Still sober, still in a relationship.
So this blog has, over the years, become kind of a tell all about my relationships and mishaps. Well, it's also been about- whether on purpose or not- growing up sober and learning how to let love and light into my life.
Before I got sober I lived in a dark place of misunderstanding who I was and how the world around me worked. I wanted love in my life so badly but I ran so fast and so far away from it.
God, I was a cold hearted bitch! I was mean, I had a tongue that could rip you apart like a sword, either in front of your face or behind your back. To the men in my life especially. I tore men apart. Not in a 'feminist man hating' way, in a 'I fucking hate you never talk to me again and I hope you rot in hell' type of way.
I've been searching for years where I went wrong. What childhood trauma made me so scared that I couldn't look my feelings into it's face. Honestly, I think it's just simply a patterned I developed that became comfortable to me and eventually I couldn't escape it.
So now, dealing with my feelings... is incredibly uncomfortable.
Part of the reason I drank so much and so heavily was that dealing with men was very difficult for me so I would drink until it was comfortable. I literally had a drunk boyfriend for a couple of years. When I was sober I barely spoke to him and when we were both wasted we were more all over each other then the couples we knew.
So when I got sober, I was like fuuuuuck that. I stayed away from men for two years. Literally... barely even spoke to them. Seriously.
Then finally, after two years, I was ready to tip toe into the waters. Since then I've had my ups and downs- which you can read the play by plays if you peruse this blog EYE ROLL-
But it isn't until now that I've made serious head way. I am in my first real relationship and it's fucking terrifying. It's scary because it's new. And I don't like new things, I don't like change. I'm fucking terrified it's going to end at any moment. I'm afraid of getting hurt and because of that I'm afraid to let someone in. But I am working through it. And I have been for a while. But it's hard
It's frustrating because I feel I should have learned how to do a lot of these things at a younger age. Like I tell people a lot of the time I am in my first relationship and they're like no you're not
Uh yeah I am. But everyone goes their own pace...It's fine.
And honestly, I haven't been writing because- as you probably know- I like to write about things after the fact. However, I need to get this all out.
I hate talking about my feelings. And worse then that, I cant fucking do it. People are like "just say it, just tell them". It's like no no no but that's what I don't understand how to do. I guess it's just hard for other people to comprehend how incapacitating this whole thing is for me. I just go mute. I am definitely making progress and I think, like most things when you get sober, the more you do it the better you get at it. You just have to fucking do it Gab.
But Jesus Christ. I think I'm making a therapeutic break through, or at least I better be... I'm just feeling all of these things I've never felt before. I think I'm really proud of myself too for the progress I am making but it's seriously over whelming. I sat in my car yesterday and cried for no fucking reason. Like I honestly don't even know what the problem was. Well I do. I have things I want to say that I can't get out. So I've been crying because I can't say the things I want to say but I think I'm also crying because I have these emotions dissipating out of my body. I mean I work really hard at it. I cover myself in crystals, align my chakras, work with a sponsor, tons of therapy and yeah I do spells too. So thank go there's a fucking break through.
It's just a lot ok. I really never thought I'd get here. And you're probably like "What do you mean get here?" I truly thought for a very long time I wasn't capable of being with someone in a healthy way. I thought I was doomed to be alone forever and now I am realizing that's just not true. I think it's a matter of self love I have come to and even beyond that.
It's like I've become a whole human. I'm not talking about this relationship, I'm talking about me. I've learned to love myself so much that I am letting other people get there too. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't from the journey I've been on to get here.Hey Yabbers, thanks for being on this journey with me. It's been a treat to share all of this with you. Thanks for giving a shit about my life and helping me to find myself.
But the rides not over yet, onwards and upwards we go.
