Weird

I overheard someone at work today say, "...I didn't want to be weird..."
That was a funny statement to me, because literally nothing I do is not weird...

Me saying, "I didn't want to be weird" is like a Miley Cyrus saying, "Ya, I'm America's Sweetheart...

I've definitely in the past said something to the effect of not wanting to be normal. I've never commented on not wanting to be weird. I mean maybe back when I was awkward and a young teen I was possibly concerned with not wanting to be "weird". However, I distinvely remember wanting to be random all the time, which is like the teen word for weird.
And this is coming from the same girl who's mom has pictures of her in a helmet, spandex, and giant sunglasses riding around the backyard on a big wheel, trying to go off of two inch jumps...
It's in my nature I guess.

I mean take for ANOTHER example, I am currently in my 15 minutes of fame. And it consists of me being mentioned on the radio 3 times this month (wired 96.5). I have also decided I am going to see how many more times I can be mentioned on the radio by the end of the year.
Does this mean that my life is going really well? Or that I don't have a life?

Either way I am certainly not going to stop being weird. #sorryI'mnotsorry

LET ME SAY THOUGH, I use the word weird as a term of endearment- I just want to say it is highly likely I have already written about this, pretty much exact thing, but I ... I Do not remember- anyway, yes, a term of endearment. I would never call someone whose, say, a "loser", weird. I would just say to them... " YOU ARE A LOOOOSER". But not call them weird.
At the same time though there is good weird and bad weird, we all know what I mean.

too weird?

Bad weird is like, video games and dandruff... I mean even then, like you do you bro! Play on Playa. I guess bad weird is a personal preference of what goes beyond your comfort of good weird. Eraserhead to me is bad weird, because it's creepy as fuck. However, I respect that it's beyond weird.

People from Maine are a mix between the two... but they are just like "Weird." Capital W, and period.

Everyone I know, and enjoy, is odd in some sort of way.
My friends from college and I like to say we're "quirky" it's cuter and less aggressive... but basically we are just weird.

There was no real point to this. Just felt like being weird.

Just a quick PSA For Bitches Who Think They're the Shit.

I don't like it when people aren't nice to my friends. It's not even that I don't like it, it's that I simply won't stand for it.

I set the bar high in all aspects of life. I am selective in the people I choose to be my friends.
The criteria is not superficial, it is based on integrity.
It takes me a little while to warm up to people, it's like a process.
First I meet someone. Then I decide in my head if they are a good human, this can take an allotted amount of time, from a week to possibly a year depending on the human.
Once there is a mutual agreement of good friendship, I then love them. And true love lasts a lifetime. This undertaking can vary.
Sometimes the attraction is quick and the love long lasting. On occasion a friendship is short lived, then we both move on. This doesn't mean the love wasn't real. People come in and out of your life for a reason. However, I believe true love does not fade. Real friendships are rooted in deep love, trust and care.

Girlfriends

*My friends*

Life is about love. 

But I digress.

I am not one to talk behind people's back, especially at this point in my life.
 More over and most importantly, I do not stab the people I care about in the back, with words or actions.

I really do not stand for people who I like to talk about the other people that I like behind their backs. It is simply unacceptable. 

wtf.

Things happen, people fight, I understand that. But when you go out of your way to make my friend, or friends, feel bad I will not tolerate it. 

I've always said. I am not always nice but I am never mean. If you're going to be mean, you can simply, go fuck yourself.
I don't really care what people think about me.. if you haven't noticed... and there is only a few select bunch who I care about what they think of my actions.

To sum up what I am trying to get across and put it simply, all of you, well, bitches, *note not betches* who think you are fucking cute and everyone likes you... and you think your shit don't stink...and you think you can say whatever you want about whoever you want... just be warned, to stay out of my way. It's not cute.

Friends, helping friends, help friends. 

Exit Only.

I don't really like leaving door ajar. I like doors opened and then closed.

I'm either in or out.

When I'm doing something I either go balls to the walls or not at all. Even if my full attempt is for a mere two seconds, I go as hard as I can. At least I try to.
If I don't think I'm going to be the best at something I will be very reluctant to do it.

This particularly pertains to my relationships.

I don't like the limbo.

....Which I find getting myself stuck in constantly because I have these fake relationships.

Guys don't even take the time to break up with me, they just stop talking to me. Usually because we weren't even really ever together.


"You're always trying to break up with me and we're not even together."
-Claire Elizabethtown

The main reason this keeps, constantly, happening is because I don't talk about my feelings or let people tell me theirs. I just don't want to go their.
No, no, no. I will write you a letter and then not discuss it, I will act like I love you and then run away, but I will not tell you how I am feeling.


I think I really will be forever alone because I just sit there and let people pass me by.

It's annoying too *on a side note* because some people say oh forever alone and they've had, oh and will have, relationships.
I actually will be forever alone. 
I haven't talked about this, or bitched about this in a while, because I've been trying to stay positive and focus on the less superficial things that concern my life but today has been the shittest of days- sorry yesterday- and I just want to bitch.

I would rather cut ties with someone then have a conversation and say how I feel about this or that. I'd rather defriend someone then deal with the fact that I miss them. Hear no evil, feel no evil- in my book.

"You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white!" "You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody."
- Drew Baylore Elizabethtown

There is no limbo for me. FUCK THE LIMBO.

It's my fault though too.  I think I'm still just at a bad girl at heart. In the sultry words of our beloved, controversial, bad bitch, Rihanna: "I've never made love but I know how to fuck."

Fuck in all senses of the word. Like fuck with and... Well... Fuck. 

But I'm growing up and I don't really fuck so much anymore... In any sense of the word actually. 

I know this. I deserve to be with someone who wants to keep the door wide open, no if ands or butts. I have high standards and I am fine with that. I am allowed to be picky. I am allowed to close doors. Especially if once a door is closed a boy doesn't try to knock or open it again. Then, well then, that door deserves to be locked.

The right man will find the key to my heart. He won't even need to knock or ring the door, he's key will open that door right up.

Gab. You're Yelling.

I think something that is important to reiterate to myself, all the time, is that I'm actually crazy.

It's in my blood.

Maybe this is part of being an alcoholic- or that's a better way to describe it. I guess just think differently then a lot of people.

I think a lot of things are really, really hysterical. Including, but not limited to, Gabriella Koala. I also take life to seriously at times.

I've decided to make a promise to myself, to accept my craziness and motha fuckin own it. I, mean, I definitely do this already but not all of the time.
I hold back a lot of myself around new places and in public- Although my friends would say that's a lie because I tend to embarrass them in public. I think it's important to have will power to resist the urge to do certain things but also I whole heartedly and completely believe that life is too short to be too sane.

So if I want to have pink hair and scream and shout I am going too. Don't try to tell me I'm too loud, I'll just yell in your face.

Sometimes when life falls apart you just have to accept it and not blame yourself.

Things aren't perfect for me right now. I thought by getting sober, and at this point in my journey, life would become easy and dandy. That is absolutely not the case.

But I am doing the best to deal with life.

I'm definitely too impulsive at times. I love to do things just for the reaction. I will try to keep that under control. At the frendly gathering I ate candy for half of the day and lost my shit during Kat Wright... ask +Rita Caufield. Talk about a sugar high.... I was like a god damn five year old who just had their first jumbo pixie stick. But ya kna, sorry I'm not sorry.

I WILL NOT STIFLE MY INNER CREATIVE JUICES... wut.

I always say, I would be perfectly comfortable in solitary confinement. It would be a blast. Luckily, I have really cool friends and they think I'm funny (90% of the time). 

I think I'm going to wear my tiara for the remainder of the day. I hope the kids I'm babysitting can deal with that. 

Positive Things Happen to Positive People

Today should have been a fuck everything day.

However, it was not.

It was a day of gratitude and focusing on what I want.

This morning, I got fired from my job... Fuck everything right... NO NO NO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

I am thankful I am out of a job I didn't love, I am thankful for my supportive family and friends- especially my brother because if he wasn't home I'd be alone in my house (SHOUT BRUCE_LEE), my dogs for loving me so much constantly, I'm thankful there are jobs that are already coming my way.
Honestly, I'm also thankful that I'm still sober and that the combination of the difficulties of this weekend plus this combined has not lead me to a drink.
I also quit smoking cigarettes on Friday and I'm very thankful for my electronic cigarette.


Luckily this was an internship. I learned a lot, mostly what I do not want to do. It was fun being in an office environment but the drama was a little much. I liked working with a computer but not at doing something so mundane.

I really had been thinking that I wanted to move on from this position. I didn't think I would be let go, that was very upsetting, but everything happens for a reason.

The past couple of months I have felt many doors opening, and as @alishadurgin said "...maybe it's the universes way of ending that chapter for you."

So I'll take that.

By next Friday I will have a job situation set up and this fall I will have a more suitable internship for me.
That is that.

I just watched this documentary...twice... called The Secret. If you don't know what The Secret is you should check it out.
It's about the power of thoughts and the mind, specifically positive thinking. POSITIVE THINGS HAPPEN TO POSITIVE PEOPLE.

I can see my dream job in my head. I can see my office, what I'm wearing, and feeling like I'm really doing something- not just doing something, but something I love.

I will not beat myself up about this. I will move forward and grow.

Starting Over

I didn't relapse hold the phone, but for a while I have been at a standstill.

I made it to a year sober, yay...

glitter for one year.

But like, what am I doing? 
I don't go to meetings, have a sponsor, and I haven't gone through the steps. So like what am I actually accomplishing?

For a while I had the mind set that I would go back to drinking. I thought I'd complete a year and then I'd get back into it again. I didn't think I'd go out and get inebriated but I def was planning out summer events were I planned to be drunk.
Before that, I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I could live without alcohol, which I did. I made it to a year.
Somehow however, my thinking changed before I got to March 20th.
I'd say around January, I started to think that maybe, I wouldn't drink after a year.  I started to like the way things were going really well, for a change.
The desire to get fucked up was still there, of course, but the pros out wayed the cons.
However, I was not focusing on recovery.

So a couple of weeks ago I was in the right place at the right time.

the sky aligned, 

right place, right time.

timing is everything.

I went over to my aunt and uncles for a family bbq and ran into my first alcohol counselor. I hadn't seen this woman since right before I left for college and I was a mess. At that time I was fighting with my parents about wether or not I would do an out patient rehab program in vt while I started school. I was determined to get as far away from this woman as possible. Now, I was so surprised and happy to see her.
She casually asked me how I was doing, probably noticing the plastic cup in my hand and thinking there was something other than water in it. I started talking to her, telling her I moved home and was going to Temple, which she seemed suprised about. Then I told her I was a year sober. She was stoked, like so stoked. She told me she had a couple of Temple students at the program I use to go to (which is for teens and young adults) and to come by and meet some people.
I told her I def would. I also said to her that I don't go to meetings and she said there was a meeting right after group I could go to if I wanted to.
I thought well..... why the fuck not.

So this thursday I got in my car and drove over to my old stompings grounds, to this time maybe not be so much of a little stubborn bitch.

I'm past the point were I don't want help. I need help, constantly, with my life and everything else. I'm not helpless, but I'm willing to ask for help and go get help when I need it....... most of the time.

So after group I went to an AA meeting.

OMG. First one of the year.
It was awesome.

The past meetings I have been to, which have been like a handful, I've definitely related to people but I've never felt comfortable. This was the first time I wanted to keep coming back.
The meeting was full of young people, which was a sigh of relief for me. During the meeting, I silently decided I needed to get a sponsor. I knew who I wanted to talk to afterwards about becoming my sponsor. After the meeting I ran towards her and faced my fears and asked her to be my sponsor.

So I got a sponsor! 

I'm super excited about all this. I went to a meeting last night and am going to another one tonight.

I think I was half ass-ing it until now... obviously I was. I like to minimize my problems.
When I think about how I use to party, I think about just that... the party, not the hangover.

In order for me to complete my goals and more importantly stay out of the hospital I have to stay healthy and sober.

Going back to the begining song in all this. "If I can be an example of getting sober" which I've now done, "then I can be an example of starting over". I want to be someone people look up to and learn from. One of my favorite things to do in life is help my friends through the experiences I have and the things I've been. Now, I'm, as they say, gaining the tools for my tool belt to do just that.







What a fucking cheese ball way to end a post.

Dot, Dot, Dot...

SaoOo0oo0oo0o 

a couple weeks ago... or maybe it was a week... I don't know, nor do I give a flying fuck- I said that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. Refer to this post.

And ya know, I thought "oh I'm just whining, I'm not really going to do anything about this, just a usual yab post......" NOPE.

So I decided to switch my major. You might think that this is sorta stupid to do as I'm 22 ( I fucking think it is) but it's really not.
Sophomore year of my college career, at Champlain college, I took my fall semester off- actually I took 3 online course that I, YOU GUESSED IT, failed. I just didn't do them... NOPE.
Then summer '11 I took summer classes so I guess I was a full on sophomore at that point.
And then my junior at Champlain was, well... it was not existent.
I took the whole year off then I moved home and started going to Temple University in fall of '12. So I'm a... I don't fucking know a full on junior? Maybe? NOPE.
Credits get transfered in as electives or not at all.

So now I have the bright idea of switching majors... LIKE WHAT AM I DOING??


OH WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY YOLO.

And no. Assholes. I'm not going to be in school for seven years and I'm not wasting all of mommy and daddy's money.

NO. NO. NO. THIS IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

Yes. This is happening. Going brain dead.

Switching from Public Relations to Media Studies, particularly Media Business and Entrepreneurship, will actually work with more of my transfered credits.

I'm just really, really... REALLY frustrated right now. Temple is different from Champlain... LIKE BY A LOT.

Aggressive.  

What I'm talking about in particular is advisors. At Champlain you had an advisor, at Temple there are just advisors. You meet with any advisor, not one specifically, and you have a quick meeting with them. There really nice and helpful but like lezbehonest, if I'm not in their office all the time they're not going to remember me.

So now, I have to make all these decisions on my own. FABULOUS.
AND APPARENTLY IT'S NOT GETTING DONE TONIGHT.
because I'm going to bed. Early... o wait, NOPE.

After flipping out on my mom, and then talking it over with her calmly, she said it's not worth trying to pin hole myself into a career because that's not going to happen.
Which I never really thought of before.

I'm not becoming a doctor or a teacher. I don't know exactly what I want to be so I might as well just relax.

THEN WHY AM I STILL FLIPPING OUT ?!

it's just really frustrating because all my friends are graduating this month, and I'm like cool.....
Not that I'm not super stoke for them! Because I really am. They've worked so hard and I knew they would do it.

But it's kinda just like ok... meep... I'm switching majors... uh wait wut...

So IDK.

The thing is I just feel like I'm making a huge decision. Which I'm probably not. I'll probably end up in sales, or writing, something having nothing to do with relations or media.

I just don't want to make this decision. I want someone to do it for me. Clearly that's not going to happen so... time to put on big girl pants and dive in to the cold water head first.
Like I said before... Yolo.

ok.

I hope you don't take my use of yolo srsly...