Car Crash

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No, that was not the cat. Yes, that was me slamming on the keyboard.

I went to a meeting Wednesday and vented/ranted harrd. The first thing I said was "I am really fucking pissed off and frustrated." I was partly frustrated because I had my hand up the entire meeting and got called on in the last ten minutes. I was ready to walk out of the meeting.


But I'm not really mad. Frustrated yes, definitely, but I can't be mad right now. WELL I CAN, and I was/am but mostly I'm just like...

literally ...

I'm so broken down. I'm tired, bruised (literally- I think I'm have a vitamin deficiency), stressed and just bleh. It's not like I ran into a brick wall, it's like I was going down the right highway to success and a ton of bricks fell on me. And again, and again. And then one more time. Now, I'm hiding under a tree but I'm on this highway and I can't stop moving forward.
That's how I feel.
I also feel like people are just passing the crash like, "hey can I help? Oh I actually have to be somewhere I'll call you later and see if everything went ok. Bye."

Which I understand. We are all on this highway and people have places to go but I would really like if someone just pulled over got out and helped me put my car back together.
But I'm not helpless. I can do this. I can continue to move forward.

What I'm really saying, is I'm dealing with relapses. Not my own. But they are the scariest things I've ever experienced. Watching someone kill themselves and let their lives unravel is so painful.
[insert ALANO meeting here]

It's just so frustrating because I've worked hard to get to almost three years sober. I thought I was past all the tough stuff... WRRRRRONG. This is hard. Staying sober, while watching people get fucked up, is just as hard as it was for me to put everything down. A few weeks ago I broke down mentally. It was a moment where I said to myself, "I need a meeting. Right. Now." So I went to two. It's been hard to bump up my program while working so much, but I really have been trying to. I need to put myself and my sobriety before anything else. Because whatever comes before me being sober, is the first thing I will lose.

I'm also so sad. Even though I want to join in fuck up my life, I think about it and I don't. I want my friends to get better. I don't fucking want them to die or turn there lives to shit. I care about people in general and I really really love these people. I have high standards for people and the people I'm friends with, are really good fucking people. I don't even have the words to fully express how I feel about this because it's so disheartening. I've seen people die from addiction and I don't want these people to die.

horrible. 

I think I need to start over. Take time for myself again. Re-prioritize. See what's going well and what's not. Maybe punch someone in the face. Jk on the last part.

Lemme just say I am thankful I for christmas for a fucking break. I love my students to pieces, but dealing with them in-itself is hard enough.

That is all, goodnight. Wish things were just this simple,

Secrets

Big thank you and kuddos to my little sister for showing me this song:

This is the theme song to this blog. 

O Hot Dayum

My poor little blog. I have been neglecting you so much this summer. I apologize for not being as yabby as I should be and not updating you constantly, little blog. I love you very much and always will.

In actuality I have been writing a lot and formulating ideas for posts, I just haven't been publishing anything. I haven't felt tres inspiration from many things lately, well as much as I have in the past.

so busy.

I also have been working on my irl life, versus internet life.
I've been reading lots, going to group and working on therapy, working the steps with my sponsor, making new friends, trying to get a job and moving.

Let me go into depth a little more with all that.

So ya'll know, if you read this, that I do a lot of therapy. This summer I've been doing group therapy that I really enjoy and find very helpful in the continuation of my sobriety as well as growth and development. Also I've made some friends.
I also have actually had friends this summer because my old friends are finally home. YAY FRIENDS.

So I lost my job. I lost my job. I LOST MY JOB. I don't think it's something to really dwell on. I'm trying to learn from the experience and move forward. I have been babysitting a lot this summer but I need a more consistent job, and I'm pretty sure I've found one.

I interview at a salon, for a receptionist position, last Saturday, had a second interview monday and I'm observing the front desk tomorrow. SO I GOT IT. YA GIRL. WOO. ~pep talk~

The salon is closer to my Dads, and I've been having trouble living with my Mom, so I'm trying out living at my Dad's. Which has been a process. I rearranged my room and had to move stuff over here and I'm not done yet. But hopefully this is good.

THATS ABOUT ALL THATS GOING ON.

I'm working on some think pieces for FuckYab, so stay tuned.

And remember, if you're feeling flightly... just try to stay...

#groundedbyglitter.

I Just. I Just. I Love Them.

I'm in the process of making new friends and forming tighter relationships with good people.

Recently I've met some kids from Temple, which is really cool, but I like really miss my friends.

I saw a bunch of my old friends from VT last weekend at The Frendly Gathering (if you want the full story check here) but I want to see my best friends.

I miss my soul mates.

I just love them. 

Luckily I have a few of them around, Emma and Victoria, and I saw Rita for a couple of days last week.

But I really miss some of my girlfriends. I just want to hold them in my arms.

It also doesn't help that I've been feeling really lonely.

I've been alone for a really long time. Like a really long time.
Some of my friends and I joke around saying "forever alone" but it's like at the point where it's not funny anymore. I've never had a serious relationship, mostly due to the fact that I avoid physical and emotional connections. But I've been changing over the past year... a lot...

I think I'm finally ready to let someone into my life. I don't wanna play the run around with anyone anymore. I think if the right person comes into my life I'll finally be able to let them in verses all the years I've pushed people away.

Now it's just finding the right person.

I've had a really shitty and good week all rolled into one. Hopefully this week will be slightly better.

I have a summer cold and I want to punch someone in the face. But I will not.
I will try to smile tomorrow.

Positive Things Happen to Positive People

Today should have been a fuck everything day.

However, it was not.

It was a day of gratitude and focusing on what I want.

This morning, I got fired from my job... Fuck everything right... NO NO NO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

I am thankful I am out of a job I didn't love, I am thankful for my supportive family and friends- especially my brother because if he wasn't home I'd be alone in my house (SHOUT BRUCE_LEE), my dogs for loving me so much constantly, I'm thankful there are jobs that are already coming my way.
Honestly, I'm also thankful that I'm still sober and that the combination of the difficulties of this weekend plus this combined has not lead me to a drink.
I also quit smoking cigarettes on Friday and I'm very thankful for my electronic cigarette.


Luckily this was an internship. I learned a lot, mostly what I do not want to do. It was fun being in an office environment but the drama was a little much. I liked working with a computer but not at doing something so mundane.

I really had been thinking that I wanted to move on from this position. I didn't think I would be let go, that was very upsetting, but everything happens for a reason.

The past couple of months I have felt many doors opening, and as @alishadurgin said "...maybe it's the universes way of ending that chapter for you."

So I'll take that.

By next Friday I will have a job situation set up and this fall I will have a more suitable internship for me.
That is that.

I just watched this documentary...twice... called The Secret. If you don't know what The Secret is you should check it out.
It's about the power of thoughts and the mind, specifically positive thinking. POSITIVE THINGS HAPPEN TO POSITIVE PEOPLE.

I can see my dream job in my head. I can see my office, what I'm wearing, and feeling like I'm really doing something- not just doing something, but something I love.

I will not beat myself up about this. I will move forward and grow.

No I in Frend.

I was one of those kids that you could see running around at music festivals, even more then just music festivals. My Dad and step-mom are very artsy and exposed me to good music and food at a young age. The arts are a big part of our lives. I've always gone with them to arts fesitvals and concerts. I can't remember my first time seeing live music or camping.

Last summer I wasn't really able to go to any concerts or do any festivals but like I said in my last post this summer is extremly different from the last.

A couple of years ago I went to the Phish music festival, Super Ball, with my dear friend Allison. I think that might have been my first music festival without my parents.
It was super fun but we did get there late and leave early, so that was kind of a bummer.

This weekend I attended my first sober music festival- but I guess that's not really true since, like I said, I went to them as a kid... but you know what I mean.

I wasn't really nervous about going to this festival, The Frendly Gathering, because I don't need drugs or alcohol anymore to have a good time. I did prepare myself that I would be tempted to do things but I knew I would be able to handel myself. However, I was extremely unprepared for this experience, literally and physically.

Let me start at the very beginning, because that is a good place to start... (anyone get that?)

Friday:
Woke up at 5am, got a speeding ticket in New York, ran over a turtle on a Vermont highway, finally arrived at Magic Mountain parked the car and waited in a two hour line to get to where we were camping... no cell service.
Found our camp site... after much searching... and proceeded to set up our tent, which took far too long.
People at this point started drinking, if they weren't drunk already. Then finally we went down to the main stage at the bottom of the mountain and heard some tunes. I ran into one of my favorite humans in the world, +Zachary Allott. That was probs a highlight of the day.
It had rained the night before and it was quite moist everywhere. O so then... IT STARTS DOWN POURING.
There were around 20, give or take, people in the group I was camping with. When it started raining we all huddled around the pop up tent and handels and beers started getting passed around. I took a step back and literally just walked out into the rain on my own.
I had my bathing suit on and a festival to explore. It was actually awesome walking around in the rain. I ran into some of my babuhs and buddies.
After the rain subsided we saw some more music and I changed into a few more outfits. There were several times I wandered off on my own.
By late night I was tired but it was good to be surrounded by so many frends.
One thing I've never noticed before was that drunk people can be really rude. At this point people were getting annoying and rude so I decided to go to bed. I went into my tent and I stumbled upon a puddle directly in the middle of my tent OH JOY. I cleaned it up with towels and then got into my sleeping bag... which was sopping wet.... I started silently, but surely, crying.
The day was just too much to handel.
So I prayed, read a reflection book that I had with me, and thought about all the things I appreciated about that moment and the overall day. I just prayed that I could sleep through the night.
Over all Friday was horrible. 

Saturday:
I woke up Saturday to Rita screaming my name. I slept through the entire night which was good. Miraculously I had cell service so I called my mom and told her how things were not going well...
I was planning on this trip being difficult because of temptation not because of dealing with other people. All of my triggers were around me- from dealing with the cops, to dealing with people I hate- but I was really proud of how I handled myself.
After bacon was made and consumed, a group of us ventured to a lake and then a VT farmers market. This morning set the day off on a totally different foot. When we got back the sun was shining and glitter was shimmering. We went down to a pond and watched Twiddle preform and it was the most hippy dippy thing I've ever seen.
The Burton main stage smelled like pure shit but the music sounded good. My dear friend, and inspiring entrepreneur, (Mr. Brian Sommers) went on a rigorous hike, met some people, and had some good talks. Then we ventured back to my campsite then off to see more music.
Like Friday, there were several times I wandered off on my own during shows like Conspirator. It was nice to just not be surrounded by people and step back and watch the craziness that was ensuing. It was really fascinating. It really would have been nice to have someone to wander off with but I am also happy with my best friend... Yup. Me.
All of the performances on Saturday were really cool and I all together had a much much better day. The cherry on the top was being front and center for @paperdiamond. I womped my face off.
Over all Saturday was pretty awesome. 

Burton Tent- made a dream catcher... CRAFTS. 

Sunday:
We got packed up and on the road by 9:30am, and home to PA by 3:00pm.
When I got home I was exhausted physically and emotionally.


So overall...
It was about a 7 out of 10 for a weekend.

It was wonderful to see my friends, but hard to be around them while they were so fucked up.
Being surrounded by music I knew I there would be no way I wouldn't have had a good time.

I will def go to another festival when I can but next time I will hopefully have a buddy.

No drugs and I still look insane.