The Muggy Haze of Summers Past and Present.

WAAAAKKKEEE UPPP 

(This post was written in June 2014 but not published until July and a lot has changed but bare with me yabbers)

Summer 2014 is a weird time for me.

I have written about summer, a couple of times, including my ode to summer 11. (which literally makes me cry when I read).

Summer has been a pivotal season in my life. My birthday is at the end of August, so that always closes the season nicely. But aside from my birthday going on.... Late May- Early September is always a seriously emotional time.

I have had some of the best and worst times of my life during the summer.
It brings me love and heart break, incredibly good sunny sunny days and flooding thunder storms.

Point and case:

Summer 07- I was an LIT at YMCA Camp Tockwogh- gained leadership skills and life long friend ships. I first tried pot, drank a lot, had my heart broken by a friend and a lover, went on a family road trip.

07 birthed the nickname: Gabgab2000

Summer 08- Was a CIT at camp, which was horrible because I had the worst training by leaders in higher positions, then I became a Junior Counselor and blocked out all of my horrible CIT times. JC was amazing. I learned how to drink like a champ, oh lost my V card... and had some wild times... I learned what the term "fresh meat" was.

Summer 09- Senior week!! I worked at Tockwogh as a counselor (a long awaited position), again drank like a champ and more, made incredible friendships, oh and ya know got fired from my camp for me pants-less and wasted in the middle of the night after a long night out... Got sent to my first alcohol counseling... WENT OFF TO COLLEGE.

1413, G-spot, Seni09 houuuse

1st citation of my life... the 1st of many..

good bye ocean shitty

fsu for life.

Summer 10- had an amazing first month. Learned how amazing the city Buffalo was. Went into my first psychosis... -_-

Summer 11- Ah.mazing. Read the ode.  But incredibly painful and horrible. Questionably fell in love? Moved all over Btv. Wasn't speaking to my mom really. Was a total mess but had more fun than anyone should.

[not including any pictures because you need to look at the ode and get the full experience]

Summer 12- not great. Was in recovery from second psychosis. meh

Summer 13- Second sober summer. Pretty calm to be honest. But learned to love Philly. Went to a music festival sober, had a horrible time which turned into a really fun time. Saw a lot of shows... good times over all, but again pretty calm.

Summer 14- .... Moving into the city....? Already amazing.
[look at last blog post for pictachs]


It's a bizarre time. We grow up learning that from June- August there are little to no responsibilities. As a child this is practically engrained into us. I mean, I'm not saying that's why summer was created, I have no fucking idea how summer was created... I mean I guess it just has to do with the weather...?
But it's a total break from reality.
In Philly it gets so fucking hot, you basically lose touch with reality... I can't imagine even being in the south during these months.

Summer is extremely hazy, weather-wise and in life. All the days run into each other. Kids don't have school, the it's nice out and the days are long.

Adjusting from being a student to a young-real-life-adult can be strugg city. There no longer is that break. You have to manage work and play, and of course, there's so much opportunity and temptation to fuck around it's hard to stay focused on life. AH.

For me it's hard to not want the highs and lows and having to just be content.
I don't get the drama anymore but I don't get the crazy that I chased so hard.
Summer is really fucking hard for me now and being a sober sally. It's an even more serious balancing act than the rest of the year, which is already really fucking difficult.

And let me just tell you... I dont know WHAT IT IS. But as of recently... I CAN NOT DEAL WITH THE HEAT. Fucking throw me in a frozen tundra with a heat lamp and I'd be happy as a clam. But fucking put me in the middle of a Philadelphia, black, paved, street, walking home from god knows where, AND I LITERALLY WANT TO MURDER SOMEONE.
I don't think I ever minded the heat before because I was always near some body of water but O MY LANTA, it's killing me these days. LORD SAVE ME.

TAKKKKEEEEE MEEEE TOOO YOURRR LEAAADEEERRRRRR

But you know mang, summer is chill... except for the fact that it's literally the opposite of chill..



But currently, Summer 2014 (as of July), is really quite amazing and, like I said before, pivotal... so we shall see what happens......

Starting Over

I didn't relapse hold the phone, but for a while I have been at a standstill.

I made it to a year sober, yay...

glitter for one year.

But like, what am I doing? 
I don't go to meetings, have a sponsor, and I haven't gone through the steps. So like what am I actually accomplishing?

For a while I had the mind set that I would go back to drinking. I thought I'd complete a year and then I'd get back into it again. I didn't think I'd go out and get inebriated but I def was planning out summer events were I planned to be drunk.
Before that, I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I could live without alcohol, which I did. I made it to a year.
Somehow however, my thinking changed before I got to March 20th.
I'd say around January, I started to think that maybe, I wouldn't drink after a year.  I started to like the way things were going really well, for a change.
The desire to get fucked up was still there, of course, but the pros out wayed the cons.
However, I was not focusing on recovery.

So a couple of weeks ago I was in the right place at the right time.

the sky aligned, 

right place, right time.

timing is everything.

I went over to my aunt and uncles for a family bbq and ran into my first alcohol counselor. I hadn't seen this woman since right before I left for college and I was a mess. At that time I was fighting with my parents about wether or not I would do an out patient rehab program in vt while I started school. I was determined to get as far away from this woman as possible. Now, I was so surprised and happy to see her.
She casually asked me how I was doing, probably noticing the plastic cup in my hand and thinking there was something other than water in it. I started talking to her, telling her I moved home and was going to Temple, which she seemed suprised about. Then I told her I was a year sober. She was stoked, like so stoked. She told me she had a couple of Temple students at the program I use to go to (which is for teens and young adults) and to come by and meet some people.
I told her I def would. I also said to her that I don't go to meetings and she said there was a meeting right after group I could go to if I wanted to.
I thought well..... why the fuck not.

So this thursday I got in my car and drove over to my old stompings grounds, to this time maybe not be so much of a little stubborn bitch.

I'm past the point were I don't want help. I need help, constantly, with my life and everything else. I'm not helpless, but I'm willing to ask for help and go get help when I need it....... most of the time.

So after group I went to an AA meeting.

OMG. First one of the year.
It was awesome.

The past meetings I have been to, which have been like a handful, I've definitely related to people but I've never felt comfortable. This was the first time I wanted to keep coming back.
The meeting was full of young people, which was a sigh of relief for me. During the meeting, I silently decided I needed to get a sponsor. I knew who I wanted to talk to afterwards about becoming my sponsor. After the meeting I ran towards her and faced my fears and asked her to be my sponsor.

So I got a sponsor! 

I'm super excited about all this. I went to a meeting last night and am going to another one tonight.

I think I was half ass-ing it until now... obviously I was. I like to minimize my problems.
When I think about how I use to party, I think about just that... the party, not the hangover.

In order for me to complete my goals and more importantly stay out of the hospital I have to stay healthy and sober.

Going back to the begining song in all this. "If I can be an example of getting sober" which I've now done, "then I can be an example of starting over". I want to be someone people look up to and learn from. One of my favorite things to do in life is help my friends through the experiences I have and the things I've been. Now, I'm, as they say, gaining the tools for my tool belt to do just that.







What a fucking cheese ball way to end a post.