How I Stayed Sober For 6 years...

Hi Friends. It's meeeee Gab aka Yab aka your neglective mother. I am SORRY for not writing for so long. It's just like an ordeal for me these days. I have countless drafts that I never publish because I'm too lazy to find pictures and then I just never end up posting it.

One day I'll do archive posts where you can read all my emotional spur of the moment drafts. Plus sometimes I write these heartfelt posts that are so on point with how I'm feeling in that moment and then I take some time and reflect and... I feel differently.

I have come along way since impulse writing and posting about break ups and heartaches.

Today I was in a recovery meeting picking up my six year coin and I mentioned to someone that I had a blog and then I realized wow I haven't been writing in this at all! I was like should I even tell this broad about it because it's so out of date

I didn't write anything for the new year which is usually a huge time of reflection for me and it's a week after my 6 years sober anniversary and I am just sitting down to write. Not ok Gab.

I think what it really is is that my life is going really fucking good right now. I used to use writing as a way to cope with the chaos I was dealing with but things have been so smooth sailing. And I'm almost afraid if I post anything complaining about any aspect everything will blow up. I'm actually in the throws of a functional relationship right now and I'm not even going to tell you anything about it because it's going too well.

It's kinda like treading water right now so that things stay good. Ehhh well maybe not. Maybe this is how normal people just live life, calm and collected.

Have I finally managed to achieve balance!??!?!? No. Maybe. Let's say almost. I guess life is a balancing act that and at this stage I've almost learned to juggle. I'm by no means perfect and there are definite areas that need improvement but this is the best things have been in a while.
However I have some PTSD from the insanity that was the last decade of my life so it does feel a bit like dog paddling. But I know things are going well.

If you were to sit down and read this blog from the beginning you'd go back to when I was still drinking, and you would get to watch me get sober. It's pretty fucking cool for me to have it all in writing.

Sometimes I think maybe it's inappropriate for me to be posting things about the nooks and crannies of my recovery since I am part of an anyonmous program but I think this blog has been a huge vessel for me to share my journey and where my strength comes from.

Going from a drunk to a sober woman of grace you change physically in some ways but you mostly metamorphose from the inside out. It's emotional and it's the way you handle life.

So usually around this time I write about how I've changed and what I'm like now yada yada yada
But right now I want to make  a list of how I have stayed sober over the years, the life hacks if you will.

I have had countless people reach out to me since I got sober about how I did it or just looking for advice. Usually I just give my story, lend my experience and hope they get something out of it but today I am going to tell you how I did it.

How I Stayed Sober For 6 Years: 

I stopped drinking and doing drugs because I was institutionalized. Going to a mental hospital for a month and a half cuts out any possibility of having a drink.

I went to rehab for MONTHS. I was in an intensive outpatient which meant I stayed at home. Group therapy has saved my life. If you've never done it I strongly encourage finding a group. I have been in group therapy since I was 18 and it's amazing. Yeah at first I hated but now I LOVE IT.

I stayed away from men for two years. I had never been on a date before I got sober, I barely had had sober sex, I went to an all catholic girls high school where I lost all social skills with boys. I had no business messing around with guys when I got sober and I honestly stayed the hell away from them.

I got involved in service. Whether it was helping someone else get sober or doing AmeriCorps, service changed and saved my life. And now it is my life. I have found my calling and I am full time dedicated to helping others.

I learned the only persons recovery who matters is mine. Helping other people is important but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And you can't let active alcoholics or addicts dictate your life. You need to stick with the people that want to better you and make the best choices for your recovery always.

You have to always be willing and ready to change. You can't stay stagnate. Being in recovery means you are constantly trying to make yourself a better person and you can't give up on that. You have to move forward and not backwards. Like I say, onwards and upwards yabbers.

I realized just because I got sober didn't mean life got easier. I got handed a set of tools that I learned how to use. The shittest shit ever can happen to you while your sober. But you have a new way of dealing with it that's not so painful.

I saw that this is life and death. The longer you stay sober the more people you will see go back out and die. It makes you realize how important this fight is. Young drunks don't become old drunks, they die. I wanted to live my life I wasn't ready to go.

But I also got sober to live life. So I got sober at 21, everyone was just starting to go to bars and clubs. I wasn't going to miss this party! I didn't get sober to stay in my house all the time. People still ask me how I am around alcohol so much. Well first of all, I have a large family that drinks so it would be hard to escape from completely. Secondly, I'm a loud vivacious person and I need somewhere to expel all my energy and I love to dance.
So I started by going out with sober friends to dance and then I just started to hang out with "normal drinking friends" and going anywhere I want.

If you are in the right spiritual place there is no where you can't be. However, you should make smart choices and it is not ok to drink vicariously through other people. Lesson learned.

I've come in and out of AA the past six years. I've fucking hated it and I've been so in love with it. But I keep coming back because it works for me. Do the work and put in the time. Always go to that meeting you're thinking about going to.

I say yes to anything anyone in AA asks me. Within reason... I don't have to say yes to a date but I do say yes anytime anyone asks me to be of service to another Alcoholic.

Also, I found God. From the moment I decided I was getting sober I started praying because as a good catholic girl that's what I knew how to do. The majority of 20somethings aren't living there life according to "a higher power or God". But I'm not normal. I don't talk to my friend about God all the time but it's just a huge part of my life. It's no one else's business but mine but my belief in a higher power has gotten me through the toughest times sober.

And finally, you don't have to drink over anything, ever. Period. 

That's it. That's how I've come this far. And you know the biggest thing I keep with me is that I'm still learning. People have been like "holy cow! Six years that's incredible!" And like of course it is but I've just done what I was told to do. It's been fucking tough. I will say that but yeah I don't want to die and I don't want to be locked up in a mental institution for the rest of my life. So this is the path I'm on.
And you know what it's fucking cool! Sobriety is a great ride once you're on board.

6 years later and my life is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to see what the next six years have in store.
TA TA! 

The Whirlwind of Life.

The amount of drafts I have sitting in my blogger is pretty exemplative of my life’s current status. 

The past three months have been a whirl wind to say the least and I have had little to no time to get all of my thoughts on to paper. 

The thing is though, it’s more than not being able to write, because I have written. I have had so many fleeting thoughts about everything. I have been waiting to feel concrete about, well, anything.... I will elaborate.

A typical day for me right now is.... Well that is actually difficult because that’s not a real thing for me anymore. Ok, ok, ok I’ll try:

5:30 first alarm, 6:30 I actually wake up

Catch the bus at about 7:05, get to school at around 7:25 

At school from 7:30am- 5pm (or 6pm)

-get emotionally drained from dealing with a class of ill behaved, yet beautiful 7th grade boys (I love and hate them)

Come home between 5:45-6:45pm

- sometimes have things that go until 8, don’t get home until 9pm

Run errands when I get home, between 7-9pm

Eat dinner between 8pm- 10pm

Debrief on the internet or catch up on TV 

And finally drag myself to bed around 11pm-1am 

Wake up, Repeat. 

It’s exhausting. And that’s a typical day. And I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining. 

This is just an example of a Monday.... It’s cool though because the time flies (usually) and so do the days, but they take a toll for sure. For example it’s Wednesday night around 11pm and I started writing this Monday in the afternoon. I seriously do not know where the time goes.. HENCE WHY I HAVE NOT UPDATED MY BLOG IN THREE MONTHS. (Obviously, I apologize)

Let me explain why my thoughts are fleeting: 

My emotions with my students in the Philly public school system is minute to minute. I have a class of seventh grade boys I follow around all day... This would drive anyones emotions into a frenzy. 

I love my boys so much. They are so amazing. I am learning so much about life from them. They see life in such a different way than I do. 

Today the boys in my school played this song and it really effected me,

They rapped along (knowing all the words) with such gusto. It wasn’t even that they just memorized some rap song, like no not at all. They were filled with passion, it’s like they knew what this guy was saying. 

I, of course... The white girl from the suburbs..., had never even heard this song before. But I could feel the passion not only from the song but emulating out of these kids. I asked one of the students why they all liked this song and they said, “because it tells a story.” 

It is baffling to me that these kids, in 7th grade, can relate to something like this so easily. And it honestly pains me. 

On the bus, I drive through the neighborhoods that these kids live in and have grown up in. It’s Northeast Philadelphia. I’ve driven through these areas in the past but I never had a face to anyone that lived in any of these homes. 

I just want to help them as much as possible. I want to show them that jail should never be an option because they are all so much better than that. I want them to get out of where they came from and live up to the potential that they all have. I want soo much for them. It’s honestly overwhelming. I try not to think about it too much because otherwise I start crying. 

But aside from all that seriousness... Sometimes I want to actually kill them. FOR EXAMPLE, Monday... Oh Monday... We had a substitute. -_- I can not. 

They were totally insane. Running a muck to the highest degree. I kicked two students out. At one point I looked over and a student I work with a lot was laying across two chairs... Just laying down.... I lost it. And by loose it I started laughing and couldn’t hold it back. 

I’ve learned, through these past two months, to really take things with a grain of salt and pick and choose your battles. Life is about bigger things then a student laying across two chairs like a monkey... 

So it's like a constant wanting to kill them or want to hug them into oblivion.

Aside from school... 

Shit’s just constantly nuts... If it’s not this it’s that... 

I had to take four personal days because of this... Someone please tell me what my life is...?

There have been so many things unrelated to school since July that I can’t even remember. Roommate shit, friend shit, family shit, shit, shit, and poop- which is shit. 

But like that’s the things it’s all just shit. 

And maybe this is life. My favorite movie, Love Actually, has this line, “There is always going to be a totally shit time.” And maybe that’s just my life for now and the foreseeable future, or maybe it’s just fucking life. 

I am finally alive again. I am out of my Fuck Yab fucking shit hole of rebuilding... I have gone from negative to positive, from Vermont to home to Philadelphia. Aka college and fantasy life to dose of reality to really living a real life. 
It's a little like this, I have had my mid life crisis already. You who have been reading have seen me through it.
I didn't know where I was going, but I made a plan and I got going. I am now on my way. But the thing is I am just starting to build my foundation for life. I got out of my hole of not knowing what the fuck to do and now I am like ok, it's go time.


This, this real life thing, is what I have been training for for two years. 

And life is fucking hard. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am so exhausted I can’t even cry so I just say fuck it and order sushi and watch a movie. 

There are so many things I want to put into this blog but I can’t fit all of my emotions from three insane months into one blog post. 

I will make this promise to you yabbers... I am not done writing. I never will be. And I promise I am back. 

I am making a public promise to my readers that my next blog with not have an apology at the beginning because I will stay updated. 

Me promising to you.

Writing for me, to you, whoever you are reading this, is really important to me. It helps me. My life has def been lacking a bit without me making my blog posts AND IT ENDS NOW. 

Like I said before, I am not complaining about anything... I am just explaining.

Something they say a lot in AA is that God does not give you more than you can handle. Although things may seem like a lot there is always a reason you are dealt the cards you have. And you can do it. 

I can do it. I have been doing it. 

I have been happy and 99% healthy, which is good good good for me. Not only have I been happy and healthy but I have been fucking killing it to be honest with you. I am dealing with all of these situations with an air of confidence and grace that I haven’t had before and I am really really proud of myself. 

Things fall into place the way they are suppose to whether you like it or not. 

And things are not perfect right now, but I don’t really think life works that way and I am swimming just fine. 

Oh wow. I haven’t even talked to you about my “love life” at all. Aye, well looks like I am going to need to put up a new post sooner than I thought.... 

#staytuned. 

Also newly obsessed with this, 

(completely unrelated and I hope you enjoy)