"Oh no no... We Are Way Past Rockbottom."

Hi it's me.

I'm just sitting in the dark listening to Ed Sheeran, thinking out loud how much I hate my dating life.

I have seen a lot of psychics in my day and honestly I think they're holding out on me. I feel like they get one good look at me and they're like, "aw shit." I don't think anyone is being honest with me anymore.

I think I really will die alone. I don't think I understand how relationships or dating works. I don't think I have a compatible match out there. I think I am happy being alone because it is my destiny. 

I feel like this is the 100th blog post where I am writing, "I'm tired of dating."

At this point I feel like I am at an all time low. I would not say by any means I am at a rock bottom. Oh no no we are way past that point...
But I will say I'm just almost, baffled by the status of my dating life.

I am so fucking done. I have written before that dating can be exhausting but now I'm at another level... I am now crying.

There's all these songs, movies, books, pieces of literature that all have to do with love. And I've never felt it. I've already written about how I don't even know what love is and I'm not going into detail about that right now because that's not even my main concern.

I'm in the stage of my life where I have a wedding constantly coming up. Not only will I never get a plus one- because everyone knows how single I am- but I will never need one, and if I ever got one it would be a source of anxiety because I have no one to fucking bring with me.
And let's not even talk about the fact that at these weddings these people are committing their lives to each other and I can't even get a guy to call me back!

This is what I'm tired of: Ghosting. And honestly, how dating apps have changed the dating landscape.

Bumble and tinder have full on deleted chivalry from our already very "modern" society. Finding someone to ask you out and not into their bed is already a challenge. And if you do find a date it's different rules then it used to be.


You would think because I am a 27 year old it wouldn't matter what dating apps have done because I essentially grew up with them. But I don't think I was made for them. Some guy kept asking me the other night on a 'date' "What's your type?"
I don't have a fucking type. I think people who are attractive are attractive? But like I'm attracted to people's personalities and you don't really get that from swiping left or right on max five pics. I like to laugh, but I have a certain sense of humor.

I've been doing the dating thing. Like going out on dates with guys, real dates. I enjoy the actual act of the date--- which is something I never thought I would say. There was a point, not that long ago, where the thought of sharing a meal with a dude would have been enough to keep me at home.

I have come along way that's for fucking sure... In so many capacities. For the past five years I have been fighting everything to make my life better. Everyday I fight to stay sober and be a better person. So sitting down with someone and saying "I don't drink" is so invalidating. When they say "oh why don't you drink" I sometimes just say "I had a drinking problem". I'm not gonna tell you the first day I met you how I have come from being a shell of nothing to making something of myself.

But these guys take me on a date, or three max, and never call me again. I definitely think that the whole dating world at their thumb has them over me in .5 seconds. I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels for these guys, in fact a lot of the time I don't know if I want to spend more time with them or not. But I'm willing to see what happens. All I am fucking looking for at this point is NORMAL. Fucking normal.

The act of dating is getting to know someone and whether you can spend extended periods of time with someone. I just think these people are real life swiping me to quickly.

When someone used to ask you out (this was before my time) it was obviously first of all someone you knew. So they already had some concept of who you are. And a key dating rule (according to my sources) was to not be so available.

Now... Men have the attention span of a goldfish because they have a pocket full of endless women on their phone.

Here's the other thing that bugs me... I am the only one I know with a blog who analyticly picks apart their dating life. Sure a lot people probably do this in the privacy of their own head, but I know plenty of people in long term relationships and MARRIED FOR GOD SAKES so obviously this code isn't so difficult for them to crack. So what the fuck is wrong with me? AM I JUST OVERTHINKING ALL OF THIS.

But I don't really think I'm overthinking guys telling me they'll call me and then never hearing from them again... I think that's just facts.

I have been in therapy for literally years and I can't find someone to date. I will say I am incredibly critical of other people and I have very high standards. And of course, let's be real... I low key love and thrive being single... but it is all like some sort of weird math problem I am constantly trying to solve.

Well my mom always said to me "you'll find someone when you stop looking." I genuinely have been trying to get to that point for so long and I can finally say I am fucking there.

But I will say, I have a lot of male friends, male friends who read this blog... seriously stop. Stop ignoring girls- that you said you would text and then you didn't so they texted you and you ignored. Stop standing up girls. Stop being fucking assholes and hiding behind your screens. Stop being little boys and grow the fuck up. Don't call girls crazy when you are being a little bitch. Stop fucking lying and manipulating.

Right now I feel like shit. I feel so used and abused. I feel not worth anyone's time. I feel lied to.
I don't feel good enough.

I live my life by a principal called radical honesty. I don't lie. The few times I have in the past year have been to random men who have asked me questions that were too personal so I gave them fake answers. But just because I am telling the truth all the time doesn't mean everyone else is.
Ask yourself this... how many times have you lied in the past year? It's hard for me to recognize that not all people are as honest, maybe even with themselves, as I am and try to be.

Getting sober you really have to get honest, so ever since I did that, I got real honest. I think that's why people love reading this so much because it's so raw.

I feel really raw right now. What is wrong with me or what am I doing wrong that I can't hold anyone's interest for more than a couple hours?

Usually by the end of me writing out all of my feelings I come to a conclusion that makes me feel better about the whole situation. This didn't happen today.

I will say this, all of this has taught me to be vulnerable and to let people in even if they won't let me in. Maybe I'm not the most trusting person but I have become willing to let something into my life. You know I have gone out with some fucking nutsos so maybe I need someone to pick out a man for me... I don't think I'm going about any of this right anymore...

Hey, maybe this is the conclusion- Maybe you have to fall flat on your faces 100 times before learning how to properly walk, run, or rollerblade. Maybe you have to just learn how to put yourself out there before anything can come to you.

My cousin always says to me that God is molding the perfect person for me and I do believe that.

I retract that I will die alone- because I have calmed the fuck down by a lot (Still listening to Ed tho)- If I tell myself I am going to die alone, then well one day I will. I can not let my fear manifest itself.

I know the right person is out there for me. And if I have to kiss a bunch of frogs til I get to him fine. I just wish they'd be a little more considerate and honest with me.

(Honestly, I don't know if any of that made sense to you, it was more just a rant. But to give you an overview I'm pissed that men keep ghosting me and that dating is so frustrating.)

You Can Do Anything For a Year

ur hiii....

Well this is certainly one of the longest hiatus I have ever taken from posting and actually writing in itself.

I've had a lot going on. A lot. alotalot. A lot of transitions.

But today marks my 1 year journey to Colorado and when anniversary's come up it's easy for me to reflect and write. *August 1st- when I started writing this *eye roll*

This past year has been a whirlwind, not necessarily more than the past couple of years, just another tornado.
I think once you hit 21 your years turn into long journeys. Each year marks a triumph over the last roller coaster.
Although I do remember when I hit puberty my mom literally telling me that my emotions were going to "become a roller coaster ride" so maybe it's just been since then....

And now I'm 27 and have entered my late 20s but I'm still in denial about that one so we are not going to touch on that tonight.

Living in Colorado has taught me a lot of things and changed me in many ways.

First and foremost I have learned you can do anything for a year. I think that has really been my mantra.
This year has been extremely challenging. But like honestly what year hasn't in the past... I don't know... ten years...? I have dealt with a lot of very difficult work place struggles, from co-workers to supervisors. It's been a very challenging year overall.

I also did this thing where I decided to move somewhere without doing any research and ended up hating where I lived.... I don't recommend that. If you're planning on moving somewhere spontaneously do the fucking research. Don't just assume that because it's Colorado it's going to be beautiful because Colorado boarders Kanas and you could be closer to Witchata then you are some mountains... fml.
smh.

When I first moved to Greeley several people, in the fucking town, said to me "I hate Greeley". Which of course I have heard people say about Philadelphia but the tenacity these people said this definitely worried me.
I can now fully and whole heartedly say, "I too hate Greeley."

It's just not for me. There are definitely people who love Greeley with all their heart but it is nothing I would ever want in a town or a life. But you can do anything for a year.

However,  I will say the adjustment back to my normal life has been a bit draining. I went from Greeley life working Mon-Fri from about 12pm- 5pm, staying up til about 2am every night and having little to no social interaction during the week. Life at about 5mphs. Then driving to Denver for the entire weekend and coming back to my sleepy town Sunday.
It was relaxing... I guess... it was more so just fucking boring.

NOW, I wake up at 6am for work I don't get home til 6:30pm and I'm usually doing something during the evening. So we are up to about...oh 300mphs. I have two jobs, one full time, one babysitting part time.

But you know what, I like to work. That doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm jet lagged with the sleeping schedule and I'm not 1000x more stressed out. But like I'm fucking living my life again thank God.

Maybe sometimes you need to slow down. I think a lot of the times we need to stop and slow down, but a year was a little long.... you can do anything for a year. 

You can find growth when you see no room to grow. You can expand and keep going... onwards and upwards. You can find the positives. You can look for lessons. You can cry. You can get through it. 

You definitely could have written more blog posts Yab... but of course, I work better under pressure.

The year before last [2015] I was incredibly depressed. Like taking hot showers every night and sinking to the bottom of the shower crying my eyes out... almost every night I kid you not. On anti-depressants. I lost a best friend to heroin and two dogs in less than a year. I had a job I hated. I learned I hated Philadelphia and I decided to leave.

But I had no idea what this would entail.

Well, turns out I am much more suited for Colorado. Problem: my best friend and family are still in Philly. So now I am plotting ways to pull them all out here permanently so I don't have to go back.

Besides my work place struggles, the hardest thing I have dealt with this past year is not knowing where I belong.

Moving to Colorado I have realized, although I will always be from Philadelphia, it's not really where I belong. But where do I belong? I don't even know if it's Colorado. Constantly I was, and am, dealing with an existential crisis' to the point where I had to enlist a new therapist out here because I felt so out of place. In the words of [the old] Taylor Swift circa 2006, "I'm just a girl tryna find a place in this world".

I fucking started listening to country music this year and I tell people I like bluegrass when they ask me what I listen to. Like who the fuck am I?

Greeley made me really question what the fuck I was doing with my life, daily, for multiple reasons.

However, right now, September 13th 2017, I can say I am stressed out about my life but also I am starting to take things as they come for the first time in a long time. I think having less time to worry about what the fuck I am doing and rather just being super busy and living my life, it is easier to just roll with it.

I guess, in retrospect Greeley was a huge lesson. Duh, obviously Gab. Or maybe it was a gift. A gift of a break. I know I said earlier in this post last year was horrible but it really wasn't. It was just super slow.

I know this post isn't really that juicy or full of life lessons but I trying to play catch up.
It's like when you don't see your therapist for a while and you have to tell them all the dumb bullshit in your life and you can't dig deep.

Well I promise you this Yabbers... I am back to writing.

It's been a long period of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life. I can't even believe this summer is over. I can't believe I am 27. I feel like my whole fucking life is flashing before my eyes. I guess that's the existential crisis I am dealing with now. It's not that I feel so old I just feel like before I know it I'm going to be fucking old.

Jeez Yabers I have so many things to tell you but it is oh so past my bed time. I hope you accept my sincere apology (this is mostly to myself) for not writing in so long. But ttyl xoxo

And remember..
You can do anything for a year. 

ALSO Listen to this