Drugs, Friends, Food

I went to #btv this weekend, always quite a trippp man....
but no I did not trip. I did take a trip yes, to burlington but no drugs for me, although they were, as always, everywhere.

Burlington really is a drug friendly city. Good drugs, clean drugs, dirty drugs, mild, hard, they're all there. I'm sure you can find a mutlitude of drugs in any city and maybe it's just the people I know... but I just always encounter drugs in this city.
Even when I first visited Champlain college with my mom the smell of pot was evident. Sometimes whole streets in Burlington reek of pot.

Burlington is obviously a trigger for me. The people I don't want to see, the houses I use to get fucked up in, the drama, the drugs...
I am at a point now, though, where that stuff doesn't matter. I am really happy with life and I don't want to get fucked up. Don't get me wrong the smell of sweet mary jane is so enticing but I know what I have to lose and that I have very little to gain with that stuff.

It is nice to be in VT and see old sights. Old places I loved, like My Little Cupcake, and people that have helped me be a better person.

Although people are constantly fucked up in Burlington they still manage to be cool humans, most of the time...
Every time I go to burlington there are at least three people that give me props and tell me they admire me for my sobriety and what I'm doing, which is really cool in my eyes.

I don't know how many times I will go back to Burlington, VT. The number is definitely limited. There's not much left for me there.
It's an interesting vibe this last visit.

People are either still in college- about to enter the real world, lingering in burlington after college, or have entered the real world in Burlington. Some people love where they are at, emotionally and physically, and others absolutely hate it.

I am really glad I got out of Burlington. I'm glad I don't pine for it anymore. It's good to miss it because I really had something to miss but it's fading now, it's not the same.

I will say though, I am extremely proud of my best friends in Burlington. They are doing amazing things. From putting on music festivals, start up business projects, to landing jobs and being dedicated and working hard to finish school. I am so happy to have them in my life and love that they are doing amazing things with theirs.

I am happy to be in Philly. I am happy to have a life I care about building and making better. I am happy to have friends, and that I am constantly making new ones.


Life is good for now. And I'm really happy about that.

I will say, I did a lot of eating this weekend, and everything was delicious. NOT JUST CUPCAKES, but mostly the cupcakes.

Just a quick PSA For Bitches Who Think They're the Shit.

I don't like it when people aren't nice to my friends. It's not even that I don't like it, it's that I simply won't stand for it.

I set the bar high in all aspects of life. I am selective in the people I choose to be my friends.
The criteria is not superficial, it is based on integrity.
It takes me a little while to warm up to people, it's like a process.
First I meet someone. Then I decide in my head if they are a good human, this can take an allotted amount of time, from a week to possibly a year depending on the human.
Once there is a mutual agreement of good friendship, I then love them. And true love lasts a lifetime. This undertaking can vary.
Sometimes the attraction is quick and the love long lasting. On occasion a friendship is short lived, then we both move on. This doesn't mean the love wasn't real. People come in and out of your life for a reason. However, I believe true love does not fade. Real friendships are rooted in deep love, trust and care.

Girlfriends

*My friends*

Life is about love. 

But I digress.

I am not one to talk behind people's back, especially at this point in my life.
 More over and most importantly, I do not stab the people I care about in the back, with words or actions.

I really do not stand for people who I like to talk about the other people that I like behind their backs. It is simply unacceptable. 

wtf.

Things happen, people fight, I understand that. But when you go out of your way to make my friend, or friends, feel bad I will not tolerate it. 

I've always said. I am not always nice but I am never mean. If you're going to be mean, you can simply, go fuck yourself.
I don't really care what people think about me.. if you haven't noticed... and there is only a few select bunch who I care about what they think of my actions.

To sum up what I am trying to get across and put it simply, all of you, well, bitches, *note not betches* who think you are fucking cute and everyone likes you... and you think your shit don't stink...and you think you can say whatever you want about whoever you want... just be warned, to stay out of my way. It's not cute.

Friends, helping friends, help friends. 

I Just. I Just. I Love Them.

I'm in the process of making new friends and forming tighter relationships with good people.

Recently I've met some kids from Temple, which is really cool, but I like really miss my friends.

I saw a bunch of my old friends from VT last weekend at The Frendly Gathering (if you want the full story check here) but I want to see my best friends.

I miss my soul mates.

I just love them. 

Luckily I have a few of them around, Emma and Victoria, and I saw Rita for a couple of days last week.

But I really miss some of my girlfriends. I just want to hold them in my arms.

It also doesn't help that I've been feeling really lonely.

I've been alone for a really long time. Like a really long time.
Some of my friends and I joke around saying "forever alone" but it's like at the point where it's not funny anymore. I've never had a serious relationship, mostly due to the fact that I avoid physical and emotional connections. But I've been changing over the past year... a lot...

I think I'm finally ready to let someone into my life. I don't wanna play the run around with anyone anymore. I think if the right person comes into my life I'll finally be able to let them in verses all the years I've pushed people away.

Now it's just finding the right person.

I've had a really shitty and good week all rolled into one. Hopefully this week will be slightly better.

I have a summer cold and I want to punch someone in the face. But I will not.
I will try to smile tomorrow.

The Miracle of Life.

I am baby obsessed. 

 

Mid way through my freshman year of college I called my mom and said, "Mom, I just really want a baby." Point blank. Naturally she freaked out. What mother wouldn't freak out when their 19 year old daughter said something like that.

I had to explain myself.

Babysitting (like my mother suggested) was no longer filling my needs. I wanted something that was all mine, something that I wrote the owner's manual for. No one would be able to take something like a baby away from me (I mean besides child services...)
Now, cool your jets, I wasn't going to go ahead and act on this instinct. I wasn't like being insane and trying to get pregnant. The thought of babies were just constantly on my mind and they seemed to be everywhere. Mothers taunting me with their beautiful infants with cute rosy cheeks that I couldn't pinch because they didn't belong to me. I just really wanted one.

My mom said to me, "you have to wait til it's fair to you and the child tohave one. It would be extremely selfish to have a kid right now" So very true Mary Beth.

These days I don't so much want to care for and have my own child. However, I o so badly want to grow a baby inside my stomach. I constantly think about it. Like what the fuck does that feel like. And eating for two? Yup I could do that.

One of my old bosses in cupcake land absolutely hated babies. She said they were parasites. I disagree. I mean I guess fetuses sorta are like parasites. They feed of you and live inside of you but at the end of it all... YOU HAVE A CHILD. I just can't even fathom what the feeling of something being formed inside of you could possible feel like.

I was talking to a girl from my work about this today and she totally agreed wanting to grow a baby. "It's totally cliche but birth really is a miracle!" So true. SO TRUE. LIKE A PERSON COMES OUT OF YOUR VAGINA FROM BASICALLY NOTHING
(insert crowning photo) (no I won't)



I can't even remember to flush the toilet after I use it let alone change a diaper right now. No no, it is not the time for a baby.


It is crazy to think that a baby really isn't that far away. MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK'S A TICKING.
As much as I want a babe and am fascinated by the idea of pregnancy, I'm not rushing it.

This is the last couple of years of my life I can be really selfish and I'm loving it. Plus I'm building a mom my children will be able to admire and respect.

When the time comes... I will be ready.
~CANT WAIT.~

My kids will be cooler than yours.