I hate that she's gone.

I don't want to write this. I have been avoiding this blog. Because I wish none of this was happening.

I don't want to have to process these things because I want them to stop happening.

I am 27 years old, about to be 28, and death has haunted me since I was a child. I have lost people I care about from a young age but as I got older I started losing people who were young themselves.

Death isn't fair for anyone but for a young person it's cruel.

August 3, 2015 was the day I found out I lost one of my best friends, Samantha Devers, to the disease of addiction. You want to know why I'm sober? Because I've seen this disease kill in a mean way.

But I don't want to talk about addiction and me. I just want to talk about death.

I had lost people before Sam but Sam's death was different for me than anyone else. It was numbing. I felt guilty and responsible for probably well over a year. I watched Sam struggle and after the fact I felt like I just should have done more. I felt like I handled the situation in the wrong way.

Death is hard because there is no correct way to deal with it. You just have to go through the motions. For me that meant terrible things. I went to a dark place. I wished other people dead instead of her. I was an emotional wreck. Hearing the sobs of Samantha's mother at her funeral was enough to make me never pick up a drink or drug again.

And it wasn't fair. She was too young. She had more life to live. She enriched so many people's lives and was then ripped away from them.

But it is not good to sit in anger. Anger is just the emotion of hurt that is being masked. Sometimes when we are really fucking sad we get really fucking mad. Acting out in anger while you grieve is normal but it's not productive. Sometimes its really fucking hard to not feel responsible.

And it's really fucking hard to not ask yourself, "Why?"
I have learned, for myself, that you don't always get the answer.
I personally like to think when someone dies at a young age it is because they are being saved from something terrible. That is how I deal. With Sam, I think she was living in hell on earth. I think she suffered internally in a way many of us do not and will not ever understand. I think she had to much energy that this world couldn't contain. I believe if she lived longer she would have had a miserable existence.
Maybe you don't agree with this, but this is how I cope.

And it's not ok to criticize anyone, unless they are hurting themselves or someone else, on how they grieve. We are all different and we all had a different relationship with the person who was lost. You should be worrying about how you feel and checking in with your own emotions. You should let other people do what they need to do. At the same time, we should help each other. Hug each other, love each other.

Grieving is easier when there is some sense of community because you are all able to be there for each other. It's a gift.

August 3, 2018 I had been anticipating for weeks because I didn't know how I would feel. I put a lot of pressure on myself to remember Sam. I don't want to ever forget her and the times I had with her. I feel like I should be sad even when I'm not. I also feel like I have a duty to live my best life in honor of her. And August 3, for me is the day to remember her.

So then I woke up on August 3, 2018 with text messages about another girl I knew, in another community of mine, dying. Suddenly, tragically.

I think when someone dies of an addiction it is somewhat anticipated.... this was not. But we can't control life. You can take every precaution possible and sometimes terrible things just happen.

My heart breaks for Annabelle and my Champlain community. Ever since I was a freshman at Champlain I have experienced people dying. It's not normal. And it's really fucking hard to deal with.
But when you have a community of people who live hard, life happens.

My only take away from this past Friday is to live in love. Don't be hateful. Love to the fullest and live to the fullest. Life is too short to be petty and not care about one another.
Do not sit in anger, you're life will be less full if you do.

It's ok to be sad yabbers. Accept the way you are feeling and learn to be comfortable in your feelings. Don't try to control or manipulate them.

Sam Devers was one of the brightest people I knew. My life is not dim without her, it's highlighted by her presence and I feel so fortunate and bless to have been able to call her one of my soul sisters. She was an angel here on earth to grace us all with her sweet kind love. I know I will be seeing her again but until then, thank you Sam for guiding my through this crazy adventure that is my life.

xoxo Love you Mean it.