I Sure Could Use A Drink

I have 110 drafts in my blogger. 110 things I have started and not finished. I don't think this blog will ever be finished and I have a vision for evolving it one day but I also have 110 pieces to finish writing. But today I am starting from scratch.

My last blog post was started in January and tweaked here and there in the beginning of the summer but a lot has happened in the in betweens of all that.

Like I had mentioned previously, probably the biggest thing I have been dealing with is the job search. This has been so difficult for me because I have completely switched lanes but I really have no idea where I am going and trying to drive somewhere without an end destination is unsurprisingly difficult.

Previously, in the nonprofits I was working in, I was overworked and underpaid. The overworked part I can deal with but the combination of the two over the course of a few years left me completely burnt out. I have developed a strong skill set over the years but as I am trying to do something completely different, starting from the bottom, I feel like I have no skills at all and am completely behind in the game of life.

I realize that career switches happen at way later points in life then where I am at. Keeping perspective, that I am still very young, is well really difficult. I constantly am left feeling defeated and like I am way behind everyone I am competing with. Also my whole life I have been very difficult.

I am a difficult person. I make things harder for myself and the people that surround me constantly. It's not like I do it on purpose but because of my wonderful stubborn nature (thanks mom and dad) I find it difficult to not be difficult. And because of this I find it harder to, "fake it til you make it". I have a very revealing face and am perhaps too authentic.

This whole job search, the constant call in for interviews, second interviews, homework assignments for interviews, just to get nowhere is really hard to not leaving me feel rejected in life. I guess I have lost a spark for positive thinking recently because I am constantly being told no.


HOWEVER, I did recently land a real sort of job. It is a temporary position so it has me feeling uneasy because I may not have a job in a few months but it definitely is the break I have been waiting for in a lot of ways. Again..... Keeping that positive outlook is just realllllly difficult right now.

Just the whole process has made me really question my life. Like oh I don't know... "What the fuck am I doing?" "Why don't I have a career?" "Where is my life headed?" "Will I ever become an adult?"

But honestly, I am living my goddamn life. Life is never easy. You can be 20 years sober and get breast cancer. You can have a high paying job and so much stress you don't get to enjoy anything. You could be poor on the streets but happy as a clam.

Life is what you get handed and what you make of it and that is really what I need to keep in perspective these days. I work multiple jobs and haven't had a lot of weekends off this summer. I am having a really hard time figuring out how to save money. I am handed with things that I have to accept about my life and not necessarily be complaisant but figure out what to do from there.

I can't keep crying and complaining and being negative because I am frustrated with one aspect of my life. I need to take action to create pos·i·tiv·i·ty. "Faith without works is dead"

It really is a shame I haven't been writing over the past couple of months because this blog wasn't started with the intention of getting viewers but to help ME figure things out.

Another thing that has been really really really hard for me lately is my health. Pretty much it's gotten to the point that I regurgitate something that I eat at least once a day. And if I don't vomit up the food that I can't get down into my stomach I choke on it until my esophagus muscles decide to open up and let the food down. AND no one REALLLLY knows what the fuck is going on, and now I am waiting on my health insurance from a new job to kick in so I can't really go back to the doctor until then.
I had a colonoscopy, endoscopy and multiple doctors visits that all came back inconclusive. I finally found a holistic doctor that gave me really answers but now I have to wait til I have health insurance to go back. So ya know that's been frustrating. But if you see me running to the trash can to throw up food I just ate, don't worry this is normal for me right now.

Another thing I should really be honest that has been going on with me this last year has to do with my recovery...

As I reached 7 years sober in March, things had become harder. I went through a serious mental battle about turning back to alcohol and how I may not really be an alcoholic or addict.

I think when you get sober you just think it will all get easier. The longer you stay sober the further you get from a drink and the easier it must become...

WRONG. Being an alcoholic alcohol and drugs never become unappealing. At least to me. The closer and more involved I stay in a program of recovery they seem like less of a good idea and the more tools I have to avoid them and the creeping thoughts they ensue. But staying close to a program of recovery the longer you stay sober is fucking hard.



When you get sober you usually do rehab which is like 3-12 months of intense therapy on why not to drink, then you do AA daily- if not more, you make a ton of friends in recovery and the easier it is to stay sober.

But well I got really busy with life and stopped going to as many meetings. I also got sober young and a lot of my friends I got sober with went back out, some of them died. Which honestly pushed me away from the program even further. Then I started hanging out with people who don't have drug and alcohol problems. And now there's weed practically everywhere you turn....

I will say, NO I have not drank or drugged still to this day. But its been really fucking hard. And I think a lot of people in my life expect me to be "cured of all this" now.

There is no cure for the disease I have. There are steps I can take to make them better and I have to rely on my High Power, other recovering alcoholics and myself to stay sober. That's all I can do. But remembering to do the next right thing is sometimes hard.


Which I guess is true of more than AA. I have to do the next right thing to stay sober, positive, moving forward and keeping myself trudging along. Because like I said things aren't going to be perfect and I can't be either. But I know that I enjoy being a positive influence on others and maybe I can start being a positive influence for myself.