I am currently in the craziest times anyone in my lifetime has experienced- at least in quite a while... I remember learning about the bubonic plague as a kid and going to a museum and seeing the plague doctor's outfit. I remember it thoroughly freaking me out and learning ring around the rosie was actually really dark...
This wasn't something that haunted me though because it felt very medieval, like the torture chambers they used back then, not like something I would ever encounter.
Yet here I am, unsuspectingly living through a plague.
I am actually surprised it has taken me this long to sit down and write since for the past month I have been mostly confided to the small space of my studio apartment and my boyfriends 1 floor apartment. This whole experience has been a whirlwind. I mean things are constantly changing, from being able to eat out, to days later not being able to go anywhere and the grocery stores randomly running out of toilet paper. Wtf...
I have been on a wilder rollercoaster ride then usual these days, maybe in another amusement park all together. I am constantly trying to stay in a state of gratitude. I have made a gratitude jar, blessing jar and banishings jar that we contribute to daily. But sometimes no matter how much you bless or banish things from your life metaphorically, you still break down.I go from happy to five minutes later wanting to rip my skin off because I feel so confined. Apart of me wants to flee but there is literally no where to go as our whole world is being effected by this. It does feel a bit apocalyptic, but in a way where something is ending and something else beginning. When I sit outside I feel like I am in Pleasantville sometimes and it freaks me out.
I like having this time to get stuff done in my space. I have been able to finish projects I didn't think would get done and bake a lot more. I really have a lot of introverted ways so this time for me is not the most difficult, but then some days I feel very useless and restricted. I'm a virgo and I stress clean. I bake a lot, like a lot. I've had to cancel multiple vacations and my family is all very far away.
Plus, I already have completely unrelated health issues that I need to go talk to the doctor about pretty urgently. This stress of this time that has manifested through my body has made my condition worse. I throw up sometimes 3 times a day because I can't fully swallow my food and sometimes I get unrelated to food spasms in my esophagus that legitimately feel like heat attacks. I had a spasm the other day and became hysterical because I have no idea when I will be able to see my doctor again. And like an hour before that I was happy and fine. It's like everything is fine and normal until you remember it isn't....I have been watching my friends lose their jobs left and right, and staying very thankful for the position I have been in. The first of my friends to lose their jobs were the service industry, which is the industry my company deals with. I have felt like a FEMA worker for restaurants, trying to reassure them everything will be ok. Well today, others had to give me that reassurance because my company was the one that got hit with lay offs. I know this is unavoidable but I'm honestly just really sad. I worked my ass off all last year to find a job I liked and I wound up with one I really loved. Also being able to have working days during this shelter in place has kept me very sane.
I still stay in gratitude. I know that no matter what happens I will be taken care of. I have my higher power and faith, family and my support system. It just kinda sucks. Also everyone, I mean everyone, I work with was blind sided. So it was a tough, weird, emotional day. I understand though, the state of the restaurant industry and our economy is horrible. I am glad I am not alone but I wish we didn't all have to suffer through this.
Someone also remind me that the work I did last year was not in vain. My goal in switching industries was to try and find something I enjoyed and I did do that. I figured out my niche and once businesses is back to usual I have no doubt I will thrive.The thing that is truly the hardest for me right now is whenever my life or the world has gotten shitty in the past 8 years I have always been able to get myself up, take a shower, get dressed and go to a meeting. Or maybe run to a meeting crying covered in hardship. But never did I foresee not being able to go physically sit in an AA meeting. That wasn't part of the fucking deal. We have established online meetings and they are helpful but I am just struggling not having the one thing I was always promised. So I must compromise and try and make it work.
Right before all of this happened I was kinda walking around constantly checking over my shoulder because things were so good in my life I knew it wouldn't stay that way forever. You have to appreciate the good days because you never know when things will change. Even in quarantine, with a roof over our head, good food to cook, company and my cat I still have much to be grateful for and good days to have. In the words of my Pop-pop, "No one ever said this was gonna be easy". Life is very unpredictable and you just have to learn how to deal.
I turn to my higher power, my practice of craft and to live in light. Those who don't have a faith I believe haven't lived with hardship for very long. You can say I am leaning on my faith, but I choose to believe. We have to choose positivity during this time or you will, well, lose your fucking mind.
I have had a lot of time to devel into the arts again. Watching films, crafting, listening to more music, baking, reading. In the normal day to day 9-5 life it's sometimes hard to make time for these things. If there is anything I will learn from quarantine its to make more time for the things I love. I want to live with as much passion as Dermott Kennedy.
I am sure for others this experience is incredibly different. People are having a better or a harder time and everything in between. I can only speak to my experience right now. No matter how you're doing you're not alone. Although we are pretty isolated right now we still have so much technology that keeps us connected so call me if you need a laugh or a photo of chewy. And go pursue your hobby! Make the most of this time, I guarantee you we will never have an opportunity again like this to turn inward and find more truths about ourselves. Time is more valuable than anything else we have so make the most of it, and get outside if you need to.
After writing all this I really have realized how much my life has changed. If it was even just a couple of years ago I would not have this attitude. I would be freaking the fuck out, saying Fuck it daily, and most likely picking up a drink. Right now I do have a strong urge to say fuck it and want to drink. However, I have worked really hard on finding a center of balance and becoming a ray of fucking sunshine. Not to mention I have seen worse days than this. This too shall fucking pass. My personal mantra for half of my life has literally been, "this will all be over before you know it." Good or bad life moves fast and like I mean how am I almost 30? 1999 feels like yesterday. Soon we will be romanticizing the quarantine days and thinking ugh I wish I was still stuck in quarantine. I am not trying to down play how shitty things are- I literally lost my job yesterday. But this too shall pass so buckle up and just ride the fucking wave. Things could always be worse. We will all be ok, even if we are not.
