So I Left...

I feel like my blog has become a whiny teenage diary...I guess that's what it always was anyway. aaayolo.

Moving away from Philly has been really hard. I didn't leave Philadelphia because I hated it. I wasn't pushed out because I was uncomfortable. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because I had to. I had to for myself.

I am a really selfless person. I am comfortable saying that because other people have told me it's true. I was in AmeriCorps for 3 years... Yes I was finding myself but I also feel in love with helping other people. I am not boosting or trying to brag. I am by no means a martyr but I am an empath and I deeply care about other people. In fact sometimes, a lot of the time, I take on other people's problems. This can definitely get in the way of my own life and sacrifice my own happiness.

Leaving Philadelphia was a selfish thing I did for me. Sometimes it's important to be selfish. You have to put yourself first once in a while-- I actually have to constantly be reminded of this.

Self-care is really important. It's hard not to take home the work struggles I encounter. In all lines of work you should really be taking care of yourself to not burn out, but especially working with at-risk youth. On top of it I work a lot of 9+ hour days and when I come home I have to take care of me. Oh and I have two jobs. One full time and one part time.

I have really been struggling with this. Moving from Greeley to Denver has been tough with the change of pace, but moving from Pennsylvania to Colorado has been a lot to deal with this past year. It's  made me question a lot of things.

Life has still continued to turn in Philly, surprisingly enough... Life continues on whether I am there or not. I have had to deal with a lot of shit happening home while I have been miles away.

And of course the grass is always greener on the other side...

Right now I wish I was in Philly but if I was there I probably would not be happy.

I left Philadelphia because I saw people never leave. I couldn't talk shit on people spending their whole existence in Philly when I was doing the same thing... So I left.

I took a leap. I pulled the trigger. I actually did it. And you know what? I don't know when I will be back.

It took me over 20 years to fit in in Philly. It took me less than 10 months to find a life in Colorado.

I go home almost once a month now and it's really hard. It's like constantly getting back together with an ex. I see all the good things and not the bad. I start to romanticize. The reality of the situation is I would not be happy or satisfied there. It's not my city anymore. It will always be home but I don't belong there right now.  Taking a risk sometimes involves feeling things you don't anticipate. Part of experiencing life is living and feeling all of it. Pain included.

It's really hard to say I don't know when I'll be back because there are people I love in that city. I wish I could transport them here. The fact is I am here and they are there. That is the now.

I get why people don't leave though. It's comfortable being comfortable and it's easy to feel content. Maybe it's my constant alcoholic need for chaos that has kept me searching for the next big thing. But I could see how you could be happy with being happy. I do envy that sometimes. I however, need to be constantly challenged and pushed to grow. So for me that meant leaving Philly.

My entire life I went back and forth between two house holds. My parents were divorced since I was two years old and whenever I would fully feel at home somewhere I would be told it was time to go to my other house. Fitting in has always been really difficult because I have never fully felt like I belonged.

The first time I felt like I actually belonged somewhere was summer camp. It was the most consistent and unabridged place that felt like home. It was my happy place and I ruined it by getting kicked out for drinking= first true depression; enter Burlington, VT.

Burlington, VT felt more like home than camp even did. I was ripped away from Burlington due to my drinking. Welcome my sobriety date of March 20th 2012. Losing Burlington was one of the hardest losses I have experienced in my life because I lost my sense of belonging. I've never felt so misplaced. There comes a point when you just need to stop losing everything. Saying the words "rock bottom" is completely different than feeling like you've actually lost and ruined everything. Literally everything. And for me that meant the home I was always searching for.

So when I moved back to Philly and I got a "new way of life" I made it my own. But because of my weighted history of fucking hating Philadelphia it was like a lover I never fully let into my life.

So I left...
My version of not staying in Philadelphia and your reasoning for never leaving are probably very different. And you know what, I know a ton of people who never left Burlington and it's the same situation. Although losing that "home" was such an incredibly trying experience, I am grateful I did not get stuck there and become resentful and bitter.

Right now I fucking hate not being in Philadelphia. I want so badly to be in two places at once moving with both spinning parts. Not coming and going while one goes on and so does the other.

I said in my last post I have never been in love and that's really not true because I have friends I love so much and wish I could be with all the time. So maybe I have experienced love on another level that some people will never understand.

For me friendships aren't going out, partying, taking pictures... It's being honest and telling the truth. If I am mean to you I probably really fucking care about you. Honesty is the foundation to any relationship.

I just sometimes look at my life and say WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.... LIKE CONSTANTLY. 

I don't think I am the center of any universe except my own. And I really need to stop making other peoples problems burdens on my own life. I need to learn to just fucking let go. I just wish I could freeze time and be everywhere I want to be at once. However, all I can do is take care of myself, try and lend a helping hand to others, and hope they do what's best.

I love the life I live and am so happy. I just miss my friends and family that I love so much. I am so grateful to have a support system like I do.

Sometimes I miss the value of gratuity but I can truly say, even though I am super emotional and moody right now, I am so incredibly #blessed for the people that are in my life. I am the luckiest girl to have the people I do.

Also you want to talk about whiny-- I have been listening to Sarah McLaughlin this whole blog post so add that as your background soundtrack.

But I recommend you listen to this instead

Onwards and upwards we go Yabbers...<3 nbsp="" p="">

So Long Early 20s....

I started writing this blog, FuckYab, because when I entered into my 20s I realized life was shaping up to be well...actual life. I had gotten to the hard stuff.

I remember when life was something totally different from what it is now. I was full of innocence in every capacity. I remember my first day of college, which was my 19th birthday, the last year of being a teenager, and I remember thinking that, now,  I was finally living- I was on my own. I entered a new town (a new state even). Every single person I met, with the exception of Rita, was someone brand new and unlike anyone I had met before. I found people that would, and will, define my life and have helped me to figure out what life is. 

When I turned 20, I was living at home. I cried. I think that was the first birthday I really cried. I didn't even know what I was crying about. That summer had been spent recuperating. I had been hospitalized in early June and I was getting better, but I didn't know what I was getting better from. 

My 21st birthday was complete insanity. I party hopped to birthday parties for myself. Which is pretty much how the rest of that year went. Up until March 20, 2012- the day I got, and continue to stay, sober. 

I also cried.

My first day of classes at Temple university was also my 22nd birthday. I didn't really tell anyone it was my birthday and I didn't really do much. 

I don't know about Taylor Swift... But 22 didn't mean very much- but I didn't cry.

By 23, I was feeling sober and alive. I had an amazing summer leading up to 23. I did fun things and I really felt that I was able to have a life again and live like a human being. *Side note: One thing they don't tell you right away, when you get sober, is that you're pressing a restart button and everything is going to change...* 

Then my world got rocked when I didn't... do school, and almost failed out. If not for that failure I never would have gotten involved in service and found out what it means to truly give back, and my life would not be what it is today. Now, service is my life. 

I think I cried, but not enough to remember. 

On my 24th birthday, I was sent flowers from a boy for the second time in my life and they were beautiful. I had a birthday dinner with really good friends and it was sober and a lot of fun. I loved every minute of my 24th birthday. But my 24th year on earth was, at times, like living in hell. It was possibly the hardest year of my life to date. minus year 21.

21 definitely wasn't the hardest year of my life. It was probably just the most ups and downs I've ever experienced, in the shortest amount of time. 24- definitely the toughest shit I have ever had to endure. 

It's amazing how things can transform in one year. One day of the year you could feel like the world is ending and nothing will save you and a year later, you could have so much purpose it brings you to tears.

Now, as I leave early 20s and enter mid-late 20s, I'm feeling reflective of 20s past (as you can tell...). And it's funny because I actually have never written a birthday blog post!? I guess I just tried to Keep Calm and Pretend it's not Happening. 

They never warned us about these years. 

Yet if you ask anyone who has been through them, or who is in the thick of it- they will tell you it is the most difficult time of your life. 

Shit happens and things get real. Like realer than you ever imagined.

I don't regret anything that has happened to me or that I have had to experience. I am who I am today because of everything that has come my way. 

As they say, every success is built on a shit ton of failure. 

And I've failed. Oh boy, oh boy, have I failed. But I have learned and I have grown. 

and I will continue to learn from the things that come my way because I'm starting to learn these aren't just crazy things that are happening... this is life. Life is hard, confusing and comes at you fast, 

especially in your 20s. 

Now that I know all that I know, I am so curious to see what is in store for the next five years of my life. 

Before I thought I knew everything, now I have realized I don't know shit. 

With that knowledge I welcome 25 and the lessons I have to learn. 

I think for a long time I was fighting to get to adulthood and now I'm fighting actual adulthood. When I was little I wanted things to happen faster, I felt so young and like life was so far ahead of me. I just wanted to be apart of the scene and hang with the older kids. 

Now I am an older kid. I don't feel like I'm trying to be an adult anymore. I feel like it's just my mind set. Like I am no longer and child. AAAAAAnd of course the grass is always greener on the other side... 

So now I'm like wait wait kids I swear I'm cool! LIKE ME! BE MY FRIENDDDD

But if there are any young girls, or boys, out there reading this please live in the present of your youth. Don't try to act older. Just enjoy your life, every minute of it as it comes and goes. Be young and dumb and be ok with that. 

But, it's not like I am a senior citizen... In the eyes of many people I am still very, very young. So I will take that. 

I've heard that this is great year, being 25. 

So, I'm excited. I am excited for the beginning of my mid-late 20s. 

I feel something in the air. It's kinda like when I first went to Burlington, and I knew everything was right ahead of me on the road I was about to step on. 

I am ready for my next journey. I welcome whatever the fuck life has to throw at me. 

*knock on wood*

"Happy Birthday to me, world," said yab. "And let them eat cupcakes."

At 25, I cried...tears of joy. 

Gab's Oh So Bad Terrible Day

Today is the start of the last week of the summer, which always makes me feel weird.

The beginning of summer is so exciting, the end most people hate...

But, I am not a child anymore... And the end of summer this year, marks that everyone else will be back to work, just like I have been all summer. So, no complaints there.
I am sad that I can't really go to the beach anymore and that it will get cold.
But like... TBH I like the cold and sweaters.

I am not sad to see this summer go. It has been sweet. Like a sugar cookie sweet. Nothing really special, but sweet.

But driving with your two best friends in all black to Virginia for a funeral for your other best friend, is not really a summer to be highlighted in tan skin and innocence.

Today started out great and turned into terrible.

It was an easy Sunday, it started out perfect. Early morning walk, coffee with my roomie and dog. Hung out with my family and got to spend some very good quality time with my brother and sister.

But then I got hit by a bullet basically halfway through the day. A cannon of emotion.

I have been spending the weekend with my dog Bevin, who is my life. As I look at her now I could not describe a more perfect, loyal, sweet animal. She, more than anything else on this planet, my everything. She is like my child but at the same time is an old lady. A very old lady.
And as I write this I am tearing up because she looks different. She looks like I might be losing her.
And she has done this to me before! She's made me think she was on her last leg and she wasn't. So I can't tell if she's tricking me or if she is as frail as she appears.
But I can't lose her.
And I know people don't leave until they are suppose to but I can't. It will be too much. The tipping point on my rocked ship.

I just can't.

I cried all night long holding her. Praying that she doesn't leave soon. Losing Jasper and Sam has been hard enough.

A day does not go by that I do not think about Sam and her family. It's still hard to think that the world is moving and she is not. I pray for her mother every night.
They say that when a young soul passes they come right back to earth. I know Sam is here. I see her and feel her everywhere. I don't search for meaning in her death because I know she is now safe and no longer suffering. But than to think she's not here and progressing with life and living is really fucking hard.

I have break downs here and there.
Earlier I was saying to my mom, "Why are these bad things happening?" She said, "Gab, they are sad. Not bad, sad."

Now as I write about the end of all these things it does feel that summer is over. I feel that closing and Fall creeping in. And it's so hard to not feel sad.

It's my birthday week, did you know? Which has always been weird, but like could there be a more perfect end to summer than the celebration of me?
No.

I have to take a second and thank God for the people in my life. Tonight I was held in loving arms and told how strong I am by people who know me best. I am happy I have people who I can get snot on their shirts and others I can call at any hour, day or night.

I wish a bad day was scraping your knee and having a boo boo. That's not life anymore.
As I was crying on the phone talking to my mom I was looking in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself.
I am an adult.

I am not the girl who started this blog. With long brown hair and lost eyes.
I am now a woman, and I think I have been for a long time.

I don't understand how life works but I am doing the best I can. All things considered I am doing a pretty good. I have career goals, a job I love and I am working very hard at it.
I am sober and grateful and it has made me into the most perfect version of myself.

But I have been ugly crying all night.

me to a T, bipolar and all. 

I have been working so fucking much. And you know what? That's life. People bust their ass every goddamn day. It's just fascinating to me that this is who I am now. I am someone who doesn't really stop.
Whereas a couple of years ago I had a very difficult struggle with getting out of bed.
It's a good change, but balance is lacking.
I am stressing myself, and everyone around me the fuck out.
I am constantly on edge trying to prepare for the next catastrophe that will bring hell upon my life.

One thing I have done a very good job at is getting rid of toxic and horrible people from my life. I have realized that life is short. I do not need to waste energy on people who don't care about my well being or have the same priorities I do.

Every now and then we need to recalibrate. I am beginning that now. I am going to bring balance back into my life and take a break when I need to.
Because I can't keep holding it in and exploding.
My eyes and face hurt from crying. Time to ask for help.
And you know what? My eye lashes are permed so my crying... isn't actually that ugly. #treatyoself

Breathe

Stretch


Shake


Let it go

Welcome to Mid 20s. 

Feeling Almost 25.

Sitting on a bus to New York, reading just kids, listening to the classic Led Zeppelin II, in my overalls and red hot chili peppers shirt, from my youthful days of concerts with parents, where the smell of weed was something of curiosity rather than familiarity. It is times like this when I really know who I am. This is me and I am so happy with who I am. 

Recently, I've heard it said that, "these are the best times of your life." [your 20s]
We've heard this throughout our lives. High school is suppose to be exciting, then college is anxiously awaited. But I was never really told about my 20s....
If you had told me that my 20s were going to be the time of my life two years ago... I probably would have cried hysterically because of how miserable I was, but now... I do feel like it.

College was the beginning of the best years of my life.  It was an eye opening time. A time to learn about life, to be young and dumb and try and begin to figure myself out.

side note- high school... No. Nope, definitely not the best years of my life. Closet depression was in full swing and although I appeared to the public very happy I most definitely was not. Nothing in life made any sense. 

"If I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself." Yup. Well said Floyd. 

My early twenties were a mismatch of good times and terrible, terrible bad times. And although my experience is unique, I feel this happens to all of us. We have our early twenties crisis. For some people it happens earlier and others later. Luckily for me it happened pretty early.  

I went through the what the fuck period. What the fuck is my twenties ? What the fuck am I doing with my life ? What the fuck is life ?

I pondered all of this and I figured some shit out. Mostly I figured out... this is it baby! This is the time to live life. I am totally an adult. I can drive to New York at 10pm at night from New Jersey and not tell my mother. Which, of course, I could do at a younger age but now it's like I have full responsibility for my life and my actions. I go to jail, I deal with it. My parents still pay for a few things here and there and I'm super greatful- which is something else I've figured out too- be grateful- but ultimately I'm making my own decisions. 

And I'm not really lost anymore. 

Which is pretty fucking cool to say.
I don't know the future, contrary to my own previous beliefs, I'm not psychic-although I do have good intuition. I know what I want. I know who I am and who I want to be. 

And goddamn, it this is the time! Like early twenties sucked but 25-29 is gonna be bitching! I'm dating men, I can tell a man from a boy. I'm traveling. I'm working towards my career. I know my city like the back of my hand and I know where my next city will be. 

I don't know about you Taylor swift... but I'm feeling almost 25. 

And just for a minute I want to touch on something to all my ladies- stop spending this time searching for a husband, if that is what you are doing, Stop doing THAT! f you happened to have stumbled upon on that is so great and I am so happy for you, but what I'm trying to say is capitalize on this time. Be present in the moment and don't get ahead of yourself, not right now. 

One day (if what you want is to be married) that will happen and you will be changing diapers and you will be wanting to murder your significant other and you will be thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO MY YOUTH?! And you will look in the mirror and be like I'm so old!! WAH. 

Put yourself in that right now.

Picture yourself ten years from now.

30something...

Wishing you were 20something ... 

Now come back to reality.
You are here now. Make the most of your life and you're time YOUNG AND FREE. 

I'm not saying don't fall in love or hide from love, absolutely love! That is part of life... But stop worrying about what is suppose to be and JUST BE. 

And to all of those mommies and daddies out there, cherish your time with your littles as much as you can because they are the young ones and before you know it they will be large and definitely in charger so squish them and keep them young, but please don't spoil them... Too much. 

So, yabbers, enjoy life today. For it is a gift that is why we call it the present.

Dealing With Crazy.

Sometimes, life gets crazy.
And then it gets crazier.
And then when you think you're at the maximum capacity, it gets just a little bit more insane.

If I were have gone to a psychic, this time last year and she told me, verbatim, how this year was going to go I would have laughed and shit my pants at the same time. There was no way to predict how the past 12 months have gone.

I have thought that the past year has been crazy, but the past few weeks have been a concentrated nuttiness.

I've had a lot of people yell at me, I've yelled at a lot of people, I've had dumb things happen and I've done dumb things. I've had some realizations and I've been reprioritizing my life.

And then the worst thing happened... my dog died.

I've been fearing losing one of my boxers for a little while now and it happen, as I suspected, at a horrible time very unexpectedly.

My puppy Jasper was only 6 years old, when he passed away this week. He was having trouble walking the week earlier and when my mom took him to the doctor, they thought it was something wrong with his hips and legs. Throughout the week he got progressively worse and by the weekend he couldn't walk at all so we took him to the doggie ER.
I am very thankful I happened to be home this weekend when we took him to the hospital. I haven't been home in a couple of weeks, which I am sad about because I didn't get to see him a whole lot in the past month, but by the grace of God, I was there to help take him to the ER and be there for my mom who has been there all day.

The ode to Jasper is soon to come.

* Let me just say right now, this post has been sitting in my drafts. I have been waiting until I have a chance to sit down and write to finish it but I have been brainstorming in my head. At one point I was going to write about rainbows...

After certain storms, there are rainbows. A silver lining. And things get better. That is what I thought until now...

Let me also say this, I have the worst luck. Please restrain me if I ever tell you I am going to a casino because I will lose it all on a glitter cat slot machine. I have shit for luck.

Things aren't getting better. But maybe, alas I say it again, MAYBE ITS LIFE.  As we get older our problems get more insane and serious then they did when we were five and got upset about taking a turn on the swings.

But you see the thing with me, is I create a lot of problems. Not on purpose, I don't go out and say, "yes. Today I will make sure is total Mayhem."
But I don't avoid trouble.

I am an alcoholic and I want chaos. It stimulates me. If I see trouble I go towards it. And as an alcoholic in recovery, I know there is a solution.  I know there are things I can do to get rid of that turmoil. But currently, I am not taking steps in that direction. I am heading towards trouble too much.

I'm scared. Im scared of a life of content. I'm scared because it is unknown to me. Crazy is what I know and what I'm good at.
But I'm also ready. And I have begun to do what I need to do to head towards a positive direction. Less crazy.

I still need to keep working and striving for this but even just having the realization that things are not just happening to me but I am causing them to happen is helpful. And luckily I am not trying to get sober. I have not had a relapse or drank. I do need more sober things in my life however.

I need to stop going out to where the party is constantly and worry less about them and more about me.

I wrote before how I find good people. I have good energy and I am not afraid of that.

Good things are on the horizon. I know it.
My best friend is about to have a baby. If that is not a miracle I don't know what is.

At this point it's about managing crazy. I am at a point in my life where crazy things will continue to happen, growing up is crazy. But I have tools to stay calm.

My initial response to chaos is panic because I am constantly in a state of panic and when shit hits the fan I get to go full pyscho. But I can't do that anymore.

And just like I couldn't predict this year, I can't predict what's coming next. I don't know if life will calm down, or get more intense. I'm thinking the ladder. I still have so much living to do. I have no crystal ball reader to tell me what to prepare for.

But I do have crystals that I have acquired this year, literally and figuratively.

I've started to find out that life is less about figuring out what's it all about and more about action. Yes, you can get to the root of problems but if you just sit and stew on them you get no where. Life is about one foot in front of the other. There are trips, stumbles and falls along the way. But you can't quit every time you fall. In fact you can't quit at all. And you certainly can't stand still because, you won't get anywhere.