Tensions are HIGH.

Shit is weird. 

Like really weird. It feels weirder by the day. 

Ok so it's been only two months since I was last here. However, it feels like a lifetime ago. If you are reading this in a year other than 2020- let me tell ya, this year was a wilder roller coaster than most of my life. I hope things have gotten better. I literally say. "God speed." Instead of, "Good bye." 

April felt like a year, May felt like a week, June feels like it's already over and it's not. 

One thing that has been extremely difficult for me has been that I haven't been able to go to in person recovery meetings and virtual meetings are not something I ever foresaw. For me getting my ass into a meeting and seeing humans is really important and when I got sober it was almost a guarantee that they would always be there for me. No matter how shitty things got in life or the world AA would always be there for me, until now. Virtual meetings don't give me all of the aspects that an in person meeting does. I know a lot of people are dealing with not being able to do a lot of different things right now, but not having my recovery in full operating order is quite different than needing a haircut...

For me going to meetings isn't about staying sober anymore, it's about keeping my fucking shit together and knowing how to live life. If I never had come into contact with AA, I for sure would be somewhere else, and it wouldn't be a good place. Luckily I have 8 years of developed recovery however I still am not very good at navigating life on my own. So I have had to reach out to a lot of people and make sure everyone else I care about is ok. 

But my mood and life has been all over the place. I've been unemployed for about almost three months and the lack of structure is very hard for me. It's also hard because a lot of my days are spent searching for jobs so if I do get a new job my routine will shift yet again and I am not sure how.   

Everything is just in the air and I feel like I'm trying to hold on so tightly to anything to just stay grounded.  

I am also in the moving process which is scary to me because my space that I have become so comfortable with in this time of chaos is going to change. I have really security issues and not knowing where my home is going to be or what it is going to look like scares me. 

I am so confused with life this week. Last week I was fine, maybe tomorrow I will be ok but right now I am really like: 

Monday's are probably the hardest because I wake up with fear to have to deal with a whole week. I stay up way to late. I am having a really hard time relaxing. 

I know, I have to know, that everything is going to be ok. Honestly, if I let go a little bit more the universe will be able to guide me. I know I have to rely on faith and know that I am loved and protected no matter what happens. I AM JUST LIKE REALLY STRESSED OUT. 

And sometimes I explode. I go crazy, my emotions get out of control. 24/7 I am trying to make the right choice and sometimes I just don't. I am glad I can usually recognize where I went wrong and work on it. 

Onwards and upwards. We must make progress or we are stagnant. 

The tension in the world I just feel is so high. Riots, rebellions, revolutions. I am trying to educate myself more every day and help others to understand my perspective. I feel so much hatred even like when I'm driving in the car. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to add more hate in the world right now. Fear creates hate. Not being afraid right now is hard. 

I don't know the answer. I don't even know what to right. I feel my platform is a place people come for hope. I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. I just want to tell you it's ok, and it's ok to not be ok. Especially right now. 

I do want to say this though: you get more bees with honey. If you are trying to teach someone about what it is you think and feel you need to do just that, teach. Speaking out of anger is rarely effective. I know it feels like you may just want to yell and scream and tell people how fucked up their views are, but you can no reach people that way. Honestly, our world is in such division. We are not seeing each other as humans. We are seeing right and wrong and we need to remember we are all fucking humans. We need to speak to one another as such. 

I think the whole culture of encouraging "Karen" behavior, by first of all entertaining it and giving it a name is not great. No one should speak at someone else. 

I digress. You just need to do you're best. You need to put your best foot forward. Be kind, be compassionate. Try to live with passion even when it's hard. And don't forget, the right thing is not usually the easy choice. 

Educate yourself and educate others. Conversation is powerful and empowering. 

When you're uncomfortable you are growing, so world, we are growing. 

How I Stayed Sober For 6 years...

Hi Friends. It's meeeee Gab aka Yab aka your neglective mother. I am SORRY for not writing for so long. It's just like an ordeal for me these days. I have countless drafts that I never publish because I'm too lazy to find pictures and then I just never end up posting it.

One day I'll do archive posts where you can read all my emotional spur of the moment drafts. Plus sometimes I write these heartfelt posts that are so on point with how I'm feeling in that moment and then I take some time and reflect and... I feel differently.

I have come along way since impulse writing and posting about break ups and heartaches.

Today I was in a recovery meeting picking up my six year coin and I mentioned to someone that I had a blog and then I realized wow I haven't been writing in this at all! I was like should I even tell this broad about it because it's so out of date

I didn't write anything for the new year which is usually a huge time of reflection for me and it's a week after my 6 years sober anniversary and I am just sitting down to write. Not ok Gab.

I think what it really is is that my life is going really fucking good right now. I used to use writing as a way to cope with the chaos I was dealing with but things have been so smooth sailing. And I'm almost afraid if I post anything complaining about any aspect everything will blow up. I'm actually in the throws of a functional relationship right now and I'm not even going to tell you anything about it because it's going too well.

It's kinda like treading water right now so that things stay good. Ehhh well maybe not. Maybe this is how normal people just live life, calm and collected.

Have I finally managed to achieve balance!??!?!? No. Maybe. Let's say almost. I guess life is a balancing act that and at this stage I've almost learned to juggle. I'm by no means perfect and there are definite areas that need improvement but this is the best things have been in a while.
However I have some PTSD from the insanity that was the last decade of my life so it does feel a bit like dog paddling. But I know things are going well.

If you were to sit down and read this blog from the beginning you'd go back to when I was still drinking, and you would get to watch me get sober. It's pretty fucking cool for me to have it all in writing.

Sometimes I think maybe it's inappropriate for me to be posting things about the nooks and crannies of my recovery since I am part of an anyonmous program but I think this blog has been a huge vessel for me to share my journey and where my strength comes from.

Going from a drunk to a sober woman of grace you change physically in some ways but you mostly metamorphose from the inside out. It's emotional and it's the way you handle life.

So usually around this time I write about how I've changed and what I'm like now yada yada yada
But right now I want to make  a list of how I have stayed sober over the years, the life hacks if you will.

I have had countless people reach out to me since I got sober about how I did it or just looking for advice. Usually I just give my story, lend my experience and hope they get something out of it but today I am going to tell you how I did it.

How I Stayed Sober For 6 Years: 

I stopped drinking and doing drugs because I was institutionalized. Going to a mental hospital for a month and a half cuts out any possibility of having a drink.

I went to rehab for MONTHS. I was in an intensive outpatient which meant I stayed at home. Group therapy has saved my life. If you've never done it I strongly encourage finding a group. I have been in group therapy since I was 18 and it's amazing. Yeah at first I hated but now I LOVE IT.

I stayed away from men for two years. I had never been on a date before I got sober, I barely had had sober sex, I went to an all catholic girls high school where I lost all social skills with boys. I had no business messing around with guys when I got sober and I honestly stayed the hell away from them.

I got involved in service. Whether it was helping someone else get sober or doing AmeriCorps, service changed and saved my life. And now it is my life. I have found my calling and I am full time dedicated to helping others.

I learned the only persons recovery who matters is mine. Helping other people is important but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And you can't let active alcoholics or addicts dictate your life. You need to stick with the people that want to better you and make the best choices for your recovery always.

You have to always be willing and ready to change. You can't stay stagnate. Being in recovery means you are constantly trying to make yourself a better person and you can't give up on that. You have to move forward and not backwards. Like I say, onwards and upwards yabbers.

I realized just because I got sober didn't mean life got easier. I got handed a set of tools that I learned how to use. The shittest shit ever can happen to you while your sober. But you have a new way of dealing with it that's not so painful.

I saw that this is life and death. The longer you stay sober the more people you will see go back out and die. It makes you realize how important this fight is. Young drunks don't become old drunks, they die. I wanted to live my life I wasn't ready to go.

But I also got sober to live life. So I got sober at 21, everyone was just starting to go to bars and clubs. I wasn't going to miss this party! I didn't get sober to stay in my house all the time. People still ask me how I am around alcohol so much. Well first of all, I have a large family that drinks so it would be hard to escape from completely. Secondly, I'm a loud vivacious person and I need somewhere to expel all my energy and I love to dance.
So I started by going out with sober friends to dance and then I just started to hang out with "normal drinking friends" and going anywhere I want.

If you are in the right spiritual place there is no where you can't be. However, you should make smart choices and it is not ok to drink vicariously through other people. Lesson learned.

I've come in and out of AA the past six years. I've fucking hated it and I've been so in love with it. But I keep coming back because it works for me. Do the work and put in the time. Always go to that meeting you're thinking about going to.

I say yes to anything anyone in AA asks me. Within reason... I don't have to say yes to a date but I do say yes anytime anyone asks me to be of service to another Alcoholic.

Also, I found God. From the moment I decided I was getting sober I started praying because as a good catholic girl that's what I knew how to do. The majority of 20somethings aren't living there life according to "a higher power or God". But I'm not normal. I don't talk to my friend about God all the time but it's just a huge part of my life. It's no one else's business but mine but my belief in a higher power has gotten me through the toughest times sober.

And finally, you don't have to drink over anything, ever. Period. 

That's it. That's how I've come this far. And you know the biggest thing I keep with me is that I'm still learning. People have been like "holy cow! Six years that's incredible!" And like of course it is but I've just done what I was told to do. It's been fucking tough. I will say that but yeah I don't want to die and I don't want to be locked up in a mental institution for the rest of my life. So this is the path I'm on.
And you know what it's fucking cool! Sobriety is a great ride once you're on board.

6 years later and my life is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to see what the next six years have in store.
TA TA! 

Getting Sober in Your 20s

So I missed Christmas 2016 with you all, I missed being able to write a new years blog, I've missed months of writing.

Now the only reason I am writing is because I am killing time at a coffee shop. When you're trying to waste time you really find out the things you need to get done...

Of course I have had things to write about, but honestly the truth is I have been sucked so far into the television I hardly use my laptop anymore unless I am on the move.

But writing a good blog takes concentration and time, both of which I have at the current moment luckily....

My friend was getting rid of his TV a couple of months ago and was literally like, "Do you want this? Just take it." It's massive, like the biggest TV I have ever personally owned and it has fully engulfed me into the world of netflix and reality television. I have ADD so having a massive TV in my room all to myself is really limiting to the rest of my work life. Like I have a necessary fidget cube in my hand right now.

But I guess- touching on New Years 2017- I will right now, this very second, make a resolution to turn off my TV for at least one day a week. Hopefully dedicating more time to my true passion, this blog. My friend also suggested dedicating 20 mins or a half hr to writing and then turning on the TV, which seems like it would work v well, so let's give that a whirl!

The thing about TV and movies is, although they are great and all, surprise surprise, they take you out of reality. And the thing about me and this blog is that this is much more than writing to me, this is one of the many ways I work things out in my life. I am grateful for all the views I get on my writing but it is honestly more cathartic for me. It's not only getting thoughts on to the page but it's also making them public knowledge so nothing is left in me to stir and stew.

So what's going on with me right now...

Welp by the time anyone reads this I will have 5 years of sobriety. Which really just makes me feel old. I kid, this is a huge accomplishment for me. I think my last real milestone with my recovery was 1 year and that was 4 years ago...

Damn.

I was telling someone the other day, a lot of people have said to me, "Oh you are so lucky to have gotten sober so young."

Honestly, not really... I am lucky to have gone to my first AA meeting at 18 and given up drinking by 21? Umm no sir or mam that is not luck, that is survival. You don't hear about "young drunks" becoming "old drunks". You hear about them dying.

I am lucky enough to have had a white light moment where I could see clearly for about 2.5seconds and realized that yes I am an alcoholic, but also alcoholism would kill me if I didn't stop drinking.

And honestly, I don't care if I'm that girl who constantly is saying, "It's about life and death" because that's the reality of the situation.

If you have a coke problem and your super functional, all it takes is one bad night to LITERALLY KILL YOU. Same with heroin, molly, and fatal consumption amounts of alcohol.

I am eternally grateful that somewhere along the past five years my thinking changed from needing a drinking to learning how to survive without it. Because for me a glass of wine, or a craft brew is not worth a trip to a psych hospital for the third time, or worse.

But the reality of it is it's a lot easier to moderately drink through your 20s than be sober. I had to grow the fuck up starting at 21. I know 32 years who are not as emotionally mature as I had to be at 24. I had to learn how to skirt around "getting a drink" for a first date. I had to learn how to go on a date for the first time sober. I had to learn how to have two jobs and a ridiculous work week without having a drink on Friday or Saturday.
I am not one to sit at home so I had to learn how to go clubbing and to bars sober. I had to learn when and who to go out with that was safe for me. I learned to travel sober, like I went to Paris and had no champagne. I did have copious amount of meat and cheese to make up for it though.

I had to learn how important it was to actually tell people what was going on with me so I didn't want to kill myself daily, literally and figuratively. I have had my heart broken sober and I didn't drown my sorrows in booze. However, I have never drunk dialed an ex so we can count that as a benefit.

You're fucking 20s are hard enough as it is without not being able to have a drink.

and yes I know, I am only 26. So basically I have only been sober my early 20s but honestly, I don't plan on drinking anytime soon, which means I will probably be sober through my late 20s as well.

But don't get me wrong, there benefits to this life too, quite an abundance of them. At 20, I literally could not see a future for myself. All I was constantly looking to do was get to the next party, whenever wherever. Even if it was a month away, that is what I was looking forward to.

Now, at 26, I constantly am practically pinching myself and saying, "can you believe what your life has become." Even my hardest days sober are better than my worst days drinking.

Moving away from where I got sober and the friends I have made in this new life I have, had has been very fucking hard. I chose to do this. To leave my life and what was comfortable in order to push myself to grow, and as fun as this adventure has been it's been really fucking hard.

Over the past year I have felt incredibly existential so many time. My heart lies in Philly but I long for adventure. I expected to come to Colorado and absolutely love it here but honestly, that hasn't been the case at all. It's made me think so much about who I am and ultimately where my place is in this world. I could have stayed comfortable in Philly and never felt these feelings but I keep pushing myself to grow because that is what recovery is.

Shit has happened to me in the past few years that I honestly never thought I would be able to make it through sober. All of my reservations have been broken. A lot of people will tell you, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier..." I remember telling myself, "If my dog dies, I will probably have a drink." It was such a steadfast thought. And although having both my dogs die a couple months apart broke me down quite a bit, it didn't even cross my mind to have a drink.

Then when I decided to live with one of my oldest and best friends, and watched her eventually kill herself with drugs, I didn't pick anything up.

If anything these lessons I have learned without using have taught me how to survive and thrive, not broken me down.

I think a lot of people are like, "Oh it would be a fight or flight reaction and you don't know how you would act given the situation" I can honestly say my reaction to life is fight.
And if I get nothing out of being sober 5 years, I can honestly say I am fucking proud of that.

I am proud to be as my therapist puts it, "a badass" for being sober this long and learning to fucking fight through the shit.

Recovery is a battle and you are fighting for your life everyday.

The end of that saying is, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier... but it does get better". And that I fucking know is true.

I have met some of the most incredible people throughout my recovery and formed incredibly deep relationships. Including meeting my best friend Sam. I don't think I will ever truly connect with another human as strongly as I have with her and I am so lucky to have met her on this road.

So yes, getting sober is your 20s is not fucking easy, but it's definitely been worth it.

I'm 24 years Old and I've Never Been In Love

I'm 24 years old and I've never been in love. 

I think I've loved people. I know I have. However, I've never been in love, like really in love. I've never been in it. 

I've had it....I've, ya know, loved. But never have I ever been in love. Sometimes, that scares me. I think that maybe it will never happen for/to me.

I care about people pretty quickly. I am a pretty loving person. I'm faster to love someone than hate them.

And I definitely think I watch too many movies on the subject of love...

I've fallen out of love before (usually the idea of love versus really loving someone)

I've walked away from love.

It's one of those things that, because I've never had it at, I want it.
But I don't even know what it's like.
I really don't know what it's like to be in love.
The only depiction, and really feeling, that I have of love- being in love- is from the movies. I don't know what it's like to be so truly deeply involved in it. I've never said to someone "I love you." And the only person who ever said it to me was a drunk boy that then proceeded to pee in my bed... And the last guy would say it by accident and then follow it up with, "I don't love you. I hate you." Oh...
If I've been anywhere close to love, it's been very surface level. Thinking about being deep, deep in love is ~mystifying~ to me. I can't really conceptualize the idea because I think it's a feeling that I've just never had.

Love seems to be one of the few things in life you can't look for. It can't be something you're actively searching for. It seems, to be something that just has to come to you.

Maybe that's why I haven't found love. I'm constantly searching for it. Even when I say I am not, or think I'm not, I definitely am. Like I said, it's ~mystifying~. I want to understand it, I want to feel it but I just never have.

All of the greatest loves I've ever seen have been in movies or are stories. And maybe that's what they are. They're just made up fictional stories and they're not real- they're fake. Are there great lovestories that are real?

I'm not a product of real love. My parents hate each other. Both of them have remarried and have great working relationships. But I was not a product of a great real love- don't get me wrong my parents love me very much, they just hate each other.
It is possible that a spirit of independence was instilled in me as a child that I just can't shake. I've always known it's okay to be alone and I've always like being alone. It's not that I don't like people, I just like being alone sometimes, a lot of the time. 

A lot of people joke about the phrase "forever alone" and although it is funny to joke about as a single person, it's possible that I will be forever alone. But I think that if that happens it'll be at my own doing.

People have tried to love me and I've push them away. I try to love people and they push me away. I don't really think I will be "forever alone…" But I don't know. Is it normal, To never have found love at 24? Is there still hope for me? We shall see.

It's funny that as much as I have never really felt what it's like to be in love, I've felt what it's like to be not-in-love and to have people not love you. I've felt pain.

Break ups suck. No matter what, when, or how, they suck. At first it's all liberating, like fuck ya! But then it's like fuck.my.life.

And it comes in waves. It's almost like having a cold, at least it is for me right now. Well... I also have a cold so I might be confused... But there are things that make this feeling worse and better. Chocolate and ice cream, makes things better. Friends, make things better. Romance movies, feel like death. Staring at your phone feels agonizing. And it's so easy to get trapped. To turn, shut the blinds and watch movies.

It's a little more energy but a lot less painful to keep moving. To get out of bed and make a smoothie and seize the day.
But then sometimes you hear a song, or see a picture and it's like a wave of emotion that hits you. Like a coughing attack. And you just need water. Or... chocolate.

I wish I could just hit an off switch and make all my feelings go away. However, I am a human and I have complex emotions. *le sigh* i miss him. 

Even though I know [me and the boy I'm no longer seeing] want different things, and that he's not good for me, I still miss him. It just hurts so bad right now. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I'm a little sad
still.

"We always knew this was going to be a shit time." -Love Actually I've quoted this before and I will continue to....
I knew this would suck. I hate breakups. I hate how many times I've had my heart broken without ever having had love. I just want to scream it's not fair. I want to cry. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Today a friend, I admire for her courage, said to me, "you are so strong." To have someone say that feels good. I know I will come out of everything that is going on around and with me a better person.
BUT OH IT HURTS.

The easy thing to do is die. To lay down and take it and give up. It'f hard to move forward and onward.
And sometimes you miss people who don't give a shit. In life, people and interactions can mean different things from one person to another. On the flip side- it can work the other way. People can appreciate you without you even knowing it.

Tonight a woman told me how I did something for her that I had totally forgotten about. People can remember things you do for them that you didnt realize you did. Small acts of kindness do not go unappreciated, in my belief. We call these lollipop moments.

Find the silver linings in life and don't focus on negativity. There is no point. 

It is ok to be sad, but I will move forward. Onward and upward, yabbers!

So loved or not currently... I know I am worth it and I am lovable. If no one else loves me, well I'd probably treat myself better anyway...like by giving myself another chocolate bar.

And you know what? I am loved. By so, so, so many amazing people. By my Mummy and Daddy and my Nan and Bill, all my brothers and my lil mini sister. I have friends that are seriously, so beyond amazing. I am incredibly grateful for them. The fact that I can text my friends across the country and say "I need you...now." And there they are, doing whatever they can.

And I have a fellowship. The people and rooms of AA are there always.

Maybe I have more love in my life then those girls who pine and wait for their boyfriends to say, "I love you." I have a love, stronger, and longer lasting then them.

*REMEMBER 2015: Balance. Om.