Single-self-exploration

Like everything in life, there are moments of this and moments of that.

Although I am a crazy bipolar bitch, I'm sure I am not the only person who desperately feels one way today and then tomorrow, or a week later, may feel the total opposite.

After my last blogpost about being single someone told me that there is in fact a book called, "How To be Single (the novel)". So I have been deeply involved in this book, obviously. This book was made into that movie that just came out. I have not seen the movie yet but I can tell by the trailers that they are totally different.
Clearly the movie is a girly LOLs romcom. The book however, is an exploration into a women's view of being single through, pretty much, traveling the world. It's actually fascinating.
In turn, I have been doing my own exploration of...well...what it means to me, to be single, according to yab.

I have been falling in love with being single as a result. I have been investigating who I am and what it means to be happy alone.

But god damn shitting ass and hole. Sometimes it just kinda sucks.
Like when I wanna get laid, I wanna be held, I want someone to go to dinner with, or I just wanna walk down the street with someone-  but it is just sometimes.
And quite frankly when I need to get laid though, it's not "I'm horny." That I can deal- but the intimacy factor is what I am craving. The actual human, not the sex.

And can I just say- to the world wide web- I have a deep fear of intimacy. So the fact that that is what I want right now says, uhhh...a lot.
But more than a fear of intimacy, I have a fear of not moving forward in life.
And in this case, if I'm not moving forward I am definitely moving backwards... Wondering what could have been with my preschool boyfriend who I was going to marry...

The other half of the time, I wouldn't say "I am so super fabulous and free as a bird and blah blah blah!!!!"
But I would say I'm happy, I'm content, I'm enjoying being with me.

I don't feel the need to be completed.

Oh and look, I just decided to watch the new netflix series that is just titled "Love," while I'm clearly already feeling alone and did I mention I'm on my period? People have said I'm self destructive. The jury's still out on that one. Oh, wait verdicts in- guilty.

I fucking love this show.
"Hoping for love has fucking ruined my life."
"But I refuse to believe that what these assholes I went to high school with that are getting married, are what it's all about."

So much YES. There are movies, books, song, plays, literally every form of art expressed into love. So it can't be some cookie cutter bullshit. I'm not going to just continue to date losers for no reason except to not be "alone."



But, as this blog started out saying, it sometimes sucks.
Like in the taxi ride home alone after having an amazing night out. And you're just watching the little tv wishing you were making out with someone about to go home and bang.
It's true what the say though,
"it's not who you miss at 2am but the person you miss at 2pm."
Everyone has those 2am moments. They are to be expected. Lucky for me I have no one at all to miss at 2pm. Why? Because I am totally happy alone, right now.
I will just say I just watched the movie Brooklyn  and the main character asks another girl if she wants to be married? The other girl basically say uh duh but she also says when I am married I will wish I was not and that I was here with you.
WHICH IS BASICALLY THE POINT I AM TRYING TO PROVE. Don't let the grass be greener on the other side. Appreciate your damn grass.
Also I just feel in love with Tony from Brooklyn so I guess I'm taken now.

I am so excited to  be on this amazing journey of single-self-exploration.

Plus all the men I know at age 25 wanna be single, care free and totally independent. I of course, am a feminist so, let us be equal.

Have faith, trust, and believe. Mostly in yourself. Focus on your life and let the right people and places fall into place.

^This is a link.