An Expose on a Koala's Sort-of-Love Life.

Hopefully this makes up for my lack of writing. I have a lot to get out.
But first: Cats and a deer.

UGGGHHH WHERE EVEN TO BEGIN YABBERS?!? 
I apologize that I have not been writing. Having a blog about your personal life is interesting. What part of my personal life do I keep personal?  I guess this is something I struggle with even IRL though. What do I tell people and what do I keep to myself?

We tell different people different aspects of our lives.
My work colleagues I wouldn't divulge about my personal life to... O wait  I have most definitely done that before... many times.
 My best friends know more about me than my acquaintances, obviously.
My sober friends.... well, they know everything about me. We have a common bond and their are no judgements, generally.

So I guess I could say anyone reading this has a common bond with me, a general interest in my personal life. In that case, I will indulge you:


It all started back in July, well I guess you could say it all started a year ago...

March 20th, I will have two years sober. God willing.
My first year of sobriety was entirely focused on myself, which if you are a continuous reader of this blog you will know. I wrote about myself, my journey, feelings, etc., etc. And I grew greatly as a human.

One thing I realized, taking the drink (or pot) away, is that I am scared of humans. I have social anxiety to the T. I am more comfortable on my own then I am meeting new people. So the internet is a safe (not necessarily healthy) outlet for me. I can engage with humans without actually interacting with them.

Now don't get me wrong. I am a social human, fer sure. Ask anyone who knows me. but idk, I'm also a thinker and I get stuck in my head about things. People who know me, again, would say "wuuuuut?" but it's true.

So why is this all relevant you may be asking yourself? What am I trying to get to?

Well after working on myself for a year I started to get lonely a little bit, you could say. I was making lots of new friends but no men I was interested in. So what did I do? I turned to the internet- well not really, actually Tinder.
Human men scare me. Their motives, the way they stare at my boobs or butt, their hygiene, the list goes on. They're sketchy. But I still feel this need to find one I really like and want.

So after a few months of playing around on Tinder, basically just to fill a need, not to actually meet anyone.... I SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, came across this guy that I actually liked.

This was seven months ago. 

So over the past seven months, I have been talking to this person, everyday, snap chatting and texting. But I have never met him in real life.
Obviously by 7 months feelings have been acquired.
So, I have been basically involved with this person, THAT I NEVER MET.
Now you are probably confused. Lord knows I am.

When we first started talking, he was dying to meet me and I was like, "hells to the no. I don't even know you. You'll probably kill me. You're just keeping me entertained." Then after about a few months, I started to really like him and I was like, "ok. Let's meet."
But I wasn't really ready to do that AND FATE KNEW IT. The day it was suppose to happen, there were a series of unfortunate events, on my end, and it didn't happen.
After that there were a few failed attempts and then a stalemate for a little while.

0ooOo0oH I forgot, he lives two hours away, in the middle of no where PA, so that's why this is so "difficult".

Somewhere along the way, it went from him really wanting to see me, to me really wanting to see him.
The switch totally flipped.
It was like every weekend I was hoping he would come to Philly, but there was always something going on stopping it from happening.

Now at this point a majority of my girlfriends, and therapists, know what is going on with me. And they're like, "what the fuck are you doing?"

Wut is you doing?

Over this span of seven months, I have had other real life guys ask me out and try to hang out with me and I've just ignored it because I was hoping oh so bad it would work out with this human. I know I didn't actually know him but it felt like I did. I really cared about him and I felt he cared about me too. He's nothing I would have ever picked out for myself but he was everything I needed.

Yes, I could have just driven two hours to go see him. BUT I BELIEVE CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD. A BOY SHOULD DRIVE TO A GIRL FOR AN INITIAL MEETING.

So finally, I couldn't take it anymore. Even though my "cyber relationship" was perfect (he even sent me flowers for valentines day) I couldn't continue to live this lie. So last thursday I ended things.


SO NOW I AM DEALING WITH A BREAK UP AND I WASN'T EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. or was I ?
Like why do I put myself through these things? I got the bare minimum of a relationship and the full brunt of a break up.

And I didn't even think about how shitty I would be feeling because of all of this.

I knew I had to do this. I had to end things if he wasn't going to meet me in real life. Ok maybe he 'would' meet me. But it shouldn't be that way. I should be 'want' not 'would'.
LIKE I AM SORRY. I do not want to have to coerce you into meeting me.
And I'm not going to sit there and reason with a relationship that's not real. Like if you are comfortable with this and I am not that is just the end of things I am Sorrry.

And now it's like did I just waste seven months? Like ya the relationship was valid and whatever but now I'm never going to meet this person?

And then what if I some how run into him somewhere? Like jesus christ.

Was it all for nothing? 

A part of me is hoping and praying it's not over. Like there will be some wonderful romantic gesture and everything will turn around and work out. But that doesn't happen irl does it?

I forgot how bad this feeling is. The emptiness.
I know I was alone for that whole time, physically, but he was always there. Now, I'm just alone, alone.
I want to be, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for anything right now. But I use to be comforted by that feeling of alone and independent. Now it just feels eerie and looming.
Like anything, it is a loss.
The only thing that feels good right now is Bon Iver.

There is nothing better, for me, while being sad and listening to good calming music. People in the past couple of days have suggested listening to very uplifting music but I just feel like it's mocking me. 

I will be ok but for right now I just need Bon Iver. 

I also quit smoking a few weeks ago......... For good. I'm not picking that up again. I am stubborn and I will not start again.
Side note: What is helping me through all of this is some new hobbies, including but not limited too: running, working out, eating healthy, crystals and (well not new but of course) Glitter.

So Idk... It just sucks.
I don't want to be feeling this way. I didn't think I would. I just feel so shitty. I'm trying to not be mopey or anything. Just staying active and continuing to be around people. But I don't even know if I should be allowed to be around people right now because I'm just slightly miserable- not completely or entirely, just slightly. I guess the right word would be sad. I'm a little sad.

Thursday night I was just driving home from a meeting and I thought I was entirely fine and then I just started crying hysterically. #ugh

It's funny how I block out these things. The last time I was feeling this way was about three years ago and was also over a person who I thought I had to break up with. I am still not over that person... three years later.

How fucking long is it going to take me to get over this?! Ugh.
I am grateful that I have a higher power in my life that I can turn to and depend on. I just THROW IT UP! Ya know?
Three years ago I was not anywhere near as healthy and strong as I am now.
I just hope things get better not worse.

Well that's it for now my yabbers.
What I feel I should do in my core right now is run away to my beloved #btv and just hug all the people who like me. But idk I'm broke... Still.....