"Oh no no... We Are Way Past Rockbottom."

Hi it's me.

I'm just sitting in the dark listening to Ed Sheeran, thinking out loud how much I hate my dating life.

I have seen a lot of psychics in my day and honestly I think they're holding out on me. I feel like they get one good look at me and they're like, "aw shit." I don't think anyone is being honest with me anymore.

I think I really will die alone. I don't think I understand how relationships or dating works. I don't think I have a compatible match out there. I think I am happy being alone because it is my destiny. 

I feel like this is the 100th blog post where I am writing, "I'm tired of dating."

At this point I feel like I am at an all time low. I would not say by any means I am at a rock bottom. Oh no no we are way past that point...
But I will say I'm just almost, baffled by the status of my dating life.

I am so fucking done. I have written before that dating can be exhausting but now I'm at another level... I am now crying.

There's all these songs, movies, books, pieces of literature that all have to do with love. And I've never felt it. I've already written about how I don't even know what love is and I'm not going into detail about that right now because that's not even my main concern.

I'm in the stage of my life where I have a wedding constantly coming up. Not only will I never get a plus one- because everyone knows how single I am- but I will never need one, and if I ever got one it would be a source of anxiety because I have no one to fucking bring with me.
And let's not even talk about the fact that at these weddings these people are committing their lives to each other and I can't even get a guy to call me back!

This is what I'm tired of: Ghosting. And honestly, how dating apps have changed the dating landscape.

Bumble and tinder have full on deleted chivalry from our already very "modern" society. Finding someone to ask you out and not into their bed is already a challenge. And if you do find a date it's different rules then it used to be.


You would think because I am a 27 year old it wouldn't matter what dating apps have done because I essentially grew up with them. But I don't think I was made for them. Some guy kept asking me the other night on a 'date' "What's your type?"
I don't have a fucking type. I think people who are attractive are attractive? But like I'm attracted to people's personalities and you don't really get that from swiping left or right on max five pics. I like to laugh, but I have a certain sense of humor.

I've been doing the dating thing. Like going out on dates with guys, real dates. I enjoy the actual act of the date--- which is something I never thought I would say. There was a point, not that long ago, where the thought of sharing a meal with a dude would have been enough to keep me at home.

I have come along way that's for fucking sure... In so many capacities. For the past five years I have been fighting everything to make my life better. Everyday I fight to stay sober and be a better person. So sitting down with someone and saying "I don't drink" is so invalidating. When they say "oh why don't you drink" I sometimes just say "I had a drinking problem". I'm not gonna tell you the first day I met you how I have come from being a shell of nothing to making something of myself.

But these guys take me on a date, or three max, and never call me again. I definitely think that the whole dating world at their thumb has them over me in .5 seconds. I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels for these guys, in fact a lot of the time I don't know if I want to spend more time with them or not. But I'm willing to see what happens. All I am fucking looking for at this point is NORMAL. Fucking normal.

The act of dating is getting to know someone and whether you can spend extended periods of time with someone. I just think these people are real life swiping me to quickly.

When someone used to ask you out (this was before my time) it was obviously first of all someone you knew. So they already had some concept of who you are. And a key dating rule (according to my sources) was to not be so available.

Now... Men have the attention span of a goldfish because they have a pocket full of endless women on their phone.

Here's the other thing that bugs me... I am the only one I know with a blog who analyticly picks apart their dating life. Sure a lot people probably do this in the privacy of their own head, but I know plenty of people in long term relationships and MARRIED FOR GOD SAKES so obviously this code isn't so difficult for them to crack. So what the fuck is wrong with me? AM I JUST OVERTHINKING ALL OF THIS.

But I don't really think I'm overthinking guys telling me they'll call me and then never hearing from them again... I think that's just facts.

I have been in therapy for literally years and I can't find someone to date. I will say I am incredibly critical of other people and I have very high standards. And of course, let's be real... I low key love and thrive being single... but it is all like some sort of weird math problem I am constantly trying to solve.

Well my mom always said to me "you'll find someone when you stop looking." I genuinely have been trying to get to that point for so long and I can finally say I am fucking there.

But I will say, I have a lot of male friends, male friends who read this blog... seriously stop. Stop ignoring girls- that you said you would text and then you didn't so they texted you and you ignored. Stop standing up girls. Stop being fucking assholes and hiding behind your screens. Stop being little boys and grow the fuck up. Don't call girls crazy when you are being a little bitch. Stop fucking lying and manipulating.

Right now I feel like shit. I feel so used and abused. I feel not worth anyone's time. I feel lied to.
I don't feel good enough.

I live my life by a principal called radical honesty. I don't lie. The few times I have in the past year have been to random men who have asked me questions that were too personal so I gave them fake answers. But just because I am telling the truth all the time doesn't mean everyone else is.
Ask yourself this... how many times have you lied in the past year? It's hard for me to recognize that not all people are as honest, maybe even with themselves, as I am and try to be.

Getting sober you really have to get honest, so ever since I did that, I got real honest. I think that's why people love reading this so much because it's so raw.

I feel really raw right now. What is wrong with me or what am I doing wrong that I can't hold anyone's interest for more than a couple hours?

Usually by the end of me writing out all of my feelings I come to a conclusion that makes me feel better about the whole situation. This didn't happen today.

I will say this, all of this has taught me to be vulnerable and to let people in even if they won't let me in. Maybe I'm not the most trusting person but I have become willing to let something into my life. You know I have gone out with some fucking nutsos so maybe I need someone to pick out a man for me... I don't think I'm going about any of this right anymore...

Hey, maybe this is the conclusion- Maybe you have to fall flat on your faces 100 times before learning how to properly walk, run, or rollerblade. Maybe you have to just learn how to put yourself out there before anything can come to you.

My cousin always says to me that God is molding the perfect person for me and I do believe that.

I retract that I will die alone- because I have calmed the fuck down by a lot (Still listening to Ed tho)- If I tell myself I am going to die alone, then well one day I will. I can not let my fear manifest itself.

I know the right person is out there for me. And if I have to kiss a bunch of frogs til I get to him fine. I just wish they'd be a little more considerate and honest with me.

(Honestly, I don't know if any of that made sense to you, it was more just a rant. But to give you an overview I'm pissed that men keep ghosting me and that dating is so frustrating.)

Sitting With Loneliness

I feel  like every time I write a blog post I start off by saying, OMG IM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG!!!

Well guess what, it's been sao long and I don't give a fuck.
Don't piss your pants- I'm not like shutting down Fuck Yab- but like I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
ANYWAY now that that repetitious intro is over, let's get cracking:



So let's see... what's new in the life of yab? Oh well I will tell you.

So I had my break up, with my fake internet boyfriend but I got over that rather quickly aka I jumped back on tinder.

Now my first go around on tinder was about a year ago. I never had any intention of meeting any of the men I talked to- IRONIC BECAUSE I NEVER DID EVEN WHEN I WANTED TO- (I digress). It was all for my musings.
Now Idk, I am toying with the idea of meeting men from this application but like my social anxiety is not allowing for it. SO after many times of deleting and readding and deleting and redownloading tinder, I have finally deleted it period. 

Tinder is also highly questionable. 
Like you can say what you want- I've said what I want- but it was created as a purely physical thing. It's like a meat market. That's not to say some people aren't looking for more than a hook up but stilll... HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE.

But I deleted it finally, in my therapists office because she told me it is important to sit with your loneliness and it can sometimes lead to a great joy in the end.

Getting my quick fix from tinder, emotional or physical attraction, is just that- a quick fix. It lets me prolong my feelings of needing someone and being alone.

Tinder is not the only thing that blocks out loneliness.

Sometimes driving in the car, thinking and thinking about things, I start to get that lonely feeling. I immediately pick up my phone and call everyone in my favorite list hoping someone will pick up. When no one does I feel panicky and call my mom usually, or fucking anyone that will listen.

My therapist told me to try and sit through that loneliness because it can be followed by a good feeling.
So I have been trying to do that. Coincidentally, I've been listening to a lot of  The Script, 

and sitting in my car on the verge of tears driving around town.
WAIT WHY IS THIS GOOD?!?

because it really is followed by a good feeling...

I was driving listening to Breakeven and really missing my fucking stupid ex internet boyfriend. I was so upset for about .5 seconds.
Wondering if he even cares that it's all over, if he's already got some new internet girl friend, if he ever thinks about me or cries about it like, how upset is he? And will I seriously never talk to him again? Ever...

But then I thought this, he was just the beginning.
There are so so much better things ahead of me. That was just an opening to a doorway. He's not the end of anything!!

And it sucks that I miss him because I do. I really fucking do. But I have such great things ahead of me. I'm also not really alone, I have a whole contact list of favorites who I love so much and I know they love me.

So like, I am woman hear me roar. 

And it's important to feel feelings.
I am so scared for the generation after me that is just constantly bombarded by technology. I'm afraid they won't feel real feelings. They'll just have internet relationships their whole life and not know what it's like to have emotions...

I am really trying to get away from that, personally...

So I'm off tinder. And I've entered into the real world!
Last weekend I was out talking to new REAL LIFE PEOPLE the whole time.
Once I do it, I'm like, "oh yeah people are ok... I like them."

But it's so easy to get scared of people and hide on the internet or in my bed.
Especially this week... which I've done a little bit...

BECAUSE I HATE EVERYTHING AND I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING

I'm on my period and I have been a total nut case all week. Mostly just internally... and I've been emotionally abusive to my mom...per usual.

This was probably the worst week I could have tested out this whole loneliness thing because I am already an emotional train wreck...........

Like being a girl is just not fair. My life and emotions were totally fine a week ago and now I'm just like, give me a panini, a donut and a smoothie and srsly gtfa from me. Or there will be teeth marks somewhere. 

Whatever. 

So what have we learned today? 

GET THE FUCK OFF TINDER. 

I mean unless you don't have social anxiety. 

In that case question everyone's motives and FYI "let's hangout" Apparently just means let's hook up. So if some guy is like "let's hang out" There will be no hanging out... unless you mean naked... then there yes, will be penis' hanging out. 

~Life is a beach, so play in the sand. ~

OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I FORGOT. 

I was going to end the post there butttt waiiiittt a second!

So, there was a blood moon the other night! But if you are on Instagram I'm sure you already knew.... lol shut the fuck up everyone with your shitty moon pics. 

But the Blood moon, aside from meaning new ware wolfs are transitioning...., is a huge time of change!!!

And how fitting because I just completely revamped myself take a look:

If you couldn't tell from this post already, I am becoming the boss ass bitch I want to be. I am doing new things, moving forward in the right direction, and now have a new look.
Watch out world (Watch out Yab...) NEW CHANGES ARE ON THE HORIZON SO HIGH HO SILVER HERRE WE GO!