She was an Amazing Person in all Aspects

I have a good amount of friends. I have friends that have come and gone out of my life for one reason or another. Some of the people I have known, and consider my friends, have left profound impacts on my life, whether currently they are in them or not.

Today I lost a friend to the disease of addiction.

Some of the strongest relationships I have were formed at a place that left a profound impact on my life, Camp Tockwogh. If you have known me for a while, you have heard me talk about camp. About the many memories I have acquired there and the friends I have gathered along the way. A lot of these people have come in and out of my life, but left lasting impressions.
A few of these people are still in my life today, whether they never left my side or the universe returned them to me.

One of my best friends from camp, and in life, was Samantha Devers. Deevers, as many called her, was basically a sister to me.

I knew of Sam before I knew her as Deevers, or Deevs. At one time I knew her as the Tockwogh Barbie, because she looked so much like the popular mattel doll. But to be honest with you, she was more drop dead gorgeous than a plastic Barbie, inside and out.

I finally met and got to know Sam in the summer of 2008. We were put into the same cabin third session. I was a "junior counselor" and she was a C.I.T., counselor in training. It was a weird dynamic because just a week before she arrived at camp I was previously a C.I.T. but because the camp was wildly understaffed they asked my group of C.I.T.'s to stay on as "junior counselors". A position was made up so that the camp could have non-paid staff... Hey, we were honored.

When Sam and I were put together in the cabin I made an effort to not have it be an awkward situation, since we were the same age but not exactly equal. (Sorry if this is confusing because you are not a camp kid. You should have begged your parents to go to Tockwogh.)

I remember very specifically (and possibly my favorite memory with Sam) one night we were stuck in the cabin for a long time together because of a thunder storm, I think the power might have gone out because I know we had flash lights, and we basically shared our lives stories to date. We were 17. and had so many commonalities. This is when I really met Sam. She became my friend.
Some friendships you just know will last forever. There are certain people you click with and have a deep connection.
Sam was one of these people.

We weren't really super close after that, because she was doing C.I.T. things and I the J.C. things.

the night we fell in love.

The next summer we were staff. This is a big deal, in the camp world. A big, big deal.
Me and my two other camp bffs, Rita and Carly, showed up to camp at the end of the first week of training and the beginning of the first weekend of camp. Which entailed a large party, but it also required us to get to this party, from MD- PA...
Rita, Carly, and I were, basically assigned to Sam's car. She didn't know us that well and we kinda knew her.
After that car ride and that night, which I don't know if I can really tell/ reveal what happened...or remember... we were friends forever.
Countless nights that summer were spent in that car. Too many things happened in that car... I threw up on Rita and Carly to Taylor Swift in that car...

After that summer we were all extremely close... I was also fired because of my drinking escapades... but that is for another time. And to be honest, she was there for me 100% through that.

Sam came to my house a couple of years for thanksgiving and my family fell in love with her. People were always falling in love with Sam. She was so easy to love. She was an amazing human being.

The past year Samantha and I had been living together. And it was really rough. From the time Sam moved in things were not the same as when we were kids at camp.
And I knew they weren't going to be, but I didn't realize how serious things were.

I got sober in March 2012. Right before I gave up drinking and drugging, I was in constant contact with Sam because she was going through a lot. She would call me incredibly upset about things that were going on with her. Sam's drug use had gotten way out of hand before mine did. She was court ordered to rehab, which was a good thing because it got her sober.

Getting sober, going from constantly fucked up and denying life, to dealing with life, is debatably the hardest thing a person has to do (if they have to do it).
It was easy for Sam and me to relate because we were going through a lot of the same things.

Sam always knew she was susceptible to becoming an addict. She had told me this early on. She was very wary of drugs when we were younger. But like all addicts, it snuck into her life.
There are people I could blame for Sam's path but ultimately, she was bound to walk it one way or another.

When Sam told me she wanted to live with me in Philly last year, I was beyond excited. I could not think of a better roommate.
But like I said, I didn't realize things were they way they were.

Sam was always a bit of a mystery. I think that's one of the reasons people fell so in love with her all the time. Because there was so much to know about her and so many things to find out about her.
But I quickly started to realize things were not right in our house.
Signs of her using started popping up and I began begrudgingly putting them together. I did not want to solve this mystery because I knew what the answer was. I knew Sam was using.

Although this year was rough, I still got to live with Sam. I got to spend time with one of my best friends. And I am happy she was living with me and not somewhere else.


I wish I could go back and wrap her in my arms and never let her go. And make her tell me all the truths to all the mysteries so we could work them out together. I wish I could have saved her. Or helped even more in some way, shape or form.

What happened to Sam is tragic. She was not her disease, it over took her and made her something she wasn't for along time and it's not fair. I don't like people knowing her as that, thinking that was her, because it wasn't. That is not who she was.

Samantha Devers was a dancer, a pilot, a sailor, a caregiver, an academic, a hard worker, caring, understanding, an amazing listener, sweet, fierce, unique, kind, an incredible friend, so so so easy to get along with, and so so many other things.

She was an amazing person in all aspects. And I will forever love her.

I will again emphasize this year was past year was rough. It was one of the hardest things, for both Sam and I, I'm sure.
Having to see your best friend suffer daily is horrible but being in love with something that will ultimately kill you is worse.

No one choose this life, Samantha definitely did not. She did not choose to have this predisposition. People who don't grapple with addiction can not comprehend how difficult this thing is to beat.

But I will not remember Sam that way. I will not see her as her disease, ever, because she was so so much more. I will remember the girl who I clicked with in the cabin late at night, while telling each other about how much we hated our all girls schools under flash lights, and we longed for something more.
That is who will forever live on in my heart, because that is who she was.

She dealt with the situation.

my angel.

Those of us who have walked through hell, know that heaven is real. 

Rest easy. Love you, Mean it.

Feeling Almost 25.

Sitting on a bus to New York, reading just kids, listening to the classic Led Zeppelin II, in my overalls and red hot chili peppers shirt, from my youthful days of concerts with parents, where the smell of weed was something of curiosity rather than familiarity. It is times like this when I really know who I am. This is me and I am so happy with who I am. 

Recently, I've heard it said that, "these are the best times of your life." [your 20s]
We've heard this throughout our lives. High school is suppose to be exciting, then college is anxiously awaited. But I was never really told about my 20s....
If you had told me that my 20s were going to be the time of my life two years ago... I probably would have cried hysterically because of how miserable I was, but now... I do feel like it.

College was the beginning of the best years of my life.  It was an eye opening time. A time to learn about life, to be young and dumb and try and begin to figure myself out.

side note- high school... No. Nope, definitely not the best years of my life. Closet depression was in full swing and although I appeared to the public very happy I most definitely was not. Nothing in life made any sense. 

"If I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself." Yup. Well said Floyd. 

My early twenties were a mismatch of good times and terrible, terrible bad times. And although my experience is unique, I feel this happens to all of us. We have our early twenties crisis. For some people it happens earlier and others later. Luckily for me it happened pretty early.  

I went through the what the fuck period. What the fuck is my twenties ? What the fuck am I doing with my life ? What the fuck is life ?

I pondered all of this and I figured some shit out. Mostly I figured out... this is it baby! This is the time to live life. I am totally an adult. I can drive to New York at 10pm at night from New Jersey and not tell my mother. Which, of course, I could do at a younger age but now it's like I have full responsibility for my life and my actions. I go to jail, I deal with it. My parents still pay for a few things here and there and I'm super greatful- which is something else I've figured out too- be grateful- but ultimately I'm making my own decisions. 

And I'm not really lost anymore. 

Which is pretty fucking cool to say.
I don't know the future, contrary to my own previous beliefs, I'm not psychic-although I do have good intuition. I know what I want. I know who I am and who I want to be. 

And goddamn, it this is the time! Like early twenties sucked but 25-29 is gonna be bitching! I'm dating men, I can tell a man from a boy. I'm traveling. I'm working towards my career. I know my city like the back of my hand and I know where my next city will be. 

I don't know about you Taylor swift... but I'm feeling almost 25. 

And just for a minute I want to touch on something to all my ladies- stop spending this time searching for a husband, if that is what you are doing, Stop doing THAT! f you happened to have stumbled upon on that is so great and I am so happy for you, but what I'm trying to say is capitalize on this time. Be present in the moment and don't get ahead of yourself, not right now. 

One day (if what you want is to be married) that will happen and you will be changing diapers and you will be wanting to murder your significant other and you will be thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO MY YOUTH?! And you will look in the mirror and be like I'm so old!! WAH. 

Put yourself in that right now.

Picture yourself ten years from now.

30something...

Wishing you were 20something ... 

Now come back to reality.
You are here now. Make the most of your life and you're time YOUNG AND FREE. 

I'm not saying don't fall in love or hide from love, absolutely love! That is part of life... But stop worrying about what is suppose to be and JUST BE. 

And to all of those mommies and daddies out there, cherish your time with your littles as much as you can because they are the young ones and before you know it they will be large and definitely in charger so squish them and keep them young, but please don't spoil them... Too much. 

So, yabbers, enjoy life today. For it is a gift that is why we call it the present.

Knock On Wood

Change is hard for me but it is also something I love to write about.

I love this time. The time where you know nothing about what is about to happen. Which I guess you could say is everyday but right now I'm speaking about my pretransition period.

My lease is up in July and I'm moving to south philly! I don't know where yet

I start a new job at the end of July ! But I don't know what it will be like.

I am single single single and I don't know who is in store for me next.

So many I don't knows. I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

This year has been too much. Too too much. TOO MUCH

. but has prepared me beyond measure for what is to come next. I feel good about what is to come. I do.

I feel like a lot of doors have closed and I am ready to open new ones up. Things are going to be good I can feel it.

You know what?

PSA:

It's not about trying to figure out the meaning of life, it's about figuring out how to live life. If you focus on finding meaning without doing the motions, you're missing the point. It's about the emotions. 

And this blog is about emotions. I guess I have a lot of emotions.... 

And a little baby has been born! 

How could you look at that face and say good things are not coming ?

Everyday new life comes into this world. Things come and things go. 

Life isn't going to get easier but I am now more equipped than ever to handle what the future has in store. 

And let's be honest, who doesn't love summer and a good tan? 

Knock on wood, good vibes only. 

Casual Dating.

So, I have entered the dating world. I now am a casual dater.
Up until a couple of months ago, dating was unfathomable  to me. I thought it was just something I would never do. Then I was like... fuck it.
And I've entered a new stage in life.
Casual Dating.

So yes. This is all new to me. But if nothing else, it is truly fascinating. I am learning so much.

I guess there a lot of rules and guide lines? I've picked up my own along the way, and as any new person to dating will tell you, your friends who do, OR DON'T, date... will have a lot of advice.





So let's go over a few bullet points, 
here are tips I have either come up with throughout this process or tips directly from my friends:

- one date does not mean you will ever see that person again
Which honestly was a revelation to me. All of the relationships I have had, intimate or not, have been pretty long lasting. So to realize you might have dinner or coffee with someone and never see them again was a shocking concept to me.

-if you know you don't like the guy but are looking to get laid, sleep with him right away and he won't really call ever again so you won't really have to deal with him ever again
-- on the reverse if you do like them, "wait for three dates
- If you do like him don't sleep with him on the first date, and some say wait until the third date. And trusted sources say wait a month in order to see if you really like them.

- Some say if you really like them don't kiss on the first date

- If you do plan on kissing, don't wear lipstick.

- dinner is a bigger deal than coffee or drinks.

- "only bring enough money in your wallet for a taxi cab home."

- "Never ever take someone home you meet in a casino in Nevada... and I mean like the middle of nowhere Nevada"

- Just because they buy you food, doesn't mean you owe them anything.

- "No real estate agents, actors or models" and no actors/models, obviously.

- Men are hunters, they enjoy a chase, don't give everything away right away. Make them hunt and chase a bit or they get bored.

- "go to a restaurant with low lighting." *Italian restaurants are key*

- Date foods are tricky. Be careful. Absolutely no spaghetti or garlic.

- "Always wear a bra"

- If you ask someone out, you should pay, if they ask, they pay


- "trust your instincts"

- Make your own rules but listen to what your friends have to say

While collecting dating tips from my friends I also got some interesting relationship advice that I shall pass along as some extra tidbits of advice:

"I never regain trust so fuckin leave when it happens the first time ... But idk if that's just me "

"If he doesn't text or call or initiate hangouts? He's just not that into you."

"It's a marathon not a race, Gab."

... Ok. 

"If you have any suspicions or feel something in your gut- don't be afraid to investigate. Or just ask the person"

"Don't go through someone's phone, some things aren't meant to be known."

 

"Don't put up with bullshit, because if they give you shit in the beginning, they will forever"

"Fuck love. Everyone lies to you." 

"You can't change people. Don't try to."

Tinder Tip of the Week:

If you don't know this by now, I will let you in on a little secret, I like social experiments. I like seeing how different people react in the same situation. I also hangout with a lot of dudes, and I've heard them talk about tinder and I've also asked them about tinder. My conclusion, men are on tinder to get laid. Which we all already knew, let's be real, but I think it's all time we stop looking for love on tinder because that's not what the men are using it for. And of course they are exceptions to every rule, but this is what I have concluded from my research.

I hope this week's relationship advice was helpful, from the most unsuccessful dater out there.

loljk but you know, dating is fun! So have fun! #livelaughlove #blessed #swiperight

Dealing With Crazy.

Sometimes, life gets crazy.
And then it gets crazier.
And then when you think you're at the maximum capacity, it gets just a little bit more insane.

If I were have gone to a psychic, this time last year and she told me, verbatim, how this year was going to go I would have laughed and shit my pants at the same time. There was no way to predict how the past 12 months have gone.

I have thought that the past year has been crazy, but the past few weeks have been a concentrated nuttiness.

I've had a lot of people yell at me, I've yelled at a lot of people, I've had dumb things happen and I've done dumb things. I've had some realizations and I've been reprioritizing my life.

And then the worst thing happened... my dog died.

I've been fearing losing one of my boxers for a little while now and it happen, as I suspected, at a horrible time very unexpectedly.

My puppy Jasper was only 6 years old, when he passed away this week. He was having trouble walking the week earlier and when my mom took him to the doctor, they thought it was something wrong with his hips and legs. Throughout the week he got progressively worse and by the weekend he couldn't walk at all so we took him to the doggie ER.
I am very thankful I happened to be home this weekend when we took him to the hospital. I haven't been home in a couple of weeks, which I am sad about because I didn't get to see him a whole lot in the past month, but by the grace of God, I was there to help take him to the ER and be there for my mom who has been there all day.

The ode to Jasper is soon to come.

* Let me just say right now, this post has been sitting in my drafts. I have been waiting until I have a chance to sit down and write to finish it but I have been brainstorming in my head. At one point I was going to write about rainbows...

After certain storms, there are rainbows. A silver lining. And things get better. That is what I thought until now...

Let me also say this, I have the worst luck. Please restrain me if I ever tell you I am going to a casino because I will lose it all on a glitter cat slot machine. I have shit for luck.

Things aren't getting better. But maybe, alas I say it again, MAYBE ITS LIFE.  As we get older our problems get more insane and serious then they did when we were five and got upset about taking a turn on the swings.

But you see the thing with me, is I create a lot of problems. Not on purpose, I don't go out and say, "yes. Today I will make sure is total Mayhem."
But I don't avoid trouble.

I am an alcoholic and I want chaos. It stimulates me. If I see trouble I go towards it. And as an alcoholic in recovery, I know there is a solution.  I know there are things I can do to get rid of that turmoil. But currently, I am not taking steps in that direction. I am heading towards trouble too much.

I'm scared. Im scared of a life of content. I'm scared because it is unknown to me. Crazy is what I know and what I'm good at.
But I'm also ready. And I have begun to do what I need to do to head towards a positive direction. Less crazy.

I still need to keep working and striving for this but even just having the realization that things are not just happening to me but I am causing them to happen is helpful. And luckily I am not trying to get sober. I have not had a relapse or drank. I do need more sober things in my life however.

I need to stop going out to where the party is constantly and worry less about them and more about me.

I wrote before how I find good people. I have good energy and I am not afraid of that.

Good things are on the horizon. I know it.
My best friend is about to have a baby. If that is not a miracle I don't know what is.

At this point it's about managing crazy. I am at a point in my life where crazy things will continue to happen, growing up is crazy. But I have tools to stay calm.

My initial response to chaos is panic because I am constantly in a state of panic and when shit hits the fan I get to go full pyscho. But I can't do that anymore.

And just like I couldn't predict this year, I can't predict what's coming next. I don't know if life will calm down, or get more intense. I'm thinking the ladder. I still have so much living to do. I have no crystal ball reader to tell me what to prepare for.

But I do have crystals that I have acquired this year, literally and figuratively.

I've started to find out that life is less about figuring out what's it all about and more about action. Yes, you can get to the root of problems but if you just sit and stew on them you get no where. Life is about one foot in front of the other. There are trips, stumbles and falls along the way. But you can't quit every time you fall. In fact you can't quit at all. And you certainly can't stand still because, you won't get anywhere.

Gettin Jiggy Wit It

I haven't done a music blog post in a lonng time. And I've been hearing some good stuff, especially as this nice weather creeps in and you want to feel good...

Here's Yabs top picks:

Yes, yas, YAS. Two of my favs rolled into one.

Jack U is crazy good, obviously. It's Diplo and Skrillex.

Everything by Galantis I love. 

obsessed. 

And of course, 

My Side VS. Their Side

I think I need to work on compassion, understanding and most of all tolerance. 
(And it's interesting that I'm saying and writing all of this because I just went to a meeting that dealt with resentments, and having tolerance, and I am working to get rid of my character defects in my step work....
Life is all relevant.)

Lately I've been feeling all, " O woe is me! Everyone has wronged me! THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET ME."

Um how about we take it back a second Yab?


I need to work to understand that other people's day to day, is different than mine and we all have out own personal goals that may not connect or coincide.

I need to be more compassionate throughout my life for other people and what they have to deal with and go through.

And I need to be waaay more tolerant, of peoples time and needs. The differences we have in each of us is what makes living so colorful,
and sometimes I lose sight of that.

All of these things I have listed, go hand in hand. 

And I think it's takes a lot on my part, not just me, but the collective my part. You could almost say the we. 
I can not be so selfish all the time and think I have the worst slice of cake or the stalest cupcake. Because although things are shitty for me sometimes, they may be far worse for others. Especially for what others are not telling the rest of the world. The things people are keeping quite. The stale icing that people eat off the cupcake because they want to be polite.

I am not sorry for blogging, because it's what I do. But I'm sorry if I make it seem like my problems are so huge. Because they are not.

I'm not just talking about the kids I work with in North Philly, who are dealing with more than a shitty hand of cards, but a whole fucking deck, but I also mean everyone else. Like the person who says a snarky comment to me and I get pissed. Maybe I think I am working hard, but in some aspect of their life, they are working harder than me.
And it's not just being humble...but actually practicing humility.

I am grateful for so many things. One thing that I think I have, either acquired or developed, is the practice of digesting things. This can be either a good thing or bad thing, a double edged sword really. Someone may say something to me and it might eat away at me and drive me crazy without realizing it. However, sometimes it may make me think in a different way and deeper than I was before.

I do not mean to chastise people or burn them with the things I write. I've written before that it's hard to write publicly because you're writing about your experience.
The thing is though, my experience with a situation may be totally different from a person I've shared that interaction with.

There are three sides to every story: My side, your side and what really happened.
I know my side, we may never know what really happened, but I can hear your side.
I'm opening my ears.

Understanding is something I really strive for but I think maybe sometimes I lose perspective while writing so personally.

I tend to come to my own conclusions while writing and talking aloud. But I heard it once said, that a person that comes up with a question can not find the solution on their own. Which has never really made sense to me until now.

So I need to work on some things and I need to leave things a little more open ended and look at the situation rather than the solution or the conclusion.

I will conclude... with that. Oops.