Bitch, I Feel Fan-fucking-tastic

Today was great. Like really good. Like fan-fucking-tastic.

And you have to appreciate those days.

I forgot, for a little while, how to live life. How to slow things down... and as cliche as it is... take it one step at a time. Life is about putting one foot in front of the other. Don't stress too much or you will get a fucking ulcer... or in my case, break down crying to your mother in a hypochondriac fit that you have an ulcer and you're dying when you are, obviously, not...
Good times...

But today was fan-fucking-tastic.

These past two days have been aimed at rejuvenation. For work we've had this mid-year/mid-way training session to help us get through the rest of our year of service. Our sessions have been a little tedious and at times a little pointless but I think I got the gist down pretty well, and I really do feel like taking back my mission by storm.

We also had a battle where every school had a team, that came up with a cheer and there was a competition best cheer. I was on our team... We did not win... BUT we got laughs, which is always the goal. They were not, I REPEAT- NOT, ready for us.


I think I may be doing so well, and feeling so good, right now because I have thrown myself back into my program of recovery. I have been taking care of myself and pushing myself to do better. I don't have to get everything done in a day but if I do a little bit, then a little bit more, eventually I have done a lot.

I am attaining goals and setting new ones.

I also have put the right people into my life. The statement, "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," is really true.  As Yab always says FUCK THE HATERS.
I have to much love in my heart to let bad people make me react in bad ways.

I think after a break up you have a serious mourning period, and if you really mourn the shit out of it, you can move the fuck on. Forward, onward, and upward.

I have begun to move the fuck on. And I see doors opening up every which way. And... it's fan-fucking-tastic. 

I am one to quite frequently say, "sorry, I am not sorry." And I have never recanted a statement that I have made on this blog. But something has really been bothering me and I want to address it.
In my last blog post I said that I was not born from a great love. I want to clarify: I was not born from a place of ill will or hate. 

It is just hard for me to wrap my head around my parents as a couple. All I have ever known is them apart and as separate entities. But I believe there was this period ~somewhere in some space of time~ that they really truly loved each other. I have seen proof of it in pictures and in writings. I know it existed at sometime but I never experienced it.

This bitch was a mess. 

Now, my parents don't speak to each other- which is actually my doing. In my period of using I put everyones lives, not just my own, into a state of chaos... multiple times. During all of this my parents had different views on how to handle the situation. It's a serious matter. How do you deal with your child when they are trying so desperately to ruin their own life? There were different opinions, and they were strong opinions. So now they keep their distance.

Although I am cursed as a child of divorce, I am blessed with two incredible families that I would not trade for the world.

On really good days it is important to be grateful. Gratitude, in my opinion, is the corner stone of life.

So when you have a good day, just thank the universe. Because chances are Neptune and Venus had something to do with it.  (check it)

Tomorrow might be hell, but today... today was good. 

The Whirlwind of Life.

The amount of drafts I have sitting in my blogger is pretty exemplative of my life’s current status. 

The past three months have been a whirl wind to say the least and I have had little to no time to get all of my thoughts on to paper. 

The thing is though, it’s more than not being able to write, because I have written. I have had so many fleeting thoughts about everything. I have been waiting to feel concrete about, well, anything.... I will elaborate.

A typical day for me right now is.... Well that is actually difficult because that’s not a real thing for me anymore. Ok, ok, ok I’ll try:

5:30 first alarm, 6:30 I actually wake up

Catch the bus at about 7:05, get to school at around 7:25 

At school from 7:30am- 5pm (or 6pm)

-get emotionally drained from dealing with a class of ill behaved, yet beautiful 7th grade boys (I love and hate them)

Come home between 5:45-6:45pm

- sometimes have things that go until 8, don’t get home until 9pm

Run errands when I get home, between 7-9pm

Eat dinner between 8pm- 10pm

Debrief on the internet or catch up on TV 

And finally drag myself to bed around 11pm-1am 

Wake up, Repeat. 

It’s exhausting. And that’s a typical day. And I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining. 

This is just an example of a Monday.... It’s cool though because the time flies (usually) and so do the days, but they take a toll for sure. For example it’s Wednesday night around 11pm and I started writing this Monday in the afternoon. I seriously do not know where the time goes.. HENCE WHY I HAVE NOT UPDATED MY BLOG IN THREE MONTHS. (Obviously, I apologize)

Let me explain why my thoughts are fleeting: 

My emotions with my students in the Philly public school system is minute to minute. I have a class of seventh grade boys I follow around all day... This would drive anyones emotions into a frenzy. 

I love my boys so much. They are so amazing. I am learning so much about life from them. They see life in such a different way than I do. 

Today the boys in my school played this song and it really effected me,

They rapped along (knowing all the words) with such gusto. It wasn’t even that they just memorized some rap song, like no not at all. They were filled with passion, it’s like they knew what this guy was saying. 

I, of course... The white girl from the suburbs..., had never even heard this song before. But I could feel the passion not only from the song but emulating out of these kids. I asked one of the students why they all liked this song and they said, “because it tells a story.” 

It is baffling to me that these kids, in 7th grade, can relate to something like this so easily. And it honestly pains me. 

On the bus, I drive through the neighborhoods that these kids live in and have grown up in. It’s Northeast Philadelphia. I’ve driven through these areas in the past but I never had a face to anyone that lived in any of these homes. 

I just want to help them as much as possible. I want to show them that jail should never be an option because they are all so much better than that. I want them to get out of where they came from and live up to the potential that they all have. I want soo much for them. It’s honestly overwhelming. I try not to think about it too much because otherwise I start crying. 

But aside from all that seriousness... Sometimes I want to actually kill them. FOR EXAMPLE, Monday... Oh Monday... We had a substitute. -_- I can not. 

They were totally insane. Running a muck to the highest degree. I kicked two students out. At one point I looked over and a student I work with a lot was laying across two chairs... Just laying down.... I lost it. And by loose it I started laughing and couldn’t hold it back. 

I’ve learned, through these past two months, to really take things with a grain of salt and pick and choose your battles. Life is about bigger things then a student laying across two chairs like a monkey... 

So it's like a constant wanting to kill them or want to hug them into oblivion.

Aside from school... 

Shit’s just constantly nuts... If it’s not this it’s that... 

I had to take four personal days because of this... Someone please tell me what my life is...?

There have been so many things unrelated to school since July that I can’t even remember. Roommate shit, friend shit, family shit, shit, shit, and poop- which is shit. 

But like that’s the things it’s all just shit. 

And maybe this is life. My favorite movie, Love Actually, has this line, “There is always going to be a totally shit time.” And maybe that’s just my life for now and the foreseeable future, or maybe it’s just fucking life. 

I am finally alive again. I am out of my Fuck Yab fucking shit hole of rebuilding... I have gone from negative to positive, from Vermont to home to Philadelphia. Aka college and fantasy life to dose of reality to really living a real life. 
It's a little like this, I have had my mid life crisis already. You who have been reading have seen me through it.
I didn't know where I was going, but I made a plan and I got going. I am now on my way. But the thing is I am just starting to build my foundation for life. I got out of my hole of not knowing what the fuck to do and now I am like ok, it's go time.


This, this real life thing, is what I have been training for for two years. 

And life is fucking hard. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am so exhausted I can’t even cry so I just say fuck it and order sushi and watch a movie. 

There are so many things I want to put into this blog but I can’t fit all of my emotions from three insane months into one blog post. 

I will make this promise to you yabbers... I am not done writing. I never will be. And I promise I am back. 

I am making a public promise to my readers that my next blog with not have an apology at the beginning because I will stay updated. 

Me promising to you.

Writing for me, to you, whoever you are reading this, is really important to me. It helps me. My life has def been lacking a bit without me making my blog posts AND IT ENDS NOW. 

Like I said before, I am not complaining about anything... I am just explaining.

Something they say a lot in AA is that God does not give you more than you can handle. Although things may seem like a lot there is always a reason you are dealt the cards you have. And you can do it. 

I can do it. I have been doing it. 

I have been happy and 99% healthy, which is good good good for me. Not only have I been happy and healthy but I have been fucking killing it to be honest with you. I am dealing with all of these situations with an air of confidence and grace that I haven’t had before and I am really really proud of myself. 

Things fall into place the way they are suppose to whether you like it or not. 

And things are not perfect right now, but I don’t really think life works that way and I am swimming just fine. 

Oh wow. I haven’t even talked to you about my “love life” at all. Aye, well looks like I am going to need to put up a new post sooner than I thought.... 

#staytuned. 

Also newly obsessed with this, 

(completely unrelated and I hope you enjoy)

Chillan With Princess Lolly

Let me just say, I never thought I would be at this point. Feeling, completely and fully present and fulfilled. 

I have worked very hard to get where I am right now, and life is still a definite struggle but I am so happy with where my life is right now. 

I am feeling so elated that it’s borderline scary. It’s scary because I have felt very very happy before and then my life has turned upside down, inside out, and to shit. 

But this time it’s different. I'm just plain excited about everything.

I am excited about doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, doing my laundry, because it's in MY OWN APARTMENT. No one tells me to do anything, I make the choice to do it and right now I loooove doing it all! 

Don't get me wrong in a month I will fucking hate that I do not have a dishwasher and the fact that my laundry machine is a third of the size of a normal washer. But right now, BRING IT ON. 

All of my hard work is beginning to pay off. All of those times when I have felt that my life was non-repairable and that it would never get to where I wanted it to be is over. This is a huge feat. HUGE. 

It's easy for me to stay in the present currently because things feel surreal and I am just taking life in minute by minute. 

me in my apt lovin life... it's furnished now, don't worry.

I love what I do, and quite frankly, I’m pretty good at it, which is fucking amazing. 

I am a social media coordinator at a non-profit. I've been interning at this organization since January and they really appreciate all that I do. Their feedback on my work as of recently has given me a real sense of purpose. I have found, and am beginning to master, something I'm really good at. 

Last weekend, at a meeting I was called the "social media queen".

Like hello, Gabriella, future #GirlBoss.  

And I have a new program coming up that I am so nervous but so excited about its nuts.

I got accepted into a volunteer program of Greater Philadelphia 2014-2015. 

Basically it's a year of full-time volunteer service, with a living stipend. The point of the program is to reduce the drop out rate in public school systems. There are sites all over the country but I'm going to, obvi, be in Philly. 

Now you see, I'm scared for a couple of different reasons. Mostly I'm a little scared of the Philadelphia Public school systems but I am also going to meet a lot of new people and who knows what that will be like. 

But there are many more reasons as to why I'm excited. 

I know this program will help shape me into a different, and better, human being. A year from now I will have had an amazing experience and my view on life will be entirely different! HOW EXCITING. 

I don’t mean to brag about my life but I’m fucking happy and that in it’s self is a huge feat. 

LISTEN AND DANCE TO THIS

Like besides the fact that I HAVE AN APARTMENT, I love where I live. Walking around my neighborhood and discovering new things is so much fun and entertaining to me. Northern Liberties, or No Libs (as the locals aka me, call it), is so hip and cool and there is so much to do, from going out to cool bars with amaze ball food- weekend flea markets AND amazing coffee shops. Shout out to @oneshotcoffee for providing the most amazing coffee drinks I've ever had. 

And my roommates are literally the best combination possible. 

Stephen, who I love more than most humans, and Samantha Devers, who has been one of my favorite people for years. I haven't seen Sam in like four years and the next time I see her she will moving in to live with me! (she hasn't moved in yet) I AM SO EXCITED. 

Good things are happening, fo sho. 

But of course it is scary. When things are going so well it's just like waiting for something bad to happen.

I guess the best thing I can do is fully and whole heartedly appreciate the good days and be on the defensive for the bad days. 

And I mean that's not to say my life is a game of fucking CandyLand.

Well... maybe it is because there is Gloppy the Molasses Monster and Lord Licorice. 

My gloppy would have to be my constant money issues and Lord Licorice the lingering feeling of anxiety that comes in waves. 

But right now, in my CandyLand life, I'd say I'm chillin Princess Lolly and Gramma Nut. 

So, as Gramma always says, "Let them eat peanut brittle"

Shit Storms

It's a funny time, in between winter and spring. One day you are in shorts and the next day it's snowing... This could just be the #annoyingphillyweather... but I do think it happens everywhere.
In VT it's called "mud season" and here in Philly, I'm calling it, "pot hole season".

But like I said it seems to be everywhere, from Buffalo, to Maryland, to San Fran...

And maybe it's not so much that there's gross thunder-snow-rain-sun storms going on, as there is shit storms happening.

~maybe it's just life~

Some of my good friends, (from Buffalo, to Maryland, to San Fran and even BTV) are dealing with some really trying shit. And if you've read any of my recent blogs (aside from the Frozen tribute) I've not been strolling through the park either.

But shit gets rough sometimes. Like really fucking rough. Like break down in your car crying, calling your best friend crying, locking yourself in the bathroom crying... Basically a lot of crying.

And it's so easy to see the negative, to point out the really shit shit that is happening.
Being happy and positive is not fucking easy all the time.

Things always, always, always, get worse before they get better.

With the biggest storms, theres bigger clean ups, but eventually brighter days.

Not after every storm there is a rainbow but there is always something beautiful to be found.

Life really kicks our asses sometimes, that much I have learned in the past two years.

O btw I'm 2 years sober today. YAYAY

Oo0oo00o0o0ooooOOOOo0o0

And I would like to particularly pay tribute to these people, who actually this blog was ORIGINALLY written for:

 

I don't know what I would do without my family and my friends, that I consider, family. These people have been huge in my life and I am so grateful to have them.

*side note: I also am extremely grateful to have such a loving, caring and supportive family, particularly mother. If my family wasn't behind me 100% I literally don't know how I would handle life.

BUT I DIGRESS

This post is important to me, not because of my two years sober but because it pains me to hear my friends in pain. I wish I could just hug them until life was better. 

But going through shitty, shit, shit storms makes you a hell of a person. 

No matter what happens, when you come out on the other side you are changed and you learn. 

When you're uncomfortable and doing things you don't want to be doing you are growing up. 

We are all doing a lot of growing. 

I said something to someone today that I really liked, it had to do with dating but I think it applys to life, Now you are in the game. No one wins on the first round, but you have to keep playing. 

College may be over for a lot of you, but you have just started out in life. Keep your heads up my loveys. I believe in you and thank you so much for believing in me. 

xoxo cheers.