Feelin those Feelins

WELL 4 months later...

Still sober, still in a relationship.

So this blog has, over the years, become kind of a tell all about my relationships and mishaps. Well, it's also been about- whether on purpose or not- growing up sober and learning how to let love and light into my life.

Before I got sober I lived in a dark place of misunderstanding who I was and how the world around me worked. I wanted love in my life so badly but I ran so fast and so far away from it.

God, I was a cold hearted bitch! I was mean, I had a tongue that could rip you apart like a sword, either in front of your face or behind your back. To the men in my life especially. I tore men apart. Not in a 'feminist man hating' way, in a 'I fucking hate you never talk to me again and I hope you rot in hell' type of way.

I've been searching for years where I went wrong. What childhood trauma made me so scared that I couldn't look my feelings into it's face. Honestly, I think it's just simply a patterned I developed that became comfortable to me and eventually I couldn't escape it.

So now, dealing with my feelings... is incredibly uncomfortable.

Part of the reason I drank so much and so heavily was that dealing with men was very difficult for me so I would drink until it was comfortable. I literally had a drunk boyfriend for a couple of years. When I was sober I barely spoke to him and when we were both wasted we were more all over each other then the couples we knew.
So when I got sober, I was like fuuuuuck that. I stayed away from men for two years. Literally... barely even spoke to them. Seriously.

Then finally, after two years, I was ready to tip toe into the waters. Since then I've had my ups and downs- which you can read the play by plays if you peruse this blog EYE ROLL-

But it isn't until now that I've made serious head way. I am in my first real relationship and it's fucking terrifying. It's scary because it's new. And I don't like new things, I don't like change. I'm fucking terrified it's going to end at any moment. I'm afraid of getting hurt and because of that I'm afraid to let someone in. But I am working through it. And I have been for a while. But it's hard

It's frustrating because I feel I should have learned how to do a lot of these things at a younger age. Like I tell people a lot of the time I am in my first relationship and they're like no you're not

Uh yeah I am. But everyone goes their own pace...It's fine.

And honestly, I haven't been writing because- as you probably know- I like to write about things after the fact. However, I need to get this all out.

I hate talking about my feelings. And worse then that, I cant fucking do it. People are like "just say it, just tell them". It's like no no no but that's what I don't understand how to do. I guess it's just hard for other people to comprehend how incapacitating this whole thing is for me. I just go mute. I am definitely making progress and I think, like most things when you get sober, the more you do it the better you get at it. You just have to fucking do it Gab.

But Jesus Christ. I think I'm making a therapeutic break through, or at least I better be... I'm just feeling all of these things I've never felt before. I think I'm really proud of myself too for the progress I am making but it's seriously over whelming. I sat in my car yesterday and cried for no fucking reason. Like I honestly don't even know what the problem was. Well I do. I have things I want to say that I can't get out. So I've been crying because I can't say the things I want to say but I think I'm also crying because I have these emotions dissipating out of my body. I mean I work really hard at it. I cover myself in crystals, align my chakras, work with a sponsor, tons of therapy and yeah I do spells too. So thank go there's a fucking break through.

It's just a lot ok. I really never thought I'd get here. And you're probably like "What do you mean get here?" I truly thought for a very long time I wasn't capable of being with someone in a healthy way. I thought I was doomed to be alone forever and now I am realizing that's just not true. I think it's a matter of self love I have come to and even beyond that.

It's like I've become a whole human. I'm not talking about this relationship, I'm talking about me. I've learned to love myself so much that I am letting other people get there too. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't from the journey I've been on to get here.


Hey Yabbers, thanks for being on this journey with me. It's been a treat to share all of this with you. Thanks for giving a shit about my life and helping me to find myself.

But the rides not over yet, onwards and upwards we go.

How I Stayed Sober For 6 years...

Hi Friends. It's meeeee Gab aka Yab aka your neglective mother. I am SORRY for not writing for so long. It's just like an ordeal for me these days. I have countless drafts that I never publish because I'm too lazy to find pictures and then I just never end up posting it.

One day I'll do archive posts where you can read all my emotional spur of the moment drafts. Plus sometimes I write these heartfelt posts that are so on point with how I'm feeling in that moment and then I take some time and reflect and... I feel differently.

I have come along way since impulse writing and posting about break ups and heartaches.

Today I was in a recovery meeting picking up my six year coin and I mentioned to someone that I had a blog and then I realized wow I haven't been writing in this at all! I was like should I even tell this broad about it because it's so out of date

I didn't write anything for the new year which is usually a huge time of reflection for me and it's a week after my 6 years sober anniversary and I am just sitting down to write. Not ok Gab.

I think what it really is is that my life is going really fucking good right now. I used to use writing as a way to cope with the chaos I was dealing with but things have been so smooth sailing. And I'm almost afraid if I post anything complaining about any aspect everything will blow up. I'm actually in the throws of a functional relationship right now and I'm not even going to tell you anything about it because it's going too well.

It's kinda like treading water right now so that things stay good. Ehhh well maybe not. Maybe this is how normal people just live life, calm and collected.

Have I finally managed to achieve balance!??!?!? No. Maybe. Let's say almost. I guess life is a balancing act that and at this stage I've almost learned to juggle. I'm by no means perfect and there are definite areas that need improvement but this is the best things have been in a while.
However I have some PTSD from the insanity that was the last decade of my life so it does feel a bit like dog paddling. But I know things are going well.

If you were to sit down and read this blog from the beginning you'd go back to when I was still drinking, and you would get to watch me get sober. It's pretty fucking cool for me to have it all in writing.

Sometimes I think maybe it's inappropriate for me to be posting things about the nooks and crannies of my recovery since I am part of an anyonmous program but I think this blog has been a huge vessel for me to share my journey and where my strength comes from.

Going from a drunk to a sober woman of grace you change physically in some ways but you mostly metamorphose from the inside out. It's emotional and it's the way you handle life.

So usually around this time I write about how I've changed and what I'm like now yada yada yada
But right now I want to make  a list of how I have stayed sober over the years, the life hacks if you will.

I have had countless people reach out to me since I got sober about how I did it or just looking for advice. Usually I just give my story, lend my experience and hope they get something out of it but today I am going to tell you how I did it.

How I Stayed Sober For 6 Years: 

I stopped drinking and doing drugs because I was institutionalized. Going to a mental hospital for a month and a half cuts out any possibility of having a drink.

I went to rehab for MONTHS. I was in an intensive outpatient which meant I stayed at home. Group therapy has saved my life. If you've never done it I strongly encourage finding a group. I have been in group therapy since I was 18 and it's amazing. Yeah at first I hated but now I LOVE IT.

I stayed away from men for two years. I had never been on a date before I got sober, I barely had had sober sex, I went to an all catholic girls high school where I lost all social skills with boys. I had no business messing around with guys when I got sober and I honestly stayed the hell away from them.

I got involved in service. Whether it was helping someone else get sober or doing AmeriCorps, service changed and saved my life. And now it is my life. I have found my calling and I am full time dedicated to helping others.

I learned the only persons recovery who matters is mine. Helping other people is important but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And you can't let active alcoholics or addicts dictate your life. You need to stick with the people that want to better you and make the best choices for your recovery always.

You have to always be willing and ready to change. You can't stay stagnate. Being in recovery means you are constantly trying to make yourself a better person and you can't give up on that. You have to move forward and not backwards. Like I say, onwards and upwards yabbers.

I realized just because I got sober didn't mean life got easier. I got handed a set of tools that I learned how to use. The shittest shit ever can happen to you while your sober. But you have a new way of dealing with it that's not so painful.

I saw that this is life and death. The longer you stay sober the more people you will see go back out and die. It makes you realize how important this fight is. Young drunks don't become old drunks, they die. I wanted to live my life I wasn't ready to go.

But I also got sober to live life. So I got sober at 21, everyone was just starting to go to bars and clubs. I wasn't going to miss this party! I didn't get sober to stay in my house all the time. People still ask me how I am around alcohol so much. Well first of all, I have a large family that drinks so it would be hard to escape from completely. Secondly, I'm a loud vivacious person and I need somewhere to expel all my energy and I love to dance.
So I started by going out with sober friends to dance and then I just started to hang out with "normal drinking friends" and going anywhere I want.

If you are in the right spiritual place there is no where you can't be. However, you should make smart choices and it is not ok to drink vicariously through other people. Lesson learned.

I've come in and out of AA the past six years. I've fucking hated it and I've been so in love with it. But I keep coming back because it works for me. Do the work and put in the time. Always go to that meeting you're thinking about going to.

I say yes to anything anyone in AA asks me. Within reason... I don't have to say yes to a date but I do say yes anytime anyone asks me to be of service to another Alcoholic.

Also, I found God. From the moment I decided I was getting sober I started praying because as a good catholic girl that's what I knew how to do. The majority of 20somethings aren't living there life according to "a higher power or God". But I'm not normal. I don't talk to my friend about God all the time but it's just a huge part of my life. It's no one else's business but mine but my belief in a higher power has gotten me through the toughest times sober.

And finally, you don't have to drink over anything, ever. Period. 

That's it. That's how I've come this far. And you know the biggest thing I keep with me is that I'm still learning. People have been like "holy cow! Six years that's incredible!" And like of course it is but I've just done what I was told to do. It's been fucking tough. I will say that but yeah I don't want to die and I don't want to be locked up in a mental institution for the rest of my life. So this is the path I'm on.
And you know what it's fucking cool! Sobriety is a great ride once you're on board.

6 years later and my life is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to see what the next six years have in store.
TA TA! 

I Have Social Anxiety.

Well, it's 2018. A lot has changed since I last posted. Christmas came and went and so did the new year.

I have three tabs on my Chrome that have been there for weeks to months with drafts of blog posts, all about different things.

But now I just really feel like I need to get something out and that something is about my crippling social anxiety.

"Gab Latona has social anxiety? Yeah right" -everyone.
"You do not have social anxiety." - my dad
"You have the world's worst social anxiety and everyone hates you." -me

No one ever needs to explain to me how anxiety works because I know it all too well.

Growing up I didn't always love playing with other kids. I loved being alone a lot. I remember finding areas of the playground in elementary school where I could basically hide and not have to interact with anyone. Kids would always look for me and try to play with me and I would be like, "Ugh ok fine."

When I lived in Canada (I lived in Canada in 4th and 5th grade) I remember having this huge coat and when we go out for recess I would sit indian style so that my coat would cover me and then do a turtle move and pull my head into my coat to play with my polly pockets.

When I got to high school I knew literally two girls and I was barely friends with them. The girls who ended up being my best friends freshman year told me at the beginning of the year they thought I was a fucking weirdo because I didn't speak to anyone. I was terrified entering high school because I knew no one. But I had to go, so I just kept to myself until I was comfortable to interact with the other humans.

self defense. 

That is how I enter social situations. I am completely silent until I must speak or am spoken too. It is 100% a defense mechanism and A LOT of the time people think I am a full on bitch because I act this way.

However, if I am socializing with other humans I know I am much more comfortable and less off putting.

I push myself a lot to interact and face my anxiety fucking daily. Saying hi to someone I don't know is generally a strain. People think because I am so social and have so many friends that there is no way I have social anxiety but... how can I explain this to you... Why the fuck would I make this shit up?

When I got sober I literally could not speak to other humans. I was in a mental hospital and I would, again, keep to myself. Then when I got out and was sent to rehab I refused to go to AA, mostly because of the social aspect. While I was living at home for the next couple of months it was insanely difficult to leave my mothers side. I could barely talk to people who were my friends. And I could not interact with anyone else. Obviously overtime I became less of a deer in the headlights and more adjusted to the world. But a lot of that trauma still lingers.

But you know what in life you have to push yourself to grow. If I let my anxiety get the best of me I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't leave my parents house and I wouldn't have any friends.
People scare the living shit out of me.

People say to me all the time, "it's so awesome you can go to bars and clubs sober." Yeah that didn't happen over night and there are certainly still times when it's really fucking hard. Dealing with other people's bullshit when your sober and they're not is trying at times. I'm not judgmental it just puts me in a weird place sometimes.

Because of all this, I find relationships pretty fucking difficult. Talking about my feelings is really hard for me. And to be honest with you I have only done it a few times. It is painfully difficult to me. I can be sitting there saying to myself, "say it Gab, just say it" And nothing will come out of me.

Lately my social anxiety has been getting the best of me. I haven't been saying how I feel. I have been going to less meetings because I know less people. And I can't even begin about the gym......
It's way easier for me to say fuck it and stay home then to deal with any of my emotions and move forward with anything.

But usually it just takes a little push and I can get over it. I will say this shit gets easier with practice and time. At least with me.
I will tell you this, with all anxiety, you can fall into a hole. If you let that little voice of doubt and negativity get to you your done for. But if you fight it if you do the opposite of what it is telling you to do you can win.

And you know, honestly this is hard for me to admit because it ruins the facade that I portray as being a social creature. Saying I have social anxiety and then going and socializing is like uh, harder... But I keeps it real with you and I keep it real with myself. Honesty is sometimes all you have and extremely powerful.

I think I just needed to remind myself of all of this to cut the bullshit and take back control.
So if you're struggling with this just say yes. Say yes to what that inner monologue is saying no too and you will be ok. This too shall pass.

So I Left...

I feel like my blog has become a whiny teenage diary...I guess that's what it always was anyway. aaayolo.

Moving away from Philly has been really hard. I didn't leave Philadelphia because I hated it. I wasn't pushed out because I was uncomfortable. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because I had to. I had to for myself.

I am a really selfless person. I am comfortable saying that because other people have told me it's true. I was in AmeriCorps for 3 years... Yes I was finding myself but I also feel in love with helping other people. I am not boosting or trying to brag. I am by no means a martyr but I am an empath and I deeply care about other people. In fact sometimes, a lot of the time, I take on other people's problems. This can definitely get in the way of my own life and sacrifice my own happiness.

Leaving Philadelphia was a selfish thing I did for me. Sometimes it's important to be selfish. You have to put yourself first once in a while-- I actually have to constantly be reminded of this.

Self-care is really important. It's hard not to take home the work struggles I encounter. In all lines of work you should really be taking care of yourself to not burn out, but especially working with at-risk youth. On top of it I work a lot of 9+ hour days and when I come home I have to take care of me. Oh and I have two jobs. One full time and one part time.

I have really been struggling with this. Moving from Greeley to Denver has been tough with the change of pace, but moving from Pennsylvania to Colorado has been a lot to deal with this past year. It's  made me question a lot of things.

Life has still continued to turn in Philly, surprisingly enough... Life continues on whether I am there or not. I have had to deal with a lot of shit happening home while I have been miles away.

And of course the grass is always greener on the other side...

Right now I wish I was in Philly but if I was there I probably would not be happy.

I left Philadelphia because I saw people never leave. I couldn't talk shit on people spending their whole existence in Philly when I was doing the same thing... So I left.

I took a leap. I pulled the trigger. I actually did it. And you know what? I don't know when I will be back.

It took me over 20 years to fit in in Philly. It took me less than 10 months to find a life in Colorado.

I go home almost once a month now and it's really hard. It's like constantly getting back together with an ex. I see all the good things and not the bad. I start to romanticize. The reality of the situation is I would not be happy or satisfied there. It's not my city anymore. It will always be home but I don't belong there right now.  Taking a risk sometimes involves feeling things you don't anticipate. Part of experiencing life is living and feeling all of it. Pain included.

It's really hard to say I don't know when I'll be back because there are people I love in that city. I wish I could transport them here. The fact is I am here and they are there. That is the now.

I get why people don't leave though. It's comfortable being comfortable and it's easy to feel content. Maybe it's my constant alcoholic need for chaos that has kept me searching for the next big thing. But I could see how you could be happy with being happy. I do envy that sometimes. I however, need to be constantly challenged and pushed to grow. So for me that meant leaving Philly.

My entire life I went back and forth between two house holds. My parents were divorced since I was two years old and whenever I would fully feel at home somewhere I would be told it was time to go to my other house. Fitting in has always been really difficult because I have never fully felt like I belonged.

The first time I felt like I actually belonged somewhere was summer camp. It was the most consistent and unabridged place that felt like home. It was my happy place and I ruined it by getting kicked out for drinking= first true depression; enter Burlington, VT.

Burlington, VT felt more like home than camp even did. I was ripped away from Burlington due to my drinking. Welcome my sobriety date of March 20th 2012. Losing Burlington was one of the hardest losses I have experienced in my life because I lost my sense of belonging. I've never felt so misplaced. There comes a point when you just need to stop losing everything. Saying the words "rock bottom" is completely different than feeling like you've actually lost and ruined everything. Literally everything. And for me that meant the home I was always searching for.

So when I moved back to Philly and I got a "new way of life" I made it my own. But because of my weighted history of fucking hating Philadelphia it was like a lover I never fully let into my life.

So I left...
My version of not staying in Philadelphia and your reasoning for never leaving are probably very different. And you know what, I know a ton of people who never left Burlington and it's the same situation. Although losing that "home" was such an incredibly trying experience, I am grateful I did not get stuck there and become resentful and bitter.

Right now I fucking hate not being in Philadelphia. I want so badly to be in two places at once moving with both spinning parts. Not coming and going while one goes on and so does the other.

I said in my last post I have never been in love and that's really not true because I have friends I love so much and wish I could be with all the time. So maybe I have experienced love on another level that some people will never understand.

For me friendships aren't going out, partying, taking pictures... It's being honest and telling the truth. If I am mean to you I probably really fucking care about you. Honesty is the foundation to any relationship.

I just sometimes look at my life and say WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.... LIKE CONSTANTLY. 

I don't think I am the center of any universe except my own. And I really need to stop making other peoples problems burdens on my own life. I need to learn to just fucking let go. I just wish I could freeze time and be everywhere I want to be at once. However, all I can do is take care of myself, try and lend a helping hand to others, and hope they do what's best.

I love the life I live and am so happy. I just miss my friends and family that I love so much. I am so grateful to have a support system like I do.

Sometimes I miss the value of gratuity but I can truly say, even though I am super emotional and moody right now, I am so incredibly #blessed for the people that are in my life. I am the luckiest girl to have the people I do.

Also you want to talk about whiny-- I have been listening to Sarah McLaughlin this whole blog post so add that as your background soundtrack.

But I recommend you listen to this instead

Onwards and upwards we go Yabbers...<3 nbsp="" p="">

"Oh no no... We Are Way Past Rockbottom."

Hi it's me.

I'm just sitting in the dark listening to Ed Sheeran, thinking out loud how much I hate my dating life.

I have seen a lot of psychics in my day and honestly I think they're holding out on me. I feel like they get one good look at me and they're like, "aw shit." I don't think anyone is being honest with me anymore.

I think I really will die alone. I don't think I understand how relationships or dating works. I don't think I have a compatible match out there. I think I am happy being alone because it is my destiny. 

I feel like this is the 100th blog post where I am writing, "I'm tired of dating."

At this point I feel like I am at an all time low. I would not say by any means I am at a rock bottom. Oh no no we are way past that point...
But I will say I'm just almost, baffled by the status of my dating life.

I am so fucking done. I have written before that dating can be exhausting but now I'm at another level... I am now crying.

There's all these songs, movies, books, pieces of literature that all have to do with love. And I've never felt it. I've already written about how I don't even know what love is and I'm not going into detail about that right now because that's not even my main concern.

I'm in the stage of my life where I have a wedding constantly coming up. Not only will I never get a plus one- because everyone knows how single I am- but I will never need one, and if I ever got one it would be a source of anxiety because I have no one to fucking bring with me.
And let's not even talk about the fact that at these weddings these people are committing their lives to each other and I can't even get a guy to call me back!

This is what I'm tired of: Ghosting. And honestly, how dating apps have changed the dating landscape.

Bumble and tinder have full on deleted chivalry from our already very "modern" society. Finding someone to ask you out and not into their bed is already a challenge. And if you do find a date it's different rules then it used to be.


You would think because I am a 27 year old it wouldn't matter what dating apps have done because I essentially grew up with them. But I don't think I was made for them. Some guy kept asking me the other night on a 'date' "What's your type?"
I don't have a fucking type. I think people who are attractive are attractive? But like I'm attracted to people's personalities and you don't really get that from swiping left or right on max five pics. I like to laugh, but I have a certain sense of humor.

I've been doing the dating thing. Like going out on dates with guys, real dates. I enjoy the actual act of the date--- which is something I never thought I would say. There was a point, not that long ago, where the thought of sharing a meal with a dude would have been enough to keep me at home.

I have come along way that's for fucking sure... In so many capacities. For the past five years I have been fighting everything to make my life better. Everyday I fight to stay sober and be a better person. So sitting down with someone and saying "I don't drink" is so invalidating. When they say "oh why don't you drink" I sometimes just say "I had a drinking problem". I'm not gonna tell you the first day I met you how I have come from being a shell of nothing to making something of myself.

But these guys take me on a date, or three max, and never call me again. I definitely think that the whole dating world at their thumb has them over me in .5 seconds. I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels for these guys, in fact a lot of the time I don't know if I want to spend more time with them or not. But I'm willing to see what happens. All I am fucking looking for at this point is NORMAL. Fucking normal.

The act of dating is getting to know someone and whether you can spend extended periods of time with someone. I just think these people are real life swiping me to quickly.

When someone used to ask you out (this was before my time) it was obviously first of all someone you knew. So they already had some concept of who you are. And a key dating rule (according to my sources) was to not be so available.

Now... Men have the attention span of a goldfish because they have a pocket full of endless women on their phone.

Here's the other thing that bugs me... I am the only one I know with a blog who analyticly picks apart their dating life. Sure a lot people probably do this in the privacy of their own head, but I know plenty of people in long term relationships and MARRIED FOR GOD SAKES so obviously this code isn't so difficult for them to crack. So what the fuck is wrong with me? AM I JUST OVERTHINKING ALL OF THIS.

But I don't really think I'm overthinking guys telling me they'll call me and then never hearing from them again... I think that's just facts.

I have been in therapy for literally years and I can't find someone to date. I will say I am incredibly critical of other people and I have very high standards. And of course, let's be real... I low key love and thrive being single... but it is all like some sort of weird math problem I am constantly trying to solve.

Well my mom always said to me "you'll find someone when you stop looking." I genuinely have been trying to get to that point for so long and I can finally say I am fucking there.

But I will say, I have a lot of male friends, male friends who read this blog... seriously stop. Stop ignoring girls- that you said you would text and then you didn't so they texted you and you ignored. Stop standing up girls. Stop being fucking assholes and hiding behind your screens. Stop being little boys and grow the fuck up. Don't call girls crazy when you are being a little bitch. Stop fucking lying and manipulating.

Right now I feel like shit. I feel so used and abused. I feel not worth anyone's time. I feel lied to.
I don't feel good enough.

I live my life by a principal called radical honesty. I don't lie. The few times I have in the past year have been to random men who have asked me questions that were too personal so I gave them fake answers. But just because I am telling the truth all the time doesn't mean everyone else is.
Ask yourself this... how many times have you lied in the past year? It's hard for me to recognize that not all people are as honest, maybe even with themselves, as I am and try to be.

Getting sober you really have to get honest, so ever since I did that, I got real honest. I think that's why people love reading this so much because it's so raw.

I feel really raw right now. What is wrong with me or what am I doing wrong that I can't hold anyone's interest for more than a couple hours?

Usually by the end of me writing out all of my feelings I come to a conclusion that makes me feel better about the whole situation. This didn't happen today.

I will say this, all of this has taught me to be vulnerable and to let people in even if they won't let me in. Maybe I'm not the most trusting person but I have become willing to let something into my life. You know I have gone out with some fucking nutsos so maybe I need someone to pick out a man for me... I don't think I'm going about any of this right anymore...

Hey, maybe this is the conclusion- Maybe you have to fall flat on your faces 100 times before learning how to properly walk, run, or rollerblade. Maybe you have to just learn how to put yourself out there before anything can come to you.

My cousin always says to me that God is molding the perfect person for me and I do believe that.

I retract that I will die alone- because I have calmed the fuck down by a lot (Still listening to Ed tho)- If I tell myself I am going to die alone, then well one day I will. I can not let my fear manifest itself.

I know the right person is out there for me. And if I have to kiss a bunch of frogs til I get to him fine. I just wish they'd be a little more considerate and honest with me.

(Honestly, I don't know if any of that made sense to you, it was more just a rant. But to give you an overview I'm pissed that men keep ghosting me and that dating is so frustrating.)