I haven't updated this since September?! Jesus h christ.
I think it's so hard for me to stay on top of my writing and this blog the past few years because they've been blowing by.
Like the statement alone: "these past few years... have been blowing by" Like ...
I remember when I was younger and wishing so hard I could drive a car with my license. It felt like a few years was a lifetime. The few short years I was in college and was underage felt like FOREVER. I think when you've lived so little life seems short.
The days go by quicker than ever before and life comes at me FAST.
Which is good and bad. It's good because the bad doesn't last so long. It's bad because life's beautiful moments slip between my fingers so quickly! I want to hold on to them tighter and tighter.
You have to appreciate the good days, you really do and value the time you have with family and friends.
Please people remember this.
I love writing this time of year because it's a NEW CHAPTER of life.
uhh speaking of...
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know some of you may have heard.... (probably because I told you) I am working on a new more adult, and PG, blog. I had planned on debuting it by now but the truth is I am really scared. I can't think of my life without this blog. I don't think I would be closing the door, I think I would be turning the page. Which is why the blog is titled: "Yab's Next Chapter" because it is.
But think it's so scary for me to physically turn that page...
So scary in fact that I started writing this blog at the beginning of January and I am now finishing it at the end of February...
But the fact is I am not ready to debut "Yab's Next Chapter". I will keep you updated.
Right now I need to fill you in on the past... well year... and the current... well New Year.
It's now 2020. So with that being said I will need to review and reflect on 2019....
I feel like there were a lot of memes and a lot of people saying 2019 sucked. Not to play into this negativity but
2019 sucked ass.
I'm just going to say it ok, I hated 2019. I was 7 years sober for most of the year but that literally means nothing sometimes. I am just a 28/29 year old trying to piece together what life is.
I felt like this year I actually had to figure my shit out. I had quit my job in nonprofits at the end of 2018 and I truly did not know where the fuck I was going. I spent days on end applying to jobs and getting literally no where.
Real talk, I also came really fucking close to drinking again and smoking pot. Someone asked me the other day "Does sobriety get easier?" Sometimes the answer for me is truly no. It does not go away. I am not cured from wanting to drink and use drugs.
The fact of the matter is I have created a new life for myself- wait- I have created A LIFE for myself. But as the alcoholic I am sometimes want to flush that shit down the drain.
This happens because:
1. I forget what I have to do
2. I forget how far I have come
3. I stopped doing the things I have to do to stay healthy
it's mostly those 3 things combined.
I was so miserable this past year. I kept thinking, "if I just get...I will be happy". I thought getting the man I love to be with me would make me happy- we were finally in love and it did not cure me. I thought quitting my job would make me happy. I thought it was Colorado that was making me miserable. I thought if I got my dream job I would finally be happy- and then I didn't get offered the position, twice. All of the things I didn't want to happen happened. I had to move out of my perfect apartment because it got to expensive. I was working weeks in a row with no days off and about four jobs- seriously, this is not an exaggeration. I got fucking fired from a dumb part-time job that I hated but it still made me feel like a fucking loser.And that was my rock bottom.
After that happened I fully gave up trying to force everything to work out. I was praying to God in the exact way I knew I was not supposed to, "God help me get this job and I know everything will be better." blah, blah, blah. Finally, I let the universe guide me again.
You shouldn't ask for things. I learned this at a young age. You should work for things, yes. You should definitely be grateful for the things you have. You should utilize the gifts you are given. But it is plainly rude to ask for things that are not yours.
I started to relax and work harder on my spirituality and staying healthy and things fucking fell into place. I started helping other people again instead of crying about my privileged problems.
After two years of applying to jobs, I got offered basically three jobs in one week.
Then I had to pick one. I was terrified I made the wrong choice.
2020 so far has showed me that none of my choices are wrong and I am exactly where I need to be. I am in a job I love.
Working shitty jobs really shows you when you have it good. I also finally quit a job that made me feel horrible about who I was as a person even though I worked my ass off. I learned in the past two months of 2020 that hard work and strong work ethic is extremely important but I would also rather be a little bit broke rather than be treated like garbage or "the help". I have seen first hand that money doesn't buy happiness and I want to be happy.
Right now I have more responsibility than I ever have. I have my apartment, my cat, my relationship, my sobriety, a job I really car about, career and personal goals. For one of the first times I am not afraid of that responsibility. It is a driving force for me to be the best version of myself.
With that being said, life is still a constant freak out... (just a little less so)
it's that roller coast of life...
Why the fuck did our parents let us play "house" as kids? I manifested this shit for myself and I want to go back to the fucking playground.
It is weird to me too because my mom had me when she was 30. And now I am as old as when I first met my mom. She always seemed so much older and "adult". You look at your parents and you just see them as anomalies, all knowing, having the answer to everything, super human. But it makes me realize how human she is.
I'm also sitting here watching Beverly Hills 90210, which literally came out when my mom was 30, 30 years ago and it's like I'm having this nostalgic moment for her, wondering where she was in this life then.
I digress-
I should say too I have been really scared of writing. I don't know why. I don't know if I am avoiding my feelings, not wanting to look at them, or just doing other less important things. Lately I have been watching so much tv and evading my reality. I am deep in reality TV right now but the truth is I need to confront my reality.
back to that ultimate goal I always revert to:
Finding balance. Right now I am fairly balanced but I need to tip the scale a little bit more to follow my passions and continue to nurture my happiness.
I know I always promise that I will stay more up to date on my writing for you all, not that anyone cares lol, it's a promise to myself.
Well I am not going to promise it, I am just going to do it.
Thanks for reading and letting me share.
