Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall... Why was 2015 the Worst of Them All?

 As one of my new years resolutions is mediation (refer to above blog, final paragraph, resolution #4), I might as well start now.
And truly, how could we ring in a new year without a reflection?

So, in a nut shell- 2015 was probably the worst year of my life.

In January I was in mourning from a relationship that ended at the tail end of 2014 and on that note I had a series of pseudo-relationships that were all incredibly… bizarre… Just nothing good with men came from 2015, at all. Period. And I was finally just like... a lot of this could be us but you playin.
I don't fuck with you. Any of you. You little dumbass bitches. I got a million trillion other things I'd rather do. Look-

I lost my dog, Jasper, in early spring. I said goodbye, abruptly, to my old roommate and one of my oldest and best friends, Samantha, mid summer. And finally, had to put my old lady, Bevin, to rest in early fall.

Dear God, it is amazing I am not in a mental hospital with all the shit that has happened this year.
But sometimes I really did feel like I couldn't feel my face.

Of course there were upsides… A key point was that Sophia Paige Sullivan was brought into this world by Samantha Morgan. Definitely the highlight and shining beam of 2015.

But I also,
 got to escape to New York City, more times than I can count, hey what's up hello? I had a plethora of brunches with my mother and without, Ran my first 5k, Celebrated 3 years sober on the day, walked for peace with my family, became the worlds greatest nanny (to a child that I love), graduated city year Philadelphia in may, made a number of friends along the way, reconnected with friends of old,
became ronda rousey- which was quite bold, started a new job and got a new place, worked really hard on my program and found grace. So much happened, it’s hard to recount- thank you yabbers for making me take count.

And I didn't have to say to my friends, "Where are you now?" Because they were there the whole time.

Baby girls you're so damn fine though

players gonna play, play, play

just shake it off. 

I know my lifestyle is driving you crazy. 

All we need is somebody to lean on

No place I'd rather be.

I really, really like you. 

All of you. 

#Blessed.

I don't like you- I love you.

Basically my life was changed, and honestly it was for the better.
It’s amazing what a reflection can do...
People have said to me so many times, “you’re going to be strong when all of this is over.” And I have wanted to say, “shut up and just make it all over.”
At least, I'm being honest.

But now as I sit poolside in Florida, reflecting on my life during 2015, I'm not thinking, “eh it wasn’t that bad,” I’m thinking, “I made it through it and now it’s over.”

I have never been more happy to ring in a new year, that is most definitely true.

I know, I know, all you read this blog for is my relationship shit. You want to hear me blast the men that are in my life.
This is not super relevant, but at the same time it is BECAUSE I WILL TIE IT ALL TOGETHER,
2015 was just like a flop.
There were a number of time people came into my life and I thought something was going to happen,and then
flop.
It just wasn’t exciting. IS IT TO LATE NOW TO SAY IM SORRY YABBERS? but really- I can just sum it all up with the word,
Flop.
And for 2016, I’m of course looking for the word, pop.

I aint got no type, bad bitches is the only thing I like,
but like male bad bitches- means... bad. bitches. doesn't translate well.
"What do you mean? Yab?" oh Sorry. Please, please don't make the hotline bling. BYE.
Hope I didn't just sew myself Stitches, am I right Shawn Mendes?

But more so I’m looking at the word,
MOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPP
Like at this point, IDGAF (2011 reference). Too many people tryna drain me of my energy.... You're not getting the code to this Wifi.

I’m having fun alone on my adventures.

Sam's got the idea

I have hope and I have faith, that this year will be good. I won't be Jealous of last year, I ain't no Nick J.
I don’t know the future but I know I will get through whatever comes my way.
Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen... take me to church
And onwards and upwards we go, to 2016. 
Buh-Bye, 2015.
Now get out there, shut up, and dance. Whip, nae nae, whip, whip, nae nae

Ps- did you catch Dj Yab's 2k15 music references 

lol 

Hello it’s me…

I was wondering if after all these weeks you’d like to read, a blog, by Yab?
That was an Adele inspired poem. If you’d like to hear more you can go to my youtube channel and here me singing the full version…
 Jk. I don’t have a youtube channel. Seriously, I don’t, so stop trolling.

Ladies and Gentleman, this is Mambo # five...

I really wanted to incorporate that into this blog somehow but I wasn’t sure how so uh… there ya go.

Ok folks, so my series of hiatus will hopefully cease to a halt because this year Santa Baby brought Yab a young babuh mac!

The clouds parted and said, "let there be more Yab."

I will admit,
this was the first year in Yab history that there were no Christmas blogs, which was probably a good thing because I felt a bit like a scrooge this year…
I mean that’s not new. Read Yab blogs of Christmas past and you will see the trending bah hum bug.

This year it was tres hard to get in the christmas spirit with the lack of snow and cold. Clearly the world is ending and everything is melting… “Omg Yab are you dumb? It’s climate change, duh.” “Omg are you dumb… Did you forget about the hole in the ozone layer? YEAH IM SURE ITS ALL SO NATURAL.”
I keep saying all the sudden it will be -3 degrees out and people will poop their pants. A this point, it’s January and still 50degrees so I no longer have any theories for life.

I digress-
So over all christmas was just lovely. The past couple weeks I have been a one-woman-traveling-band +Koko and it’s been oh so fun.

I went to Portland, Oregon a week before christmas to see my beloved Big, Uhlishah. *Fun fact I started a sorority in college and we were founding members.*
  The west coast was super fun, Alisha showed me all the good eats. I was not only there to see Alisha, but I also saw my beautiful wonderful cousin and together we traveled the the magical land of WACYPAA.

This was my first ever AA conference and boy it was a trip. I was really just observing and taking it all in. It was awesome and a cool experience to meet a bunch of west coast people too…. very different. I’ve always wanted to leave philly- oh and I will- but I’ve also realized I’m a bitter cold bitch, and all that sunshine maybe to much for me…
Portland’s a nice compromise with all the rain though. But those Cali Kids, are just a tad to chipper.

I’m super excited for EACYPAA in NYC in February.
PSA -If you're sober and you live on the east coast, I will be trying to recruit you to this. Thats's if I haven’t already.

Ok so there is a reason I’m writing today, December 31, the last day of 2015… Guess.
Did you guess it?

New Years Resolutions

So of course I, Yab, will not commit to just 1… let’s say, 6 for 2016.
So, working backward,

6. Read more, always a goal that can be improved upon.

5. Get better at kick boxing and make a full commitment to it- I started kick boxing this year, but right as the holidays approached, so now that there dead and gone,

I’m ready to kick some ass

4. Focus on mediation- at the end of this year i have started to explore meditation more and it has been a great experience. To really get good at mediation and see the full benefits it needs to be practiced daily.

zen koala

3.Make writing and blogging a priority- I make no money off this blog- well that’s a lie, I have acquired 30 dollars. I can’t even access my big bucks till i make it to 100.
I started this project as a way to expose my writing to the world. For me fuck lab has a been a total self exploration and expose into my life. If I don’t make a daily commitment to write, just like any artistry, my craft will never be perfected. This is entirely personal and no one but me will see the benefits but I thank you once again for taking this journey with me.

2. get to work on time and slay it- this has been a struggle for me…. throughout my life. If I can conquer being a morning person, I will take over the world in no time

1.My main new years resolution, dental hygiene. I have not had anything bad happen this year, or really ever- knock on wood. I never had braces, no cavities. I just feel like it’s something I could improve on. Like flossing… Who daily flosses? HMM that’s the goal.

Here’s and cheers to 2016.
May it be better than 2015, which shouldn’t be too difficult.

OMG AND LADIES DON'T FORGET YOUR GLITTER TONIGHT, GLEAM AND SHINE.
xoxo #groundedbyglitter

Simon Says Get The F*** Up

Sometimes, most of the time, it's easy to give up. 

The easy thing to do is to stop. 

Stop doing good. Stop improving. Stop moving forward. 

Revert. Hide. Fall and don't get up. 

 But in order to live we have to live. We have to follow the pursuit of happiness to whatever extent that means to us and do good at what we're are doing. 

Whatever you do, whoever you are, be good. 

Be good at what you do and love the life you live. 

Laugh Everyday.   
(this is so good if you haven't heard it btw. )

I have this pattern of starting and stopping. 

Climbing and falling. 

I've come to learn it's ok to fall. In life you're going to fall down and growing up doesn't mean you stop falling. Growing up is the rate at which you rise from your bumps in the road. 

When was the last time you cried after you literally fell down? 

At this point in my life when I fall I laugh, but the little girl I babysit is two years old and she's just now learning how to get up after falling, without crying. 

There was a time in life that when you fell down, you cried. 

You can fall- and then you can fall down and die. 

Do not fucking do that. You gotta keep going. EVEN IF IT SEEMS INSANE. 

Writing, working, teaching, learning, loving, growing. 

I think the first thing we learn as adults is that we don't really know anything and we will never know it all. 

Keeping a positive attitude, I believe, is the secret to success. 

Shits going to hit the fan, it always does at one point in time. Whether you're prepared for it or not, there will always be a shit time in life. 

Everyone experiences it on different levels. 

The kids I'm surrounded by, deal with a level of shit-in a deeper meaning, than I will ever experience. But I recognize that. I know my life is great even when it's bad. 

So I work hard to make the best of my life. 

To give back and not give up. 

I think we all need pep talks.... As much as possible. 

You should know and tell yourself you are beautiful just the way you are, all the time. 
 

You will always have things to work on, of course.   

It might be hard right now, but I'm not in Syria. I wasn't affected by the bombings in Paris. I've lost loved ones but I got the gift of having them in my life. 

You can look at life as a shit storm and that terrible things happen everyday. But there is also so much life. 

The fact that there are trees in Philadelphia. There are even some in New York City. 

You can say that Adeles music is depressing or that it is incredibly beautiful and she's incredibly talented. The fact that we can relate to people on a deep level shows connection. And that too is what it's all about.

I've grown up a lot. I've grown up through this blog. Now I'm adult. Whether I like it or not. 

Recognizing that I am an adult means I have to make adult decisions. 

And you know what, shits not easy. 

I don't really have a point in everything that I'm saying, except you can either grow up and show up.... Or you can stand still.

When you stand still, whether you like it or not, life keeps moving. 

I'm loving 25 although it's been incredibly complicated- only about four months in. 

It's taken me time to see life through an adult lens but now that I'm fully seeing it I see: opportunity. 

One time my therapist told me about this thing someone said or like a comic had a stand up or IDK but it could be summed up like this,

A lot of us hide from being sad or mad, all the ugly emotions, but we have to feel them. And if we feel all the shitty shit, and get out on the otherside, it feels fucking good. 

Like that annoying song goes, " I can see clearly now the rain has gone." After rain there's a rainbow! Ya know! 

And in a less disgustingly optimistic view, maybe we don't see better than we did before. Maybe we are a little bit harder, colder, but we are more experienced. We can say we got through that. But you have to go through it.  

Pessimistic or optimistic, if we can get the fuck up after falling hard on the ground- we are doing something right.

Just remember Yabbers,

Onwards and upwards !

Halloween 2015- Hell on Earth and fighting to get back to life.

Well folks--- we are digging in the archives for this blog post since it's over a month late .... 

But here it is, Halloween 2015. Enjoy. 

Halloween is definitely one of my favorite holidays, no doubt about that.

My dad and step mom got married on Halloween in New Orleans, in a bloody wedding dress and a gruesome suit. It's sort of been engrained in me that Halloween is awesome, because well, it is.

But at 25, Halloween is also a recipe for disaster.
It's an in between age, where it's still totally reasonable to lose your mind and go out crazy but it's also totally acceptable to give out candy and go to bed. So for me it's kind of finding that balance...
But rather than finding that balance this year, I tried to do everything... per usual.
Balance is not my strong suit. I'm really trying to work on it. 

Fighting for my youth is something that has started to happen to me in the past couple of years. I can't give up being a kid, even though at this age, the sad reality is
I'm an adult.

So what did I do for Halloween 2015? Everything and in between. 
I mean, I'm grateful I had the opportunity to do so many different things but also there was just a lot going on throughout the city. It's a major holiday, which means bar specials, pub crawls, big event parties, house parties... 5ks?

The day started at 7:00am and a 5k, followed by brunch.

Then by 7pm we were at my parents Halloween/anniversary party. We went for the food but stayed for the movie reenactments...shit got weird.

Next, we headed to center city. And now I can tell you, I will never go to center city for a holiday ever again. It's full of bros in wigs who are drunk, annoying, dumb, and in your face. They look like ass hats and don't even have funny costumes. I saw a girl cop mounting a boy cop on a pole. Christ almighty, have some fucking decency. IF YOUR MOTHER COULD SEE YOU... no thank you.


We then lost my roommate. And we were down from 3 to 2.

We headed to a Halloween party where we stayed for the rest of the night. At one point Alli threw herself on a pile of candy after single handedly taking a piñata to the roof and breaking it... So that part was actually much better.

(Candy struggles)

Finally we got back to my apartment, after playing uber roulette- and losing. Then, we realized Suzie, who we had lost, had the keys to the house.
After breaking into the backyard, climbing on to the roof, and trying to break metal bars off the windows... We gave up. Got in the 50th Uber of the night, got to my moms house, said Fuck you halloween 2015 and went to bed.

Never. Again.

Halloween 15, you won this one.


I mean, there were highlights and there were lowlights.
But over all it was just too much.

I guess Halloween was like a mini example of how insane my life has been all of September-November.

I've realized I'm old. I'm not like super old, but hey- in the words of Brittany, "I'm stronger [and older] than yesterday."
I like planning things, but I would rather do it for someone else. I would like someone to drag me around the city and not have to drag other people places. I don't want to make executive decisions.

I am having this internal fight where I want to be young, tan and dumb but at the same time, I also like not losing my mind and having a calm evening.

I think I just thought Halloween was going to be this break from the insanity that is my life... Like I was going to get out of jail free card... But I think it was more like a rock bottom.
But you know what? When you get to the bottom... all you can do is go up.

Slowly but surely this week has allowed me to return to myself. I finally feel good again, after a few weeks of wanting to actually jump in front of a car, it's nice to feel like myself.

People have kept saying to me, "You're going to get through this! And you'll be a better person because of it."
But they won't tell me what that means.

How the fuck do I know when I have gotten through this? Because to be honest, right now I feel fine but tomorrow I might hate life again. It's a constant up hill battle.

I think "getting through this" means not crumbling.
Not falling short, not giving up, not losing the battle that is life.

And you know what, everything doesn't have to be a fight. Sometimes you have to give up or give in. Because if you try to constantly fight your way through things you might not get through it up. Life is about knowing when to push through and when to jog by.

Don't get me wrong either- I fight every goddamn day. As a person in recovery, everyday is a battle to protect my life. But that doesn't mean I need to literally fight with every person I encounter.

A huge part of grief, is anger. It's hating life, hating anyone you come in contact with, hating people who you think could have made things better, people who made things work. It's wanting to break things and hit people.
I am already an angry person, add some grief and I'm philadelphia's biggest bitch.

Everyday we have battles that we are trying to get through. Every small victory is a win. A good day is better than a bad day and a bad day can always turn around.

I don't know if I have gotten through what it is that I am currently going through, but I do know that I have gotten through a lot.
I know that it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to be mad.
But overall, like everyone has said...
I'm going to get through this and I'm going to be ok.