Losing a Big Piece of Me.

It's taken me a long time to get to right here, right now. It's taken tears, upon tears, it's taken highs and lows.
The fact of the matter is, every moment in my life has lead me to this point where I am, right here and now. 

I'm sure someone once said, life gets easier as you get older.
Death does not get easier as more come. It gets more difficult. Maybe you learn to cope better, and every person has their own unique experience with death and dying, but in my experience, it gets harder.
It's scary thinking who will go next.

When I was 16 my grandma died. It was probably the hardest death I didn't deal with. And I say didn't deal with because, I didn't cope. I pushed all of the emotions down and I acted strong for everyone else, but it was devastating for me. She and I had the same soul. She was like a mother to me. I spent a lot of time with her. Watching her approach death was extremely hard. She had emphysema, Alzheimer's and finally dementia.
For a while I thought she was going to get better but she just slowly deteriorated.
When I finally got sober, I cried for days about her and my grandfathers death.
Since then I have dealt with what happened with her, but there are times I still break down and cry about it.

Missing someone, or something, doesn't go away. It gets a little easier and the hurt is less and less with time. But when someone goes that you love you there are triggers that make you think of them.

My Aunt Dana passed away the summer of 2011. I was a full on mess. I had a voicemail from her that I would listen to until finally I lost it because I got a new phone.
Losing my Aunt Dana was extremely hard for me because she wanted to help me get sober so bad. I didn't want it then. She took me to meetings and I just wasn't interested. I felt like a failure when she died and I was still drinking. When I finally got sober and grew in sobriety, I felt I was making her proud and it helped me to cope. I also feel that her presence as an angel was instrumental in me getting sober.

This past year has been possibly the hardest of my entire life. September 2014-2015 has been insanity for me. From thinking I was falling in love to realizing I was losing myself, trying to help my friend in deep addiction and living with her, going through City Year and the realities of the Philadelphia public school system, dealing with a break up, losing my puppy, losing a best friend, and now losing my best confidant.

For years I have dreaded losing my dog Bevin. Way before it was ever going to happen. I knew it was going to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Now, it having happened... I'm a wreck.
I am. I am a full mess.


I am crying every five minutes. I don't know how long this will last. How long will it take to get through this loss? And on top of that it brings back every other painful death I have dealt with, this year alone.

These days, it's not someone has died. It's someone else has.




And on top of all this- I have ran into four different "ex's" I haven't seen in either months or years, this past month.
Like seriously what the fuck is going on?! I can't catch a break.
People were rude to me at work today. And I just wanted to cry the whole day.

People keep saying, "You're going to get through this and you're gonna be great." I don't even get what that means.
I know I'm going to get through this, that much is obvious to me... given all the shit I've had to get through this past year...
The fact is, I'm really GOING THROUGH THIS.

There was a time in my life that if Bevin had died I do not know how I would have been able to go on. Bevin is my best friend. She's the most beautiful creature I have ever know on this earth. It saddens me to no end to have to say goodbye.
The thought of opening a door to my house and not having her head stick right through it as soon as it opens pains my heart. She's the toughest broad I ever knew. I love her so much I don't know what life will be like without her in it in some capacity.

A stage of grief that I never really knew about before was anger.
I have been so angry lately. To people who don't deserve it. To my friends and family, to strangers on the street.

I miss Sam so so much.

There is one person in my life who I am so angry at I could kill them.
There are actually multiple people. And in reality I just want to hit them. Like really hard.

But anger is just hurt manifested.
And I'm hurting all over.

I think sometimes the landscape is hard to see because you are standing in it. When you think there is no beauty in your life you sometimes have to look deeper. When your going down a long road and it seems hard and ever-going, realize that from another perspective where you are is beautiful.

Life is magical there is no denying that. But it is so easy to be blinded by heartache and misery.

Today I was talking to one of my best friends and we were reminiscing about how good and just, how fucking easy our life was a little over a year ago.

You don't always realize that. It's easy to miss when things are good.

Like Joni said, "Don't it always seem to go... That you don't know what you got til it's gone."

That song rings so true to my life right now. You don't know the good days. You just don't. And if you can identify them, live in those moments as much as you can.

I have things these days that keep me sane. My friends, family, and God. Prayer helps me more than anything else.

I think there must be a reason I have lost all these people around me and I am still standing. I believe there is a plan for me. It must be something important because the amount that I feel I have been tested must mean there is some reason I need all these tools I now have.

I'm sorry if I care too much. I'm sorry if you have, or ever feel that this blog is too many emotions.
If I have too many feelings.
If I love too deeply.
Actually, I'm not sorry about that. That's just the way it is.
I have deep feelings for life.
I am not going to stop. And part of living is losing. But it's how we move forward...

We must continue Yabbers, onward and upward.