10 things about 10 years sober

It's July 12, 2022. And I realized I haven't said something here, on this blog that held my hand as I got sober, that I did it. I made it to ten years sober. 

It's almost selfish of me to not share that here. In the safest space I ever created for myself. And I don't even have 10 years right now, I had it in March. 

I just actually went to a zoom recovery meeting and shared my story. And that reminded me I have a blog with my story on it and what an addition these last few undocumented years have been. They somehow have been more technology induced which has almost made me gravitate less to writing online, well writing in general. When I first got sober I barely had a smart phone and now I have two laptops, a kindle, an ipad and an iphone- on top of heaps of other pieces of technology. I even work in tech now! 

It was definitely easier then, to sit down and write at my computer versus now I have a miniature computer in my hand, or on my wrist, that I am constantly trying to get rid of and turn off. Moving to Colorado was also an opportunity to be less plugged in, yet somehow I now live in the tech hub that is Denver, CO. 

A lot has happened to me in my life, let alone the last decade. I also somehow have my own small business?! I give my story now and I am trying to just get past the whole "what happened" in my drinking part, and more onto the "what happened after". I was talking about regret today and I really don't regret a whole lot of my life. Maybe that's because I now I feel like a lot of the time that reality is not even real and I am just creating a journey in front of me. 

But I do remember what it was like to be hopeless. I remember what it was like to have nothing to the point I really had nothing to loose- but for me when that happened I chose to get sober. There was a freedom that I do sometimes crave in having nothing. Now I have built this life for myself where if I was to drink I would have so much to loose and throw so much away. 

I kind of hate being a role model sometimes though and having people depend on me and wish I was just a little nothing no one depended on, but what I luxury that is right? Sometimes I just wish I was still a piece of shit so no one saw me as a good person because if I were to fuck up it would be big and it would disappoint a lot of people that I care about. You can think I am an asshole for saying that but it is a lot of pressure. Like my family brags about my sobriety a lot which is adorable but if I were to fuck up on this front... I literally don't even know. I'm not fucking perfect I just tend to tell the truth about pretty much everything- radical honesty- and I really don't have anything to hide. I still make a hell of a lot of mistakes, but now I learn from them. 

But dude, these last few years have been fucking hard. Not even so much my life, but it's like just sitting n my front porch watching the world crumble and sometimes I want to join them. I don't want to cry alone about how sad things are always, I want to go out and cry into the street and set things ablaze. I have stayed sober through living alone in a pandemic, seeing friends drink or die, loosing friend completely unrelated to drinking, watching evil people get the most power possible, seeing families loose everything due to other people greed, watching people fight, feeling helpless as the world burns down. Fire is part of life though so I hope it's all just part of our rebirth, age of Aquarius process.  

10 years ago I was living in my own personal hell while it seemed like everyone else was thriving. Now, I am literally living my best life, finally figuring things out and everyone/thing else seems a mess. 

And I fucking hate when people tell me "your so lucky you got sober young". It wasn't like any this stuff was easier, or that my 20s weren't an insane time, I just had to handle it different to stay alive. I didn't have the luxury of having a drink because I couldn't. But I don't regret it, I do sometimes regret- or resent- having to be sober through a lot of my life. Because it's hard. 

I have also had to rid my life of people who can't meet me here. At this point in my life drinking is just not something I do. I am able to handle the ups and downs without it. I work really hard at that. Getting sober has been sooo much more then getting rid of the substances. It's been allowing myself to be me. Creating a loving and trusting relationship with Gabriella, and figuring out who she is. Some how I got really lost and hopeless on the road of life at a really young age. I couldn't be with myself for more than a day. And I have spent years finding me again and now I get to just be the best version of myself. I no longer judge myself, or others, so harshly. But I know when to get out and move on. I really don't have the time, space or energy to entertain negativity or superficial bullshit. And unfortunately, as a result of that I have lost a lot of friends this past year alone. 

That's been a really tough part of this- the losing part. There's only a handful of people who I started this journey of sobriety with that are still here. There have been people so close to my heart that have died or disappeared, and there have been people who I have not been that close with but their deaths have struck me. I think as a result of that, for a long time I clung to a lot of friendships in order to not loose people. I think now at this stage in my life, I understand it can be ok to let go of the things (or people) no matter how close, that don't serve me or care for me. And I have people that are worth clinging to, and I do. I have learned there are people that are worth keeping in touch with, and not everyone is good at keeping in touch and that's ok because they are there when it counts.  

Health issues have also been a crazy aspect to enter my life in the past few years. And seeing the people who have showed up for me during those times has been really instrumental. Also at the end of the day, a decade is a long time! And people change. I certainly have changed, I hope to continue to change to become more and more of me. To do more and more of what makes me happy. I guess I just give less of a shit than I truly ever did. And I also have said I don't care what people think for a long but I really have been truly feeling that more and more these days. 

Ok so here it is, the 10 things I learned getting sober:

1. The more you know, you know you don't know shit. Keep seeking. Stop saying "I know." And just be open to learn

2. Strive for progress not perfection. You do not need to be perfect to get things better or right, you just need to try. And if you fail, get the fuck up and try agin. 

3. I wish you a long and slow recovery. You didn't fuck up your life in a day and it is going to take a little while to put it back together. Don't get discouraged, it is going to work out- if your willing to do the work, have patience and trust. Don't try to rush through it. There's no graduating from this. Keep a journal too and it will make it make more sense- it doesn't have to be public on the internet- and youll be able to see the changes. 

4. Do not put anyone or anything before your recovery. Put yourself first in this case.

5. The world might not get better- the world might get shitter. But this will make it easier. And nothing is that bad even though it might feel like it. Your feelings cant kill you. Nothing is worth drinking over. Listen to music, love hard, live. 

6. There is not anything you can not do. If you want to do it you can. Have this attitude, ask for help, lean on support, you can fucking do it- whatever it is, even if that is getting out of bed. 

7. Things might not matter. There might not be a God, we might be in the matrix. But do good. What is the point of being an asshole if it doesn't matter. And you have the power to be good and create good. 

8. Think about it from their perspective. Period.

9. Feel life. Be fucking happy, cry. Be sad. It's ok to fucking feel. You can be angry, you can sit in anger. But don't live in it. Do what you need to to let it go. If you need to listen to metal music and scream one day then do it but learn how to walkaway and take a pause. Turn on the radio.

10. Find Something to believe in. This isn't easy. I am not going to lie to you and say it is. You can choose misery, unhappiness, self pity, misery, fuck shit, or death- or life and love. One day you are gonna look at your life and either be like "wow." or like "wooooooow." This life is worth it, and you are fucking worth it.

And be nice. Help others. 

I could go on but that's enough. I wish I had more wisdom for you. I remember picturing myself getting my ten years sober coin and sobbing and not believing I did it- but when it came down to it, it just came really fucking fast and I was like woah. So let me emphasize this- I am really fucking happy. I have created a really great life. I have a spiritual foundation that literally could not be broken right now and I love adding more aspects to it everyday. I don't feel like I am on the wrong path and I am supposed to be somewhere else. I love my cat and my partner so much. I love our life. I love my life. I can do whatever I want to do and create what I want to create. I have been feeling so shitty honestly that I haven't done enough in these ten years, but that is enough and more than enough. And people close to me are like, "are ya kidding?" I have already had two careers. That's more than I thought! So thank you blog once again for letting me work this out. 

I am not some guru and I have another 10 years to work on now. I am just more me. I think sometimes as humans, at least this human, I make life really complicated and a whole part of this journey has just been enjoying the ride and not making things so hard. Even as I write that a sigh of relief escapes from my body. My 8th grade year book quote was "All I can be is me- whoever that is" by Bob Dylan. I really didn't realize how profound I was at that time. Maybe I have peaked. But I doubt it.