Casual Dating.

So, I have entered the dating world. I now am a casual dater.
Up until a couple of months ago, dating was unfathomable  to me. I thought it was just something I would never do. Then I was like... fuck it.
And I've entered a new stage in life.
Casual Dating.

So yes. This is all new to me. But if nothing else, it is truly fascinating. I am learning so much.

I guess there a lot of rules and guide lines? I've picked up my own along the way, and as any new person to dating will tell you, your friends who do, OR DON'T, date... will have a lot of advice.





So let's go over a few bullet points, 
here are tips I have either come up with throughout this process or tips directly from my friends:

- one date does not mean you will ever see that person again
Which honestly was a revelation to me. All of the relationships I have had, intimate or not, have been pretty long lasting. So to realize you might have dinner or coffee with someone and never see them again was a shocking concept to me.

-if you know you don't like the guy but are looking to get laid, sleep with him right away and he won't really call ever again so you won't really have to deal with him ever again
-- on the reverse if you do like them, "wait for three dates
- If you do like him don't sleep with him on the first date, and some say wait until the third date. And trusted sources say wait a month in order to see if you really like them.

- Some say if you really like them don't kiss on the first date

- If you do plan on kissing, don't wear lipstick.

- dinner is a bigger deal than coffee or drinks.

- "only bring enough money in your wallet for a taxi cab home."

- "Never ever take someone home you meet in a casino in Nevada... and I mean like the middle of nowhere Nevada"

- Just because they buy you food, doesn't mean you owe them anything.

- "No real estate agents, actors or models" and no actors/models, obviously.

- Men are hunters, they enjoy a chase, don't give everything away right away. Make them hunt and chase a bit or they get bored.

- "go to a restaurant with low lighting." *Italian restaurants are key*

- Date foods are tricky. Be careful. Absolutely no spaghetti or garlic.

- "Always wear a bra"

- If you ask someone out, you should pay, if they ask, they pay


- "trust your instincts"

- Make your own rules but listen to what your friends have to say

While collecting dating tips from my friends I also got some interesting relationship advice that I shall pass along as some extra tidbits of advice:

"I never regain trust so fuckin leave when it happens the first time ... But idk if that's just me "

"If he doesn't text or call or initiate hangouts? He's just not that into you."

"It's a marathon not a race, Gab."

... Ok. 

"If you have any suspicions or feel something in your gut- don't be afraid to investigate. Or just ask the person"

"Don't go through someone's phone, some things aren't meant to be known."

 

"Don't put up with bullshit, because if they give you shit in the beginning, they will forever"

"Fuck love. Everyone lies to you." 

"You can't change people. Don't try to."

Tinder Tip of the Week:

If you don't know this by now, I will let you in on a little secret, I like social experiments. I like seeing how different people react in the same situation. I also hangout with a lot of dudes, and I've heard them talk about tinder and I've also asked them about tinder. My conclusion, men are on tinder to get laid. Which we all already knew, let's be real, but I think it's all time we stop looking for love on tinder because that's not what the men are using it for. And of course they are exceptions to every rule, but this is what I have concluded from my research.

I hope this week's relationship advice was helpful, from the most unsuccessful dater out there.

loljk but you know, dating is fun! So have fun! #livelaughlove #blessed #swiperight

Dealing With Crazy.

Sometimes, life gets crazy.
And then it gets crazier.
And then when you think you're at the maximum capacity, it gets just a little bit more insane.

If I were have gone to a psychic, this time last year and she told me, verbatim, how this year was going to go I would have laughed and shit my pants at the same time. There was no way to predict how the past 12 months have gone.

I have thought that the past year has been crazy, but the past few weeks have been a concentrated nuttiness.

I've had a lot of people yell at me, I've yelled at a lot of people, I've had dumb things happen and I've done dumb things. I've had some realizations and I've been reprioritizing my life.

And then the worst thing happened... my dog died.

I've been fearing losing one of my boxers for a little while now and it happen, as I suspected, at a horrible time very unexpectedly.

My puppy Jasper was only 6 years old, when he passed away this week. He was having trouble walking the week earlier and when my mom took him to the doctor, they thought it was something wrong with his hips and legs. Throughout the week he got progressively worse and by the weekend he couldn't walk at all so we took him to the doggie ER.
I am very thankful I happened to be home this weekend when we took him to the hospital. I haven't been home in a couple of weeks, which I am sad about because I didn't get to see him a whole lot in the past month, but by the grace of God, I was there to help take him to the ER and be there for my mom who has been there all day.

The ode to Jasper is soon to come.

* Let me just say right now, this post has been sitting in my drafts. I have been waiting until I have a chance to sit down and write to finish it but I have been brainstorming in my head. At one point I was going to write about rainbows...

After certain storms, there are rainbows. A silver lining. And things get better. That is what I thought until now...

Let me also say this, I have the worst luck. Please restrain me if I ever tell you I am going to a casino because I will lose it all on a glitter cat slot machine. I have shit for luck.

Things aren't getting better. But maybe, alas I say it again, MAYBE ITS LIFE.  As we get older our problems get more insane and serious then they did when we were five and got upset about taking a turn on the swings.

But you see the thing with me, is I create a lot of problems. Not on purpose, I don't go out and say, "yes. Today I will make sure is total Mayhem."
But I don't avoid trouble.

I am an alcoholic and I want chaos. It stimulates me. If I see trouble I go towards it. And as an alcoholic in recovery, I know there is a solution.  I know there are things I can do to get rid of that turmoil. But currently, I am not taking steps in that direction. I am heading towards trouble too much.

I'm scared. Im scared of a life of content. I'm scared because it is unknown to me. Crazy is what I know and what I'm good at.
But I'm also ready. And I have begun to do what I need to do to head towards a positive direction. Less crazy.

I still need to keep working and striving for this but even just having the realization that things are not just happening to me but I am causing them to happen is helpful. And luckily I am not trying to get sober. I have not had a relapse or drank. I do need more sober things in my life however.

I need to stop going out to where the party is constantly and worry less about them and more about me.

I wrote before how I find good people. I have good energy and I am not afraid of that.

Good things are on the horizon. I know it.
My best friend is about to have a baby. If that is not a miracle I don't know what is.

At this point it's about managing crazy. I am at a point in my life where crazy things will continue to happen, growing up is crazy. But I have tools to stay calm.

My initial response to chaos is panic because I am constantly in a state of panic and when shit hits the fan I get to go full pyscho. But I can't do that anymore.

And just like I couldn't predict this year, I can't predict what's coming next. I don't know if life will calm down, or get more intense. I'm thinking the ladder. I still have so much living to do. I have no crystal ball reader to tell me what to prepare for.

But I do have crystals that I have acquired this year, literally and figuratively.

I've started to find out that life is less about figuring out what's it all about and more about action. Yes, you can get to the root of problems but if you just sit and stew on them you get no where. Life is about one foot in front of the other. There are trips, stumbles and falls along the way. But you can't quit every time you fall. In fact you can't quit at all. And you certainly can't stand still because, you won't get anywhere.

Gettin Jiggy Wit It

I haven't done a music blog post in a lonng time. And I've been hearing some good stuff, especially as this nice weather creeps in and you want to feel good...

Here's Yabs top picks:

Yes, yas, YAS. Two of my favs rolled into one.

Jack U is crazy good, obviously. It's Diplo and Skrillex.

Everything by Galantis I love. 

obsessed. 

And of course, 

My Side VS. Their Side

I think I need to work on compassion, understanding and most of all tolerance. 
(And it's interesting that I'm saying and writing all of this because I just went to a meeting that dealt with resentments, and having tolerance, and I am working to get rid of my character defects in my step work....
Life is all relevant.)

Lately I've been feeling all, " O woe is me! Everyone has wronged me! THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET ME."

Um how about we take it back a second Yab?


I need to work to understand that other people's day to day, is different than mine and we all have out own personal goals that may not connect or coincide.

I need to be more compassionate throughout my life for other people and what they have to deal with and go through.

And I need to be waaay more tolerant, of peoples time and needs. The differences we have in each of us is what makes living so colorful,
and sometimes I lose sight of that.

All of these things I have listed, go hand in hand. 

And I think it's takes a lot on my part, not just me, but the collective my part. You could almost say the we. 
I can not be so selfish all the time and think I have the worst slice of cake or the stalest cupcake. Because although things are shitty for me sometimes, they may be far worse for others. Especially for what others are not telling the rest of the world. The things people are keeping quite. The stale icing that people eat off the cupcake because they want to be polite.

I am not sorry for blogging, because it's what I do. But I'm sorry if I make it seem like my problems are so huge. Because they are not.

I'm not just talking about the kids I work with in North Philly, who are dealing with more than a shitty hand of cards, but a whole fucking deck, but I also mean everyone else. Like the person who says a snarky comment to me and I get pissed. Maybe I think I am working hard, but in some aspect of their life, they are working harder than me.
And it's not just being humble...but actually practicing humility.

I am grateful for so many things. One thing that I think I have, either acquired or developed, is the practice of digesting things. This can be either a good thing or bad thing, a double edged sword really. Someone may say something to me and it might eat away at me and drive me crazy without realizing it. However, sometimes it may make me think in a different way and deeper than I was before.

I do not mean to chastise people or burn them with the things I write. I've written before that it's hard to write publicly because you're writing about your experience.
The thing is though, my experience with a situation may be totally different from a person I've shared that interaction with.

There are three sides to every story: My side, your side and what really happened.
I know my side, we may never know what really happened, but I can hear your side.
I'm opening my ears.

Understanding is something I really strive for but I think maybe sometimes I lose perspective while writing so personally.

I tend to come to my own conclusions while writing and talking aloud. But I heard it once said, that a person that comes up with a question can not find the solution on their own. Which has never really made sense to me until now.

So I need to work on some things and I need to leave things a little more open ended and look at the situation rather than the solution or the conclusion.

I will conclude... with that. Oops.

It Is Finished. (but we already knew that)

Anytime I had a conversation with my 'ex' about emotions or "what we were doing", it never went the way I foresaw it going. Which means we were never, ever on the same page. From the first time I tried to figure out "what we were doing"... things did not go well. That initial conversation should have been a tell tale sign that things were not going to end well. And they didn't. They did not end well. The final break up was over the phone, four months ago, followed up by a controversial blog post on my part. Say hello to part two of that blog post... 

I think me writing that blog put up a big do not enter sign on my door, whether on purpose or by mistake. The door closed at that point. 

But I would be lying if I said a part of me was not hoping he called. Of course I was hoping he'd call. Things ended so abrupt.
Although if you think about it, it was not abrupt at all.

The night prior to me saying "I'm done," on the phone, was a literal shit show. I had had a Christmas party and when we were finally alone I had tried to roll him out of my bed while he was passed out because I was so angry at him. I took all of the pillows off the bed and threw them on the floor, except mine. But somehow I woke up with him on my pillow and me sleeping on him. I don't know how long I expected that to go on...

I currently am in a state of frustration. It is only a matter of time until I run into this human. Whether I like it or not. Philadelphia is small.
I feel bad for people who have dated within their group of friends because seeing your ex that often would drive one mad. It causes people to lose friends, I'm sure.
(Not saying me and this person dated.
Because we didn't. There were no dates. )
I waited and waited for him to call and he never did. I guess I wasn't worth fighting for. Which is fine. It wasn't meant to be. But now, every weekend I go out and the possibility of seeing him is constantly looming over my head. That is maybe more maddening then knowing you will see someone. 

I'm over this relationship and I'm ready to move on with my life. But I feel that when you have that exact attitude, that's when people jump up out of no where. Like, "HAI HI HERE I AM. IT'S ME. HELLO." I guess God truly does work in mysterious ways but, lord almighty. Send him away. Transfer him somewhere. Or let it happen already.

It's not that I'm scared or frightened to see him. It's that I think it will be at the most inopportune time. And I am nervous he will yell at me for my blog... to which there will be a giant afuckayew. 

Obviously there's a bit of closure that's lacking. I mean yes I have given my piece to the Internet. We all know how I feel about the situation, but I've had no response back. He never called ever. I haven't seen him. I said a brief merry Christmas but that's it 

Maybe we will never have enough closure though. Maybe even if I did see him every weekend and he called the next day I would still feel uneasy. Maybe that's life. It's just part of the moving on process. It's never quick and easy. And the quick and easy way is never the right way. 

I could sit there and pretend I'm un-phased. Sit pretty, happy and act calm and collected. But I'm Yab. I'm a writer and I leave my thoughts on the page and I can not keep holding on to anger and hate. Worrying about something that won't happen, especially when I expect it to. This is something you can't expect.
Breaking up, growing up, showing up, moving on, living life is hard. But it's life. And we must continue onward and upward. Let go, and live life.

Sometimes I Hide in my Shower.

I hope you're ready cause Yab is about to turn the heat up in the kitchen.
I have my period and I fucked up my birth control, so the PMS bitch is amplified x1000.

So, uh... LET'S GET CRACKING SHALL WE?!

I am angry. I am pissed off. I am tired. And I am annoyed as all fucking hell.

At this point in the night however, I have calmed down. So I begin...

Just Kidding, what do you think this is cinder-fucking-ella? No, Yaberiella. UHDUH. 

One quality I feel I have is being a good friend. It's something I have has always posesssed and it may be one of my most redeeming qualities (if I do say so myself). It has brought incredible people into my life. I feel what you give out to the universe, you get back.

I have always had good friends. And I try to be there for people. As much as possible. I feel that is the most important thing for a friendship. Being there. Whether it's on the phone, or showing up.

(I must also *note, I am watching the HBO doc on scientology, so I apologize if this starts to get weird)

But sometimes, Karma doesn't always work in your favor. I've had friends who have turned into frenmies too many times. At this point in my life, I don't do that anymore. I just don't put up with bullshit.
I'm 24. If you want to be my friend, wonderful, I'll gladly accept! If not, goodbye.

And being a friend to me isn't just shooting the shit, it's getting down to the nitty gritty and like I said being there. Supporting each other. If that goes away and fades, buhbye. I honestly have a lot of friends and I don't want frenimes.

Maybe, this is why me and my ex didn't work out. It was pretty physical and the support was seriously lacking. He wasn't there for me. So, I said, "buhbye."

But I will say, the one thing I hate about break ups is losing a person from your life. I like people. I like friends, I hate losing friends, even if that's what has to happen. I've never really kept in contact with someone after a break up. I think it's easier that way, but that's the only way I know.

I had like a really nice weekend and a really rough weekend squished into one.
Like I said, PMS monster is out, so I just don't really feel good.

My mother is probably the only person that knows what I mean, when I call her up and say, "I don't feel good."
The sound of my voice gives away if it's mental or physical.
When I was really, really depressed a couple years back I would have some very bad days.
 And all I would need to say to my mom is, "I don't feel good." And she knew what I meant.

I still have some I-dont-feel-good-days, as we all do.

Today was one of those days. I worked very closely with a student, that I'm barely equipted to handle, I want to drown myself in chocolate, I'm tired and I just don't feel good.

And this makes me feel better because it also is something only me and my mom understand:

These days, one thing that does calm me down, is water.
I don't have... an exactly clean shower, but I find myself sitting in it a lot. When things get too much for me, I sit in my shower and watch the water. Is that weird? I don't care. I don't cry. I don't mope. I just let the water hit me and forget about everything. There is something about water that has always set me free. When I was a kid, and still to this day, I can stay in the ocean for an entire day and not get tired of it. I love water and it calms and chills me the fuck out.

Some of this, 

...some of this. 

Today I sat in my shower while listening to olds school BS.
Such as:

and 

yup. Again, the period-ness.

I know what calms me. And that's what it is, 

water and BS. 

I would really, really like a rainy day. An excuse to post up in my bedroom and not leave. 

I love that it's getting sunny but I also want a day to not feel bad about posting up hard. 

I don't really think this blog was about anything particular, and I can into with more gusto than I came out. But hey, as long as you're not involved in Scientology, everyone is a winner here. 

I started off writing this in a very bad mood, but after eating some wonderfully done chicken, by chef Latona Jr., I am feeling less of a monster. Oh and there was also B&J involved, with a cookie core. If you don't know what I mean by that get with the mother fucking program (*hint: ben and jerrys).

It's baffling and amazing to me what writing does for me. It's not a way to always get a point across, or make total sense and prove the world wrong. But it's just a way to calm my thoughts and make sense of myself. I could compare it to my serenity with water if I was more clever... But it's way past my bed time and I can't. 

The Boy Who Vanished From My Life.

I wrote a couple months ago about how I let someone out of my life and I said, " I didn't realize it was the last time I would see them." Which in retrospect, was incredibly overly dramatic. I will see that person, probably sooner than later... And I can be a drama queen. 

But there is a boy, from my life, who has completed vanished, and I am more than heart broken about it. 

One of the founding stories, of the program I work for is called The Starfish Story. Here it is :

I loved hearing this story during training because anyone from my beloved summer camp could tell you that story. It was told during our campfires and would give me chills.
It wasn't just a founding story for my job. It was a foundational story of my youth and was incredibly inspirational to hear going into a new working environment. 

This job, has been nothing that I expected, but to be honest with you, I didn't know what to expect. 

I feel I am more of an open person, now and I'm jaded at the same time. 

But back to starfish and the boy who has left my life... 

I have spent the past school year with a seventh grade boys classroom so I have been surrounded by boys all day. For 7 months. Burping, farting, dick eating. I've heard and seen it all, at this point. 

From the beginning there was one child that I knew was gonna be my babuh.
He was Puerto Rican, little, curly voluminous hair and a mouth on him that could curse out a sailor. But he was adorably sweet with me, and probably only me because we were cut from the same cloth. Not in looks or background, but the way we viewed the world. And I loved him so much. He was one of the few kids I could always get to actually do work with me and even though he was so silly I could see him making progress, I could get shit done with him. He was my starfish.  

So a couple days before Christmas break he wasn't in school, which was typical- he had horrible attendance. He would tell me, that he would stay home from school to watch TV.... WONDERFUL. We were working on that, but it was unbeknownst to me that that was what I should have been focusing on. 

He never returned to school. 

And there is high probability he never will.

It's hard when everything you are working against, comes and knocks you upside the head. This is the opposite of Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds.  This is the kid I thought I could save, being the first one to fail.

I have tried to fight to get this kid back in school but I can't do much. 

Phone lines go dead, his brother's rarely in school, the mother's apparently in jail... 

A lot of teachers thought this kid was a pain in the ass and had his head in the clouds, but I really did believe in him, so much.

I give it up to teachers, especially the ones in tough environments and those who teach children with disabilities. It takes a whole lot more than patience. 

At the beginning of all this I was so pumped. Now I'm feeling like I did nothing this year except try to make myself feel better. How many other kids will I lose, without even knowing about it? How many kids have no one to lose them? 

I've always thought my life was so hard and yea, we all have struggles but I thank god every night I am where I am and I have the things I do.
My version of hard, is luxury for a lot of fucking people. 

To be honest, if I have just made myself feel better this year than I guess I am "making better happen" and I'll tell you this, I didn't make things worse.

I push my boys. I expect them to do better. And if someone sets that expectation then at least they'll take that away. If nothing else, they'll remember my laugh and I know that makes people smile. 

No, I haven't given up on humanity, I just see a little bit more of it. And I want to keep helping and stop losing kids to fucked up shit.

Although I will never know what happens to this kid, I will never forget him. Maybe, probably, I will never see him again but lord almighty, I will never forget him.