Do Not Live in Fear

 So this past year was really fucking weird and am I gonna blame not writing on my blog in such a long time on a global pandemic that should have allowed me more time to dedicate to this? Yes, yes I am. 

Truth is I have certainly had time but the creativity has been a lot harder during these weird times. And the stress... WOW. It's been a lot of ups and downs. I know it has for all of us. People have had to deal with things they never have had to before or never even thought they would have to. 

The last time I blogged was in June, when we were in the middle of the first wave of the pandemic, thinking things would be over soon, then riots broke out. After that we realized A.) this country was not done with the pandemic and B.) this country's was more racist then many of us ever thought. 

Just to catch you up incase you were living under a rock- after that the pandemic spiked and we all were either panicking or ignoring state orders and partying, then trump got voted out but said he won the election, then he indirectly told a mob to attack the capitol- in DC, yes- they did and police basically let them, finally Biden was inaugurated, Trump is now facing legal battles but don't really know where he's at, we have a vaccine but it's hard to get, were in 2021- a lot of people thought that this meant things would go back to normal... things did not. So we are now just in the days of days. 

There honestly is no such thing as a new normal, things are just still weird. I don't like getting very close to people in public, but I guess that is normal... People where masks and to me that's still not normal. 

It's been confusing and there have been a lot of moments I have been quite literally dumbfounded saying "what the fuck". Usually around 1-3am I have a cigarette and I still think on ok, this is all still happening... remember to breath. 

The truth is this has all been a very short amount of time with a lot of crazy things that have happened. Astrologically there is a lot going on, this might have been the year that the Mayans were actually referring to when they said shit would hit the fan, it's just been a lot, for sure. We have had to examine aspects of our lives that otherwise seemed mundane or routine and see where we have taken things for granted. 

This is what it has been like on a global scale. Let's look at a more personal scale. 

Since we last spoke I turned 30 and got through another new year- which is always a time of reflection for me, got my fucking dream job and I'm killing it because I am so happy with work, still in that relationship I was last year and love my partner so much, and I made it through the holidays with my family smoothly. I guess you could say I'm really becoming an adult?............even though I look like I'm 12 and act like it a lot too. 

Which, to be honest, is why this blog has gotten on the back burner in my life a lot. I still write a lot but my outlets have changed. I really want to start a new project or a podcast but I have been dragging my feet on this. Speaking of... 

New Years Resolutions: 

1. take better care of my car.

2. put my projects into action and off of the back burner. 

3. be the best employee I possibly can. 

If you were reading through this blog front to back the change you would see from the writing to the person I am today has changed so much. I went from someone who was so utterly hopeless to someone who is just brimming with gratitude. Even on my worst days now I still look around and am so happy with my life. I wish I could back to when I was 20 and tell that girl it rally was all going to be ok. Although, I wouldn't have believed even myself. 

keep your head up little one

Turning 30 really made me think about what my life has become and all the things I have learned. Definitely one of those biggest things is, "it's not easy". Having your dreams come true isn't easy and I'm honestly sorry for the people that it is easy for. Life was made to experience suffering. In the wise words of my mother, "It's not how you fall down, it's how you get back up." And I think we have all had to deal with this reality in 2020-2021. This year has been truly crazy and it has given the word perspective a new sense of perspective. We have lost people from our lives in different ways from the normality that they remained there to some a completely emptied space. 

We have realized the things we can and can not live without and how truly important toilet paper is to this nation. People have lost their jobs and others have gained new jobs. complete industries, that no one ever imagined would fail, have floundered. There has been a sense of the entire nation, maybe planet, just trying to keep it's head above water.

But again, personally I have realized time is fleeting. I remember when I was a kid and I couldn't wait to drive a car and have a license. It felt like I would never get there, now I have been driving for longer than it took to get my license. I remember entering high school and thinking it was going to take forever to get out of there, flash forward and I'm at college. I feel like sometimes I am just really blinking my life away. This has however given me a lot more opportunity to live in the now. To seize the day but at the same time not fear the future as much. 

A lot of fear has surrounded me with the pandemic however. I am nervous of getting sick, getting others sick, getting my family sick....... But after worrying myself so much I do know realize I can not let this fear consume me. This is a lesson I have learned before, and a tricky little one that squeezed in there again. All we can do is the next right thing. 

I have not stopped writing during all of this time. I did write something when I turned 30 that I am proud of that I will share soon. Around when you turn 30 you do experience your Saturn Return: 

The Saturn returns is when the plant Saturn comes back to meet your natal Saturn. It takes about 29.5 years for Saturn to return to where it was when you were born. The Saturn return hits in the late 20s and its impact is felt into the early 30s. It's when you find your purpose and can be a really transformative time which can be really difficult. 

Some parts of life suck but I am going to tell you this and it is relevant to whoever, wherever: This is the only moment you need to worry about. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Just right now. You're not late for anything. You aren't going to miss anything,. You are exactly where you are suppose to be and you are exactly who you are supposed to be. You absolutely perfect and enough and whatever happen today is supposed to happen because you can handle it, grow from it and learn from it. Strive for progress not perfection. Decide right now not to live in fear and to live life. 

Tensions are HIGH.

Shit is weird. 

Like really weird. It feels weirder by the day. 

Ok so it's been only two months since I was last here. However, it feels like a lifetime ago. If you are reading this in a year other than 2020- let me tell ya, this year was a wilder roller coaster than most of my life. I hope things have gotten better. I literally say. "God speed." Instead of, "Good bye." 

April felt like a year, May felt like a week, June feels like it's already over and it's not. 

One thing that has been extremely difficult for me has been that I haven't been able to go to in person recovery meetings and virtual meetings are not something I ever foresaw. For me getting my ass into a meeting and seeing humans is really important and when I got sober it was almost a guarantee that they would always be there for me. No matter how shitty things got in life or the world AA would always be there for me, until now. Virtual meetings don't give me all of the aspects that an in person meeting does. I know a lot of people are dealing with not being able to do a lot of different things right now, but not having my recovery in full operating order is quite different than needing a haircut...

For me going to meetings isn't about staying sober anymore, it's about keeping my fucking shit together and knowing how to live life. If I never had come into contact with AA, I for sure would be somewhere else, and it wouldn't be a good place. Luckily I have 8 years of developed recovery however I still am not very good at navigating life on my own. So I have had to reach out to a lot of people and make sure everyone else I care about is ok. 

But my mood and life has been all over the place. I've been unemployed for about almost three months and the lack of structure is very hard for me. It's also hard because a lot of my days are spent searching for jobs so if I do get a new job my routine will shift yet again and I am not sure how.   

Everything is just in the air and I feel like I'm trying to hold on so tightly to anything to just stay grounded.  

I am also in the moving process which is scary to me because my space that I have become so comfortable with in this time of chaos is going to change. I have really security issues and not knowing where my home is going to be or what it is going to look like scares me. 

I am so confused with life this week. Last week I was fine, maybe tomorrow I will be ok but right now I am really like: 

Monday's are probably the hardest because I wake up with fear to have to deal with a whole week. I stay up way to late. I am having a really hard time relaxing. 

I know, I have to know, that everything is going to be ok. Honestly, if I let go a little bit more the universe will be able to guide me. I know I have to rely on faith and know that I am loved and protected no matter what happens. I AM JUST LIKE REALLY STRESSED OUT. 

And sometimes I explode. I go crazy, my emotions get out of control. 24/7 I am trying to make the right choice and sometimes I just don't. I am glad I can usually recognize where I went wrong and work on it. 

Onwards and upwards. We must make progress or we are stagnant. 

The tension in the world I just feel is so high. Riots, rebellions, revolutions. I am trying to educate myself more every day and help others to understand my perspective. I feel so much hatred even like when I'm driving in the car. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to add more hate in the world right now. Fear creates hate. Not being afraid right now is hard. 

I don't know the answer. I don't even know what to right. I feel my platform is a place people come for hope. I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. I just want to tell you it's ok, and it's ok to not be ok. Especially right now. 

I do want to say this though: you get more bees with honey. If you are trying to teach someone about what it is you think and feel you need to do just that, teach. Speaking out of anger is rarely effective. I know it feels like you may just want to yell and scream and tell people how fucked up their views are, but you can no reach people that way. Honestly, our world is in such division. We are not seeing each other as humans. We are seeing right and wrong and we need to remember we are all fucking humans. We need to speak to one another as such. 

I think the whole culture of encouraging "Karen" behavior, by first of all entertaining it and giving it a name is not great. No one should speak at someone else. 

I digress. You just need to do you're best. You need to put your best foot forward. Be kind, be compassionate. Try to live with passion even when it's hard. And don't forget, the right thing is not usually the easy choice. 

Educate yourself and educate others. Conversation is powerful and empowering. 

When you're uncomfortable you are growing, so world, we are growing. 

Corona Diaries: Baking and getting laid off.

My life has changed so much in the past month, along with the rest of the world.

I am currently in the craziest times anyone in my lifetime has experienced- at least in quite a while...
I remember learning about the bubonic plague as a kid and going to a museum and seeing the plague doctor's outfit. I remember it thoroughly freaking me out and learning ring around the rosie was actually really dark...
This wasn't something that haunted me though because it felt very medieval, like the torture chambers they used back then, not like something I would ever encounter.

Yet here I am, unsuspectingly living through a plague.

I am actually surprised it has taken me this long to sit down and write since for the past month I have been mostly confided to the small space of my studio apartment and my boyfriends 1 floor apartment. This whole experience has been a whirlwind. I mean things are constantly changing, from being able to eat out, to days later not being able to go anywhere and the grocery stores randomly running out of toilet paper. Wtf...

I have been on a wilder rollercoaster ride then usual these days, maybe in another amusement park all together. I am constantly trying to stay in a state of gratitude. I have made a gratitude jar, blessing jar and banishings jar that we contribute to daily. But sometimes no matter how much you bless or banish things from your life metaphorically, you still break down.


I go from happy to five minutes later wanting to rip my skin off because I feel so confined. Apart of me wants to flee but there is literally no where to go as our whole world is being effected by this. It does feel a bit apocalyptic, but in a way where something is ending and something else beginning. When I sit outside I feel like I am in Pleasantville sometimes and it freaks me out.

I like having this time to get stuff done in my space. I have been able to finish projects I didn't think would get done and bake a lot more. I really have a lot of introverted ways so this time for me is not the most difficult, but then some days I feel very useless and restricted. I'm a virgo and I stress clean. I bake a lot, like a lot. I've had to cancel multiple vacations and my family is all very far away.

Plus, I already have completely unrelated health issues that I need to go talk to the doctor about pretty urgently. This stress of this time that has manifested through my body has made my condition worse. I throw up sometimes 3 times a day because I can't fully swallow my food and sometimes I get unrelated to food spasms in my esophagus that legitimately feel like heat attacks. I had a spasm the other day and became hysterical because I have no idea when I will be able to see my doctor again. And like an hour before that I was happy and fine. It's like everything is fine and normal until you remember it isn't....

I have been watching my friends lose their jobs left and right, and staying very thankful for the position I have been in. The first of my friends to lose their jobs were the service industry, which is the industry my company deals with. I have felt like a FEMA worker for restaurants, trying to reassure them everything will be ok. Well today, others had to give me that reassurance because my company was the one that got hit with lay offs. I know this is unavoidable but I'm honestly just really sad. I worked my ass off all last year to find a job I liked and I wound up with one I really loved. Also being able to have working days during this shelter in place has kept me very sane.

I still stay in gratitude. I know that no matter what happens I will be taken care of. I have my higher power and faith, family and my support system. It just kinda sucks. Also everyone, I mean everyone, I work with was blind sided. So it was a tough, weird, emotional day. I understand though, the state of the restaurant industry and our economy is horrible. I am glad I am not alone but I wish we didn't all have to suffer through this.

Someone also remind me that the work I did last year was not in vain. My goal in switching industries was to try and find something I enjoyed and I did do that. I figured out my niche and once businesses is back to usual I have no doubt I will thrive.

The thing that is truly the hardest for me right now is whenever my life or the world has gotten shitty in the past 8 years I have always been able to get myself up, take a shower, get dressed and go to a meeting. Or maybe run to a meeting crying covered in hardship. But never did I foresee not being able to go physically sit in an AA meeting. That wasn't part of the fucking deal. We have established online meetings and they are helpful but I am just struggling not having the one thing I was always promised. So I must compromise and try and make it work.

Right before all of this happened I was kinda walking around constantly checking over my shoulder because things were so good in my life I knew it wouldn't stay that way forever. You have to appreciate the good days because you never know when things will change. Even in quarantine, with a roof over our head, good food to cook, company and my cat I still have much to be grateful for and good days to have. In the words of my Pop-pop, "No one ever said this was gonna be easy". Life is very unpredictable and you just have to learn how to deal.

I turn to my higher power, my practice of craft and to live in light. Those who don't have a faith I believe haven't lived with hardship for very long. You can say I am leaning on my faith, but I choose to believe. We have to choose positivity during this time or you will, well, lose your fucking mind.

I have had a lot of time to devel into the arts again. Watching films, crafting, listening to more music, baking, reading. In the normal day to day 9-5 life it's sometimes hard to make time for these things. If there is anything I will learn from quarantine its to make more time for the things I love. I want to live with as much passion as Dermott Kennedy.

I am sure for others this experience is incredibly different. People are having a better or a harder time and everything in between. I can only speak to my experience right now. No matter how you're doing you're not alone. Although we are pretty isolated right now we still have so much technology that keeps us connected so call me if you need a laugh or a photo of chewy. And go pursue your hobby! Make the most of this time, I guarantee you we will never have an opportunity again like this to turn inward and find more truths about ourselves. Time is more valuable than anything else we have so make the most of it, and get outside if you need to.

After writing all this I really have realized how much my life has changed. If it was even just a couple of years ago I would not have this attitude. I would be freaking the fuck out, saying Fuck it daily, and most likely picking up a drink. Right now I do have a strong urge to say fuck it and want to drink. However, I have worked really hard on finding a center of balance and becoming a ray of fucking sunshine. Not to mention I have seen worse days than this. This too shall fucking pass. My personal mantra for half of my life has literally been, "this will all be over before you know it." Good or bad life moves fast and like I mean how am I almost 30? 1999 feels like yesterday. Soon we will be romanticizing the quarantine days and thinking ugh I wish I was still stuck in quarantine. I am not trying to down play how shitty things are- I literally lost my job yesterday. But this too shall pass so buckle up and just ride the fucking wave. Things could always be worse. We will all be ok, even if we are not.

Holy Shit, Hello 2020.

Holy Shit.

I haven't updated this since September?! Jesus h christ.

I think it's so hard for me to stay on top of my writing and this blog the past few years because they've been blowing by.
Like the statement alone: "these past few years... have been blowing by" Like ...

I remember when I was younger and wishing so hard I could drive a car with my license. It felt like a few years was a lifetime. The few short years I was in college and was underage felt like FOREVER. I think when you've lived so little life seems short.
The days go by quicker than ever before and life comes at me FAST.

Which is good and bad. It's good because the bad doesn't last so long. It's bad because life's beautiful moments slip between my fingers so quickly! I want to hold on to them tighter and tighter.
You have to appreciate the good days, you really do and value the time you have with family and friends.
Please people remember this. 

I love writing this time of year because it's a NEW CHAPTER of life.
uhh speaking of...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know some of you may have heard.... (probably because I told you) I am working on a new more adult, and PG, blog. I had planned on debuting it by now but the truth is I am really scared. I can't think of my life without this blog. I don't think I would be closing the door, I think I would be turning the page. Which is why the blog is titled: "Yab's Next Chapter" because it is.
But think it's so scary for me to physically turn that page...
So scary in fact that I started writing this blog at the beginning of January and I am now finishing it at the end of February...
But the fact is I am not ready to debut "Yab's Next Chapter". I will keep you updated.

Right now I need to fill you in on the past... well year... and the current... well New Year. 

It's now 2020. So with that being said I will need to review and reflect on 2019....

I feel like there were a lot of memes and a lot of people saying 2019 sucked. Not to play into this negativity but
2019 sucked ass.

I'm just going to say it ok, I hated 2019. I was 7 years sober for most of the year but that literally means nothing sometimes. I am just a 28/29 year old trying to piece together what life is.
I felt like this year I actually had to figure my shit out. I had quit my job in nonprofits at the end of 2018 and I truly did not know where the fuck I was going. I spent days on end applying to jobs and getting literally no where.

Real talk, I also came really fucking close to drinking again and smoking pot. Someone asked me the other day "Does sobriety get easier?" Sometimes the answer for me is truly no. It does not go away. I am not cured from wanting to drink and use drugs.
The fact of the matter is I have created a new life for myself- wait- I have created A LIFE for myself. But as the alcoholic I am sometimes want to flush that shit down the drain.

This happens because:
1.  I forget what I have to do
2. I forget how far I have come
3. I stopped doing the things I have to do to stay healthy
it's mostly those 3 things combined.

I was so miserable this past year. I kept thinking, "if I just get...I will be happy". I thought getting the man I love to be with me would make me happy- we were finally in love and it did not cure me. I thought quitting my job would make me happy. I thought it was Colorado that was making me miserable. I thought if I got my dream job I would finally be happy- and then I didn't get offered the position, twice. All of the things I didn't want to happen happened. I had to move out of my perfect apartment because it got to expensive. I was working weeks in a row with no days off and about four jobs- seriously, this is not an exaggeration. I got fucking fired from a dumb part-time job that I hated but it still made me feel like a fucking loser.
And that was my rock bottom.

After that happened I fully gave up trying to force everything to work out. I was praying to God in the exact way I knew I was not supposed to, "God help me get this job and I know everything will be better." blah, blah, blah. Finally, I let the universe guide me again.

You shouldn't ask for things. I learned this at a young age. You should work for things, yes. You should definitely be grateful for the things you have. You should utilize the gifts you are given. But it is plainly rude to ask for things that are not yours.

I started to relax and work harder on my spirituality and staying healthy and things fucking fell into place. I started helping other people again instead of crying about my privileged problems.
After two years of applying to jobs, I got offered basically three jobs in one week.

Then I had to pick one. I was terrified I made the wrong choice. 

2020 so far has showed me that none of my choices are wrong and I am exactly where I need to be. I am in a job I love.
Working shitty jobs really shows you when you have it good. I also finally quit a job that made me feel horrible about who I was as a person even though I worked my ass off. I learned in the past two months of 2020 that hard work and strong work ethic is extremely important but I would also rather be a little bit broke rather than be treated like garbage or "the help". I have seen first hand that money doesn't buy happiness and I want to be happy.

Right now I have more responsibility than I ever have. I have my apartment, my cat, my relationship, my sobriety, a job I really car about, career and personal goals. For one of the first times I am not afraid of that responsibility. It is a driving force for me to be the best version of myself.

With that being said, life is still a constant freak out... (just a little less so)
it's that roller coast of life...

I AM FUCKING TURNING 30 THIS FUCKING YEAR. I come to acceptance with this and look at my personal growth and the fact that I am finally becoming an "adult" and then I also like want to cry because my care free days are coming to an end.
Why the fuck did our parents let us play "house" as kids? I manifested this shit for myself and I want to go back to the fucking playground.

It is weird to me too because my mom had me when she was 30. And now I am as old as when I first met my mom. She always seemed so much older and "adult". You look at your parents and you just see them as anomalies, all knowing, having the answer to everything, super human. But it makes me realize how human she is.
I'm also sitting here watching Beverly Hills 90210, which literally came out when my mom was 30, 30 years ago and it's like I'm having this nostalgic moment for her, wondering where she was in this life then.

I digress-
I should say too I have been really scared of writing. I don't know why. I don't know if I am avoiding my feelings, not wanting to look at them, or just doing other less important things. Lately I have been watching so much tv and evading my reality. I am deep in reality TV right now but the truth is I need to confront my reality.

back to that ultimate goal I always revert to:
Finding balance. Right now I am fairly balanced but I need to tip the scale a little bit more to follow my passions and continue to nurture my happiness.

I know I always promise that I will stay more up to date on my writing for you all, not that anyone cares lol, it's a promise to myself.
Well I am not going to promise it, I am just going to do it.

Thanks for reading and letting me share.

I Sure Could Use A Drink

I have 110 drafts in my blogger. 110 things I have started and not finished. I don't think this blog will ever be finished and I have a vision for evolving it one day but I also have 110 pieces to finish writing. But today I am starting from scratch.

My last blog post was started in January and tweaked here and there in the beginning of the summer but a lot has happened in the in betweens of all that.

Like I had mentioned previously, probably the biggest thing I have been dealing with is the job search. This has been so difficult for me because I have completely switched lanes but I really have no idea where I am going and trying to drive somewhere without an end destination is unsurprisingly difficult.

Previously, in the nonprofits I was working in, I was overworked and underpaid. The overworked part I can deal with but the combination of the two over the course of a few years left me completely burnt out. I have developed a strong skill set over the years but as I am trying to do something completely different, starting from the bottom, I feel like I have no skills at all and am completely behind in the game of life.

I realize that career switches happen at way later points in life then where I am at. Keeping perspective, that I am still very young, is well really difficult. I constantly am left feeling defeated and like I am way behind everyone I am competing with. Also my whole life I have been very difficult.

I am a difficult person. I make things harder for myself and the people that surround me constantly. It's not like I do it on purpose but because of my wonderful stubborn nature (thanks mom and dad) I find it difficult to not be difficult. And because of this I find it harder to, "fake it til you make it". I have a very revealing face and am perhaps too authentic.

This whole job search, the constant call in for interviews, second interviews, homework assignments for interviews, just to get nowhere is really hard to not leaving me feel rejected in life. I guess I have lost a spark for positive thinking recently because I am constantly being told no.


HOWEVER, I did recently land a real sort of job. It is a temporary position so it has me feeling uneasy because I may not have a job in a few months but it definitely is the break I have been waiting for in a lot of ways. Again..... Keeping that positive outlook is just realllllly difficult right now.

Just the whole process has made me really question my life. Like oh I don't know... "What the fuck am I doing?" "Why don't I have a career?" "Where is my life headed?" "Will I ever become an adult?"

But honestly, I am living my goddamn life. Life is never easy. You can be 20 years sober and get breast cancer. You can have a high paying job and so much stress you don't get to enjoy anything. You could be poor on the streets but happy as a clam.

Life is what you get handed and what you make of it and that is really what I need to keep in perspective these days. I work multiple jobs and haven't had a lot of weekends off this summer. I am having a really hard time figuring out how to save money. I am handed with things that I have to accept about my life and not necessarily be complaisant but figure out what to do from there.

I can't keep crying and complaining and being negative because I am frustrated with one aspect of my life. I need to take action to create pos·i·tiv·i·ty. "Faith without works is dead"

It really is a shame I haven't been writing over the past couple of months because this blog wasn't started with the intention of getting viewers but to help ME figure things out.

Another thing that has been really really really hard for me lately is my health. Pretty much it's gotten to the point that I regurgitate something that I eat at least once a day. And if I don't vomit up the food that I can't get down into my stomach I choke on it until my esophagus muscles decide to open up and let the food down. AND no one REALLLLY knows what the fuck is going on, and now I am waiting on my health insurance from a new job to kick in so I can't really go back to the doctor until then.
I had a colonoscopy, endoscopy and multiple doctors visits that all came back inconclusive. I finally found a holistic doctor that gave me really answers but now I have to wait til I have health insurance to go back. So ya know that's been frustrating. But if you see me running to the trash can to throw up food I just ate, don't worry this is normal for me right now.

Another thing I should really be honest that has been going on with me this last year has to do with my recovery...

As I reached 7 years sober in March, things had become harder. I went through a serious mental battle about turning back to alcohol and how I may not really be an alcoholic or addict.

I think when you get sober you just think it will all get easier. The longer you stay sober the further you get from a drink and the easier it must become...

WRONG. Being an alcoholic alcohol and drugs never become unappealing. At least to me. The closer and more involved I stay in a program of recovery they seem like less of a good idea and the more tools I have to avoid them and the creeping thoughts they ensue. But staying close to a program of recovery the longer you stay sober is fucking hard.



When you get sober you usually do rehab which is like 3-12 months of intense therapy on why not to drink, then you do AA daily- if not more, you make a ton of friends in recovery and the easier it is to stay sober.

But well I got really busy with life and stopped going to as many meetings. I also got sober young and a lot of my friends I got sober with went back out, some of them died. Which honestly pushed me away from the program even further. Then I started hanging out with people who don't have drug and alcohol problems. And now there's weed practically everywhere you turn....

I will say, NO I have not drank or drugged still to this day. But its been really fucking hard. And I think a lot of people in my life expect me to be "cured of all this" now.

There is no cure for the disease I have. There are steps I can take to make them better and I have to rely on my High Power, other recovering alcoholics and myself to stay sober. That's all I can do. But remembering to do the next right thing is sometimes hard.


Which I guess is true of more than AA. I have to do the next right thing to stay sober, positive, moving forward and keeping myself trudging along. Because like I said things aren't going to be perfect and I can't be either. But I know that I enjoy being a positive influence on others and maybe I can start being a positive influence for myself.