Dealing With Crazy.

Sometimes, life gets crazy.
And then it gets crazier.
And then when you think you're at the maximum capacity, it gets just a little bit more insane.

If I were have gone to a psychic, this time last year and she told me, verbatim, how this year was going to go I would have laughed and shit my pants at the same time. There was no way to predict how the past 12 months have gone.

I have thought that the past year has been crazy, but the past few weeks have been a concentrated nuttiness.

I've had a lot of people yell at me, I've yelled at a lot of people, I've had dumb things happen and I've done dumb things. I've had some realizations and I've been reprioritizing my life.

And then the worst thing happened... my dog died.

I've been fearing losing one of my boxers for a little while now and it happen, as I suspected, at a horrible time very unexpectedly.

My puppy Jasper was only 6 years old, when he passed away this week. He was having trouble walking the week earlier and when my mom took him to the doctor, they thought it was something wrong with his hips and legs. Throughout the week he got progressively worse and by the weekend he couldn't walk at all so we took him to the doggie ER.
I am very thankful I happened to be home this weekend when we took him to the hospital. I haven't been home in a couple of weeks, which I am sad about because I didn't get to see him a whole lot in the past month, but by the grace of God, I was there to help take him to the ER and be there for my mom who has been there all day.

The ode to Jasper is soon to come.

* Let me just say right now, this post has been sitting in my drafts. I have been waiting until I have a chance to sit down and write to finish it but I have been brainstorming in my head. At one point I was going to write about rainbows...

After certain storms, there are rainbows. A silver lining. And things get better. That is what I thought until now...

Let me also say this, I have the worst luck. Please restrain me if I ever tell you I am going to a casino because I will lose it all on a glitter cat slot machine. I have shit for luck.

Things aren't getting better. But maybe, alas I say it again, MAYBE ITS LIFE.  As we get older our problems get more insane and serious then they did when we were five and got upset about taking a turn on the swings.

But you see the thing with me, is I create a lot of problems. Not on purpose, I don't go out and say, "yes. Today I will make sure is total Mayhem."
But I don't avoid trouble.

I am an alcoholic and I want chaos. It stimulates me. If I see trouble I go towards it. And as an alcoholic in recovery, I know there is a solution.  I know there are things I can do to get rid of that turmoil. But currently, I am not taking steps in that direction. I am heading towards trouble too much.

I'm scared. Im scared of a life of content. I'm scared because it is unknown to me. Crazy is what I know and what I'm good at.
But I'm also ready. And I have begun to do what I need to do to head towards a positive direction. Less crazy.

I still need to keep working and striving for this but even just having the realization that things are not just happening to me but I am causing them to happen is helpful. And luckily I am not trying to get sober. I have not had a relapse or drank. I do need more sober things in my life however.

I need to stop going out to where the party is constantly and worry less about them and more about me.

I wrote before how I find good people. I have good energy and I am not afraid of that.

Good things are on the horizon. I know it.
My best friend is about to have a baby. If that is not a miracle I don't know what is.

At this point it's about managing crazy. I am at a point in my life where crazy things will continue to happen, growing up is crazy. But I have tools to stay calm.

My initial response to chaos is panic because I am constantly in a state of panic and when shit hits the fan I get to go full pyscho. But I can't do that anymore.

And just like I couldn't predict this year, I can't predict what's coming next. I don't know if life will calm down, or get more intense. I'm thinking the ladder. I still have so much living to do. I have no crystal ball reader to tell me what to prepare for.

But I do have crystals that I have acquired this year, literally and figuratively.

I've started to find out that life is less about figuring out what's it all about and more about action. Yes, you can get to the root of problems but if you just sit and stew on them you get no where. Life is about one foot in front of the other. There are trips, stumbles and falls along the way. But you can't quit every time you fall. In fact you can't quit at all. And you certainly can't stand still because, you won't get anywhere.