Gettin Jiggy Wit It

I haven't done a music blog post in a lonng time. And I've been hearing some good stuff, especially as this nice weather creeps in and you want to feel good...

Here's Yabs top picks:

Yes, yas, YAS. Two of my favs rolled into one.

Jack U is crazy good, obviously. It's Diplo and Skrillex.

Everything by Galantis I love. 

obsessed. 

And of course, 

My Side VS. Their Side

I think I need to work on compassion, understanding and most of all tolerance. 
(And it's interesting that I'm saying and writing all of this because I just went to a meeting that dealt with resentments, and having tolerance, and I am working to get rid of my character defects in my step work....
Life is all relevant.)

Lately I've been feeling all, " O woe is me! Everyone has wronged me! THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET ME."

Um how about we take it back a second Yab?


I need to work to understand that other people's day to day, is different than mine and we all have out own personal goals that may not connect or coincide.

I need to be more compassionate throughout my life for other people and what they have to deal with and go through.

And I need to be waaay more tolerant, of peoples time and needs. The differences we have in each of us is what makes living so colorful,
and sometimes I lose sight of that.

All of these things I have listed, go hand in hand. 

And I think it's takes a lot on my part, not just me, but the collective my part. You could almost say the we. 
I can not be so selfish all the time and think I have the worst slice of cake or the stalest cupcake. Because although things are shitty for me sometimes, they may be far worse for others. Especially for what others are not telling the rest of the world. The things people are keeping quite. The stale icing that people eat off the cupcake because they want to be polite.

I am not sorry for blogging, because it's what I do. But I'm sorry if I make it seem like my problems are so huge. Because they are not.

I'm not just talking about the kids I work with in North Philly, who are dealing with more than a shitty hand of cards, but a whole fucking deck, but I also mean everyone else. Like the person who says a snarky comment to me and I get pissed. Maybe I think I am working hard, but in some aspect of their life, they are working harder than me.
And it's not just being humble...but actually practicing humility.

I am grateful for so many things. One thing that I think I have, either acquired or developed, is the practice of digesting things. This can be either a good thing or bad thing, a double edged sword really. Someone may say something to me and it might eat away at me and drive me crazy without realizing it. However, sometimes it may make me think in a different way and deeper than I was before.

I do not mean to chastise people or burn them with the things I write. I've written before that it's hard to write publicly because you're writing about your experience.
The thing is though, my experience with a situation may be totally different from a person I've shared that interaction with.

There are three sides to every story: My side, your side and what really happened.
I know my side, we may never know what really happened, but I can hear your side.
I'm opening my ears.

Understanding is something I really strive for but I think maybe sometimes I lose perspective while writing so personally.

I tend to come to my own conclusions while writing and talking aloud. But I heard it once said, that a person that comes up with a question can not find the solution on their own. Which has never really made sense to me until now.

So I need to work on some things and I need to leave things a little more open ended and look at the situation rather than the solution or the conclusion.

I will conclude... with that. Oops.

It Is Finished. (but we already knew that)

Anytime I had a conversation with my 'ex' about emotions or "what we were doing", it never went the way I foresaw it going. Which means we were never, ever on the same page. From the first time I tried to figure out "what we were doing"... things did not go well. That initial conversation should have been a tell tale sign that things were not going to end well. And they didn't. They did not end well. The final break up was over the phone, four months ago, followed up by a controversial blog post on my part. Say hello to part two of that blog post... 

I think me writing that blog put up a big do not enter sign on my door, whether on purpose or by mistake. The door closed at that point. 

But I would be lying if I said a part of me was not hoping he called. Of course I was hoping he'd call. Things ended so abrupt.
Although if you think about it, it was not abrupt at all.

The night prior to me saying "I'm done," on the phone, was a literal shit show. I had had a Christmas party and when we were finally alone I had tried to roll him out of my bed while he was passed out because I was so angry at him. I took all of the pillows off the bed and threw them on the floor, except mine. But somehow I woke up with him on my pillow and me sleeping on him. I don't know how long I expected that to go on...

I currently am in a state of frustration. It is only a matter of time until I run into this human. Whether I like it or not. Philadelphia is small.
I feel bad for people who have dated within their group of friends because seeing your ex that often would drive one mad. It causes people to lose friends, I'm sure.
(Not saying me and this person dated.
Because we didn't. There were no dates. )
I waited and waited for him to call and he never did. I guess I wasn't worth fighting for. Which is fine. It wasn't meant to be. But now, every weekend I go out and the possibility of seeing him is constantly looming over my head. That is maybe more maddening then knowing you will see someone. 

I'm over this relationship and I'm ready to move on with my life. But I feel that when you have that exact attitude, that's when people jump up out of no where. Like, "HAI HI HERE I AM. IT'S ME. HELLO." I guess God truly does work in mysterious ways but, lord almighty. Send him away. Transfer him somewhere. Or let it happen already.

It's not that I'm scared or frightened to see him. It's that I think it will be at the most inopportune time. And I am nervous he will yell at me for my blog... to which there will be a giant afuckayew. 

Obviously there's a bit of closure that's lacking. I mean yes I have given my piece to the Internet. We all know how I feel about the situation, but I've had no response back. He never called ever. I haven't seen him. I said a brief merry Christmas but that's it 

Maybe we will never have enough closure though. Maybe even if I did see him every weekend and he called the next day I would still feel uneasy. Maybe that's life. It's just part of the moving on process. It's never quick and easy. And the quick and easy way is never the right way. 

I could sit there and pretend I'm un-phased. Sit pretty, happy and act calm and collected. But I'm Yab. I'm a writer and I leave my thoughts on the page and I can not keep holding on to anger and hate. Worrying about something that won't happen, especially when I expect it to. This is something you can't expect.
Breaking up, growing up, showing up, moving on, living life is hard. But it's life. And we must continue onward and upward. Let go, and live life.