She was an Amazing Person in all Aspects

I have a good amount of friends. I have friends that have come and gone out of my life for one reason or another. Some of the people I have known, and consider my friends, have left profound impacts on my life, whether currently they are in them or not.

Today I lost a friend to the disease of addiction.

Some of the strongest relationships I have were formed at a place that left a profound impact on my life, Camp Tockwogh. If you have known me for a while, you have heard me talk about camp. About the many memories I have acquired there and the friends I have gathered along the way. A lot of these people have come in and out of my life, but left lasting impressions.
A few of these people are still in my life today, whether they never left my side or the universe returned them to me.

One of my best friends from camp, and in life, was Samantha Devers. Deevers, as many called her, was basically a sister to me.

I knew of Sam before I knew her as Deevers, or Deevs. At one time I knew her as the Tockwogh Barbie, because she looked so much like the popular mattel doll. But to be honest with you, she was more drop dead gorgeous than a plastic Barbie, inside and out.

I finally met and got to know Sam in the summer of 2008. We were put into the same cabin third session. I was a "junior counselor" and she was a C.I.T., counselor in training. It was a weird dynamic because just a week before she arrived at camp I was previously a C.I.T. but because the camp was wildly understaffed they asked my group of C.I.T.'s to stay on as "junior counselors". A position was made up so that the camp could have non-paid staff... Hey, we were honored.

When Sam and I were put together in the cabin I made an effort to not have it be an awkward situation, since we were the same age but not exactly equal. (Sorry if this is confusing because you are not a camp kid. You should have begged your parents to go to Tockwogh.)

I remember very specifically (and possibly my favorite memory with Sam) one night we were stuck in the cabin for a long time together because of a thunder storm, I think the power might have gone out because I know we had flash lights, and we basically shared our lives stories to date. We were 17. and had so many commonalities. This is when I really met Sam. She became my friend.
Some friendships you just know will last forever. There are certain people you click with and have a deep connection.
Sam was one of these people.

We weren't really super close after that, because she was doing C.I.T. things and I the J.C. things.

the night we fell in love.

The next summer we were staff. This is a big deal, in the camp world. A big, big deal.
Me and my two other camp bffs, Rita and Carly, showed up to camp at the end of the first week of training and the beginning of the first weekend of camp. Which entailed a large party, but it also required us to get to this party, from MD- PA...
Rita, Carly, and I were, basically assigned to Sam's car. She didn't know us that well and we kinda knew her.
After that car ride and that night, which I don't know if I can really tell/ reveal what happened...or remember... we were friends forever.
Countless nights that summer were spent in that car. Too many things happened in that car... I threw up on Rita and Carly to Taylor Swift in that car...

After that summer we were all extremely close... I was also fired because of my drinking escapades... but that is for another time. And to be honest, she was there for me 100% through that.

Sam came to my house a couple of years for thanksgiving and my family fell in love with her. People were always falling in love with Sam. She was so easy to love. She was an amazing human being.

The past year Samantha and I had been living together. And it was really rough. From the time Sam moved in things were not the same as when we were kids at camp.
And I knew they weren't going to be, but I didn't realize how serious things were.

I got sober in March 2012. Right before I gave up drinking and drugging, I was in constant contact with Sam because she was going through a lot. She would call me incredibly upset about things that were going on with her. Sam's drug use had gotten way out of hand before mine did. She was court ordered to rehab, which was a good thing because it got her sober.

Getting sober, going from constantly fucked up and denying life, to dealing with life, is debatably the hardest thing a person has to do (if they have to do it).
It was easy for Sam and me to relate because we were going through a lot of the same things.

Sam always knew she was susceptible to becoming an addict. She had told me this early on. She was very wary of drugs when we were younger. But like all addicts, it snuck into her life.
There are people I could blame for Sam's path but ultimately, she was bound to walk it one way or another.

When Sam told me she wanted to live with me in Philly last year, I was beyond excited. I could not think of a better roommate.
But like I said, I didn't realize things were they way they were.

Sam was always a bit of a mystery. I think that's one of the reasons people fell so in love with her all the time. Because there was so much to know about her and so many things to find out about her.
But I quickly started to realize things were not right in our house.
Signs of her using started popping up and I began begrudgingly putting them together. I did not want to solve this mystery because I knew what the answer was. I knew Sam was using.

Although this year was rough, I still got to live with Sam. I got to spend time with one of my best friends. And I am happy she was living with me and not somewhere else.


I wish I could go back and wrap her in my arms and never let her go. And make her tell me all the truths to all the mysteries so we could work them out together. I wish I could have saved her. Or helped even more in some way, shape or form.

What happened to Sam is tragic. She was not her disease, it over took her and made her something she wasn't for along time and it's not fair. I don't like people knowing her as that, thinking that was her, because it wasn't. That is not who she was.

Samantha Devers was a dancer, a pilot, a sailor, a caregiver, an academic, a hard worker, caring, understanding, an amazing listener, sweet, fierce, unique, kind, an incredible friend, so so so easy to get along with, and so so many other things.

She was an amazing person in all aspects. And I will forever love her.

I will again emphasize this year was past year was rough. It was one of the hardest things, for both Sam and I, I'm sure.
Having to see your best friend suffer daily is horrible but being in love with something that will ultimately kill you is worse.

No one choose this life, Samantha definitely did not. She did not choose to have this predisposition. People who don't grapple with addiction can not comprehend how difficult this thing is to beat.

But I will not remember Sam that way. I will not see her as her disease, ever, because she was so so much more. I will remember the girl who I clicked with in the cabin late at night, while telling each other about how much we hated our all girls schools under flash lights, and we longed for something more.
That is who will forever live on in my heart, because that is who she was.

She dealt with the situation.

my angel.

Those of us who have walked through hell, know that heaven is real. 

Rest easy. Love you, Mean it.