It Is Finished. (but we already knew that)

Anytime I had a conversation with my 'ex' about emotions or "what we were doing", it never went the way I foresaw it going. Which means we were never, ever on the same page. From the first time I tried to figure out "what we were doing"... things did not go well. That initial conversation should have been a tell tale sign that things were not going to end well. And they didn't. They did not end well. The final break up was over the phone, four months ago, followed up by a controversial blog post on my part. Say hello to part two of that blog post... 

I think me writing that blog put up a big do not enter sign on my door, whether on purpose or by mistake. The door closed at that point. 

But I would be lying if I said a part of me was not hoping he called. Of course I was hoping he'd call. Things ended so abrupt.
Although if you think about it, it was not abrupt at all.

The night prior to me saying "I'm done," on the phone, was a literal shit show. I had had a Christmas party and when we were finally alone I had tried to roll him out of my bed while he was passed out because I was so angry at him. I took all of the pillows off the bed and threw them on the floor, except mine. But somehow I woke up with him on my pillow and me sleeping on him. I don't know how long I expected that to go on...

I currently am in a state of frustration. It is only a matter of time until I run into this human. Whether I like it or not. Philadelphia is small.
I feel bad for people who have dated within their group of friends because seeing your ex that often would drive one mad. It causes people to lose friends, I'm sure.
(Not saying me and this person dated.
Because we didn't. There were no dates. )
I waited and waited for him to call and he never did. I guess I wasn't worth fighting for. Which is fine. It wasn't meant to be. But now, every weekend I go out and the possibility of seeing him is constantly looming over my head. That is maybe more maddening then knowing you will see someone. 

I'm over this relationship and I'm ready to move on with my life. But I feel that when you have that exact attitude, that's when people jump up out of no where. Like, "HAI HI HERE I AM. IT'S ME. HELLO." I guess God truly does work in mysterious ways but, lord almighty. Send him away. Transfer him somewhere. Or let it happen already.

It's not that I'm scared or frightened to see him. It's that I think it will be at the most inopportune time. And I am nervous he will yell at me for my blog... to which there will be a giant afuckayew. 

Obviously there's a bit of closure that's lacking. I mean yes I have given my piece to the Internet. We all know how I feel about the situation, but I've had no response back. He never called ever. I haven't seen him. I said a brief merry Christmas but that's it 

Maybe we will never have enough closure though. Maybe even if I did see him every weekend and he called the next day I would still feel uneasy. Maybe that's life. It's just part of the moving on process. It's never quick and easy. And the quick and easy way is never the right way. 

I could sit there and pretend I'm un-phased. Sit pretty, happy and act calm and collected. But I'm Yab. I'm a writer and I leave my thoughts on the page and I can not keep holding on to anger and hate. Worrying about something that won't happen, especially when I expect it to. This is something you can't expect.
Breaking up, growing up, showing up, moving on, living life is hard. But it's life. And we must continue onward and upward. Let go, and live life.

Sometimes I Hide in my Shower.

I hope you're ready cause Yab is about to turn the heat up in the kitchen.
I have my period and I fucked up my birth control, so the PMS bitch is amplified x1000.

So, uh... LET'S GET CRACKING SHALL WE?!

I am angry. I am pissed off. I am tired. And I am annoyed as all fucking hell.

At this point in the night however, I have calmed down. So I begin...

Just Kidding, what do you think this is cinder-fucking-ella? No, Yaberiella. UHDUH. 

One quality I feel I have is being a good friend. It's something I have has always posesssed and it may be one of my most redeeming qualities (if I do say so myself). It has brought incredible people into my life. I feel what you give out to the universe, you get back.

I have always had good friends. And I try to be there for people. As much as possible. I feel that is the most important thing for a friendship. Being there. Whether it's on the phone, or showing up.

(I must also *note, I am watching the HBO doc on scientology, so I apologize if this starts to get weird)

But sometimes, Karma doesn't always work in your favor. I've had friends who have turned into frenmies too many times. At this point in my life, I don't do that anymore. I just don't put up with bullshit.
I'm 24. If you want to be my friend, wonderful, I'll gladly accept! If not, goodbye.

And being a friend to me isn't just shooting the shit, it's getting down to the nitty gritty and like I said being there. Supporting each other. If that goes away and fades, buhbye. I honestly have a lot of friends and I don't want frenimes.

Maybe, this is why me and my ex didn't work out. It was pretty physical and the support was seriously lacking. He wasn't there for me. So, I said, "buhbye."

But I will say, the one thing I hate about break ups is losing a person from your life. I like people. I like friends, I hate losing friends, even if that's what has to happen. I've never really kept in contact with someone after a break up. I think it's easier that way, but that's the only way I know.

I had like a really nice weekend and a really rough weekend squished into one.
Like I said, PMS monster is out, so I just don't really feel good.

My mother is probably the only person that knows what I mean, when I call her up and say, "I don't feel good."
The sound of my voice gives away if it's mental or physical.
When I was really, really depressed a couple years back I would have some very bad days.
 And all I would need to say to my mom is, "I don't feel good." And she knew what I meant.

I still have some I-dont-feel-good-days, as we all do.

Today was one of those days. I worked very closely with a student, that I'm barely equipted to handle, I want to drown myself in chocolate, I'm tired and I just don't feel good.

And this makes me feel better because it also is something only me and my mom understand:

These days, one thing that does calm me down, is water.
I don't have... an exactly clean shower, but I find myself sitting in it a lot. When things get too much for me, I sit in my shower and watch the water. Is that weird? I don't care. I don't cry. I don't mope. I just let the water hit me and forget about everything. There is something about water that has always set me free. When I was a kid, and still to this day, I can stay in the ocean for an entire day and not get tired of it. I love water and it calms and chills me the fuck out.

Some of this, 

...some of this. 

Today I sat in my shower while listening to olds school BS.
Such as:

and 

yup. Again, the period-ness.

I know what calms me. And that's what it is, 

water and BS. 

I would really, really like a rainy day. An excuse to post up in my bedroom and not leave. 

I love that it's getting sunny but I also want a day to not feel bad about posting up hard. 

I don't really think this blog was about anything particular, and I can into with more gusto than I came out. But hey, as long as you're not involved in Scientology, everyone is a winner here. 

I started off writing this in a very bad mood, but after eating some wonderfully done chicken, by chef Latona Jr., I am feeling less of a monster. Oh and there was also B&J involved, with a cookie core. If you don't know what I mean by that get with the mother fucking program (*hint: ben and jerrys).

It's baffling and amazing to me what writing does for me. It's not a way to always get a point across, or make total sense and prove the world wrong. But it's just a way to calm my thoughts and make sense of myself. I could compare it to my serenity with water if I was more clever... But it's way past my bed time and I can't. 

The Boy Who Vanished From My Life.

I wrote a couple months ago about how I let someone out of my life and I said, " I didn't realize it was the last time I would see them." Which in retrospect, was incredibly overly dramatic. I will see that person, probably sooner than later... And I can be a drama queen. 

But there is a boy, from my life, who has completed vanished, and I am more than heart broken about it. 

One of the founding stories, of the program I work for is called The Starfish Story. Here it is :

I loved hearing this story during training because anyone from my beloved summer camp could tell you that story. It was told during our campfires and would give me chills.
It wasn't just a founding story for my job. It was a foundational story of my youth and was incredibly inspirational to hear going into a new working environment. 

This job, has been nothing that I expected, but to be honest with you, I didn't know what to expect. 

I feel I am more of an open person, now and I'm jaded at the same time. 

But back to starfish and the boy who has left my life... 

I have spent the past school year with a seventh grade boys classroom so I have been surrounded by boys all day. For 7 months. Burping, farting, dick eating. I've heard and seen it all, at this point. 

From the beginning there was one child that I knew was gonna be my babuh.
He was Puerto Rican, little, curly voluminous hair and a mouth on him that could curse out a sailor. But he was adorably sweet with me, and probably only me because we were cut from the same cloth. Not in looks or background, but the way we viewed the world. And I loved him so much. He was one of the few kids I could always get to actually do work with me and even though he was so silly I could see him making progress, I could get shit done with him. He was my starfish.  

So a couple days before Christmas break he wasn't in school, which was typical- he had horrible attendance. He would tell me, that he would stay home from school to watch TV.... WONDERFUL. We were working on that, but it was unbeknownst to me that that was what I should have been focusing on. 

He never returned to school. 

And there is high probability he never will.

It's hard when everything you are working against, comes and knocks you upside the head. This is the opposite of Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds.  This is the kid I thought I could save, being the first one to fail.

I have tried to fight to get this kid back in school but I can't do much. 

Phone lines go dead, his brother's rarely in school, the mother's apparently in jail... 

A lot of teachers thought this kid was a pain in the ass and had his head in the clouds, but I really did believe in him, so much.

I give it up to teachers, especially the ones in tough environments and those who teach children with disabilities. It takes a whole lot more than patience. 

At the beginning of all this I was so pumped. Now I'm feeling like I did nothing this year except try to make myself feel better. How many other kids will I lose, without even knowing about it? How many kids have no one to lose them? 

I've always thought my life was so hard and yea, we all have struggles but I thank god every night I am where I am and I have the things I do.
My version of hard, is luxury for a lot of fucking people. 

To be honest, if I have just made myself feel better this year than I guess I am "making better happen" and I'll tell you this, I didn't make things worse.

I push my boys. I expect them to do better. And if someone sets that expectation then at least they'll take that away. If nothing else, they'll remember my laugh and I know that makes people smile. 

No, I haven't given up on humanity, I just see a little bit more of it. And I want to keep helping and stop losing kids to fucked up shit.

Although I will never know what happens to this kid, I will never forget him. Maybe, probably, I will never see him again but lord almighty, I will never forget him.

#3yearsstrong

It's been about a month since my last blog post, and it feels like it was yesterday. Which makes sense if you read my last post.

I don't even know what I want to talk about. I've had moments where I've wanted to post posts but

I've just been... well, really busy.
Which is good. Like really good.
So this next blog post, was written a couple weeks ago, combined with a post written a couple days before. It's a compilation piece, which happens- when you are busy.


Three years ago, I never thought I would be where I am now. And you can literally read that if you go back in time through this blog.
I remember, when I decided to get sober, thinking my best years were behind me. I don't know what I thought was ahead of me... I wasn't very optimistic. In my eyes, my future looked bleak.
I could not imagine what was in store for me- as they say in AA, "life beyond your wildest dreams."

I would not be the person I am today without the people in my life. Some of them have come and gone, the ones who've been here the longest mean the most, and the people who continue to enter, keep making me a more whole and confident person.

I've been very reflective of that recently. Just truly amazed with myself and the life I have.
And to be honest with you, a lot of people don't understand what I'm talking about, because they've only seen me successful.
I'm not a mess anymore and people can't even picture what that looked like. Which is so bizarre to me. Because, let's be real, I will always be a mess. Now, I'm like a composed mess. Like a nice big messy bun (much like the ones I sport everyday) but not a bad bun- no a very good bun.

There are good buns and bad buns in life, and I these days am a good bun.

I guess I'm feeling a little reflective because last week, I had 3 years. Each year has felt, shorter and longer than the last. It feels like I have more time but less time at the same time.

Although I am a strong, more mature, sober woman I am still...

I can today, say I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming.


I wrote this a few weeks earlier and I will share it with you now:

"I'm in a business where you can't get knocked down. I've written about pushing and pushing and in my line of work you've gotta fucking push. I'm sorry if you're tired of reading about that. But it's what I deal with daily so why don't you fucking push yourself to continue reading...

You can fall, sure there will be days when you fall flat out on your face. 

But you can't take it like a bitch. You gotta get the fuck up and give them the one, two knock out punch.

Make them wonder why you're still smiling, is a favorite motto of mine.

And maybe this isn't my line of work, maybe it's the path of life.

Maybe my work is metaphorical for life. Am I really going to let a class of seventh grade boys push me around? Or am I going to show them that I'm not a boss...but the boss.

I've let work, life, people, push me down and make me cry too many time in my life. And I'm #overit. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna break down and cry for a second every now and again, but that will not be a constant. It can be a variable but certainly not the goddamn constant.

My life has been a little all over the place because I've been a little all over the place the last couple of days, in and out of the city. But I am finally on my way home to my apartment to settle down- and if you coudln't tell, I had a rough day. But you know what? I'm going for a run and heading to a meeting. So yeah, go ahead life. Try to kick me in the ass, because I'm going to kick you right back"

And you know what? I ran 2.5 miles in 30 minutes. I went to the meeting, put my hand up and shared about my shitty day, and now I'm moving forward.

These kids that I'm working with are real shits sometimes. But they come from a shitty hand dealt to them. They don't deserve what they have, they deserve better. They deserve a good education, at the very least. And I am in the school I am in to help them as much as I can.
I believe in them. They are not bad people. Actions speak louder than words. And I can work to change their attitudes and get them on a path where they can get a better deck of cards.

I can't give up because, sometimes, I'm all they've got.

I hope this helps you, whoever you are ,to give it- whatever it is- an extra go.
Don't take it like a bitch- give it the one, two.

Constant Motion

I feel like I have 20,000,000,000 things to do. 24/7.

I go to work, do work, am in constant motion, I'm doing work for my other jobs that I can't be at and then I'm rushing home. To relax? No, to get the rest of the work done.

if things were as simple as hiding in my bathroom and no one ever knowing I smoke(d).

I was assigned, a couple of weeks ago, to take a moment and meditate for my step work. This is one of the easiest assignments I have gotten. Usually I have to write and look inward. I literally have to sit and do nothing but I have found no time to just sit still.

Even when I get home and I'm like, "ok sit down and relax." I can't. I get in my bed to nap and I remember the errands I have to run and I get right out of bed. Or I try to turn on a tv show and not think and I start making lists in my head.


I feel like I have been very productive in the past couple weeks and it has encouraged me to be even more productive but it can be exhausting.
And I say I'm doing a million things but then I feel like I have gotten nothing done. Maybe my time management skills have just been failing me... per usual.

I, of course, am putting to much stress and pressure on myself. I have been constantly checking things off of my to do lists. But it just feels like there is always so much to get done.

And, maybe that's just life. The moment we are born, we are hurled into life and into the world. We are heading towards the future. As we move on from sleeping, growing, eating and pooping, we transition into adulthood and goals, dreams and expectations. Life's fucking hard and there is much to be done!

I've done the nothing thing. 
The sitting still and letting life pass by. I remember when my life consisted of wondering when my life was going to start.
Much like being hurled into life, I have been flung into the world. Last year, I sat still. Now I am in motion. A constant motion that is flowing and does not stop.

I think doing the work I do to leaves me feeling that there is more to be done. As I am on the front lines of the public school education system, I am seeing all the holes that need to be filled.
You know all the stories like the movie Freedom Writer? Where the teacher takes a "bad class" and turns them into upright citizens? That's the 1%. That shit doesn't happen everyday. It happens like maybe, maybe once a week, for a second. You have to push and push and push until you get a breakthrough. It doesn't happen easily or quickly.
But you can't let it break you either. You have to push because if you don't there will never be a breakthrough. You have to channel you're energy and you have to laugh. If you don't laugh a little you will break the fuck down.

But life will push you back. It's not fair but it's fucking life.
Everything you go through is for a reason and you will get to the other side.

I've heard it said that people who are afraid of hell have religion and people who have been through hell are spiritual. So call me spiritual.
I need my crystals. ~

Phhhhew it's exhausting.

So I'm off. To run some errands as quickly and effectively as possible.

Post-Valentines

I feel I have to do an obligatory valentines post... 

Yab is notorious for valentines posts. Angry, sad, always funny, posts. 

I had posts-of-valentines-past haunt me via timehop for the past month such as Why I Hate Valentines Day and of course Fuck Valentines Day.

This year however, I was not a bitter bitch. I felt very hopeful, and well, lovey! 

Someone at work reminded me of when we were all in grade school and you gave out valentines to literally everyone in the class. We all came home with a bag of candy, cards and we were all in this shit together. Literally everyone had a valentine and we all had each other. 

I felt more that way this year than I ever have since 5th grade. 

I have friends in relationships, single friend and my family that all equated to my valentines. 

My posts-of-valentines-past were always happening days before the event, leading up to it and then finally an angry Yab on the day of. This year it is a simple.recount. 

I think this is blatant proof of my progress to date. 

This weekend was awesome. 

Absolutely the best valentines day yet. Friday I went dancing with some of my favorite people, and I hadn't been out with them in forever. I got up saturday morning had coffee with an awesome new friend, got to walk dogs with my neighbor, the got my hair cut and lookin on fleek, and finally had sushi and rented movies with my brother. Glorious. 

It was a great day in general and a fabulous valentines day. 

I also got outside of myself, this holiday, for the first time ever. I have always made this holiday about me. About my misery and how I am single... because I always have been. But Valentines day is one of my favorite people's sober anniversary, and this year she had six years!! That is amazing, and I am so happy/proud of her. 

Sunday I helped to celebrate her and our other friend who just had two years, with arcade games, unicorns and vagina cakes.

 

With so much to celebrate, from love to sobriety, I don't know I even could have been miserable. 

I am so grateful to be able to post a blog post like this and keep the posts-of-valentines-past in the past. 

To anyone that had a horrible valentines day, it is now in it the past. Keep pushing forward. It's just a day and you can move forward. Remember you are never truly alone. Someone loves you, and if it is no one else, it is most definitely me! 

Bitch, I Feel Fan-fucking-tastic

Today was great. Like really good. Like fan-fucking-tastic.

And you have to appreciate those days.

I forgot, for a little while, how to live life. How to slow things down... and as cliche as it is... take it one step at a time. Life is about putting one foot in front of the other. Don't stress too much or you will get a fucking ulcer... or in my case, break down crying to your mother in a hypochondriac fit that you have an ulcer and you're dying when you are, obviously, not...
Good times...

But today was fan-fucking-tastic.

These past two days have been aimed at rejuvenation. For work we've had this mid-year/mid-way training session to help us get through the rest of our year of service. Our sessions have been a little tedious and at times a little pointless but I think I got the gist down pretty well, and I really do feel like taking back my mission by storm.

We also had a battle where every school had a team, that came up with a cheer and there was a competition best cheer. I was on our team... We did not win... BUT we got laughs, which is always the goal. They were not, I REPEAT- NOT, ready for us.


I think I may be doing so well, and feeling so good, right now because I have thrown myself back into my program of recovery. I have been taking care of myself and pushing myself to do better. I don't have to get everything done in a day but if I do a little bit, then a little bit more, eventually I have done a lot.

I am attaining goals and setting new ones.

I also have put the right people into my life. The statement, "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," is really true.  As Yab always says FUCK THE HATERS.
I have to much love in my heart to let bad people make me react in bad ways.

I think after a break up you have a serious mourning period, and if you really mourn the shit out of it, you can move the fuck on. Forward, onward, and upward.

I have begun to move the fuck on. And I see doors opening up every which way. And... it's fan-fucking-tastic. 

I am one to quite frequently say, "sorry, I am not sorry." And I have never recanted a statement that I have made on this blog. But something has really been bothering me and I want to address it.
In my last blog post I said that I was not born from a great love. I want to clarify: I was not born from a place of ill will or hate. 

It is just hard for me to wrap my head around my parents as a couple. All I have ever known is them apart and as separate entities. But I believe there was this period ~somewhere in some space of time~ that they really truly loved each other. I have seen proof of it in pictures and in writings. I know it existed at sometime but I never experienced it.

This bitch was a mess. 

Now, my parents don't speak to each other- which is actually my doing. In my period of using I put everyones lives, not just my own, into a state of chaos... multiple times. During all of this my parents had different views on how to handle the situation. It's a serious matter. How do you deal with your child when they are trying so desperately to ruin their own life? There were different opinions, and they were strong opinions. So now they keep their distance.

Although I am cursed as a child of divorce, I am blessed with two incredible families that I would not trade for the world.

On really good days it is important to be grateful. Gratitude, in my opinion, is the corner stone of life.

So when you have a good day, just thank the universe. Because chances are Neptune and Venus had something to do with it.  (check it)

Tomorrow might be hell, but today... today was good.