Waiting Is An Action

I got into a fight with my mom this week. Not a physical fight- please. Obviously a vicious verbally abusive battle.

I'm not going to go into to the logistics of it- although my initial thought mine was to write a blog post about the whole situation. That would have been reactive. I am trying not to be reactive.
Even though I did react...and I called her a bitch over the phone and I feel horrible. I apologized. But that is what happens when you react... nothing good.... nothing.

I was really upset at the beginning of the week. First I was crying myself to sleep, then I was letting out  blood curdling screams in my car.

At this point I've cooled down. However, I am still feeling very defensive.

I have a therapy session with my Mom tomorrow that we scheduled Tuesday. The communicating, or lack thereof, that was happening was..... just.... well.... nothing. It was very clear that nothing was going to get accomplished.

So, I haven't really talked to my mom since Tuesday.

I like to think I have a rather close relationship with my mother. You might says she's the human I am most close with... without a doubt.
We are very similar, and extremely different in other respects.

Not talking to my Mom for several days has been really hard for me. After everything that has happened to me in the past year...or four years... I still really need my mom. I don't know if it's so much that I need my mom or I just want my mom.
It's actually a real thing. Commonly, after traumatic experiences, such as IDK... being in a mental institution and being completely insane, people tend to either deflect their mothers or really need them. I want to simply crawl back into the womb.

It's hard for me to not talk to my mom for even a day because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.  I don't like being on bad terms with any of my family members.
There are people in this world I don't mind not talking to, in fact, ever again. When it comes to my family, I want to tell them everyday how much I love, appreciate and need them.

I talked to my therapist and he said it was ok to not talk to my mom for a couple of days. "You don't have to talk to your mom everyday." Ok. ya true.

On the flip side, I want to be totally separate of my mother. I so badly want my own life and I'm working hard to achieve that. The only way I can achieve that is One Step at a Time.

Someone else told me that waiting is an action. I liked that. Patience is hard for me, it's definitely something I'm working on.

But tomorrow is Saturday, and  I don't have to wait anymore so I guess I should just go to bed.

Nothing bad will come out of this session. Things will be resolved. Because, because, I love her.

Goodnight.