It Is Finished. (but we already knew that)

Anytime I had a conversation with my 'ex' about emotions or "what we were doing", it never went the way I foresaw it going. Which means we were never, ever on the same page. From the first time I tried to figure out "what we were doing"... things did not go well. That initial conversation should have been a tell tale sign that things were not going to end well. And they didn't. They did not end well. The final break up was over the phone, four months ago, followed up by a controversial blog post on my part. Say hello to part two of that blog post... 

I think me writing that blog put up a big do not enter sign on my door, whether on purpose or by mistake. The door closed at that point. 

But I would be lying if I said a part of me was not hoping he called. Of course I was hoping he'd call. Things ended so abrupt.
Although if you think about it, it was not abrupt at all.

The night prior to me saying "I'm done," on the phone, was a literal shit show. I had had a Christmas party and when we were finally alone I had tried to roll him out of my bed while he was passed out because I was so angry at him. I took all of the pillows off the bed and threw them on the floor, except mine. But somehow I woke up with him on my pillow and me sleeping on him. I don't know how long I expected that to go on...

I currently am in a state of frustration. It is only a matter of time until I run into this human. Whether I like it or not. Philadelphia is small.
I feel bad for people who have dated within their group of friends because seeing your ex that often would drive one mad. It causes people to lose friends, I'm sure.
(Not saying me and this person dated.
Because we didn't. There were no dates. )
I waited and waited for him to call and he never did. I guess I wasn't worth fighting for. Which is fine. It wasn't meant to be. But now, every weekend I go out and the possibility of seeing him is constantly looming over my head. That is maybe more maddening then knowing you will see someone. 

I'm over this relationship and I'm ready to move on with my life. But I feel that when you have that exact attitude, that's when people jump up out of no where. Like, "HAI HI HERE I AM. IT'S ME. HELLO." I guess God truly does work in mysterious ways but, lord almighty. Send him away. Transfer him somewhere. Or let it happen already.

It's not that I'm scared or frightened to see him. It's that I think it will be at the most inopportune time. And I am nervous he will yell at me for my blog... to which there will be a giant afuckayew. 

Obviously there's a bit of closure that's lacking. I mean yes I have given my piece to the Internet. We all know how I feel about the situation, but I've had no response back. He never called ever. I haven't seen him. I said a brief merry Christmas but that's it 

Maybe we will never have enough closure though. Maybe even if I did see him every weekend and he called the next day I would still feel uneasy. Maybe that's life. It's just part of the moving on process. It's never quick and easy. And the quick and easy way is never the right way. 

I could sit there and pretend I'm un-phased. Sit pretty, happy and act calm and collected. But I'm Yab. I'm a writer and I leave my thoughts on the page and I can not keep holding on to anger and hate. Worrying about something that won't happen, especially when I expect it to. This is something you can't expect.
Breaking up, growing up, showing up, moving on, living life is hard. But it's life. And we must continue onward and upward. Let go, and live life.