I Just. I Just. I Love Them.

I'm in the process of making new friends and forming tighter relationships with good people.

Recently I've met some kids from Temple, which is really cool, but I like really miss my friends.

I saw a bunch of my old friends from VT last weekend at The Frendly Gathering (if you want the full story check here) but I want to see my best friends.

I miss my soul mates.

I just love them. 

Luckily I have a few of them around, Emma and Victoria, and I saw Rita for a couple of days last week.

But I really miss some of my girlfriends. I just want to hold them in my arms.

It also doesn't help that I've been feeling really lonely.

I've been alone for a really long time. Like a really long time.
Some of my friends and I joke around saying "forever alone" but it's like at the point where it's not funny anymore. I've never had a serious relationship, mostly due to the fact that I avoid physical and emotional connections. But I've been changing over the past year... a lot...

I think I'm finally ready to let someone into my life. I don't wanna play the run around with anyone anymore. I think if the right person comes into my life I'll finally be able to let them in verses all the years I've pushed people away.

Now it's just finding the right person.

I've had a really shitty and good week all rolled into one. Hopefully this week will be slightly better.

I have a summer cold and I want to punch someone in the face. But I will not.
I will try to smile tomorrow.

Positive Things Happen to Positive People

Today should have been a fuck everything day.

However, it was not.

It was a day of gratitude and focusing on what I want.

This morning, I got fired from my job... Fuck everything right... NO NO NO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

I am thankful I am out of a job I didn't love, I am thankful for my supportive family and friends- especially my brother because if he wasn't home I'd be alone in my house (SHOUT BRUCE_LEE), my dogs for loving me so much constantly, I'm thankful there are jobs that are already coming my way.
Honestly, I'm also thankful that I'm still sober and that the combination of the difficulties of this weekend plus this combined has not lead me to a drink.
I also quit smoking cigarettes on Friday and I'm very thankful for my electronic cigarette.


Luckily this was an internship. I learned a lot, mostly what I do not want to do. It was fun being in an office environment but the drama was a little much. I liked working with a computer but not at doing something so mundane.

I really had been thinking that I wanted to move on from this position. I didn't think I would be let go, that was very upsetting, but everything happens for a reason.

The past couple of months I have felt many doors opening, and as @alishadurgin said "...maybe it's the universes way of ending that chapter for you."

So I'll take that.

By next Friday I will have a job situation set up and this fall I will have a more suitable internship for me.
That is that.

I just watched this documentary...twice... called The Secret. If you don't know what The Secret is you should check it out.
It's about the power of thoughts and the mind, specifically positive thinking. POSITIVE THINGS HAPPEN TO POSITIVE PEOPLE.

I can see my dream job in my head. I can see my office, what I'm wearing, and feeling like I'm really doing something- not just doing something, but something I love.

I will not beat myself up about this. I will move forward and grow.

No I in Frend.

I was one of those kids that you could see running around at music festivals, even more then just music festivals. My Dad and step-mom are very artsy and exposed me to good music and food at a young age. The arts are a big part of our lives. I've always gone with them to arts fesitvals and concerts. I can't remember my first time seeing live music or camping.

Last summer I wasn't really able to go to any concerts or do any festivals but like I said in my last post this summer is extremly different from the last.

A couple of years ago I went to the Phish music festival, Super Ball, with my dear friend Allison. I think that might have been my first music festival without my parents.
It was super fun but we did get there late and leave early, so that was kind of a bummer.

This weekend I attended my first sober music festival- but I guess that's not really true since, like I said, I went to them as a kid... but you know what I mean.

I wasn't really nervous about going to this festival, The Frendly Gathering, because I don't need drugs or alcohol anymore to have a good time. I did prepare myself that I would be tempted to do things but I knew I would be able to handel myself. However, I was extremely unprepared for this experience, literally and physically.

Let me start at the very beginning, because that is a good place to start... (anyone get that?)

Friday:
Woke up at 5am, got a speeding ticket in New York, ran over a turtle on a Vermont highway, finally arrived at Magic Mountain parked the car and waited in a two hour line to get to where we were camping... no cell service.
Found our camp site... after much searching... and proceeded to set up our tent, which took far too long.
People at this point started drinking, if they weren't drunk already. Then finally we went down to the main stage at the bottom of the mountain and heard some tunes. I ran into one of my favorite humans in the world, +Zachary Allott. That was probs a highlight of the day.
It had rained the night before and it was quite moist everywhere. O so then... IT STARTS DOWN POURING.
There were around 20, give or take, people in the group I was camping with. When it started raining we all huddled around the pop up tent and handels and beers started getting passed around. I took a step back and literally just walked out into the rain on my own.
I had my bathing suit on and a festival to explore. It was actually awesome walking around in the rain. I ran into some of my babuhs and buddies.
After the rain subsided we saw some more music and I changed into a few more outfits. There were several times I wandered off on my own.
By late night I was tired but it was good to be surrounded by so many frends.
One thing I've never noticed before was that drunk people can be really rude. At this point people were getting annoying and rude so I decided to go to bed. I went into my tent and I stumbled upon a puddle directly in the middle of my tent OH JOY. I cleaned it up with towels and then got into my sleeping bag... which was sopping wet.... I started silently, but surely, crying.
The day was just too much to handel.
So I prayed, read a reflection book that I had with me, and thought about all the things I appreciated about that moment and the overall day. I just prayed that I could sleep through the night.
Over all Friday was horrible. 

Saturday:
I woke up Saturday to Rita screaming my name. I slept through the entire night which was good. Miraculously I had cell service so I called my mom and told her how things were not going well...
I was planning on this trip being difficult because of temptation not because of dealing with other people. All of my triggers were around me- from dealing with the cops, to dealing with people I hate- but I was really proud of how I handled myself.
After bacon was made and consumed, a group of us ventured to a lake and then a VT farmers market. This morning set the day off on a totally different foot. When we got back the sun was shining and glitter was shimmering. We went down to a pond and watched Twiddle preform and it was the most hippy dippy thing I've ever seen.
The Burton main stage smelled like pure shit but the music sounded good. My dear friend, and inspiring entrepreneur, (Mr. Brian Sommers) went on a rigorous hike, met some people, and had some good talks. Then we ventured back to my campsite then off to see more music.
Like Friday, there were several times I wandered off on my own during shows like Conspirator. It was nice to just not be surrounded by people and step back and watch the craziness that was ensuing. It was really fascinating. It really would have been nice to have someone to wander off with but I am also happy with my best friend... Yup. Me.
All of the performances on Saturday were really cool and I all together had a much much better day. The cherry on the top was being front and center for @paperdiamond. I womped my face off.
Over all Saturday was pretty awesome. 

Burton Tent- made a dream catcher... CRAFTS. 

Sunday:
We got packed up and on the road by 9:30am, and home to PA by 3:00pm.
When I got home I was exhausted physically and emotionally.


So overall...
It was about a 7 out of 10 for a weekend.

It was wonderful to see my friends, but hard to be around them while they were so fucked up.
Being surrounded by music I knew I there would be no way I wouldn't have had a good time.

I will def go to another festival when I can but next time I will hopefully have a buddy.

No drugs and I still look insane. 

Head First

Well hello my Yabbers. I must say I am so sorry I haven't been blogging. I've been very busy, which is new for me, and I haven't been making time for FuckYab.

It seems I finally am starting to have a life again. This could be for a number of reasons.
First of all, it's summer. For some people summer is a time to relax- and it's not like it's not a time to relax for me-, but summer is when I shine. There are concerts to be seen, sun to be bathed in, work to be done- full time-, and friends are around.

I've always had friends around but with my lovely graduates fresh out of college it's great to have a lot of people in closer proimiety to me. Over the past year I also declined a lot of invitations to do things. Now, I've made a commitment to saying yes. I'm jumping into the cold water and facing my social anxiety to hopefully minimize it, BAM

Last summer ('12) was a time of serious seclusion and recovery, this summer is different. It feels like it's going to be a good summer, which is ironic because it's summer '13 (unlucky) but I'm feeling lucky ladies and gents!

The second reason I could be starting to have a real life again is because I have been entered back into the program (AA), slowly but surely. I have a meeting I go to every Thursday, and I just went to a Monday meeting that I'm gonna start hittin.

It's still very nerve racking and uncomfortable for me to make friends and mingle sober but I'm trying to dive into the cold water. I go to group therapy twice a week and I'm contributing lots. I'm still not sharing in meetings but I did finally go up and get my one year coin this past Thursday when I celebrated 15 months.
Just getting up and walking in front of everyone was very scary for me. Even though I try to remember that everyone else is probably just as unsure of meeting new people as I am, I still feel very different and, well, new to the program.
But I am meeting people. I'm saying yes to doing new things rather then sit at home and wonder how things would have gone.




It's been a long time since I've actually had my days fully filled. For a little while I had a fear that would never happen again, or at least not for a long time. Life definitely isn't the same as it was when I was constantly surrounded by people I new and was so comfortable with in Burlington. I don't know if I'll ever have that agin. I think I will conquer other cities, starting with philadelphia, but Burlington will always be and stay my first love and introduction to familiarity.
I don't pine for Burlington like I use to, thank God that that's over.
I see Burlington for what it was/ is: beautiful and intoxicating. I will always love that city but I'm happy I'm growing up from it.

I will keep you more updated on how this summer goes because I feel like it is going to be interesting. I can't foresee what's coming but I'm excited. I no longer have a feeling of warning uncertainty. I am following my intuition into an unseen and unimaginable bright future.





And I do this by staying #groundedbyglitter.

Time to Jump In. 

Time to Let Go.

Soaoao...

It takes me a really long time to get over things. I can't help it. I hold on to shit and don't let go.
There is this one particular person that it has taken me a really long time to get over.

One day I had this moment where I thought I was just over it... then a week later I wasn't.
I mean it's not like I didn't move on, I just wasn't fully over it.
Now, I really don't care. 

For a long time I envisioned the timing being right between me and this guy and it being magical and perfect. I don't want that anymore.

I was always scared to confront my feelings about this situation, my friends would say that's total bullshit because I talked about him for a long time. I heard a girl say the other day that she was in love with a guy that didn't love her back. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think I ever had time to love this person. I just thought about the sort-of relationship for a long time, over thought it- over analyzed. And maybe I was a crazy girl about it, I don't think I was. But I did refuse to let go.

Now, I can happily say I would never want to get back with this guy ever.
Not only saying that, but really feeling that way, opens so many doors. It's like a huge wait off my shoulders actually letting go.

Time to let go. 

If you see my driving around town you will likely hear me singing this song at the top of my lungs:

I just freaking love Miss Lovato. Her latest album is like my crack. I  JUST LOVE GIRL POP MUSIC. Demi helps me to be the Warrior I strive for.

I'd also like to mention Miley Cyrus' new video because it's simply out of control. I mean it's like FuckYab summed up in a music video. I hate Miley Cyrus but this video is so fucking cool.

Stop, O, Wait a Minute

I tend to jump the gun. Like, planning out things in my head, especially in regards to what people are going to say. I have full on conversations with myself of what I think will happen with someone, somewhere.

Constantly I'm get ahead of myself but I'm learning to value pauses.

Sometimes pauses, especially the awkward ones, make me uncomfortable...to say the least. It makes the wheels in my head start to churning.
I'm finding that if I just actually pause, and not plan out, it's usually better then getting ahead of myself 

I use to not value the in between because when you're in the middle you can't  alway see above or below clearly. I think that's really important.

It's ok to not know what's going to happen.

You have to live in the moment 

Because you can't see the future, as far as reality goes, and you can never get back the past. 

I don't want to tell you why I've been thinking about this...
but obviously I'm going to...
It's because I've become addicted to the app tinder. Yup. Lonely girls looking for a man. Not actually, it's just fun to talk to people.
I use to be asked a question, give an answer and not really wait for a response, just immediately ask a question in return.
Now I give a response and wait to see what someone has to say back.

I've also been putting myself out there IRL and talking to new people. When I first started doing this- which was a big step because I was a shut in for a little while- I was very over-conscious of the pauses in between questions and conversation.

But I'm seeing that they are just a part of life.

My dear friend @lissyturner sent me this quote that's super applicable:

"If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. If we want sex, we masturbate. If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored.

• Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment."
  (That's from elitedaily.com)

Enjoy the pauses because soon they will be over and you will have to deal with what you're dealt. It's ok to not jump the gun, or even be stuck in the middle grown because things are still happening.

In the wise words of +Zachary Allott : Bere here now.