Moving away from Philly has been really hard. I didn't leave Philadelphia because I hated it. I wasn't pushed out because I was uncomfortable. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because I had to. I had to for myself.
I am a really selfless person. I am comfortable saying that because other people have told me it's true. I was in AmeriCorps for 3 years... Yes I was finding myself but I also feel in love with helping other people. I am not boosting or trying to brag. I am by no means a martyr but I am an empath and I deeply care about other people. In fact sometimes, a lot of the time, I take on other people's problems. This can definitely get in the way of my own life and sacrifice my own happiness.
Leaving Philadelphia was a selfish thing I did for me. Sometimes it's important to be selfish. You have to put yourself first once in a while-- I actually have to constantly be reminded of this.
Self-care is really important. It's hard not to take home the work struggles I encounter. In all lines of work you should really be taking care of yourself to not burn out, but especially working with at-risk youth. On top of it I work a lot of 9+ hour days and when I come home I have to take care of me. Oh and I have two jobs. One full time and one part time.
I have really been struggling with this. Moving from Greeley to Denver has been tough with the change of pace, but moving from Pennsylvania to Colorado has been a lot to deal with this past year. It's made me question a lot of things.
Life has still continued to turn in Philly, surprisingly enough... Life continues on whether I am there or not. I have had to deal with a lot of shit happening home while I have been miles away.
And of course the grass is always greener on the other side...
Right now I wish I was in Philly but if I was there I probably would not be happy.
I left Philadelphia because I saw people never leave. I couldn't talk shit on people spending their whole existence in Philly when I was doing the same thing... So I left.I took a leap. I pulled the trigger. I actually did it. And you know what? I don't know when I will be back.
It took me over 20 years to fit in in Philly. It took me less than 10 months to find a life in Colorado.
I go home almost once a month now and it's really hard. It's like constantly getting back together with an ex. I see all the good things and not the bad. I start to romanticize. The reality of the situation is I would not be happy or satisfied there. It's not my city anymore. It will always be home but I don't belong there right now. Taking a risk sometimes involves feeling things you don't anticipate. Part of experiencing life is living and feeling all of it. Pain included.
It's really hard to say I don't know when I'll be back because there are people I love in that city. I wish I could transport them here. The fact is I am here and they are there. That is the now.
I get why people don't leave though. It's comfortable being comfortable and it's easy to feel content. Maybe it's my constant alcoholic need for chaos that has kept me searching for the next big thing. But I could see how you could be happy with being happy. I do envy that sometimes. I however, need to be constantly challenged and pushed to grow. So for me that meant leaving Philly.
My entire life I went back and forth between two house holds. My parents were divorced since I was two years old and whenever I would fully feel at home somewhere I would be told it was time to go to my other house. Fitting in has always been really difficult because I have never fully felt like I belonged.
The first time I felt like I actually belonged somewhere was summer camp. It was the most consistent and unabridged place that felt like home. It was my happy place and I ruined it by getting kicked out for drinking= first true depression; enter Burlington, VT.
Burlington, VT felt more like home than camp even did. I was ripped away from Burlington due to my drinking. Welcome my sobriety date of March 20th 2012. Losing Burlington was one of the hardest losses I have experienced in my life because I lost my sense of belonging. I've never felt so misplaced. There comes a point when you just need to stop losing everything. Saying the words "rock bottom" is completely different than feeling like you've actually lost and ruined everything. Literally everything. And for me that meant the home I was always searching for.
So when I moved back to Philly and I got a "new way of life" I made it my own. But because of my weighted history of fucking hating Philadelphia it was like a lover I never fully let into my life.
So I left...
My version of not staying in Philadelphia and your reasoning for never leaving are probably very different. And you know what, I know a ton of people who never left Burlington and it's the same situation. Although losing that "home" was such an incredibly trying experience, I am grateful I did not get stuck there and become resentful and bitter.
Right now I fucking hate not being in Philadelphia. I want so badly to be in two places at once moving with both spinning parts. Not coming and going while one goes on and so does the other.
I said in my last post I have never been in love and that's really not true because I have friends I love so much and wish I could be with all the time. So maybe I have experienced love on another level that some people will never understand.
For me friendships aren't going out, partying, taking pictures... It's being honest and telling the truth. If I am mean to you I probably really fucking care about you. Honesty is the foundation to any relationship.
I just sometimes look at my life and say WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.... LIKE CONSTANTLY.
I don't think I am the center of any universe except my own. And I really need to stop making other peoples problems burdens on my own life. I need to learn to just fucking let go. I just wish I could freeze time and be everywhere I want to be at once. However, all I can do is take care of myself, try and lend a helping hand to others, and hope they do what's best.
I love the life I live and am so happy. I just miss my friends and family that I love so much. I am so grateful to have a support system like I do.
Sometimes I miss the value of gratuity but I can truly say, even though I am super emotional and moody right now, I am so incredibly #blessed for the people that are in my life. I am the luckiest girl to have the people I do.
Also you want to talk about whiny-- I have been listening to Sarah McLaughlin this whole blog post so add that as your background soundtrack.
Onwards and upwards we go Yabbers...<3 nbsp="" p="">
