Talk that Talk

Its very frustrating being such a creative person. Sometimes I just OOOZE ideas at the wrong place, wrong time. And when I sit down to do something I fucking can not. I am unable.
Makes me want to yell ...

I was in the other day talking to myself, as I usually do, saying things I should have been writing down. Sometimes I have incredible talks with myself and I later just can't seem to capture what it was I was saying.
Funny thing though, that's what I was talking about; talking.

I wish I could have a reality show, but in this day and Kardashian age, who doesn't?

This is what I was saying:

It's hard for me to just talk. I am a writer. I can get things to the page, but when I have to just talk, about what I'm feeling or even doing, it's not so easy for me.
I love to converse. I can have a good conversation no problem, and that's one of the things I enjoy most in life. But when it comes to just talking it's hard for me.

And it's hard for me to value pauses. It's something I try to take advantage of, I've even written about, but they make me extremely uneasy.
I'm always trying to find the ways to fill the silence.

tounge tied. 

I do a lot of therapy, group and individual. I find it easy to talk about myself in my individual sessions. In a group setting it's harder for me, and whether that's a group of my peers, alcoholics or even my family, I find it difficult.

don't speak

I go to a lot of AA meetings and in the meetings people share. This is hard for me. I don't like all the attention on me and just the concept of "sharing" is difficult.

My dear dear friend was once explaining why to me why he didn't like sharing in meetings, he said it was all confusion.
Don't get me wrong- I love meetings and I think they are extremely helpful- but there is some chaos to them. You share about alcohol or a topic, depending on the kind of meeting. Shares are suppose to be about five minutes give or take.

Whenever I share it's for about a minute. Everything in my head gets sped up and I just spit out what I can.
However, most people share for closer to 10 minutes and it's confusing to me!
They speak so fluently and eloquent. NOT ME.
I constantly have these full and great thoughts in my head but when someone asks me what I'm thinking.... sometimes I just don't have the words. I have so many thoughts going on all the time, to just say them is too much.

 

Idk just speaking is hard for me. I guess it's because I have walls that I am needing to break down and I am so use to getting my feelings out on a page. 

I can just talk to my closest friends no problem. I can talk and talk and talk.
Most people who read this are going to be like, this is utter bullshit, all you do is talk GAB (named so appropriately) but I guess I just think even more.


&New situations are hard for me.

SPEAKING OF NEW SITUATIONS, 

here's what's been going on with yab:

I told ya'll I did horrible this semester in school, so I finally told my parents and they had me quit my job and do something drastic with my life.
So for the next couple of months I am volunteering at three organizations that I have found, in Philly. I am really excited about this. I just, today, got an internship doing social media and PR at one of these nonprofits, SO THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

I'm trying to find my passion for, and in, life. I am definitely on a journey, and I have been for a while.
It's a new year, and I've got new resolutions. COMING NEXT RESOLUTIONS....
stay tuned.