So Long Early 20s....

I started writing this blog, FuckYab, because when I entered into my 20s I realized life was shaping up to be well...actual life. I had gotten to the hard stuff.

I remember when life was something totally different from what it is now. I was full of innocence in every capacity. I remember my first day of college, which was my 19th birthday, the last year of being a teenager, and I remember thinking that, now,  I was finally living- I was on my own. I entered a new town (a new state even). Every single person I met, with the exception of Rita, was someone brand new and unlike anyone I had met before. I found people that would, and will, define my life and have helped me to figure out what life is. 

When I turned 20, I was living at home. I cried. I think that was the first birthday I really cried. I didn't even know what I was crying about. That summer had been spent recuperating. I had been hospitalized in early June and I was getting better, but I didn't know what I was getting better from. 

My 21st birthday was complete insanity. I party hopped to birthday parties for myself. Which is pretty much how the rest of that year went. Up until March 20, 2012- the day I got, and continue to stay, sober. 

I also cried.

My first day of classes at Temple university was also my 22nd birthday. I didn't really tell anyone it was my birthday and I didn't really do much. 

I don't know about Taylor Swift... But 22 didn't mean very much- but I didn't cry.

By 23, I was feeling sober and alive. I had an amazing summer leading up to 23. I did fun things and I really felt that I was able to have a life again and live like a human being. *Side note: One thing they don't tell you right away, when you get sober, is that you're pressing a restart button and everything is going to change...* 

Then my world got rocked when I didn't... do school, and almost failed out. If not for that failure I never would have gotten involved in service and found out what it means to truly give back, and my life would not be what it is today. Now, service is my life. 

I think I cried, but not enough to remember. 

On my 24th birthday, I was sent flowers from a boy for the second time in my life and they were beautiful. I had a birthday dinner with really good friends and it was sober and a lot of fun. I loved every minute of my 24th birthday. But my 24th year on earth was, at times, like living in hell. It was possibly the hardest year of my life to date. minus year 21.

21 definitely wasn't the hardest year of my life. It was probably just the most ups and downs I've ever experienced, in the shortest amount of time. 24- definitely the toughest shit I have ever had to endure. 

It's amazing how things can transform in one year. One day of the year you could feel like the world is ending and nothing will save you and a year later, you could have so much purpose it brings you to tears.

Now, as I leave early 20s and enter mid-late 20s, I'm feeling reflective of 20s past (as you can tell...). And it's funny because I actually have never written a birthday blog post!? I guess I just tried to Keep Calm and Pretend it's not Happening. 

They never warned us about these years. 

Yet if you ask anyone who has been through them, or who is in the thick of it- they will tell you it is the most difficult time of your life. 

Shit happens and things get real. Like realer than you ever imagined.

I don't regret anything that has happened to me or that I have had to experience. I am who I am today because of everything that has come my way. 

As they say, every success is built on a shit ton of failure. 

And I've failed. Oh boy, oh boy, have I failed. But I have learned and I have grown. 

and I will continue to learn from the things that come my way because I'm starting to learn these aren't just crazy things that are happening... this is life. Life is hard, confusing and comes at you fast, 

especially in your 20s. 

Now that I know all that I know, I am so curious to see what is in store for the next five years of my life. 

Before I thought I knew everything, now I have realized I don't know shit. 

With that knowledge I welcome 25 and the lessons I have to learn. 

I think for a long time I was fighting to get to adulthood and now I'm fighting actual adulthood. When I was little I wanted things to happen faster, I felt so young and like life was so far ahead of me. I just wanted to be apart of the scene and hang with the older kids. 

Now I am an older kid. I don't feel like I'm trying to be an adult anymore. I feel like it's just my mind set. Like I am no longer and child. AAAAAAnd of course the grass is always greener on the other side... 

So now I'm like wait wait kids I swear I'm cool! LIKE ME! BE MY FRIENDDDD

But if there are any young girls, or boys, out there reading this please live in the present of your youth. Don't try to act older. Just enjoy your life, every minute of it as it comes and goes. Be young and dumb and be ok with that. 

But, it's not like I am a senior citizen... In the eyes of many people I am still very, very young. So I will take that. 

I've heard that this is great year, being 25. 

So, I'm excited. I am excited for the beginning of my mid-late 20s. 

I feel something in the air. It's kinda like when I first went to Burlington, and I knew everything was right ahead of me on the road I was about to step on. 

I am ready for my next journey. I welcome whatever the fuck life has to throw at me. 

*knock on wood*

"Happy Birthday to me, world," said yab. "And let them eat cupcakes."

At 25, I cried...tears of joy. 

Feeling Almost 25.

Sitting on a bus to New York, reading just kids, listening to the classic Led Zeppelin II, in my overalls and red hot chili peppers shirt, from my youthful days of concerts with parents, where the smell of weed was something of curiosity rather than familiarity. It is times like this when I really know who I am. This is me and I am so happy with who I am. 

Recently, I've heard it said that, "these are the best times of your life." [your 20s]
We've heard this throughout our lives. High school is suppose to be exciting, then college is anxiously awaited. But I was never really told about my 20s....
If you had told me that my 20s were going to be the time of my life two years ago... I probably would have cried hysterically because of how miserable I was, but now... I do feel like it.

College was the beginning of the best years of my life.  It was an eye opening time. A time to learn about life, to be young and dumb and try and begin to figure myself out.

side note- high school... No. Nope, definitely not the best years of my life. Closet depression was in full swing and although I appeared to the public very happy I most definitely was not. Nothing in life made any sense. 

"If I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself." Yup. Well said Floyd. 

My early twenties were a mismatch of good times and terrible, terrible bad times. And although my experience is unique, I feel this happens to all of us. We have our early twenties crisis. For some people it happens earlier and others later. Luckily for me it happened pretty early.  

I went through the what the fuck period. What the fuck is my twenties ? What the fuck am I doing with my life ? What the fuck is life ?

I pondered all of this and I figured some shit out. Mostly I figured out... this is it baby! This is the time to live life. I am totally an adult. I can drive to New York at 10pm at night from New Jersey and not tell my mother. Which, of course, I could do at a younger age but now it's like I have full responsibility for my life and my actions. I go to jail, I deal with it. My parents still pay for a few things here and there and I'm super greatful- which is something else I've figured out too- be grateful- but ultimately I'm making my own decisions. 

And I'm not really lost anymore. 

Which is pretty fucking cool to say.
I don't know the future, contrary to my own previous beliefs, I'm not psychic-although I do have good intuition. I know what I want. I know who I am and who I want to be. 

And goddamn, it this is the time! Like early twenties sucked but 25-29 is gonna be bitching! I'm dating men, I can tell a man from a boy. I'm traveling. I'm working towards my career. I know my city like the back of my hand and I know where my next city will be. 

I don't know about you Taylor swift... but I'm feeling almost 25. 

And just for a minute I want to touch on something to all my ladies- stop spending this time searching for a husband, if that is what you are doing, Stop doing THAT! f you happened to have stumbled upon on that is so great and I am so happy for you, but what I'm trying to say is capitalize on this time. Be present in the moment and don't get ahead of yourself, not right now. 

One day (if what you want is to be married) that will happen and you will be changing diapers and you will be wanting to murder your significant other and you will be thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO MY YOUTH?! And you will look in the mirror and be like I'm so old!! WAH. 

Put yourself in that right now.

Picture yourself ten years from now.

30something...

Wishing you were 20something ... 

Now come back to reality.
You are here now. Make the most of your life and you're time YOUNG AND FREE. 

I'm not saying don't fall in love or hide from love, absolutely love! That is part of life... But stop worrying about what is suppose to be and JUST BE. 

And to all of those mommies and daddies out there, cherish your time with your littles as much as you can because they are the young ones and before you know it they will be large and definitely in charger so squish them and keep them young, but please don't spoil them... Too much. 

So, yabbers, enjoy life today. For it is a gift that is why we call it the present.

Sometimes I Hide in my Shower.

I hope you're ready cause Yab is about to turn the heat up in the kitchen.
I have my period and I fucked up my birth control, so the PMS bitch is amplified x1000.

So, uh... LET'S GET CRACKING SHALL WE?!

I am angry. I am pissed off. I am tired. And I am annoyed as all fucking hell.

At this point in the night however, I have calmed down. So I begin...

Just Kidding, what do you think this is cinder-fucking-ella? No, Yaberiella. UHDUH. 

One quality I feel I have is being a good friend. It's something I have has always posesssed and it may be one of my most redeeming qualities (if I do say so myself). It has brought incredible people into my life. I feel what you give out to the universe, you get back.

I have always had good friends. And I try to be there for people. As much as possible. I feel that is the most important thing for a friendship. Being there. Whether it's on the phone, or showing up.

(I must also *note, I am watching the HBO doc on scientology, so I apologize if this starts to get weird)

But sometimes, Karma doesn't always work in your favor. I've had friends who have turned into frenmies too many times. At this point in my life, I don't do that anymore. I just don't put up with bullshit.
I'm 24. If you want to be my friend, wonderful, I'll gladly accept! If not, goodbye.

And being a friend to me isn't just shooting the shit, it's getting down to the nitty gritty and like I said being there. Supporting each other. If that goes away and fades, buhbye. I honestly have a lot of friends and I don't want frenimes.

Maybe, this is why me and my ex didn't work out. It was pretty physical and the support was seriously lacking. He wasn't there for me. So, I said, "buhbye."

But I will say, the one thing I hate about break ups is losing a person from your life. I like people. I like friends, I hate losing friends, even if that's what has to happen. I've never really kept in contact with someone after a break up. I think it's easier that way, but that's the only way I know.

I had like a really nice weekend and a really rough weekend squished into one.
Like I said, PMS monster is out, so I just don't really feel good.

My mother is probably the only person that knows what I mean, when I call her up and say, "I don't feel good."
The sound of my voice gives away if it's mental or physical.
When I was really, really depressed a couple years back I would have some very bad days.
 And all I would need to say to my mom is, "I don't feel good." And she knew what I meant.

I still have some I-dont-feel-good-days, as we all do.

Today was one of those days. I worked very closely with a student, that I'm barely equipted to handle, I want to drown myself in chocolate, I'm tired and I just don't feel good.

And this makes me feel better because it also is something only me and my mom understand:

These days, one thing that does calm me down, is water.
I don't have... an exactly clean shower, but I find myself sitting in it a lot. When things get too much for me, I sit in my shower and watch the water. Is that weird? I don't care. I don't cry. I don't mope. I just let the water hit me and forget about everything. There is something about water that has always set me free. When I was a kid, and still to this day, I can stay in the ocean for an entire day and not get tired of it. I love water and it calms and chills me the fuck out.

Some of this, 

...some of this. 

Today I sat in my shower while listening to olds school BS.
Such as:

and 

yup. Again, the period-ness.

I know what calms me. And that's what it is, 

water and BS. 

I would really, really like a rainy day. An excuse to post up in my bedroom and not leave. 

I love that it's getting sunny but I also want a day to not feel bad about posting up hard. 

I don't really think this blog was about anything particular, and I can into with more gusto than I came out. But hey, as long as you're not involved in Scientology, everyone is a winner here. 

I started off writing this in a very bad mood, but after eating some wonderfully done chicken, by chef Latona Jr., I am feeling less of a monster. Oh and there was also B&J involved, with a cookie core. If you don't know what I mean by that get with the mother fucking program (*hint: ben and jerrys).

It's baffling and amazing to me what writing does for me. It's not a way to always get a point across, or make total sense and prove the world wrong. But it's just a way to calm my thoughts and make sense of myself. I could compare it to my serenity with water if I was more clever... But it's way past my bed time and I can't. 

Post-Valentines

I feel I have to do an obligatory valentines post... 

Yab is notorious for valentines posts. Angry, sad, always funny, posts. 

I had posts-of-valentines-past haunt me via timehop for the past month such as Why I Hate Valentines Day and of course Fuck Valentines Day.

This year however, I was not a bitter bitch. I felt very hopeful, and well, lovey! 

Someone at work reminded me of when we were all in grade school and you gave out valentines to literally everyone in the class. We all came home with a bag of candy, cards and we were all in this shit together. Literally everyone had a valentine and we all had each other. 

I felt more that way this year than I ever have since 5th grade. 

I have friends in relationships, single friend and my family that all equated to my valentines. 

My posts-of-valentines-past were always happening days before the event, leading up to it and then finally an angry Yab on the day of. This year it is a simple.recount. 

I think this is blatant proof of my progress to date. 

This weekend was awesome. 

Absolutely the best valentines day yet. Friday I went dancing with some of my favorite people, and I hadn't been out with them in forever. I got up saturday morning had coffee with an awesome new friend, got to walk dogs with my neighbor, the got my hair cut and lookin on fleek, and finally had sushi and rented movies with my brother. Glorious. 

It was a great day in general and a fabulous valentines day. 

I also got outside of myself, this holiday, for the first time ever. I have always made this holiday about me. About my misery and how I am single... because I always have been. But Valentines day is one of my favorite people's sober anniversary, and this year she had six years!! That is amazing, and I am so happy/proud of her. 

Sunday I helped to celebrate her and our other friend who just had two years, with arcade games, unicorns and vagina cakes.

 

With so much to celebrate, from love to sobriety, I don't know I even could have been miserable. 

I am so grateful to be able to post a blog post like this and keep the posts-of-valentines-past in the past. 

To anyone that had a horrible valentines day, it is now in it the past. Keep pushing forward. It's just a day and you can move forward. Remember you are never truly alone. Someone loves you, and if it is no one else, it is most definitely me! 

Bitch, I Feel Fan-fucking-tastic

Today was great. Like really good. Like fan-fucking-tastic.

And you have to appreciate those days.

I forgot, for a little while, how to live life. How to slow things down... and as cliche as it is... take it one step at a time. Life is about putting one foot in front of the other. Don't stress too much or you will get a fucking ulcer... or in my case, break down crying to your mother in a hypochondriac fit that you have an ulcer and you're dying when you are, obviously, not...
Good times...

But today was fan-fucking-tastic.

These past two days have been aimed at rejuvenation. For work we've had this mid-year/mid-way training session to help us get through the rest of our year of service. Our sessions have been a little tedious and at times a little pointless but I think I got the gist down pretty well, and I really do feel like taking back my mission by storm.

We also had a battle where every school had a team, that came up with a cheer and there was a competition best cheer. I was on our team... We did not win... BUT we got laughs, which is always the goal. They were not, I REPEAT- NOT, ready for us.


I think I may be doing so well, and feeling so good, right now because I have thrown myself back into my program of recovery. I have been taking care of myself and pushing myself to do better. I don't have to get everything done in a day but if I do a little bit, then a little bit more, eventually I have done a lot.

I am attaining goals and setting new ones.

I also have put the right people into my life. The statement, "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," is really true.  As Yab always says FUCK THE HATERS.
I have to much love in my heart to let bad people make me react in bad ways.

I think after a break up you have a serious mourning period, and if you really mourn the shit out of it, you can move the fuck on. Forward, onward, and upward.

I have begun to move the fuck on. And I see doors opening up every which way. And... it's fan-fucking-tastic. 

I am one to quite frequently say, "sorry, I am not sorry." And I have never recanted a statement that I have made on this blog. But something has really been bothering me and I want to address it.
In my last blog post I said that I was not born from a great love. I want to clarify: I was not born from a place of ill will or hate. 

It is just hard for me to wrap my head around my parents as a couple. All I have ever known is them apart and as separate entities. But I believe there was this period ~somewhere in some space of time~ that they really truly loved each other. I have seen proof of it in pictures and in writings. I know it existed at sometime but I never experienced it.

This bitch was a mess. 

Now, my parents don't speak to each other- which is actually my doing. In my period of using I put everyones lives, not just my own, into a state of chaos... multiple times. During all of this my parents had different views on how to handle the situation. It's a serious matter. How do you deal with your child when they are trying so desperately to ruin their own life? There were different opinions, and they were strong opinions. So now they keep their distance.

Although I am cursed as a child of divorce, I am blessed with two incredible families that I would not trade for the world.

On really good days it is important to be grateful. Gratitude, in my opinion, is the corner stone of life.

So when you have a good day, just thank the universe. Because chances are Neptune and Venus had something to do with it.  (check it)

Tomorrow might be hell, but today... today was good. 

Just a quick PSA For Bitches Who Think They're the Shit.

I don't like it when people aren't nice to my friends. It's not even that I don't like it, it's that I simply won't stand for it.

I set the bar high in all aspects of life. I am selective in the people I choose to be my friends.
The criteria is not superficial, it is based on integrity.
It takes me a little while to warm up to people, it's like a process.
First I meet someone. Then I decide in my head if they are a good human, this can take an allotted amount of time, from a week to possibly a year depending on the human.
Once there is a mutual agreement of good friendship, I then love them. And true love lasts a lifetime. This undertaking can vary.
Sometimes the attraction is quick and the love long lasting. On occasion a friendship is short lived, then we both move on. This doesn't mean the love wasn't real. People come in and out of your life for a reason. However, I believe true love does not fade. Real friendships are rooted in deep love, trust and care.

Girlfriends

*My friends*

Life is about love. 

But I digress.

I am not one to talk behind people's back, especially at this point in my life.
 More over and most importantly, I do not stab the people I care about in the back, with words or actions.

I really do not stand for people who I like to talk about the other people that I like behind their backs. It is simply unacceptable. 

wtf.

Things happen, people fight, I understand that. But when you go out of your way to make my friend, or friends, feel bad I will not tolerate it. 

I've always said. I am not always nice but I am never mean. If you're going to be mean, you can simply, go fuck yourself.
I don't really care what people think about me.. if you haven't noticed... and there is only a few select bunch who I care about what they think of my actions.

To sum up what I am trying to get across and put it simply, all of you, well, bitches, *note not betches* who think you are fucking cute and everyone likes you... and you think your shit don't stink...and you think you can say whatever you want about whoever you want... just be warned, to stay out of my way. It's not cute.

Friends, helping friends, help friends.