I believe in Music just as strongly as I believe in God.

Driving anywhere at 2:30am is a strange experience. Driving on 76 at this hour (which I just got finished doing) is bitter sweet.
The speed limit is completely irrelevant. You have to pick a safe lane, avoid the far left lane, stick with the middle. You have to stay alert, because you're probably a little off- it's 2:30am- (unless you just took a nap.....) and the rest of the road is definitely a little off. People are either tailing you, passing you at 95mph, or chillen at 50mph.

Tonight was not the first time I drove home from the city at a very late hour. I find the one of the  beauties of being sober is getting to go home when I want to. I've driven on 76 quite frequently from the hours of 12am-5am.
One night I was at my friend Anna's house, stayed up till about 4, couldn't sleep and drove home at 5:30am. I put on a Kurt Vile album and drove into the rising sun. It was a pretty moving experience.

Things happen for a reason and music enters my life the times I need it to. I believe in Music just as strongly as I believe in God.

I want this.

Lately I having been feeling... well... pretty fucking lonely. It comes in strong waves, and it's frustrating. I don't want to want someone to make me happy... if that makes any sense. I want to be strong confident and i.n.d.e.p.e.n.d.e.n.t. but it's proving to be difficult.
And it's just hard that I had someone to talk to constantly, for 8 straight months, and now I don't. It's also hard that that person is completely and utterly gone from my life.


Tonight, I was driving home feeling totally and utterly alone. This feeling hits me a lot in the car, specifically after being with a lot of people- when you think I would be the most content...NOT THE CASE...
At first this feeling of loneliness was sickening, then it was a borderline freeing. I think there is something amazing about being a singular person, having no one person to depend on, or having no one solely relying on you. Of course, I have people who care about me and who I depend on, but I have no significant other that needs only me.

But it's confusing because then I find myself longing for someone I don't want. It's like I'm in a love hate relationship with someone I don't even know. I go to bed at night praying for someone to come into my life, but if they did I don't know what I would do. I like to think I would open them with open arms... but part of me knows I'd try to run away.
Baby steps.


Again, music helps these situations. So I slowly, but whole heartedly began singing a favorite of mine:

I am currently in transition. 

There are things in weeks-months that I will be gaining, as well as losing.
Currently, I'm apartment hunting- with the only man in my life, Stephen, my bestie. I think we may have found an apartment in Northern Liberties that we could move into in July. Which is oh oh oh so exciting. But a big change.
I haven't seen my family (that I live with) in a few days- because I've been running around doing things and they have all been very busy.  It's making me feel off. The thought of not seeing them constantly, when I want to and when I don't want to, makes me a little sad.

Change, is a loss. No matter what way you look at it, you are losing something.

Summer is a change. It feels like a slow gradual change, but sudden at the same time. Usually I am excited about summer, and don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not, but there are so many things happening!

People are out of school now, so they're on my schedule lol. People can play with me at all hours. Which has made my sleep schedule not good. It's... well, I don't know... which is throwing me a bit... YOU GUESSED IT... off. 

At the end of July early August, I am starting City Year. Which is a huge change.
I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. SO. MUCH. EMOTION.

Now that I've gotten that all out. I sleep. Good night world.

To close this evening morning, we have a little Elton John: