The beginning of summer is so exciting, the end most people hate...
But, I am not a child anymore... And the end of summer this year, marks that everyone else will be back to work, just like I have been all summer. So, no complaints there.
I am sad that I can't really go to the beach anymore and that it will get cold.
But like... TBH I like the cold and sweaters.
I am not sad to see this summer go. It has been sweet. Like a sugar cookie sweet. Nothing really special, but sweet.
But driving with your two best friends in all black to Virginia for a funeral for your other best friend, is not really a summer to be highlighted in tan skin and innocence.
Today started out great and turned into terrible.
It was an easy Sunday, it started out perfect. Early morning walk, coffee with my roomie and dog. Hung out with my family and got to spend some very good quality time with my brother and sister.
But then I got hit by a bullet basically halfway through the day. A cannon of emotion.
I have been spending the weekend with my dog Bevin, who is my life. As I look at her now I could not describe a more perfect, loyal, sweet animal. She, more than anything else on this planet, my everything. She is like my child but at the same time is an old lady. A very old lady.
And as I write this I am tearing up because she looks different. She looks like I might be losing her.
And she has done this to me before! She's made me think she was on her last leg and she wasn't. So I can't tell if she's tricking me or if she is as frail as she appears.
But I can't lose her.
And I know people don't leave until they are suppose to but I can't. It will be too much. The tipping point on my rocked ship.
I just can't.
I cried all night long holding her. Praying that she doesn't leave soon. Losing Jasper and Sam has been hard enough.
A day does not go by that I do not think about Sam and her family. It's still hard to think that the world is moving and she is not. I pray for her mother every night.
They say that when a young soul passes they come right back to earth. I know Sam is here. I see her and feel her everywhere. I don't search for meaning in her death because I know she is now safe and no longer suffering. But than to think she's not here and progressing with life and living is really fucking hard.
I have break downs here and there.
Earlier I was saying to my mom, "Why are these bad things happening?" She said, "Gab, they are sad. Not bad, sad."
Now as I write about the end of all these things it does feel that summer is over. I feel that closing and Fall creeping in. And it's so hard to not feel sad.
It's my birthday week, did you know? Which has always been weird, but like could there be a more perfect end to summer than the celebration of me?
No.
I have to take a second and thank God for the people in my life. Tonight I was held in loving arms and told how strong I am by people who know me best. I am happy I have people who I can get snot on their shirts and others I can call at any hour, day or night.
I wish a bad day was scraping your knee and having a boo boo. That's not life anymore.
As I was crying on the phone talking to my mom I was looking in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself.
I am an adult.
I am now a woman, and I think I have been for a long time.
I don't understand how life works but I am doing the best I can. All things considered I am doing a pretty good. I have career goals, a job I love and I am working very hard at it.
I am sober and grateful and it has made me into the most perfect version of myself.
But I have been ugly crying all night.
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| me to a T, bipolar and all. |
I have been working so fucking much. And you know what? That's life. People bust their ass every goddamn day. It's just fascinating to me that this is who I am now. I am someone who doesn't really stop.Whereas a couple of years ago I had a very difficult struggle with getting out of bed.
It's a good change, but balance is lacking.
I am stressing myself, and everyone around me the fuck out.
I am constantly on edge trying to prepare for the next catastrophe that will bring hell upon my life.
One thing I have done a very good job at is getting rid of toxic and horrible people from my life. I have realized that life is short. I do not need to waste energy on people who don't care about my well being or have the same priorities I do.
Every now and then we need to recalibrate. I am beginning that now. I am going to bring balance back into my life and take a break when I need to.
Because I can't keep holding it in and exploding.
My eyes and face hurt from crying. Time to ask for help.
And you know what? My eye lashes are permed so my crying... isn't actually that ugly. #treatyoself
Breathe
Stretch
Shake
Let it go
Welcome to Mid 20s.
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