Shit is weird.
Like really weird. It feels weirder by the day.
Ok so it's been only two months since I was last here. However, it feels like a lifetime ago. If you are reading this in a year other than 2020- let me tell ya, this year was a wilder roller coaster than most of my life. I hope things have gotten better. I literally say. "God speed." Instead of, "Good bye."
April felt like a year, May felt like a week, June feels like it's already over and it's not.
One thing that has been extremely difficult for me has been that I haven't been able to go to in person recovery meetings and virtual meetings are not something I ever foresaw. For me getting my ass into a meeting and seeing humans is really important and when I got sober it was almost a guarantee that they would always be there for me. No matter how shitty things got in life or the world AA would always be there for me, until now. Virtual meetings don't give me all of the aspects that an in person meeting does. I know a lot of people are dealing with not being able to do a lot of different things right now, but not having my recovery in full operating order is quite different than needing a haircut...
For me going to meetings isn't about staying sober anymore, it's about keeping my fucking shit together and knowing how to live life. If I never had come into contact with AA, I for sure would be somewhere else, and it wouldn't be a good place. Luckily I have 8 years of developed recovery however I still am not very good at navigating life on my own. So I have had to reach out to a lot of people and make sure everyone else I care about is ok.
But my mood and life has been all over the place. I've been unemployed for about almost three months and the lack of structure is very hard for me. It's also hard because a lot of my days are spent searching for jobs so if I do get a new job my routine will shift yet again and I am not sure how.
Everything is just in the air and I feel like I'm trying to hold on so tightly to anything to just stay grounded.
I am also in the moving process which is scary to me because my space that I have become so comfortable with in this time of chaos is going to change. I have really security issues and not knowing where my home is going to be or what it is going to look like scares me.
I am so confused with life this week. Last week I was fine, maybe tomorrow I will be ok but right now I am really like:
Monday's are probably the hardest because I wake up with fear to have to deal with a whole week. I stay up way to late. I am having a really hard time relaxing.
I know, I have to know, that everything is going to be ok. Honestly, if I let go a little bit more the universe will be able to guide me. I know I have to rely on faith and know that I am loved and protected no matter what happens. I AM JUST LIKE REALLY STRESSED OUT.
And sometimes I explode. I go crazy, my emotions get out of control. 24/7 I am trying to make the right choice and sometimes I just don't. I am glad I can usually recognize where I went wrong and work on it.
Onwards and upwards. We must make progress or we are stagnant.
The tension in the world I just feel is so high. Riots, rebellions, revolutions. I am trying to educate myself more every day and help others to understand my perspective. I feel so much hatred even like when I'm driving in the car. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to add more hate in the world right now. Fear creates hate. Not being afraid right now is hard.
I don't know the answer. I don't even know what to right. I feel my platform is a place people come for hope. I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. I just want to tell you it's ok, and it's ok to not be ok. Especially right now.
I do want to say this though: you get more bees with honey. If you are trying to teach someone about what it is you think and feel you need to do just that, teach. Speaking out of anger is rarely effective. I know it feels like you may just want to yell and scream and tell people how fucked up their views are, but you can no reach people that way. Honestly, our world is in such division. We are not seeing each other as humans. We are seeing right and wrong and we need to remember we are all fucking humans. We need to speak to one another as such.
I think the whole culture of encouraging "Karen" behavior, by first of all entertaining it and giving it a name is not great. No one should speak at someone else.
I digress. You just need to do you're best. You need to put your best foot forward. Be kind, be compassionate. Try to live with passion even when it's hard. And don't forget, the right thing is not usually the easy choice.
Educate yourself and educate others. Conversation is powerful and empowering.
When you're uncomfortable you are growing, so world, we are growing.
