I Sure Could Use A Drink

I have 110 drafts in my blogger. 110 things I have started and not finished. I don't think this blog will ever be finished and I have a vision for evolving it one day but I also have 110 pieces to finish writing. But today I am starting from scratch.

My last blog post was started in January and tweaked here and there in the beginning of the summer but a lot has happened in the in betweens of all that.

Like I had mentioned previously, probably the biggest thing I have been dealing with is the job search. This has been so difficult for me because I have completely switched lanes but I really have no idea where I am going and trying to drive somewhere without an end destination is unsurprisingly difficult.

Previously, in the nonprofits I was working in, I was overworked and underpaid. The overworked part I can deal with but the combination of the two over the course of a few years left me completely burnt out. I have developed a strong skill set over the years but as I am trying to do something completely different, starting from the bottom, I feel like I have no skills at all and am completely behind in the game of life.

I realize that career switches happen at way later points in life then where I am at. Keeping perspective, that I am still very young, is well really difficult. I constantly am left feeling defeated and like I am way behind everyone I am competing with. Also my whole life I have been very difficult.

I am a difficult person. I make things harder for myself and the people that surround me constantly. It's not like I do it on purpose but because of my wonderful stubborn nature (thanks mom and dad) I find it difficult to not be difficult. And because of this I find it harder to, "fake it til you make it". I have a very revealing face and am perhaps too authentic.

This whole job search, the constant call in for interviews, second interviews, homework assignments for interviews, just to get nowhere is really hard to not leaving me feel rejected in life. I guess I have lost a spark for positive thinking recently because I am constantly being told no.


HOWEVER, I did recently land a real sort of job. It is a temporary position so it has me feeling uneasy because I may not have a job in a few months but it definitely is the break I have been waiting for in a lot of ways. Again..... Keeping that positive outlook is just realllllly difficult right now.

Just the whole process has made me really question my life. Like oh I don't know... "What the fuck am I doing?" "Why don't I have a career?" "Where is my life headed?" "Will I ever become an adult?"

But honestly, I am living my goddamn life. Life is never easy. You can be 20 years sober and get breast cancer. You can have a high paying job and so much stress you don't get to enjoy anything. You could be poor on the streets but happy as a clam.

Life is what you get handed and what you make of it and that is really what I need to keep in perspective these days. I work multiple jobs and haven't had a lot of weekends off this summer. I am having a really hard time figuring out how to save money. I am handed with things that I have to accept about my life and not necessarily be complaisant but figure out what to do from there.

I can't keep crying and complaining and being negative because I am frustrated with one aspect of my life. I need to take action to create pos·i·tiv·i·ty. "Faith without works is dead"

It really is a shame I haven't been writing over the past couple of months because this blog wasn't started with the intention of getting viewers but to help ME figure things out.

Another thing that has been really really really hard for me lately is my health. Pretty much it's gotten to the point that I regurgitate something that I eat at least once a day. And if I don't vomit up the food that I can't get down into my stomach I choke on it until my esophagus muscles decide to open up and let the food down. AND no one REALLLLY knows what the fuck is going on, and now I am waiting on my health insurance from a new job to kick in so I can't really go back to the doctor until then.
I had a colonoscopy, endoscopy and multiple doctors visits that all came back inconclusive. I finally found a holistic doctor that gave me really answers but now I have to wait til I have health insurance to go back. So ya know that's been frustrating. But if you see me running to the trash can to throw up food I just ate, don't worry this is normal for me right now.

Another thing I should really be honest that has been going on with me this last year has to do with my recovery...

As I reached 7 years sober in March, things had become harder. I went through a serious mental battle about turning back to alcohol and how I may not really be an alcoholic or addict.

I think when you get sober you just think it will all get easier. The longer you stay sober the further you get from a drink and the easier it must become...

WRONG. Being an alcoholic alcohol and drugs never become unappealing. At least to me. The closer and more involved I stay in a program of recovery they seem like less of a good idea and the more tools I have to avoid them and the creeping thoughts they ensue. But staying close to a program of recovery the longer you stay sober is fucking hard.



When you get sober you usually do rehab which is like 3-12 months of intense therapy on why not to drink, then you do AA daily- if not more, you make a ton of friends in recovery and the easier it is to stay sober.

But well I got really busy with life and stopped going to as many meetings. I also got sober young and a lot of my friends I got sober with went back out, some of them died. Which honestly pushed me away from the program even further. Then I started hanging out with people who don't have drug and alcohol problems. And now there's weed practically everywhere you turn....

I will say, NO I have not drank or drugged still to this day. But its been really fucking hard. And I think a lot of people in my life expect me to be "cured of all this" now.

There is no cure for the disease I have. There are steps I can take to make them better and I have to rely on my High Power, other recovering alcoholics and myself to stay sober. That's all I can do. But remembering to do the next right thing is sometimes hard.


Which I guess is true of more than AA. I have to do the next right thing to stay sober, positive, moving forward and keeping myself trudging along. Because like I said things aren't going to be perfect and I can't be either. But I know that I enjoy being a positive influence on others and maybe I can start being a positive influence for myself.

Part 2-019 *here and now ....long over due.

So I got a little distracted... 

It's safe to say I've been a little distracted the whole past 6 months. However, most of this post I did write the next day after my previous post. Alas here we are and here we go. I’m NOT MAKING ANY BROKEN PROMISES. I’LL TRY TO DO BETTER OK. 

January 2019:

My resolution for 2019 is to be a fucking badass boss.

I'm not kidding folks THIS IS MY YEAR! (foreshadowing unbeknownst to myself: This has not been my year in the least bit)

I know we all tell ourselves this every year. This isn't a new sentiment...
However, usually when I enter a new year I feel very cautious. The unknown is something I am very terrified of, right along with it's good friend change. I usually try to be cautiously optimistic but I guess more so, I'm usually a little scared of the New Year. It's easier to dwell on the past than it is to predict the future. The past is concrete and I've already suffered through it and I can easily romanticize it and forget the bad. Where as the future is so abstract it's scary and so unknown.

I don't know why, I really don't, but I have a really positive intuitive feeling about this year. I just feel like it's going to be a good year for Yab. Maybe my late 20s will just suit me well.
Maybe I am totally wrong and everything will explode. But right now, I have a good feeling that 2019 is truly my time to shine. I have all the tools and I am ready to use the,.

2018 was in a word... emotional.

I mean what year in the past six wasn't..... but this more so than others. Let's see...

I would say... 

2012 was lost  

2013 was new 

2014 was found 

2015 was insanity 

2016 was adventure 

2017 was calm 

and 2018 was Captial E motional. 

Emotional in the sense that I finally got in touch with my emotions. I probably cried as much this year as I did when I got sober in 2012. There must have been something going on with my planets alignments, I should probably consult an astrologist.

Ok so YES. Probably one of the biggest things that happened to me this year...was... that I was actually in my first long term fully functioning legitimate romantic relationship.
It's been hard to write about because, as my avid readers know, I usually spill all the beans about a relationship when shit hits the fan.
Well this one is still going strong so I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Would it really be yab update without juicy relationship reveal?

My boyfriend and I went to college in the same town. We were party friends, he had a house that was always a good time to go to and if I’m being honest yes, I always had a crush on him because he is one of the most gorgeous creatures I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Fast forward to years later when I move to Denver...
One of the main reasons I moved to Colorado was because so many of my friends from college moved here, so I figured I’d love it to! When I got here I instantly had a group of friends to hang with which was amaze balls. So my first Halloween here, I went to party at a college friends house.... dressed as a drag queen...

And ran into my now boyfriend. Drag queen and all. We basically started hanging out all the time from then on. We started off as friends, best friends, finally something more and here we are now!

So there ya go. There’s your Yab dish without saying too much to get me in trouble.

This relationship has made my past  year emotional, to say the very least. I have had all these new feelings inside of me that I have never allowed myself to access before.

My whole life I have thrived on being an independent woman and now all of the sudden I was giving so much of myself to another human being. Something I had avoided doing for years. I finally was allowing myself to be vulnerable and completely raw to another person in a different way than before.

I definitely consider myself bat shit crazy, and although I revealed in my last post that my dr. gave me this strange diagnosis of being "normal" my extensive medical degree allows me to give myself the label of "crazy". And for a long time I think I avoided relationships because I didn't want someone to get to close to me and realize the extent of my pure insanity then run for the hills, or just have to suffer through being with me.

My immediate family knows I'm bat shit crazy- just ask my brothers for a full low down.
My friends know I'm a little wild but I don't think they understand the full extent to which my insanity can actually exceed.
And now, I've been in this  relationship with a person that has fully experienced psycho Yab. And for some strange reason he's still here. He is the most patient and kind man I know. Like tbh if I was him, I would have run a long time ago.
I’ve legitimately even tried to tell him to just run for the hills.

At this point after reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Gab stop! You’re a strong confident beautiful woman. You are not #crazy.”

And I guess that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with this year. I’m not really that crazy. I’m a tolerable lovable person capable of caring about someone and willing to let someone care for me.
K
I know you’re sort of supposed to love yourself before going out there and trying to find someone
 else. Over the past couple of years I really have cultivated a relationship with myself that certainly is stronger than ever before. But I think being in a relationship showed me that there really are some deep set insecurities I still hadn’t [and maybe haven't] come to grips with myself. And I don’t think they are things I could have really come to terms with on my own.

I am not in any way shape or form saying that having a boyfriend made me a whole human. I’m saying this new aspect of my life taught me I had to love myself more in order to functionally be with another person. Because being with someone is never going to make you Whole. You make up you. My boyfriend and I do so well, I believe, because we compliment each other very well. We help each other out as much as we can but I think we both know that you need to be able to depend on yourself and not be codependent on someone else.

I think I always thought that was what was going to happen though. I was going to meet someone and they were going to be my knight in shining armor and sweep me off my feet like some damsel in distress from some romantic comedy Disney movie. Honestly, it sucks that we perpetuate this idea to women because it’s so not realistic. And seriously gab? You’re a strong confident woman. You think you want a man to tell you any form of what or how to do anything ? No. I’m not saying my amazing boyfriend isn’t my prince, because he is- just a more modern and realistic version of it.

I’d be lying if I said I’d be fine without him. I definitely don’t know what I’d do without him in my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a capable woman who does things on her own.

2018 has been yet another year learning about balance.

Also this is not the only thing that happened to me this year......

I learned, yet again, life is short and you can get through anything.  I was, what felt like, trapped in a job I hated. Before the year ended I finally got the hell out of dodge. But it gave me a lot of life skills and made me realize all of the things I didn’t want.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned from this year is I can thrive in being happy versus looking for chaos. I’ve had trouble being content. This I would say is very different from coasting. It’s being happy with what you got and not trying to stir the damn pot.

June 2019:

Ok, so, I guess I should start with why this has taken me so long. Have you ever delayed something to the point that you begin to build it up in your mind as something so daunting you just can't bring yourself to do it? That's how I've felt about this blog.... And honestly a lot of my life.

We are 5 months into this year and it's not really going as planned. I'm going to be 29 in August and quite frankly a lot of things haven't really gone as planned. This has been a reoccurring theme for the past couple of years, things not going the way I thought they would be at this point in my life. Like when I got sober and then all my friends graduated from college and I didn’t have a degree. My friends having babies and me not even being close to ever getting married....Etc.
And it's like I'll come to the conclusion that life doesn't go according to plan and then have to relearn that lesson over and over again in different areas of my life.

It's exhausting and annoying. I can't tell you how many times I have had to learn that life just happens and you just have to learn how to deal.
Which is hil-ar-ious because one of my favorite movies is the Mandy Moore one "How to Deal" fuckme.

So yeah, this year's been stressful so far. Definitely my initial thoughts of being a bad bitch have been put to the way side by panic attacks and crying uncontrollably about how my life feels like it's going down the drain. And honestly, not writing about it has been detrimental to my mental health. Writing is not only cathartic for me but it helps me fucking breathe again.

As I finally get these words on the page I feel as if I can feel a little less weight out of my head and off of my shoulders.

I think in your early 20s you kind of freak out because college does not, and really can not, prepare you for the real world. But then you freak out again in your late 20s (well at least as a millennial) because life isn't the way they told us it would be. Half of us aren't married and aren’t going to get married, or have the career we thought we would, we can't buy a house and we're wondering why the fuck we're barely getting by. Not to mention the insane amount of debt that we have had to endure.

I am not the only one of my friends dealing with any or all of these issues and it sucks. It sucks that millennial's are constantly being called out for bullshit when a lot of us are working multiple jobs to support half the lifestyle we were promised at this age. We are also looking at where we, as a generation, want to make changes and are trying to do that.

It does give me solace that a lot of us are in this together. Yes, there are a bunch of people who are living large, striking it big in tech, getting married, doing all the things. But a lot of us are commiserating together wondering where we went wrong and what we have to do to fix it.

The job hunt in Denver for me has been fucking ruthless. Of course it's mostly because I apparently live in the most desirable place in the US because everyone and their cousin wants to move here, which honestly isn't what I thought I was getting into and I'm kind of over it.

Yeah, I'm a little done with Denver. I don't think I'll leave anytime soon (well at least a year because I just signed a lease) but this is not where I will be settling indefinitely. Which I guess I always anticipated. I'm not ready or wanting to plant root yet .

I want to switch gears though. Literally right now in the blog and figuratively in life. I have been on this downward spiral of negative energy being pulled down by the bad vibes at the negative environment I work in*...

* I had this really good idea to quit working with kids because I thought it was too stressful and get into the restaurant industry which i thought would be less stress..*

 ...and simultaneously bringing everyone down with me who will listen
and it needs to end now.

My goal for the second half of this year and to protrude positive energy, in the work that I do, the way that I live my life, and in the people I talk about and too.

Life gets shitty. But it gets way shitter when you label your life as shitty.

My life is good today. I still have that wonderful boyfriend I was telling you about. I have a gorgeous cat who is my whole world. I have a great apartment. I have food and a job. I am lucky to read, write, pursue any career I want and all of the hobbies I desire. I live in a beautiful amazing place.

I choose today to make the rest of this year happy. I choose to be the example of a sober woman of grace and carry a message of hope.

Thank you for continuing my journey with me and helping me to be a better person.


And now it's September... So the entire summer has pasted before me and I have but 4 months left of the supposed year of the Yab so ... stay tuned.