Meltdown Status

This is me.

I want to go around my house and knock over every lamp. I want to throw the kitchen knives into a door. I want to throw all of the food out of the refrigerator and dump it all on the back deck.

I am not a happy camper.

I've been babysitting the past couple of days, the children have been difficult to deal with, but I have been getting paid very well so I'm not complaining... O WAIT I AM. I am constantly asking myself if I will be a good mother and not knowing with the answer.  I'm over a week of quitting cigarettes and it feels worse then the first day... o and I'm like 15 and a half months sober.
I need a cig and a drink.
Someone shoot me now.

I can't take living in my house anymore. Maybe it was the week of having the house to myself last week, when the rest of the family was in Maine, that is making it extremly difficult dealing with everyone that is now in my house...

IDK I JUST, I JUST, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO EXPLODE.

I'm trying to save money to get an apartment but I just want to buy every item of clothing I see online.

Maybe I'm not actually an alcoholic but a shopoholic... actually I'm just both.

I'm all of these things: HUNGRY, ANGRY, TIRED, and LONELY.

Which is a deadly combination.

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

So what am I doing? 

I'm ranting, shopping online- for apartments and clothes... both of which I WILL NEVER HAVE- and I'm complaining about all of these things to everyone I know.