But here it is, Halloween 2015. Enjoy.
Halloween is definitely one of my favorite holidays, no doubt about that.
My dad and step mom got married on Halloween in New Orleans, in a bloody wedding dress and a gruesome suit. It's sort of been engrained in me that Halloween is awesome, because well, it is.
But at 25, Halloween is also a recipe for disaster.
It's an in between age, where it's still totally reasonable to lose your mind and go out crazy but it's also totally acceptable to give out candy and go to bed. So for me it's kind of finding that balance...
But rather than finding that balance this year, I tried to do everything... per usual.
Balance is not my strong suit. I'm really trying to work on it.
Fighting for my youth is something that has started to happen to me in the past couple of years. I can't give up being a kid, even though at this age, the sad reality is
I'm an adult.
So what did I do for Halloween 2015? Everything and in between.
I mean, I'm grateful I had the opportunity to do so many different things but also there was just a lot going on throughout the city. It's a major holiday, which means bar specials, pub crawls, big event parties, house parties... 5ks?
The day started at 7:00am and a 5k, followed by brunch.
Then by 7pm we were at my parents Halloween/anniversary party. We went for the food but stayed for the movie reenactments...shit got weird.
Next, we headed to center city. And now I can tell you, I will never go to center city for a holiday ever again. It's full of bros in wigs who are drunk, annoying, dumb, and in your face. They look like ass hats and don't even have funny costumes. I saw a girl cop mounting a boy cop on a pole. Christ almighty, have some fucking decency. IF YOUR MOTHER COULD SEE YOU... no thank you.
We then lost my roommate. And we were down from 3 to 2.
We headed to a Halloween party where we stayed for the rest of the night. At one point Alli threw herself on a pile of candy after single handedly taking a piñata to the roof and breaking it... So that part was actually much better.
Finally we got back to my apartment, after playing uber roulette- and losing. Then, we realized Suzie, who we had lost, had the keys to the house.
After breaking into the backyard, climbing on to the roof, and trying to break metal bars off the windows... We gave up. Got in the 50th Uber of the night, got to my moms house, said Fuck you halloween 2015 and went to bed.
Never. Again.
Halloween 15, you won this one.
I mean, there were highlights and there were lowlights.
But over all it was just too much.
I guess Halloween was like a mini example of how insane my life has been all of September-November.
I've realized I'm old. I'm not like super old, but hey- in the words of Brittany, "I'm stronger [and older] than yesterday."
I like planning things, but I would rather do it for someone else. I would like someone to drag me around the city and not have to drag other people places. I don't want to make executive decisions.
I am having this internal fight where I want to be young, tan and dumb but at the same time, I also like not losing my mind and having a calm evening.
I think I just thought Halloween was going to be this break from the insanity that is my life... Like I was going to get out of jail free card... But I think it was more like a rock bottom.
But you know what? When you get to the bottom... all you can do is go up.
Slowly but surely this week has allowed me to return to myself. I finally feel good again, after a few weeks of wanting to actually jump in front of a car, it's nice to feel like myself.
People have kept saying to me, "You're going to get through this! And you'll be a better person because of it."
But they won't tell me what that means.
How the fuck do I know when I have gotten through this? Because to be honest, right now I feel fine but tomorrow I might hate life again. It's a constant up hill battle.
I think "getting through this" means not crumbling.
Not falling short, not giving up, not losing the battle that is life.
And you know what, everything doesn't have to be a fight. Sometimes you have to give up or give in. Because if you try to constantly fight your way through things you might not get through it up. Life is about knowing when to push through and when to jog by.
Don't get me wrong either- I fight every goddamn day. As a person in recovery, everyday is a battle to protect my life. But that doesn't mean I need to literally fight with every person I encounter.
A huge part of grief, is anger. It's hating life, hating anyone you come in contact with, hating people who you think could have made things better, people who made things work. It's wanting to break things and hit people.
I am already an angry person, add some grief and I'm philadelphia's biggest bitch.
Everyday we have battles that we are trying to get through. Every small victory is a win. A good day is better than a bad day and a bad day can always turn around.
I don't know if I have gotten through what it is that I am currently going through, but I do know that I have gotten through a lot.
I know that it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to be mad.
But overall, like everyone has said...
I'm going to get through this and I'm going to be ok.
My dad and step mom got married on Halloween in New Orleans, in a bloody wedding dress and a gruesome suit. It's sort of been engrained in me that Halloween is awesome, because well, it is.
But at 25, Halloween is also a recipe for disaster.
It's an in between age, where it's still totally reasonable to lose your mind and go out crazy but it's also totally acceptable to give out candy and go to bed. So for me it's kind of finding that balance...But rather than finding that balance this year, I tried to do everything... per usual.
Balance is not my strong suit. I'm really trying to work on it.
Fighting for my youth is something that has started to happen to me in the past couple of years. I can't give up being a kid, even though at this age, the sad reality is
I'm an adult.
So what did I do for Halloween 2015? Everything and in between.
I mean, I'm grateful I had the opportunity to do so many different things but also there was just a lot going on throughout the city. It's a major holiday, which means bar specials, pub crawls, big event parties, house parties... 5ks?
The day started at 7:00am and a 5k, followed by brunch.
Then by 7pm we were at my parents Halloween/anniversary party. We went for the food but stayed for the movie reenactments...shit got weird.
Next, we headed to center city. And now I can tell you, I will never go to center city for a holiday ever again. It's full of bros in wigs who are drunk, annoying, dumb, and in your face. They look like ass hats and don't even have funny costumes. I saw a girl cop mounting a boy cop on a pole. Christ almighty, have some fucking decency. IF YOUR MOTHER COULD SEE YOU... no thank you.
We then lost my roommate. And we were down from 3 to 2.
We headed to a Halloween party where we stayed for the rest of the night. At one point Alli threw herself on a pile of candy after single handedly taking a piñata to the roof and breaking it... So that part was actually much better.
(Candy struggles)
Finally we got back to my apartment, after playing uber roulette- and losing. Then, we realized Suzie, who we had lost, had the keys to the house.
After breaking into the backyard, climbing on to the roof, and trying to break metal bars off the windows... We gave up. Got in the 50th Uber of the night, got to my moms house, said Fuck you halloween 2015 and went to bed.
Never. Again.
Halloween 15, you won this one.
I mean, there were highlights and there were lowlights.
But over all it was just too much.
I guess Halloween was like a mini example of how insane my life has been all of September-November.
I've realized I'm old. I'm not like super old, but hey- in the words of Brittany, "I'm stronger [and older] than yesterday."
I like planning things, but I would rather do it for someone else. I would like someone to drag me around the city and not have to drag other people places. I don't want to make executive decisions.
I am having this internal fight where I want to be young, tan and dumb but at the same time, I also like not losing my mind and having a calm evening.
I think I just thought Halloween was going to be this break from the insanity that is my life... Like I was going to get out of jail free card... But I think it was more like a rock bottom.
But you know what? When you get to the bottom... all you can do is go up.
Slowly but surely this week has allowed me to return to myself. I finally feel good again, after a few weeks of wanting to actually jump in front of a car, it's nice to feel like myself.
People have kept saying to me, "You're going to get through this! And you'll be a better person because of it."But they won't tell me what that means.
How the fuck do I know when I have gotten through this? Because to be honest, right now I feel fine but tomorrow I might hate life again. It's a constant up hill battle.
I think "getting through this" means not crumbling.
Not falling short, not giving up, not losing the battle that is life.
And you know what, everything doesn't have to be a fight. Sometimes you have to give up or give in. Because if you try to constantly fight your way through things you might not get through it up. Life is about knowing when to push through and when to jog by.
Don't get me wrong either- I fight every goddamn day. As a person in recovery, everyday is a battle to protect my life. But that doesn't mean I need to literally fight with every person I encounter.
A huge part of grief, is anger. It's hating life, hating anyone you come in contact with, hating people who you think could have made things better, people who made things work. It's wanting to break things and hit people.
I am already an angry person, add some grief and I'm philadelphia's biggest bitch.
Everyday we have battles that we are trying to get through. Every small victory is a win. A good day is better than a bad day and a bad day can always turn around.
I don't know if I have gotten through what it is that I am currently going through, but I do know that I have gotten through a lot.
I know that it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to be mad.
But overall, like everyone has said...
I'm going to get through this and I'm going to be ok.
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