This past week I had 4 years sober and I still want to have a drink.
Sometimes I get the impression from friends or family members that they think I've been cured of my alcoholism and addiction because I no longer do drugs or drink.
I also have friends that think I have come so far since I got sober and am moving mountains.
"You are an inspiration to all women."
I'd say I'm somewhere in-between those two mind sets. I am by absolutely no means cured. In fact it's still hard to do a lot of things without a drink. But I'm kinda like a bonsai tree that has been pruned. I'm growing around a lot of difficulties/ shit. And at the same time four years doesn't feel like shit. It's just one day after the next that somehow has turned into four years.
I went on my first date without a drink, I've made friends through the comradeity of being sober, I've gotten jobs, I've kept jobs, I've acquired goals, I've had a relationship, I've gone to bars and had a better time than the drunk bitch falling down, I've lost friends, the list goes on.
But let me tell you, my life is still fucking hard. I think half the time I don't drink is because it would add another layer of insanity to my already insane life. Seriously if a camera followed me around for a week you would clearly see why I absolutely do not drink.
And I 100% am an addict. I do too much or too little. I throw myself into shit only to fall out of it or to fall out of life. I eat a whole box of cookies and can not eat one. Literally I'm not exaggerating.
I think it's easy too to say oh I haven't grown. Because how can I remember what it was like to not know what I now know? I have a hard time dealing with that. Remembering what it was like before I got to where I am. I either give myself too much credit or not enough.
Here's what I'm going to do for my 4 year anniversary, I'm going to tell you what it's been like being sober. Once a month approximately, I go somewhere and I tell my story about what it was like while I was drinking, how I got sober, and what it is like now. That story obviously has changed a lot since 2012. It's four years later and the shit that has happened in those four years feels like lightyears.
My first year of sobriety pretty much consisted of me never leaving my house and crying a lot. Sleeping a lot, taking a lot of medication, doing a lot of therapy, writing a lot, and not wanting to interact with anyone who I didn't have to. Something that I forget a lot of the time was that people scared the shit out of me. I have social anxiety and when I got sober I could barely fucking speak to a stranger. So as a result of that I rarely left the house and I refused to do AA.
I didn't initially decide to just give up alcohol for the rest of my life and the idea that I was an alcoholic was not something I was ready to admit. A part of me thought if I went to AA I was giving up and hanging up my hat. So instead, I stayed home and cried.
I visited Burlington probably four times that year and every time I visited I cried, but it was less and less.
Because I refused to socialize with human beings in a face to face interactions I took to the internet. There was a guy who I talked to quite a bit that ended up- unbeknownst to his knowledge- saving my life. He didn't drink because he didn't think it was cool and he actually really thought it was cool that I didn't drink. That changed my life. A guy being interested in me for me and not the fact that I was a drunk bitch. That was the first time in my adult life I started to realize I was worth more than a drink.
A lot of my alcoholism had been to cover up who I was. I hated myself for a good portion of my life. I thought I could only meet boys when I was drinking. This might seem superficial or silly to some but I am so deadass serious. The fact that a guy was interested in me because I didn't drink changed the way I thought about myself and ultimately changed my life.
My through process went from not drinking for one year to not drinking indefinitely. I never said never but I was no longer preparing myself for my next drink.
After I had a year sober I ran into the woman who ran the first IOP I went to and she invited me back to meet some clients. I met some people who I went to my first meeting with in years. I jumped right into it. I got a sponsor that night and I began doing the steps with her.
When I started to do the steps I started to breathe life again. The fears of humans started to slide away and I started to realize that me not picking up a drink didn't mean I had to not live life. In fact it meant I got to live a better quality life.
Year two of sobriety was kick ass. I made friends. Like really great friends. I went to tons of meetings. I started to have fun. I was able to go out dancing. Year two was like really living again.
I should say I stayed away from men for a long time. I thought about them but getting my life back in order was way more of a priority to me.
Then one day I let men back into my life. And I realized I could do that sober. I could have sex sober! Which was a crazy thought to me considering I lost my virginity in a black out. I was terrified to have sex sober. Then I did it and it was painless, and probably way less sloppy...
I moved into an apartment sober. I paid my own rent and utilizes while making an honest living. I met a guy and had a relationship sober. Then I had heartbreak sober.
I watched two people I live with relapse and I stayed sober. I found drugs in my room. Drugs in my best friends room while she told me she was sober. I learned that admitting powerless to alcohol also meant in regards to other people. Just because I was staying sober definitely did not mean everyone else was to.
I had to deal with other peoples active addiction. This has been the hardest part of sobriety for me. Seeing my friends throw away there lives. I've seen half of my friends relapse and go back out into the throws of addiction.
In my third year of sobriety I saw both my dogs and my former roommate/best friend die. I graduated from a year of full time service to America's poverty and I signed up for another year. I saw my best friend in sobriety have the most beautiful baby girl. I traveled to the West Coast and met a ton of really cool sober people.
I've learned how to deal with ups and downs. I've learned emotions are ok things to feel. It's good to cry and be sad and then be happy again.
That's the basics of my life sober. It's not my whole story and it's not all I see myself doing. I would never say "I'm not drinking for the rest of my life." Everyone has their limits in life. But I do know one of my many mantras in life are "Don't take a drink."
I am happy with my life and what I have created for myself. I still have a lot more I want to do. A lot more I want to achieve. I pray to God to keep me sane, out of the hospital, and away from a drink.
Here's and cheer's to 4 years...
