Getting Sober in Your 20s

So I missed Christmas 2016 with you all, I missed being able to write a new years blog, I've missed months of writing.

Now the only reason I am writing is because I am killing time at a coffee shop. When you're trying to waste time you really find out the things you need to get done...

Of course I have had things to write about, but honestly the truth is I have been sucked so far into the television I hardly use my laptop anymore unless I am on the move.

But writing a good blog takes concentration and time, both of which I have at the current moment luckily....

My friend was getting rid of his TV a couple of months ago and was literally like, "Do you want this? Just take it." It's massive, like the biggest TV I have ever personally owned and it has fully engulfed me into the world of netflix and reality television. I have ADD so having a massive TV in my room all to myself is really limiting to the rest of my work life. Like I have a necessary fidget cube in my hand right now.

But I guess- touching on New Years 2017- I will right now, this very second, make a resolution to turn off my TV for at least one day a week. Hopefully dedicating more time to my true passion, this blog. My friend also suggested dedicating 20 mins or a half hr to writing and then turning on the TV, which seems like it would work v well, so let's give that a whirl!

The thing about TV and movies is, although they are great and all, surprise surprise, they take you out of reality. And the thing about me and this blog is that this is much more than writing to me, this is one of the many ways I work things out in my life. I am grateful for all the views I get on my writing but it is honestly more cathartic for me. It's not only getting thoughts on to the page but it's also making them public knowledge so nothing is left in me to stir and stew.

So what's going on with me right now...

Welp by the time anyone reads this I will have 5 years of sobriety. Which really just makes me feel old. I kid, this is a huge accomplishment for me. I think my last real milestone with my recovery was 1 year and that was 4 years ago...

Damn.

I was telling someone the other day, a lot of people have said to me, "Oh you are so lucky to have gotten sober so young."

Honestly, not really... I am lucky to have gone to my first AA meeting at 18 and given up drinking by 21? Umm no sir or mam that is not luck, that is survival. You don't hear about "young drunks" becoming "old drunks". You hear about them dying.

I am lucky enough to have had a white light moment where I could see clearly for about 2.5seconds and realized that yes I am an alcoholic, but also alcoholism would kill me if I didn't stop drinking.

And honestly, I don't care if I'm that girl who constantly is saying, "It's about life and death" because that's the reality of the situation.

If you have a coke problem and your super functional, all it takes is one bad night to LITERALLY KILL YOU. Same with heroin, molly, and fatal consumption amounts of alcohol.

I am eternally grateful that somewhere along the past five years my thinking changed from needing a drinking to learning how to survive without it. Because for me a glass of wine, or a craft brew is not worth a trip to a psych hospital for the third time, or worse.

But the reality of it is it's a lot easier to moderately drink through your 20s than be sober. I had to grow the fuck up starting at 21. I know 32 years who are not as emotionally mature as I had to be at 24. I had to learn how to skirt around "getting a drink" for a first date. I had to learn how to go on a date for the first time sober. I had to learn how to have two jobs and a ridiculous work week without having a drink on Friday or Saturday.
I am not one to sit at home so I had to learn how to go clubbing and to bars sober. I had to learn when and who to go out with that was safe for me. I learned to travel sober, like I went to Paris and had no champagne. I did have copious amount of meat and cheese to make up for it though.

I had to learn how important it was to actually tell people what was going on with me so I didn't want to kill myself daily, literally and figuratively. I have had my heart broken sober and I didn't drown my sorrows in booze. However, I have never drunk dialed an ex so we can count that as a benefit.

You're fucking 20s are hard enough as it is without not being able to have a drink.

and yes I know, I am only 26. So basically I have only been sober my early 20s but honestly, I don't plan on drinking anytime soon, which means I will probably be sober through my late 20s as well.

But don't get me wrong, there benefits to this life too, quite an abundance of them. At 20, I literally could not see a future for myself. All I was constantly looking to do was get to the next party, whenever wherever. Even if it was a month away, that is what I was looking forward to.

Now, at 26, I constantly am practically pinching myself and saying, "can you believe what your life has become." Even my hardest days sober are better than my worst days drinking.

Moving away from where I got sober and the friends I have made in this new life I have, had has been very fucking hard. I chose to do this. To leave my life and what was comfortable in order to push myself to grow, and as fun as this adventure has been it's been really fucking hard.

Over the past year I have felt incredibly existential so many time. My heart lies in Philly but I long for adventure. I expected to come to Colorado and absolutely love it here but honestly, that hasn't been the case at all. It's made me think so much about who I am and ultimately where my place is in this world. I could have stayed comfortable in Philly and never felt these feelings but I keep pushing myself to grow because that is what recovery is.

Shit has happened to me in the past few years that I honestly never thought I would be able to make it through sober. All of my reservations have been broken. A lot of people will tell you, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier..." I remember telling myself, "If my dog dies, I will probably have a drink." It was such a steadfast thought. And although having both my dogs die a couple months apart broke me down quite a bit, it didn't even cross my mind to have a drink.

Then when I decided to live with one of my oldest and best friends, and watched her eventually kill herself with drugs, I didn't pick anything up.

If anything these lessons I have learned without using have taught me how to survive and thrive, not broken me down.

I think a lot of people are like, "Oh it would be a fight or flight reaction and you don't know how you would act given the situation" I can honestly say my reaction to life is fight.
And if I get nothing out of being sober 5 years, I can honestly say I am fucking proud of that.

I am proud to be as my therapist puts it, "a badass" for being sober this long and learning to fucking fight through the shit.

Recovery is a battle and you are fighting for your life everyday.

The end of that saying is, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier... but it does get better". And that I fucking know is true.

I have met some of the most incredible people throughout my recovery and formed incredibly deep relationships. Including meeting my best friend Sam. I don't think I will ever truly connect with another human as strongly as I have with her and I am so lucky to have met her on this road.

So yes, getting sober is your 20s is not fucking easy, but it's definitely been worth it.