I Sure Could Use A Drink

I have 110 drafts in my blogger. 110 things I have started and not finished. I don't think this blog will ever be finished and I have a vision for evolving it one day but I also have 110 pieces to finish writing. But today I am starting from scratch.

My last blog post was started in January and tweaked here and there in the beginning of the summer but a lot has happened in the in betweens of all that.

Like I had mentioned previously, probably the biggest thing I have been dealing with is the job search. This has been so difficult for me because I have completely switched lanes but I really have no idea where I am going and trying to drive somewhere without an end destination is unsurprisingly difficult.

Previously, in the nonprofits I was working in, I was overworked and underpaid. The overworked part I can deal with but the combination of the two over the course of a few years left me completely burnt out. I have developed a strong skill set over the years but as I am trying to do something completely different, starting from the bottom, I feel like I have no skills at all and am completely behind in the game of life.

I realize that career switches happen at way later points in life then where I am at. Keeping perspective, that I am still very young, is well really difficult. I constantly am left feeling defeated and like I am way behind everyone I am competing with. Also my whole life I have been very difficult.

I am a difficult person. I make things harder for myself and the people that surround me constantly. It's not like I do it on purpose but because of my wonderful stubborn nature (thanks mom and dad) I find it difficult to not be difficult. And because of this I find it harder to, "fake it til you make it". I have a very revealing face and am perhaps too authentic.

This whole job search, the constant call in for interviews, second interviews, homework assignments for interviews, just to get nowhere is really hard to not leaving me feel rejected in life. I guess I have lost a spark for positive thinking recently because I am constantly being told no.


HOWEVER, I did recently land a real sort of job. It is a temporary position so it has me feeling uneasy because I may not have a job in a few months but it definitely is the break I have been waiting for in a lot of ways. Again..... Keeping that positive outlook is just realllllly difficult right now.

Just the whole process has made me really question my life. Like oh I don't know... "What the fuck am I doing?" "Why don't I have a career?" "Where is my life headed?" "Will I ever become an adult?"

But honestly, I am living my goddamn life. Life is never easy. You can be 20 years sober and get breast cancer. You can have a high paying job and so much stress you don't get to enjoy anything. You could be poor on the streets but happy as a clam.

Life is what you get handed and what you make of it and that is really what I need to keep in perspective these days. I work multiple jobs and haven't had a lot of weekends off this summer. I am having a really hard time figuring out how to save money. I am handed with things that I have to accept about my life and not necessarily be complaisant but figure out what to do from there.

I can't keep crying and complaining and being negative because I am frustrated with one aspect of my life. I need to take action to create pos·i·tiv·i·ty. "Faith without works is dead"

It really is a shame I haven't been writing over the past couple of months because this blog wasn't started with the intention of getting viewers but to help ME figure things out.

Another thing that has been really really really hard for me lately is my health. Pretty much it's gotten to the point that I regurgitate something that I eat at least once a day. And if I don't vomit up the food that I can't get down into my stomach I choke on it until my esophagus muscles decide to open up and let the food down. AND no one REALLLLY knows what the fuck is going on, and now I am waiting on my health insurance from a new job to kick in so I can't really go back to the doctor until then.
I had a colonoscopy, endoscopy and multiple doctors visits that all came back inconclusive. I finally found a holistic doctor that gave me really answers but now I have to wait til I have health insurance to go back. So ya know that's been frustrating. But if you see me running to the trash can to throw up food I just ate, don't worry this is normal for me right now.

Another thing I should really be honest that has been going on with me this last year has to do with my recovery...

As I reached 7 years sober in March, things had become harder. I went through a serious mental battle about turning back to alcohol and how I may not really be an alcoholic or addict.

I think when you get sober you just think it will all get easier. The longer you stay sober the further you get from a drink and the easier it must become...

WRONG. Being an alcoholic alcohol and drugs never become unappealing. At least to me. The closer and more involved I stay in a program of recovery they seem like less of a good idea and the more tools I have to avoid them and the creeping thoughts they ensue. But staying close to a program of recovery the longer you stay sober is fucking hard.



When you get sober you usually do rehab which is like 3-12 months of intense therapy on why not to drink, then you do AA daily- if not more, you make a ton of friends in recovery and the easier it is to stay sober.

But well I got really busy with life and stopped going to as many meetings. I also got sober young and a lot of my friends I got sober with went back out, some of them died. Which honestly pushed me away from the program even further. Then I started hanging out with people who don't have drug and alcohol problems. And now there's weed practically everywhere you turn....

I will say, NO I have not drank or drugged still to this day. But its been really fucking hard. And I think a lot of people in my life expect me to be "cured of all this" now.

There is no cure for the disease I have. There are steps I can take to make them better and I have to rely on my High Power, other recovering alcoholics and myself to stay sober. That's all I can do. But remembering to do the next right thing is sometimes hard.


Which I guess is true of more than AA. I have to do the next right thing to stay sober, positive, moving forward and keeping myself trudging along. Because like I said things aren't going to be perfect and I can't be either. But I know that I enjoy being a positive influence on others and maybe I can start being a positive influence for myself.

Part 2-019 *here and now ....long over due.

So I got a little distracted... 

It's safe to say I've been a little distracted the whole past 6 months. However, most of this post I did write the next day after my previous post. Alas here we are and here we go. I’m NOT MAKING ANY BROKEN PROMISES. I’LL TRY TO DO BETTER OK. 

January 2019:

My resolution for 2019 is to be a fucking badass boss.

I'm not kidding folks THIS IS MY YEAR! (foreshadowing unbeknownst to myself: This has not been my year in the least bit)

I know we all tell ourselves this every year. This isn't a new sentiment...
However, usually when I enter a new year I feel very cautious. The unknown is something I am very terrified of, right along with it's good friend change. I usually try to be cautiously optimistic but I guess more so, I'm usually a little scared of the New Year. It's easier to dwell on the past than it is to predict the future. The past is concrete and I've already suffered through it and I can easily romanticize it and forget the bad. Where as the future is so abstract it's scary and so unknown.

I don't know why, I really don't, but I have a really positive intuitive feeling about this year. I just feel like it's going to be a good year for Yab. Maybe my late 20s will just suit me well.
Maybe I am totally wrong and everything will explode. But right now, I have a good feeling that 2019 is truly my time to shine. I have all the tools and I am ready to use the,.

2018 was in a word... emotional.

I mean what year in the past six wasn't..... but this more so than others. Let's see...

I would say... 

2012 was lost  

2013 was new 

2014 was found 

2015 was insanity 

2016 was adventure 

2017 was calm 

and 2018 was Captial E motional. 

Emotional in the sense that I finally got in touch with my emotions. I probably cried as much this year as I did when I got sober in 2012. There must have been something going on with my planets alignments, I should probably consult an astrologist.

Ok so YES. Probably one of the biggest things that happened to me this year...was... that I was actually in my first long term fully functioning legitimate romantic relationship.
It's been hard to write about because, as my avid readers know, I usually spill all the beans about a relationship when shit hits the fan.
Well this one is still going strong so I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Would it really be yab update without juicy relationship reveal?

My boyfriend and I went to college in the same town. We were party friends, he had a house that was always a good time to go to and if I’m being honest yes, I always had a crush on him because he is one of the most gorgeous creatures I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Fast forward to years later when I move to Denver...
One of the main reasons I moved to Colorado was because so many of my friends from college moved here, so I figured I’d love it to! When I got here I instantly had a group of friends to hang with which was amaze balls. So my first Halloween here, I went to party at a college friends house.... dressed as a drag queen...

And ran into my now boyfriend. Drag queen and all. We basically started hanging out all the time from then on. We started off as friends, best friends, finally something more and here we are now!

So there ya go. There’s your Yab dish without saying too much to get me in trouble.

This relationship has made my past  year emotional, to say the very least. I have had all these new feelings inside of me that I have never allowed myself to access before.

My whole life I have thrived on being an independent woman and now all of the sudden I was giving so much of myself to another human being. Something I had avoided doing for years. I finally was allowing myself to be vulnerable and completely raw to another person in a different way than before.

I definitely consider myself bat shit crazy, and although I revealed in my last post that my dr. gave me this strange diagnosis of being "normal" my extensive medical degree allows me to give myself the label of "crazy". And for a long time I think I avoided relationships because I didn't want someone to get to close to me and realize the extent of my pure insanity then run for the hills, or just have to suffer through being with me.

My immediate family knows I'm bat shit crazy- just ask my brothers for a full low down.
My friends know I'm a little wild but I don't think they understand the full extent to which my insanity can actually exceed.
And now, I've been in this  relationship with a person that has fully experienced psycho Yab. And for some strange reason he's still here. He is the most patient and kind man I know. Like tbh if I was him, I would have run a long time ago.
I’ve legitimately even tried to tell him to just run for the hills.

At this point after reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Gab stop! You’re a strong confident beautiful woman. You are not #crazy.”

And I guess that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with this year. I’m not really that crazy. I’m a tolerable lovable person capable of caring about someone and willing to let someone care for me.
K
I know you’re sort of supposed to love yourself before going out there and trying to find someone
 else. Over the past couple of years I really have cultivated a relationship with myself that certainly is stronger than ever before. But I think being in a relationship showed me that there really are some deep set insecurities I still hadn’t [and maybe haven't] come to grips with myself. And I don’t think they are things I could have really come to terms with on my own.

I am not in any way shape or form saying that having a boyfriend made me a whole human. I’m saying this new aspect of my life taught me I had to love myself more in order to functionally be with another person. Because being with someone is never going to make you Whole. You make up you. My boyfriend and I do so well, I believe, because we compliment each other very well. We help each other out as much as we can but I think we both know that you need to be able to depend on yourself and not be codependent on someone else.

I think I always thought that was what was going to happen though. I was going to meet someone and they were going to be my knight in shining armor and sweep me off my feet like some damsel in distress from some romantic comedy Disney movie. Honestly, it sucks that we perpetuate this idea to women because it’s so not realistic. And seriously gab? You’re a strong confident woman. You think you want a man to tell you any form of what or how to do anything ? No. I’m not saying my amazing boyfriend isn’t my prince, because he is- just a more modern and realistic version of it.

I’d be lying if I said I’d be fine without him. I definitely don’t know what I’d do without him in my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a capable woman who does things on her own.

2018 has been yet another year learning about balance.

Also this is not the only thing that happened to me this year......

I learned, yet again, life is short and you can get through anything.  I was, what felt like, trapped in a job I hated. Before the year ended I finally got the hell out of dodge. But it gave me a lot of life skills and made me realize all of the things I didn’t want.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned from this year is I can thrive in being happy versus looking for chaos. I’ve had trouble being content. This I would say is very different from coasting. It’s being happy with what you got and not trying to stir the damn pot.

June 2019:

Ok, so, I guess I should start with why this has taken me so long. Have you ever delayed something to the point that you begin to build it up in your mind as something so daunting you just can't bring yourself to do it? That's how I've felt about this blog.... And honestly a lot of my life.

We are 5 months into this year and it's not really going as planned. I'm going to be 29 in August and quite frankly a lot of things haven't really gone as planned. This has been a reoccurring theme for the past couple of years, things not going the way I thought they would be at this point in my life. Like when I got sober and then all my friends graduated from college and I didn’t have a degree. My friends having babies and me not even being close to ever getting married....Etc.
And it's like I'll come to the conclusion that life doesn't go according to plan and then have to relearn that lesson over and over again in different areas of my life.

It's exhausting and annoying. I can't tell you how many times I have had to learn that life just happens and you just have to learn how to deal.
Which is hil-ar-ious because one of my favorite movies is the Mandy Moore one "How to Deal" fuckme.

So yeah, this year's been stressful so far. Definitely my initial thoughts of being a bad bitch have been put to the way side by panic attacks and crying uncontrollably about how my life feels like it's going down the drain. And honestly, not writing about it has been detrimental to my mental health. Writing is not only cathartic for me but it helps me fucking breathe again.

As I finally get these words on the page I feel as if I can feel a little less weight out of my head and off of my shoulders.

I think in your early 20s you kind of freak out because college does not, and really can not, prepare you for the real world. But then you freak out again in your late 20s (well at least as a millennial) because life isn't the way they told us it would be. Half of us aren't married and aren’t going to get married, or have the career we thought we would, we can't buy a house and we're wondering why the fuck we're barely getting by. Not to mention the insane amount of debt that we have had to endure.

I am not the only one of my friends dealing with any or all of these issues and it sucks. It sucks that millennial's are constantly being called out for bullshit when a lot of us are working multiple jobs to support half the lifestyle we were promised at this age. We are also looking at where we, as a generation, want to make changes and are trying to do that.

It does give me solace that a lot of us are in this together. Yes, there are a bunch of people who are living large, striking it big in tech, getting married, doing all the things. But a lot of us are commiserating together wondering where we went wrong and what we have to do to fix it.

The job hunt in Denver for me has been fucking ruthless. Of course it's mostly because I apparently live in the most desirable place in the US because everyone and their cousin wants to move here, which honestly isn't what I thought I was getting into and I'm kind of over it.

Yeah, I'm a little done with Denver. I don't think I'll leave anytime soon (well at least a year because I just signed a lease) but this is not where I will be settling indefinitely. Which I guess I always anticipated. I'm not ready or wanting to plant root yet .

I want to switch gears though. Literally right now in the blog and figuratively in life. I have been on this downward spiral of negative energy being pulled down by the bad vibes at the negative environment I work in*...

* I had this really good idea to quit working with kids because I thought it was too stressful and get into the restaurant industry which i thought would be less stress..*

 ...and simultaneously bringing everyone down with me who will listen
and it needs to end now.

My goal for the second half of this year and to protrude positive energy, in the work that I do, the way that I live my life, and in the people I talk about and too.

Life gets shitty. But it gets way shitter when you label your life as shitty.

My life is good today. I still have that wonderful boyfriend I was telling you about. I have a gorgeous cat who is my whole world. I have a great apartment. I have food and a job. I am lucky to read, write, pursue any career I want and all of the hobbies I desire. I live in a beautiful amazing place.

I choose today to make the rest of this year happy. I choose to be the example of a sober woman of grace and carry a message of hope.

Thank you for continuing my journey with me and helping me to be a better person.


And now it's September... So the entire summer has pasted before me and I have but 4 months left of the supposed year of the Yab so ... stay tuned.

Goodbye 2018 and hello 2019. Part 1 of 2. *A sobering goodbye.

Maybe my resolution this year should be uh... TO WRITE MORE....ya think?

Jesus H Christ.

The less you do something the harder it is to do it. That's definitely been proven true.

I started writing this blog right before I got sober, then I just kind of got sober on this blog. I didn't intend for that to happen, it just sort of did. And this blog has seen a lot of shit.

When you first get sober everything is a whirl wind, you're feeling feelings you never let yourself feel, you're meeting people and making connections that are different than any sort of relationship you had before, your learning who you are and who you want to be.

But it gets to a certain point where it just becomes maintenance. Things aren't shiny and new anymore, they're not crazy and hectic, and it gets easy to coast.

Let me tell you, I do not do well in coast mode.

I remember as a kid in school and I would legit get yelled at for coasting. My parents wanted more for me, not for me to just skate through life. To not pay attention to my surroundings and take nothing in.

Now, I want more for myself.

Coasting is being complaisant. It's not exceeding. And 99% of the time I need a good swift kick in the balls to come out of coasting. This has been the pattern of my life and my sobriety.

From the outside my life looks good. And you know what? It is. But we all deal with our own demons.

For the past two months I have really been debating my sobriety. I have 6.10 years sober and I achieved a lot the things I hoped to when I set out to get sober.

In November, I saw my psychiatrist that I have been seeing for the past 6 years since my most recent psychosis and he gave me a new diagnosis.

He told me I was normal. That what happened to me at the hospital 6 years ago was an isolated, drug induced psychosis.

This is one of the most confusing diagnosis' I have ever received in my 28 years of seeing doctors. Ever since I was a little kid I have been seeing psychiatrists who have been trying to pin point what it is exactly is that is wrong with me. ADD, addict, alcoholic, depressive, manic, bipolar, dual diagnosis, possible schizophrenic, are all labels I have worn.

When I was 20 I had a doctor look at me and say, "You are bipolar and you're an alcoholic. You have to stop drinking and go to AA." This made me incredibly angry and I never saw that doctor however, I did gain a sense of clarity, eventually, from that label. Which was part of the reason I didn't drink.

And now I'm normal? What the fuck does that mean? That's the most confusing label I have ever received.

So... I can drink and smoke pot...?

Immediate answer- no gab.
Delayed, thought out in my head discussed with no one answer- maybe....?

And like I've gone through this before. I've rationalized drinking again. But never in the way that this new label made me rationalize before. This was my get out of jail free card.

But then I started getting these signs. Little things from my Aunt Dana. Sometimes you have a force so strong in your life that it propels you in a different direction.

Part of the reason I got sober is because I truly felt my deceased Grandma and Aunt telling me they couldn't protect me anymore from harming myself. It was something that came over me. I have trouble explaining but call it a white light moment if you want... It was one of the many, many factors in my ultimate decision to give up boozing. I have lost a lot of people and I believe that they now help guide me, but I basically felt I was wearing out my Gran and Aunt.

So recently I've been getting little signs from my Aunt. Kinda like, "uh yeah dumbass still here and you're being a fucking moron right now."

And I just had been kinda ignoring it all. Coasting. In my head I was like, "Yeah I'm not going to drink right this second but like I'm good on my own right now." One of the many times I have relied solely on myself and not on the helping hands of other people.

And today I had a coming to Jesus moment.
Death.

There's some statistic for AA that's like, "3 people come in. 1 stays, 1 relapses, 1 dies." And it's true.

I have seen so many people die from Alcoholism but there are certainly specific people who hit me harder than others.

This girl I knew from AA, died today and it really fucking hit me. I wasn't even really her friend but I feared for her life. She was one of those people who was a constant relapser. It would seem like she truly got sober but then next thing I knew she was back out there. She had some crazy shit happen to her that I thought for certain would make her never touch another substance in her life. But today I found out she died from this disease.

When this kind of thing happens I just hope she is out of the suffering that clearly took over her life and I like to think she is out of misery and in a beautiful place. But I also can't help but think that I'm so fucking lucky. I'm so lucky that I figured out how to stay sober for this long, by the grace of fucking god. I'm so lucky I'm not in misery. I'm so lucky I'm alive.

It honestly doesn't matter if I'm normal or schizophrenic. I have been going to AA for 6 years and I keep going back into those rooms and talking to those people because I am one of them. I am an alcoholic. I'm not normal. I'm Gabriella. And I love that I have AA to give myself a life and a way to live.

I also found out that one of my best friends moms died today. And because of this person passing I am able to show up for her and help her in anyway I can.

Life should be fun and celebrated but it's also precious and we never know how much time we have. Maybe I could have a drink and not die but at this point I get more out of staying sober and going to meetings.

Shit's not easy. Being fucking 28 is not easy. But, in the words of my mother and Pop Pop, "No one ever said it was going to be easy." There are things you can do to make it easier and not miserable.


When I started writing this blog it was almost a daily practice. No it has come to be a place where I come for crisis. I don't want to do that anymore.


I want to recommit. Because another reason I have written on this for so long is because it is a way for me to help other people. And I was gently reminded of that this week.

Yes, there are people I have known who have died but there are also people I have gotten to help get sober, and that too is a beautiful thing all on it's own. I have this gift that I am able to give away to others just by telling my story.

My favorite time of year to write on this blog is around New Year's because well... duh New Year, New me.

But I also like to take time to reflect on the year that has just past. We can't really move forward if we don't know where we have come from...

And boy has this year been a year...

Ok Yabbers, I'm gonna give you two posts this week. This is part one, stayed tuned to hear about 2018 and how 2019 is the year of the Yab.

To Be Continued...

I hate that she's gone.

I don't want to write this. I have been avoiding this blog. Because I wish none of this was happening.

I don't want to have to process these things because I want them to stop happening.

I am 27 years old, about to be 28, and death has haunted me since I was a child. I have lost people I care about from a young age but as I got older I started losing people who were young themselves.

Death isn't fair for anyone but for a young person it's cruel.

August 3, 2015 was the day I found out I lost one of my best friends, Samantha Devers, to the disease of addiction. You want to know why I'm sober? Because I've seen this disease kill in a mean way.

But I don't want to talk about addiction and me. I just want to talk about death.

I had lost people before Sam but Sam's death was different for me than anyone else. It was numbing. I felt guilty and responsible for probably well over a year. I watched Sam struggle and after the fact I felt like I just should have done more. I felt like I handled the situation in the wrong way.

Death is hard because there is no correct way to deal with it. You just have to go through the motions. For me that meant terrible things. I went to a dark place. I wished other people dead instead of her. I was an emotional wreck. Hearing the sobs of Samantha's mother at her funeral was enough to make me never pick up a drink or drug again.

And it wasn't fair. She was too young. She had more life to live. She enriched so many people's lives and was then ripped away from them.

But it is not good to sit in anger. Anger is just the emotion of hurt that is being masked. Sometimes when we are really fucking sad we get really fucking mad. Acting out in anger while you grieve is normal but it's not productive. Sometimes its really fucking hard to not feel responsible.

And it's really fucking hard to not ask yourself, "Why?"
I have learned, for myself, that you don't always get the answer.
I personally like to think when someone dies at a young age it is because they are being saved from something terrible. That is how I deal. With Sam, I think she was living in hell on earth. I think she suffered internally in a way many of us do not and will not ever understand. I think she had to much energy that this world couldn't contain. I believe if she lived longer she would have had a miserable existence.
Maybe you don't agree with this, but this is how I cope.

And it's not ok to criticize anyone, unless they are hurting themselves or someone else, on how they grieve. We are all different and we all had a different relationship with the person who was lost. You should be worrying about how you feel and checking in with your own emotions. You should let other people do what they need to do. At the same time, we should help each other. Hug each other, love each other.

Grieving is easier when there is some sense of community because you are all able to be there for each other. It's a gift.

August 3, 2018 I had been anticipating for weeks because I didn't know how I would feel. I put a lot of pressure on myself to remember Sam. I don't want to ever forget her and the times I had with her. I feel like I should be sad even when I'm not. I also feel like I have a duty to live my best life in honor of her. And August 3, for me is the day to remember her.

So then I woke up on August 3, 2018 with text messages about another girl I knew, in another community of mine, dying. Suddenly, tragically.

I think when someone dies of an addiction it is somewhat anticipated.... this was not. But we can't control life. You can take every precaution possible and sometimes terrible things just happen.

My heart breaks for Annabelle and my Champlain community. Ever since I was a freshman at Champlain I have experienced people dying. It's not normal. And it's really fucking hard to deal with.
But when you have a community of people who live hard, life happens.

My only take away from this past Friday is to live in love. Don't be hateful. Love to the fullest and live to the fullest. Life is too short to be petty and not care about one another.
Do not sit in anger, you're life will be less full if you do.

It's ok to be sad yabbers. Accept the way you are feeling and learn to be comfortable in your feelings. Don't try to control or manipulate them.

Sam Devers was one of the brightest people I knew. My life is not dim without her, it's highlighted by her presence and I feel so fortunate and bless to have been able to call her one of my soul sisters. She was an angel here on earth to grace us all with her sweet kind love. I know I will be seeing her again but until then, thank you Sam for guiding my through this crazy adventure that is my life.

xoxo Love you Mean it.

Feelin those Feelins

WELL 4 months later...

Still sober, still in a relationship.

So this blog has, over the years, become kind of a tell all about my relationships and mishaps. Well, it's also been about- whether on purpose or not- growing up sober and learning how to let love and light into my life.

Before I got sober I lived in a dark place of misunderstanding who I was and how the world around me worked. I wanted love in my life so badly but I ran so fast and so far away from it.

God, I was a cold hearted bitch! I was mean, I had a tongue that could rip you apart like a sword, either in front of your face or behind your back. To the men in my life especially. I tore men apart. Not in a 'feminist man hating' way, in a 'I fucking hate you never talk to me again and I hope you rot in hell' type of way.

I've been searching for years where I went wrong. What childhood trauma made me so scared that I couldn't look my feelings into it's face. Honestly, I think it's just simply a patterned I developed that became comfortable to me and eventually I couldn't escape it.

So now, dealing with my feelings... is incredibly uncomfortable.

Part of the reason I drank so much and so heavily was that dealing with men was very difficult for me so I would drink until it was comfortable. I literally had a drunk boyfriend for a couple of years. When I was sober I barely spoke to him and when we were both wasted we were more all over each other then the couples we knew.
So when I got sober, I was like fuuuuuck that. I stayed away from men for two years. Literally... barely even spoke to them. Seriously.

Then finally, after two years, I was ready to tip toe into the waters. Since then I've had my ups and downs- which you can read the play by plays if you peruse this blog EYE ROLL-

But it isn't until now that I've made serious head way. I am in my first real relationship and it's fucking terrifying. It's scary because it's new. And I don't like new things, I don't like change. I'm fucking terrified it's going to end at any moment. I'm afraid of getting hurt and because of that I'm afraid to let someone in. But I am working through it. And I have been for a while. But it's hard

It's frustrating because I feel I should have learned how to do a lot of these things at a younger age. Like I tell people a lot of the time I am in my first relationship and they're like no you're not

Uh yeah I am. But everyone goes their own pace...It's fine.

And honestly, I haven't been writing because- as you probably know- I like to write about things after the fact. However, I need to get this all out.

I hate talking about my feelings. And worse then that, I cant fucking do it. People are like "just say it, just tell them". It's like no no no but that's what I don't understand how to do. I guess it's just hard for other people to comprehend how incapacitating this whole thing is for me. I just go mute. I am definitely making progress and I think, like most things when you get sober, the more you do it the better you get at it. You just have to fucking do it Gab.

But Jesus Christ. I think I'm making a therapeutic break through, or at least I better be... I'm just feeling all of these things I've never felt before. I think I'm really proud of myself too for the progress I am making but it's seriously over whelming. I sat in my car yesterday and cried for no fucking reason. Like I honestly don't even know what the problem was. Well I do. I have things I want to say that I can't get out. So I've been crying because I can't say the things I want to say but I think I'm also crying because I have these emotions dissipating out of my body. I mean I work really hard at it. I cover myself in crystals, align my chakras, work with a sponsor, tons of therapy and yeah I do spells too. So thank go there's a fucking break through.

It's just a lot ok. I really never thought I'd get here. And you're probably like "What do you mean get here?" I truly thought for a very long time I wasn't capable of being with someone in a healthy way. I thought I was doomed to be alone forever and now I am realizing that's just not true. I think it's a matter of self love I have come to and even beyond that.

It's like I've become a whole human. I'm not talking about this relationship, I'm talking about me. I've learned to love myself so much that I am letting other people get there too. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't from the journey I've been on to get here.


Hey Yabbers, thanks for being on this journey with me. It's been a treat to share all of this with you. Thanks for giving a shit about my life and helping me to find myself.

But the rides not over yet, onwards and upwards we go.