Corona Diaries: Baking and getting laid off.

My life has changed so much in the past month, along with the rest of the world.

I am currently in the craziest times anyone in my lifetime has experienced- at least in quite a while...
I remember learning about the bubonic plague as a kid and going to a museum and seeing the plague doctor's outfit. I remember it thoroughly freaking me out and learning ring around the rosie was actually really dark...
This wasn't something that haunted me though because it felt very medieval, like the torture chambers they used back then, not like something I would ever encounter.

Yet here I am, unsuspectingly living through a plague.

I am actually surprised it has taken me this long to sit down and write since for the past month I have been mostly confided to the small space of my studio apartment and my boyfriends 1 floor apartment. This whole experience has been a whirlwind. I mean things are constantly changing, from being able to eat out, to days later not being able to go anywhere and the grocery stores randomly running out of toilet paper. Wtf...

I have been on a wilder rollercoaster ride then usual these days, maybe in another amusement park all together. I am constantly trying to stay in a state of gratitude. I have made a gratitude jar, blessing jar and banishings jar that we contribute to daily. But sometimes no matter how much you bless or banish things from your life metaphorically, you still break down.


I go from happy to five minutes later wanting to rip my skin off because I feel so confined. Apart of me wants to flee but there is literally no where to go as our whole world is being effected by this. It does feel a bit apocalyptic, but in a way where something is ending and something else beginning. When I sit outside I feel like I am in Pleasantville sometimes and it freaks me out.

I like having this time to get stuff done in my space. I have been able to finish projects I didn't think would get done and bake a lot more. I really have a lot of introverted ways so this time for me is not the most difficult, but then some days I feel very useless and restricted. I'm a virgo and I stress clean. I bake a lot, like a lot. I've had to cancel multiple vacations and my family is all very far away.

Plus, I already have completely unrelated health issues that I need to go talk to the doctor about pretty urgently. This stress of this time that has manifested through my body has made my condition worse. I throw up sometimes 3 times a day because I can't fully swallow my food and sometimes I get unrelated to food spasms in my esophagus that legitimately feel like heat attacks. I had a spasm the other day and became hysterical because I have no idea when I will be able to see my doctor again. And like an hour before that I was happy and fine. It's like everything is fine and normal until you remember it isn't....

I have been watching my friends lose their jobs left and right, and staying very thankful for the position I have been in. The first of my friends to lose their jobs were the service industry, which is the industry my company deals with. I have felt like a FEMA worker for restaurants, trying to reassure them everything will be ok. Well today, others had to give me that reassurance because my company was the one that got hit with lay offs. I know this is unavoidable but I'm honestly just really sad. I worked my ass off all last year to find a job I liked and I wound up with one I really loved. Also being able to have working days during this shelter in place has kept me very sane.

I still stay in gratitude. I know that no matter what happens I will be taken care of. I have my higher power and faith, family and my support system. It just kinda sucks. Also everyone, I mean everyone, I work with was blind sided. So it was a tough, weird, emotional day. I understand though, the state of the restaurant industry and our economy is horrible. I am glad I am not alone but I wish we didn't all have to suffer through this.

Someone also remind me that the work I did last year was not in vain. My goal in switching industries was to try and find something I enjoyed and I did do that. I figured out my niche and once businesses is back to usual I have no doubt I will thrive.

The thing that is truly the hardest for me right now is whenever my life or the world has gotten shitty in the past 8 years I have always been able to get myself up, take a shower, get dressed and go to a meeting. Or maybe run to a meeting crying covered in hardship. But never did I foresee not being able to go physically sit in an AA meeting. That wasn't part of the fucking deal. We have established online meetings and they are helpful but I am just struggling not having the one thing I was always promised. So I must compromise and try and make it work.

Right before all of this happened I was kinda walking around constantly checking over my shoulder because things were so good in my life I knew it wouldn't stay that way forever. You have to appreciate the good days because you never know when things will change. Even in quarantine, with a roof over our head, good food to cook, company and my cat I still have much to be grateful for and good days to have. In the words of my Pop-pop, "No one ever said this was gonna be easy". Life is very unpredictable and you just have to learn how to deal.

I turn to my higher power, my practice of craft and to live in light. Those who don't have a faith I believe haven't lived with hardship for very long. You can say I am leaning on my faith, but I choose to believe. We have to choose positivity during this time or you will, well, lose your fucking mind.

I have had a lot of time to devel into the arts again. Watching films, crafting, listening to more music, baking, reading. In the normal day to day 9-5 life it's sometimes hard to make time for these things. If there is anything I will learn from quarantine its to make more time for the things I love. I want to live with as much passion as Dermott Kennedy.

I am sure for others this experience is incredibly different. People are having a better or a harder time and everything in between. I can only speak to my experience right now. No matter how you're doing you're not alone. Although we are pretty isolated right now we still have so much technology that keeps us connected so call me if you need a laugh or a photo of chewy. And go pursue your hobby! Make the most of this time, I guarantee you we will never have an opportunity again like this to turn inward and find more truths about ourselves. Time is more valuable than anything else we have so make the most of it, and get outside if you need to.

After writing all this I really have realized how much my life has changed. If it was even just a couple of years ago I would not have this attitude. I would be freaking the fuck out, saying Fuck it daily, and most likely picking up a drink. Right now I do have a strong urge to say fuck it and want to drink. However, I have worked really hard on finding a center of balance and becoming a ray of fucking sunshine. Not to mention I have seen worse days than this. This too shall fucking pass. My personal mantra for half of my life has literally been, "this will all be over before you know it." Good or bad life moves fast and like I mean how am I almost 30? 1999 feels like yesterday. Soon we will be romanticizing the quarantine days and thinking ugh I wish I was still stuck in quarantine. I am not trying to down play how shitty things are- I literally lost my job yesterday. But this too shall pass so buckle up and just ride the fucking wave. Things could always be worse. We will all be ok, even if we are not.

Holy Shit, Hello 2020.

Holy Shit.

I haven't updated this since September?! Jesus h christ.

I think it's so hard for me to stay on top of my writing and this blog the past few years because they've been blowing by.
Like the statement alone: "these past few years... have been blowing by" Like ...

I remember when I was younger and wishing so hard I could drive a car with my license. It felt like a few years was a lifetime. The few short years I was in college and was underage felt like FOREVER. I think when you've lived so little life seems short.
The days go by quicker than ever before and life comes at me FAST.

Which is good and bad. It's good because the bad doesn't last so long. It's bad because life's beautiful moments slip between my fingers so quickly! I want to hold on to them tighter and tighter.
You have to appreciate the good days, you really do and value the time you have with family and friends.
Please people remember this. 

I love writing this time of year because it's a NEW CHAPTER of life.
uhh speaking of...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know some of you may have heard.... (probably because I told you) I am working on a new more adult, and PG, blog. I had planned on debuting it by now but the truth is I am really scared. I can't think of my life without this blog. I don't think I would be closing the door, I think I would be turning the page. Which is why the blog is titled: "Yab's Next Chapter" because it is.
But think it's so scary for me to physically turn that page...
So scary in fact that I started writing this blog at the beginning of January and I am now finishing it at the end of February...
But the fact is I am not ready to debut "Yab's Next Chapter". I will keep you updated.

Right now I need to fill you in on the past... well year... and the current... well New Year. 

It's now 2020. So with that being said I will need to review and reflect on 2019....

I feel like there were a lot of memes and a lot of people saying 2019 sucked. Not to play into this negativity but
2019 sucked ass.

I'm just going to say it ok, I hated 2019. I was 7 years sober for most of the year but that literally means nothing sometimes. I am just a 28/29 year old trying to piece together what life is.
I felt like this year I actually had to figure my shit out. I had quit my job in nonprofits at the end of 2018 and I truly did not know where the fuck I was going. I spent days on end applying to jobs and getting literally no where.

Real talk, I also came really fucking close to drinking again and smoking pot. Someone asked me the other day "Does sobriety get easier?" Sometimes the answer for me is truly no. It does not go away. I am not cured from wanting to drink and use drugs.
The fact of the matter is I have created a new life for myself- wait- I have created A LIFE for myself. But as the alcoholic I am sometimes want to flush that shit down the drain.

This happens because:
1.  I forget what I have to do
2. I forget how far I have come
3. I stopped doing the things I have to do to stay healthy
it's mostly those 3 things combined.

I was so miserable this past year. I kept thinking, "if I just get...I will be happy". I thought getting the man I love to be with me would make me happy- we were finally in love and it did not cure me. I thought quitting my job would make me happy. I thought it was Colorado that was making me miserable. I thought if I got my dream job I would finally be happy- and then I didn't get offered the position, twice. All of the things I didn't want to happen happened. I had to move out of my perfect apartment because it got to expensive. I was working weeks in a row with no days off and about four jobs- seriously, this is not an exaggeration. I got fucking fired from a dumb part-time job that I hated but it still made me feel like a fucking loser.
And that was my rock bottom.

After that happened I fully gave up trying to force everything to work out. I was praying to God in the exact way I knew I was not supposed to, "God help me get this job and I know everything will be better." blah, blah, blah. Finally, I let the universe guide me again.

You shouldn't ask for things. I learned this at a young age. You should work for things, yes. You should definitely be grateful for the things you have. You should utilize the gifts you are given. But it is plainly rude to ask for things that are not yours.

I started to relax and work harder on my spirituality and staying healthy and things fucking fell into place. I started helping other people again instead of crying about my privileged problems.
After two years of applying to jobs, I got offered basically three jobs in one week.

Then I had to pick one. I was terrified I made the wrong choice. 

2020 so far has showed me that none of my choices are wrong and I am exactly where I need to be. I am in a job I love.
Working shitty jobs really shows you when you have it good. I also finally quit a job that made me feel horrible about who I was as a person even though I worked my ass off. I learned in the past two months of 2020 that hard work and strong work ethic is extremely important but I would also rather be a little bit broke rather than be treated like garbage or "the help". I have seen first hand that money doesn't buy happiness and I want to be happy.

Right now I have more responsibility than I ever have. I have my apartment, my cat, my relationship, my sobriety, a job I really car about, career and personal goals. For one of the first times I am not afraid of that responsibility. It is a driving force for me to be the best version of myself.

With that being said, life is still a constant freak out... (just a little less so)
it's that roller coast of life...

I AM FUCKING TURNING 30 THIS FUCKING YEAR. I come to acceptance with this and look at my personal growth and the fact that I am finally becoming an "adult" and then I also like want to cry because my care free days are coming to an end.
Why the fuck did our parents let us play "house" as kids? I manifested this shit for myself and I want to go back to the fucking playground.

It is weird to me too because my mom had me when she was 30. And now I am as old as when I first met my mom. She always seemed so much older and "adult". You look at your parents and you just see them as anomalies, all knowing, having the answer to everything, super human. But it makes me realize how human she is.
I'm also sitting here watching Beverly Hills 90210, which literally came out when my mom was 30, 30 years ago and it's like I'm having this nostalgic moment for her, wondering where she was in this life then.

I digress-
I should say too I have been really scared of writing. I don't know why. I don't know if I am avoiding my feelings, not wanting to look at them, or just doing other less important things. Lately I have been watching so much tv and evading my reality. I am deep in reality TV right now but the truth is I need to confront my reality.

back to that ultimate goal I always revert to:
Finding balance. Right now I am fairly balanced but I need to tip the scale a little bit more to follow my passions and continue to nurture my happiness.

I know I always promise that I will stay more up to date on my writing for you all, not that anyone cares lol, it's a promise to myself.
Well I am not going to promise it, I am just going to do it.

Thanks for reading and letting me share.

I Sure Could Use A Drink

I have 110 drafts in my blogger. 110 things I have started and not finished. I don't think this blog will ever be finished and I have a vision for evolving it one day but I also have 110 pieces to finish writing. But today I am starting from scratch.

My last blog post was started in January and tweaked here and there in the beginning of the summer but a lot has happened in the in betweens of all that.

Like I had mentioned previously, probably the biggest thing I have been dealing with is the job search. This has been so difficult for me because I have completely switched lanes but I really have no idea where I am going and trying to drive somewhere without an end destination is unsurprisingly difficult.

Previously, in the nonprofits I was working in, I was overworked and underpaid. The overworked part I can deal with but the combination of the two over the course of a few years left me completely burnt out. I have developed a strong skill set over the years but as I am trying to do something completely different, starting from the bottom, I feel like I have no skills at all and am completely behind in the game of life.

I realize that career switches happen at way later points in life then where I am at. Keeping perspective, that I am still very young, is well really difficult. I constantly am left feeling defeated and like I am way behind everyone I am competing with. Also my whole life I have been very difficult.

I am a difficult person. I make things harder for myself and the people that surround me constantly. It's not like I do it on purpose but because of my wonderful stubborn nature (thanks mom and dad) I find it difficult to not be difficult. And because of this I find it harder to, "fake it til you make it". I have a very revealing face and am perhaps too authentic.

This whole job search, the constant call in for interviews, second interviews, homework assignments for interviews, just to get nowhere is really hard to not leaving me feel rejected in life. I guess I have lost a spark for positive thinking recently because I am constantly being told no.


HOWEVER, I did recently land a real sort of job. It is a temporary position so it has me feeling uneasy because I may not have a job in a few months but it definitely is the break I have been waiting for in a lot of ways. Again..... Keeping that positive outlook is just realllllly difficult right now.

Just the whole process has made me really question my life. Like oh I don't know... "What the fuck am I doing?" "Why don't I have a career?" "Where is my life headed?" "Will I ever become an adult?"

But honestly, I am living my goddamn life. Life is never easy. You can be 20 years sober and get breast cancer. You can have a high paying job and so much stress you don't get to enjoy anything. You could be poor on the streets but happy as a clam.

Life is what you get handed and what you make of it and that is really what I need to keep in perspective these days. I work multiple jobs and haven't had a lot of weekends off this summer. I am having a really hard time figuring out how to save money. I am handed with things that I have to accept about my life and not necessarily be complaisant but figure out what to do from there.

I can't keep crying and complaining and being negative because I am frustrated with one aspect of my life. I need to take action to create pos·i·tiv·i·ty. "Faith without works is dead"

It really is a shame I haven't been writing over the past couple of months because this blog wasn't started with the intention of getting viewers but to help ME figure things out.

Another thing that has been really really really hard for me lately is my health. Pretty much it's gotten to the point that I regurgitate something that I eat at least once a day. And if I don't vomit up the food that I can't get down into my stomach I choke on it until my esophagus muscles decide to open up and let the food down. AND no one REALLLLY knows what the fuck is going on, and now I am waiting on my health insurance from a new job to kick in so I can't really go back to the doctor until then.
I had a colonoscopy, endoscopy and multiple doctors visits that all came back inconclusive. I finally found a holistic doctor that gave me really answers but now I have to wait til I have health insurance to go back. So ya know that's been frustrating. But if you see me running to the trash can to throw up food I just ate, don't worry this is normal for me right now.

Another thing I should really be honest that has been going on with me this last year has to do with my recovery...

As I reached 7 years sober in March, things had become harder. I went through a serious mental battle about turning back to alcohol and how I may not really be an alcoholic or addict.

I think when you get sober you just think it will all get easier. The longer you stay sober the further you get from a drink and the easier it must become...

WRONG. Being an alcoholic alcohol and drugs never become unappealing. At least to me. The closer and more involved I stay in a program of recovery they seem like less of a good idea and the more tools I have to avoid them and the creeping thoughts they ensue. But staying close to a program of recovery the longer you stay sober is fucking hard.



When you get sober you usually do rehab which is like 3-12 months of intense therapy on why not to drink, then you do AA daily- if not more, you make a ton of friends in recovery and the easier it is to stay sober.

But well I got really busy with life and stopped going to as many meetings. I also got sober young and a lot of my friends I got sober with went back out, some of them died. Which honestly pushed me away from the program even further. Then I started hanging out with people who don't have drug and alcohol problems. And now there's weed practically everywhere you turn....

I will say, NO I have not drank or drugged still to this day. But its been really fucking hard. And I think a lot of people in my life expect me to be "cured of all this" now.

There is no cure for the disease I have. There are steps I can take to make them better and I have to rely on my High Power, other recovering alcoholics and myself to stay sober. That's all I can do. But remembering to do the next right thing is sometimes hard.


Which I guess is true of more than AA. I have to do the next right thing to stay sober, positive, moving forward and keeping myself trudging along. Because like I said things aren't going to be perfect and I can't be either. But I know that I enjoy being a positive influence on others and maybe I can start being a positive influence for myself.

Part 2-019 *here and now ....long over due.

So I got a little distracted... 

It's safe to say I've been a little distracted the whole past 6 months. However, most of this post I did write the next day after my previous post. Alas here we are and here we go. I’m NOT MAKING ANY BROKEN PROMISES. I’LL TRY TO DO BETTER OK. 

January 2019:

My resolution for 2019 is to be a fucking badass boss.

I'm not kidding folks THIS IS MY YEAR! (foreshadowing unbeknownst to myself: This has not been my year in the least bit)

I know we all tell ourselves this every year. This isn't a new sentiment...
However, usually when I enter a new year I feel very cautious. The unknown is something I am very terrified of, right along with it's good friend change. I usually try to be cautiously optimistic but I guess more so, I'm usually a little scared of the New Year. It's easier to dwell on the past than it is to predict the future. The past is concrete and I've already suffered through it and I can easily romanticize it and forget the bad. Where as the future is so abstract it's scary and so unknown.

I don't know why, I really don't, but I have a really positive intuitive feeling about this year. I just feel like it's going to be a good year for Yab. Maybe my late 20s will just suit me well.
Maybe I am totally wrong and everything will explode. But right now, I have a good feeling that 2019 is truly my time to shine. I have all the tools and I am ready to use the,.

2018 was in a word... emotional.

I mean what year in the past six wasn't..... but this more so than others. Let's see...

I would say... 

2012 was lost  

2013 was new 

2014 was found 

2015 was insanity 

2016 was adventure 

2017 was calm 

and 2018 was Captial E motional. 

Emotional in the sense that I finally got in touch with my emotions. I probably cried as much this year as I did when I got sober in 2012. There must have been something going on with my planets alignments, I should probably consult an astrologist.

Ok so YES. Probably one of the biggest things that happened to me this year...was... that I was actually in my first long term fully functioning legitimate romantic relationship.
It's been hard to write about because, as my avid readers know, I usually spill all the beans about a relationship when shit hits the fan.
Well this one is still going strong so I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Would it really be yab update without juicy relationship reveal?

My boyfriend and I went to college in the same town. We were party friends, he had a house that was always a good time to go to and if I’m being honest yes, I always had a crush on him because he is one of the most gorgeous creatures I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Fast forward to years later when I move to Denver...
One of the main reasons I moved to Colorado was because so many of my friends from college moved here, so I figured I’d love it to! When I got here I instantly had a group of friends to hang with which was amaze balls. So my first Halloween here, I went to party at a college friends house.... dressed as a drag queen...

And ran into my now boyfriend. Drag queen and all. We basically started hanging out all the time from then on. We started off as friends, best friends, finally something more and here we are now!

So there ya go. There’s your Yab dish without saying too much to get me in trouble.

This relationship has made my past  year emotional, to say the very least. I have had all these new feelings inside of me that I have never allowed myself to access before.

My whole life I have thrived on being an independent woman and now all of the sudden I was giving so much of myself to another human being. Something I had avoided doing for years. I finally was allowing myself to be vulnerable and completely raw to another person in a different way than before.

I definitely consider myself bat shit crazy, and although I revealed in my last post that my dr. gave me this strange diagnosis of being "normal" my extensive medical degree allows me to give myself the label of "crazy". And for a long time I think I avoided relationships because I didn't want someone to get to close to me and realize the extent of my pure insanity then run for the hills, or just have to suffer through being with me.

My immediate family knows I'm bat shit crazy- just ask my brothers for a full low down.
My friends know I'm a little wild but I don't think they understand the full extent to which my insanity can actually exceed.
And now, I've been in this  relationship with a person that has fully experienced psycho Yab. And for some strange reason he's still here. He is the most patient and kind man I know. Like tbh if I was him, I would have run a long time ago.
I’ve legitimately even tried to tell him to just run for the hills.

At this point after reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Gab stop! You’re a strong confident beautiful woman. You are not #crazy.”

And I guess that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with this year. I’m not really that crazy. I’m a tolerable lovable person capable of caring about someone and willing to let someone care for me.
K
I know you’re sort of supposed to love yourself before going out there and trying to find someone
 else. Over the past couple of years I really have cultivated a relationship with myself that certainly is stronger than ever before. But I think being in a relationship showed me that there really are some deep set insecurities I still hadn’t [and maybe haven't] come to grips with myself. And I don’t think they are things I could have really come to terms with on my own.

I am not in any way shape or form saying that having a boyfriend made me a whole human. I’m saying this new aspect of my life taught me I had to love myself more in order to functionally be with another person. Because being with someone is never going to make you Whole. You make up you. My boyfriend and I do so well, I believe, because we compliment each other very well. We help each other out as much as we can but I think we both know that you need to be able to depend on yourself and not be codependent on someone else.

I think I always thought that was what was going to happen though. I was going to meet someone and they were going to be my knight in shining armor and sweep me off my feet like some damsel in distress from some romantic comedy Disney movie. Honestly, it sucks that we perpetuate this idea to women because it’s so not realistic. And seriously gab? You’re a strong confident woman. You think you want a man to tell you any form of what or how to do anything ? No. I’m not saying my amazing boyfriend isn’t my prince, because he is- just a more modern and realistic version of it.

I’d be lying if I said I’d be fine without him. I definitely don’t know what I’d do without him in my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a capable woman who does things on her own.

2018 has been yet another year learning about balance.

Also this is not the only thing that happened to me this year......

I learned, yet again, life is short and you can get through anything.  I was, what felt like, trapped in a job I hated. Before the year ended I finally got the hell out of dodge. But it gave me a lot of life skills and made me realize all of the things I didn’t want.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned from this year is I can thrive in being happy versus looking for chaos. I’ve had trouble being content. This I would say is very different from coasting. It’s being happy with what you got and not trying to stir the damn pot.

June 2019:

Ok, so, I guess I should start with why this has taken me so long. Have you ever delayed something to the point that you begin to build it up in your mind as something so daunting you just can't bring yourself to do it? That's how I've felt about this blog.... And honestly a lot of my life.

We are 5 months into this year and it's not really going as planned. I'm going to be 29 in August and quite frankly a lot of things haven't really gone as planned. This has been a reoccurring theme for the past couple of years, things not going the way I thought they would be at this point in my life. Like when I got sober and then all my friends graduated from college and I didn’t have a degree. My friends having babies and me not even being close to ever getting married....Etc.
And it's like I'll come to the conclusion that life doesn't go according to plan and then have to relearn that lesson over and over again in different areas of my life.

It's exhausting and annoying. I can't tell you how many times I have had to learn that life just happens and you just have to learn how to deal.
Which is hil-ar-ious because one of my favorite movies is the Mandy Moore one "How to Deal" fuckme.

So yeah, this year's been stressful so far. Definitely my initial thoughts of being a bad bitch have been put to the way side by panic attacks and crying uncontrollably about how my life feels like it's going down the drain. And honestly, not writing about it has been detrimental to my mental health. Writing is not only cathartic for me but it helps me fucking breathe again.

As I finally get these words on the page I feel as if I can feel a little less weight out of my head and off of my shoulders.

I think in your early 20s you kind of freak out because college does not, and really can not, prepare you for the real world. But then you freak out again in your late 20s (well at least as a millennial) because life isn't the way they told us it would be. Half of us aren't married and aren’t going to get married, or have the career we thought we would, we can't buy a house and we're wondering why the fuck we're barely getting by. Not to mention the insane amount of debt that we have had to endure.

I am not the only one of my friends dealing with any or all of these issues and it sucks. It sucks that millennial's are constantly being called out for bullshit when a lot of us are working multiple jobs to support half the lifestyle we were promised at this age. We are also looking at where we, as a generation, want to make changes and are trying to do that.

It does give me solace that a lot of us are in this together. Yes, there are a bunch of people who are living large, striking it big in tech, getting married, doing all the things. But a lot of us are commiserating together wondering where we went wrong and what we have to do to fix it.

The job hunt in Denver for me has been fucking ruthless. Of course it's mostly because I apparently live in the most desirable place in the US because everyone and their cousin wants to move here, which honestly isn't what I thought I was getting into and I'm kind of over it.

Yeah, I'm a little done with Denver. I don't think I'll leave anytime soon (well at least a year because I just signed a lease) but this is not where I will be settling indefinitely. Which I guess I always anticipated. I'm not ready or wanting to plant root yet .

I want to switch gears though. Literally right now in the blog and figuratively in life. I have been on this downward spiral of negative energy being pulled down by the bad vibes at the negative environment I work in*...

* I had this really good idea to quit working with kids because I thought it was too stressful and get into the restaurant industry which i thought would be less stress..*

 ...and simultaneously bringing everyone down with me who will listen
and it needs to end now.

My goal for the second half of this year and to protrude positive energy, in the work that I do, the way that I live my life, and in the people I talk about and too.

Life gets shitty. But it gets way shitter when you label your life as shitty.

My life is good today. I still have that wonderful boyfriend I was telling you about. I have a gorgeous cat who is my whole world. I have a great apartment. I have food and a job. I am lucky to read, write, pursue any career I want and all of the hobbies I desire. I live in a beautiful amazing place.

I choose today to make the rest of this year happy. I choose to be the example of a sober woman of grace and carry a message of hope.

Thank you for continuing my journey with me and helping me to be a better person.


And now it's September... So the entire summer has pasted before me and I have but 4 months left of the supposed year of the Yab so ... stay tuned.

Goodbye 2018 and hello 2019. Part 1 of 2. *A sobering goodbye.

Maybe my resolution this year should be uh... TO WRITE MORE....ya think?

Jesus H Christ.

The less you do something the harder it is to do it. That's definitely been proven true.

I started writing this blog right before I got sober, then I just kind of got sober on this blog. I didn't intend for that to happen, it just sort of did. And this blog has seen a lot of shit.

When you first get sober everything is a whirl wind, you're feeling feelings you never let yourself feel, you're meeting people and making connections that are different than any sort of relationship you had before, your learning who you are and who you want to be.

But it gets to a certain point where it just becomes maintenance. Things aren't shiny and new anymore, they're not crazy and hectic, and it gets easy to coast.

Let me tell you, I do not do well in coast mode.

I remember as a kid in school and I would legit get yelled at for coasting. My parents wanted more for me, not for me to just skate through life. To not pay attention to my surroundings and take nothing in.

Now, I want more for myself.

Coasting is being complaisant. It's not exceeding. And 99% of the time I need a good swift kick in the balls to come out of coasting. This has been the pattern of my life and my sobriety.

From the outside my life looks good. And you know what? It is. But we all deal with our own demons.

For the past two months I have really been debating my sobriety. I have 6.10 years sober and I achieved a lot the things I hoped to when I set out to get sober.

In November, I saw my psychiatrist that I have been seeing for the past 6 years since my most recent psychosis and he gave me a new diagnosis.

He told me I was normal. That what happened to me at the hospital 6 years ago was an isolated, drug induced psychosis.

This is one of the most confusing diagnosis' I have ever received in my 28 years of seeing doctors. Ever since I was a little kid I have been seeing psychiatrists who have been trying to pin point what it is exactly is that is wrong with me. ADD, addict, alcoholic, depressive, manic, bipolar, dual diagnosis, possible schizophrenic, are all labels I have worn.

When I was 20 I had a doctor look at me and say, "You are bipolar and you're an alcoholic. You have to stop drinking and go to AA." This made me incredibly angry and I never saw that doctor however, I did gain a sense of clarity, eventually, from that label. Which was part of the reason I didn't drink.

And now I'm normal? What the fuck does that mean? That's the most confusing label I have ever received.

So... I can drink and smoke pot...?

Immediate answer- no gab.
Delayed, thought out in my head discussed with no one answer- maybe....?

And like I've gone through this before. I've rationalized drinking again. But never in the way that this new label made me rationalize before. This was my get out of jail free card.

But then I started getting these signs. Little things from my Aunt Dana. Sometimes you have a force so strong in your life that it propels you in a different direction.

Part of the reason I got sober is because I truly felt my deceased Grandma and Aunt telling me they couldn't protect me anymore from harming myself. It was something that came over me. I have trouble explaining but call it a white light moment if you want... It was one of the many, many factors in my ultimate decision to give up boozing. I have lost a lot of people and I believe that they now help guide me, but I basically felt I was wearing out my Gran and Aunt.

So recently I've been getting little signs from my Aunt. Kinda like, "uh yeah dumbass still here and you're being a fucking moron right now."

And I just had been kinda ignoring it all. Coasting. In my head I was like, "Yeah I'm not going to drink right this second but like I'm good on my own right now." One of the many times I have relied solely on myself and not on the helping hands of other people.

And today I had a coming to Jesus moment.
Death.

There's some statistic for AA that's like, "3 people come in. 1 stays, 1 relapses, 1 dies." And it's true.

I have seen so many people die from Alcoholism but there are certainly specific people who hit me harder than others.

This girl I knew from AA, died today and it really fucking hit me. I wasn't even really her friend but I feared for her life. She was one of those people who was a constant relapser. It would seem like she truly got sober but then next thing I knew she was back out there. She had some crazy shit happen to her that I thought for certain would make her never touch another substance in her life. But today I found out she died from this disease.

When this kind of thing happens I just hope she is out of the suffering that clearly took over her life and I like to think she is out of misery and in a beautiful place. But I also can't help but think that I'm so fucking lucky. I'm so lucky that I figured out how to stay sober for this long, by the grace of fucking god. I'm so lucky I'm not in misery. I'm so lucky I'm alive.

It honestly doesn't matter if I'm normal or schizophrenic. I have been going to AA for 6 years and I keep going back into those rooms and talking to those people because I am one of them. I am an alcoholic. I'm not normal. I'm Gabriella. And I love that I have AA to give myself a life and a way to live.

I also found out that one of my best friends moms died today. And because of this person passing I am able to show up for her and help her in anyway I can.

Life should be fun and celebrated but it's also precious and we never know how much time we have. Maybe I could have a drink and not die but at this point I get more out of staying sober and going to meetings.

Shit's not easy. Being fucking 28 is not easy. But, in the words of my mother and Pop Pop, "No one ever said it was going to be easy." There are things you can do to make it easier and not miserable.


When I started writing this blog it was almost a daily practice. No it has come to be a place where I come for crisis. I don't want to do that anymore.


I want to recommit. Because another reason I have written on this for so long is because it is a way for me to help other people. And I was gently reminded of that this week.

Yes, there are people I have known who have died but there are also people I have gotten to help get sober, and that too is a beautiful thing all on it's own. I have this gift that I am able to give away to others just by telling my story.

My favorite time of year to write on this blog is around New Year's because well... duh New Year, New me.

But I also like to take time to reflect on the year that has just past. We can't really move forward if we don't know where we have come from...

And boy has this year been a year...

Ok Yabbers, I'm gonna give you two posts this week. This is part one, stayed tuned to hear about 2018 and how 2019 is the year of the Yab.

To Be Continued...