Losing a Big Piece of Me.

It's taken me a long time to get to right here, right now. It's taken tears, upon tears, it's taken highs and lows.
The fact of the matter is, every moment in my life has lead me to this point where I am, right here and now. 

I'm sure someone once said, life gets easier as you get older.
Death does not get easier as more come. It gets more difficult. Maybe you learn to cope better, and every person has their own unique experience with death and dying, but in my experience, it gets harder.
It's scary thinking who will go next.

When I was 16 my grandma died. It was probably the hardest death I didn't deal with. And I say didn't deal with because, I didn't cope. I pushed all of the emotions down and I acted strong for everyone else, but it was devastating for me. She and I had the same soul. She was like a mother to me. I spent a lot of time with her. Watching her approach death was extremely hard. She had emphysema, Alzheimer's and finally dementia.
For a while I thought she was going to get better but she just slowly deteriorated.
When I finally got sober, I cried for days about her and my grandfathers death.
Since then I have dealt with what happened with her, but there are times I still break down and cry about it.

Missing someone, or something, doesn't go away. It gets a little easier and the hurt is less and less with time. But when someone goes that you love you there are triggers that make you think of them.

My Aunt Dana passed away the summer of 2011. I was a full on mess. I had a voicemail from her that I would listen to until finally I lost it because I got a new phone.
Losing my Aunt Dana was extremely hard for me because she wanted to help me get sober so bad. I didn't want it then. She took me to meetings and I just wasn't interested. I felt like a failure when she died and I was still drinking. When I finally got sober and grew in sobriety, I felt I was making her proud and it helped me to cope. I also feel that her presence as an angel was instrumental in me getting sober.

This past year has been possibly the hardest of my entire life. September 2014-2015 has been insanity for me. From thinking I was falling in love to realizing I was losing myself, trying to help my friend in deep addiction and living with her, going through City Year and the realities of the Philadelphia public school system, dealing with a break up, losing my puppy, losing a best friend, and now losing my best confidant.

For years I have dreaded losing my dog Bevin. Way before it was ever going to happen. I knew it was going to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Now, it having happened... I'm a wreck.
I am. I am a full mess.


I am crying every five minutes. I don't know how long this will last. How long will it take to get through this loss? And on top of that it brings back every other painful death I have dealt with, this year alone.

These days, it's not someone has died. It's someone else has.




And on top of all this- I have ran into four different "ex's" I haven't seen in either months or years, this past month.
Like seriously what the fuck is going on?! I can't catch a break.
People were rude to me at work today. And I just wanted to cry the whole day.

People keep saying, "You're going to get through this and you're gonna be great." I don't even get what that means.
I know I'm going to get through this, that much is obvious to me... given all the shit I've had to get through this past year...
The fact is, I'm really GOING THROUGH THIS.

There was a time in my life that if Bevin had died I do not know how I would have been able to go on. Bevin is my best friend. She's the most beautiful creature I have ever know on this earth. It saddens me to no end to have to say goodbye.
The thought of opening a door to my house and not having her head stick right through it as soon as it opens pains my heart. She's the toughest broad I ever knew. I love her so much I don't know what life will be like without her in it in some capacity.

A stage of grief that I never really knew about before was anger.
I have been so angry lately. To people who don't deserve it. To my friends and family, to strangers on the street.

I miss Sam so so much.

There is one person in my life who I am so angry at I could kill them.
There are actually multiple people. And in reality I just want to hit them. Like really hard.

But anger is just hurt manifested.
And I'm hurting all over.

I think sometimes the landscape is hard to see because you are standing in it. When you think there is no beauty in your life you sometimes have to look deeper. When your going down a long road and it seems hard and ever-going, realize that from another perspective where you are is beautiful.

Life is magical there is no denying that. But it is so easy to be blinded by heartache and misery.

Today I was talking to one of my best friends and we were reminiscing about how good and just, how fucking easy our life was a little over a year ago.

You don't always realize that. It's easy to miss when things are good.

Like Joni said, "Don't it always seem to go... That you don't know what you got til it's gone."

That song rings so true to my life right now. You don't know the good days. You just don't. And if you can identify them, live in those moments as much as you can.

I have things these days that keep me sane. My friends, family, and God. Prayer helps me more than anything else.

I think there must be a reason I have lost all these people around me and I am still standing. I believe there is a plan for me. It must be something important because the amount that I feel I have been tested must mean there is some reason I need all these tools I now have.

I'm sorry if I care too much. I'm sorry if you have, or ever feel that this blog is too many emotions.
If I have too many feelings.
If I love too deeply.
Actually, I'm not sorry about that. That's just the way it is.
I have deep feelings for life.
I am not going to stop. And part of living is losing. But it's how we move forward...

We must continue Yabbers, onward and upward.

So Long Early 20s....

I started writing this blog, FuckYab, because when I entered into my 20s I realized life was shaping up to be well...actual life. I had gotten to the hard stuff.

I remember when life was something totally different from what it is now. I was full of innocence in every capacity. I remember my first day of college, which was my 19th birthday, the last year of being a teenager, and I remember thinking that, now,  I was finally living- I was on my own. I entered a new town (a new state even). Every single person I met, with the exception of Rita, was someone brand new and unlike anyone I had met before. I found people that would, and will, define my life and have helped me to figure out what life is. 

When I turned 20, I was living at home. I cried. I think that was the first birthday I really cried. I didn't even know what I was crying about. That summer had been spent recuperating. I had been hospitalized in early June and I was getting better, but I didn't know what I was getting better from. 

My 21st birthday was complete insanity. I party hopped to birthday parties for myself. Which is pretty much how the rest of that year went. Up until March 20, 2012- the day I got, and continue to stay, sober. 

I also cried.

My first day of classes at Temple university was also my 22nd birthday. I didn't really tell anyone it was my birthday and I didn't really do much. 

I don't know about Taylor Swift... But 22 didn't mean very much- but I didn't cry.

By 23, I was feeling sober and alive. I had an amazing summer leading up to 23. I did fun things and I really felt that I was able to have a life again and live like a human being. *Side note: One thing they don't tell you right away, when you get sober, is that you're pressing a restart button and everything is going to change...* 

Then my world got rocked when I didn't... do school, and almost failed out. If not for that failure I never would have gotten involved in service and found out what it means to truly give back, and my life would not be what it is today. Now, service is my life. 

I think I cried, but not enough to remember. 

On my 24th birthday, I was sent flowers from a boy for the second time in my life and they were beautiful. I had a birthday dinner with really good friends and it was sober and a lot of fun. I loved every minute of my 24th birthday. But my 24th year on earth was, at times, like living in hell. It was possibly the hardest year of my life to date. minus year 21.

21 definitely wasn't the hardest year of my life. It was probably just the most ups and downs I've ever experienced, in the shortest amount of time. 24- definitely the toughest shit I have ever had to endure. 

It's amazing how things can transform in one year. One day of the year you could feel like the world is ending and nothing will save you and a year later, you could have so much purpose it brings you to tears.

Now, as I leave early 20s and enter mid-late 20s, I'm feeling reflective of 20s past (as you can tell...). And it's funny because I actually have never written a birthday blog post!? I guess I just tried to Keep Calm and Pretend it's not Happening. 

They never warned us about these years. 

Yet if you ask anyone who has been through them, or who is in the thick of it- they will tell you it is the most difficult time of your life. 

Shit happens and things get real. Like realer than you ever imagined.

I don't regret anything that has happened to me or that I have had to experience. I am who I am today because of everything that has come my way. 

As they say, every success is built on a shit ton of failure. 

And I've failed. Oh boy, oh boy, have I failed. But I have learned and I have grown. 

and I will continue to learn from the things that come my way because I'm starting to learn these aren't just crazy things that are happening... this is life. Life is hard, confusing and comes at you fast, 

especially in your 20s. 

Now that I know all that I know, I am so curious to see what is in store for the next five years of my life. 

Before I thought I knew everything, now I have realized I don't know shit. 

With that knowledge I welcome 25 and the lessons I have to learn. 

I think for a long time I was fighting to get to adulthood and now I'm fighting actual adulthood. When I was little I wanted things to happen faster, I felt so young and like life was so far ahead of me. I just wanted to be apart of the scene and hang with the older kids. 

Now I am an older kid. I don't feel like I'm trying to be an adult anymore. I feel like it's just my mind set. Like I am no longer and child. AAAAAAnd of course the grass is always greener on the other side... 

So now I'm like wait wait kids I swear I'm cool! LIKE ME! BE MY FRIENDDDD

But if there are any young girls, or boys, out there reading this please live in the present of your youth. Don't try to act older. Just enjoy your life, every minute of it as it comes and goes. Be young and dumb and be ok with that. 

But, it's not like I am a senior citizen... In the eyes of many people I am still very, very young. So I will take that. 

I've heard that this is great year, being 25. 

So, I'm excited. I am excited for the beginning of my mid-late 20s. 

I feel something in the air. It's kinda like when I first went to Burlington, and I knew everything was right ahead of me on the road I was about to step on. 

I am ready for my next journey. I welcome whatever the fuck life has to throw at me. 

*knock on wood*

"Happy Birthday to me, world," said yab. "And let them eat cupcakes."

At 25, I cried...tears of joy.