No I in Frend.

I was one of those kids that you could see running around at music festivals, even more then just music festivals. My Dad and step-mom are very artsy and exposed me to good music and food at a young age. The arts are a big part of our lives. I've always gone with them to arts fesitvals and concerts. I can't remember my first time seeing live music or camping.

Last summer I wasn't really able to go to any concerts or do any festivals but like I said in my last post this summer is extremly different from the last.

A couple of years ago I went to the Phish music festival, Super Ball, with my dear friend Allison. I think that might have been my first music festival without my parents.
It was super fun but we did get there late and leave early, so that was kind of a bummer.

This weekend I attended my first sober music festival- but I guess that's not really true since, like I said, I went to them as a kid... but you know what I mean.

I wasn't really nervous about going to this festival, The Frendly Gathering, because I don't need drugs or alcohol anymore to have a good time. I did prepare myself that I would be tempted to do things but I knew I would be able to handel myself. However, I was extremely unprepared for this experience, literally and physically.

Let me start at the very beginning, because that is a good place to start... (anyone get that?)

Friday:
Woke up at 5am, got a speeding ticket in New York, ran over a turtle on a Vermont highway, finally arrived at Magic Mountain parked the car and waited in a two hour line to get to where we were camping... no cell service.
Found our camp site... after much searching... and proceeded to set up our tent, which took far too long.
People at this point started drinking, if they weren't drunk already. Then finally we went down to the main stage at the bottom of the mountain and heard some tunes. I ran into one of my favorite humans in the world, +Zachary Allott. That was probs a highlight of the day.
It had rained the night before and it was quite moist everywhere. O so then... IT STARTS DOWN POURING.
There were around 20, give or take, people in the group I was camping with. When it started raining we all huddled around the pop up tent and handels and beers started getting passed around. I took a step back and literally just walked out into the rain on my own.
I had my bathing suit on and a festival to explore. It was actually awesome walking around in the rain. I ran into some of my babuhs and buddies.
After the rain subsided we saw some more music and I changed into a few more outfits. There were several times I wandered off on my own.
By late night I was tired but it was good to be surrounded by so many frends.
One thing I've never noticed before was that drunk people can be really rude. At this point people were getting annoying and rude so I decided to go to bed. I went into my tent and I stumbled upon a puddle directly in the middle of my tent OH JOY. I cleaned it up with towels and then got into my sleeping bag... which was sopping wet.... I started silently, but surely, crying.
The day was just too much to handel.
So I prayed, read a reflection book that I had with me, and thought about all the things I appreciated about that moment and the overall day. I just prayed that I could sleep through the night.
Over all Friday was horrible. 

Saturday:
I woke up Saturday to Rita screaming my name. I slept through the entire night which was good. Miraculously I had cell service so I called my mom and told her how things were not going well...
I was planning on this trip being difficult because of temptation not because of dealing with other people. All of my triggers were around me- from dealing with the cops, to dealing with people I hate- but I was really proud of how I handled myself.
After bacon was made and consumed, a group of us ventured to a lake and then a VT farmers market. This morning set the day off on a totally different foot. When we got back the sun was shining and glitter was shimmering. We went down to a pond and watched Twiddle preform and it was the most hippy dippy thing I've ever seen.
The Burton main stage smelled like pure shit but the music sounded good. My dear friend, and inspiring entrepreneur, (Mr. Brian Sommers) went on a rigorous hike, met some people, and had some good talks. Then we ventured back to my campsite then off to see more music.
Like Friday, there were several times I wandered off on my own during shows like Conspirator. It was nice to just not be surrounded by people and step back and watch the craziness that was ensuing. It was really fascinating. It really would have been nice to have someone to wander off with but I am also happy with my best friend... Yup. Me.
All of the performances on Saturday were really cool and I all together had a much much better day. The cherry on the top was being front and center for @paperdiamond. I womped my face off.
Over all Saturday was pretty awesome. 

Burton Tent- made a dream catcher... CRAFTS. 

Sunday:
We got packed up and on the road by 9:30am, and home to PA by 3:00pm.
When I got home I was exhausted physically and emotionally.


So overall...
It was about a 7 out of 10 for a weekend.

It was wonderful to see my friends, but hard to be around them while they were so fucked up.
Being surrounded by music I knew I there would be no way I wouldn't have had a good time.

I will def go to another festival when I can but next time I will hopefully have a buddy.

No drugs and I still look insane. 

Starting Over

I didn't relapse hold the phone, but for a while I have been at a standstill.

I made it to a year sober, yay...

glitter for one year.

But like, what am I doing? 
I don't go to meetings, have a sponsor, and I haven't gone through the steps. So like what am I actually accomplishing?

For a while I had the mind set that I would go back to drinking. I thought I'd complete a year and then I'd get back into it again. I didn't think I'd go out and get inebriated but I def was planning out summer events were I planned to be drunk.
Before that, I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I could live without alcohol, which I did. I made it to a year.
Somehow however, my thinking changed before I got to March 20th.
I'd say around January, I started to think that maybe, I wouldn't drink after a year.  I started to like the way things were going really well, for a change.
The desire to get fucked up was still there, of course, but the pros out wayed the cons.
However, I was not focusing on recovery.

So a couple of weeks ago I was in the right place at the right time.

the sky aligned, 

right place, right time.

timing is everything.

I went over to my aunt and uncles for a family bbq and ran into my first alcohol counselor. I hadn't seen this woman since right before I left for college and I was a mess. At that time I was fighting with my parents about wether or not I would do an out patient rehab program in vt while I started school. I was determined to get as far away from this woman as possible. Now, I was so surprised and happy to see her.
She casually asked me how I was doing, probably noticing the plastic cup in my hand and thinking there was something other than water in it. I started talking to her, telling her I moved home and was going to Temple, which she seemed suprised about. Then I told her I was a year sober. She was stoked, like so stoked. She told me she had a couple of Temple students at the program I use to go to (which is for teens and young adults) and to come by and meet some people.
I told her I def would. I also said to her that I don't go to meetings and she said there was a meeting right after group I could go to if I wanted to.
I thought well..... why the fuck not.

So this thursday I got in my car and drove over to my old stompings grounds, to this time maybe not be so much of a little stubborn bitch.

I'm past the point were I don't want help. I need help, constantly, with my life and everything else. I'm not helpless, but I'm willing to ask for help and go get help when I need it....... most of the time.

So after group I went to an AA meeting.

OMG. First one of the year.
It was awesome.

The past meetings I have been to, which have been like a handful, I've definitely related to people but I've never felt comfortable. This was the first time I wanted to keep coming back.
The meeting was full of young people, which was a sigh of relief for me. During the meeting, I silently decided I needed to get a sponsor. I knew who I wanted to talk to afterwards about becoming my sponsor. After the meeting I ran towards her and faced my fears and asked her to be my sponsor.

So I got a sponsor! 

I'm super excited about all this. I went to a meeting last night and am going to another one tonight.

I think I was half ass-ing it until now... obviously I was. I like to minimize my problems.
When I think about how I use to party, I think about just that... the party, not the hangover.

In order for me to complete my goals and more importantly stay out of the hospital I have to stay healthy and sober.

Going back to the begining song in all this. "If I can be an example of getting sober" which I've now done, "then I can be an example of starting over". I want to be someone people look up to and learn from. One of my favorite things to do in life is help my friends through the experiences I have and the things I've been. Now, I'm, as they say, gaining the tools for my tool belt to do just that.







What a fucking cheese ball way to end a post.

Gatsby and Daisy

I guess I'm not really sleeping tonight...

Which is kinda ok because it's offically summmmmmer '13

Tonight I saw the 9:30 showing of The Great Gatsby, by one of my favorite directors, Baz lauhzerman, with my seester and brother. 

I just want someone to love me as much as Gatsby loved Daisy.

IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
My sister said that one day someone will love me that much and she said it will be my cats.

I think Gatsbys love was so deep and sincere. He did everything, like everything, for Daisy.
Not to be confused as "he did everything for her", like incapacitated her, but everything he did was for her.
There's a line in the film where Nick says something about the way Gatsby looked at Daisy. He looked at her in the way every girl wishes a man would look at her. I'm still waiting for that look.

I want someone to truly deeply love me. Not in a creep stalker way but a true, sincere way.

Like every time he says I love you it's as if he has been holding it in forever because he can't tell you every second of every minute, and he's constantly telling how beautiful you are not because he wants to get in your pants because it's just what he sees.

And there is a difference from infatuation and real love.

Loving someone deeply is more than wanting them so badly. It's wanting them to be happy and doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Wanting to be with them forever. Even if love is fleeting, the feeling of wanting to be with someone forever should be there even if it's for a brief moment.

I don't know much about love because the few times I have experienced it I have been young and the feelings have been brief.

I do know I will continue to hope for a love so great it's beyond my imagination. All I can do is give out the love I have and get what I deserve in return. Keep the bar set high.
I don't want someone who is going to try and change me or steer me in a different direction from where I'm going. There is however, always room for improvement. I do want someone who makes me want to be a better human and who can also learn and grow from me.

But I know I will never be a Daisy. 

I'm too much of a Rose.

 

I also secretly don't really mind that I'm single right now. And I in fact know why I'm single right now, thanks to my beloved Thought Catalog.

41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single 

 I'd like to point out that I watch to much Felicity, my imaginary boyfriends are constantly breaking up with me and settling is for pilgrims.